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I'm not sure if this is the right circle for this, but I think it might be.

I was recently involved in a situationship then breakup with a man in his late 20s (I wrote about it on o/Women) and since then I've been ruminating on the prospective dating scene, along with previous relationships I've had. I am a younger millennial, for context.

I have had at least three relationships where porn or kink was an issue. Usually what happened was that the courtship would be fine, but when it moved into a sexual relationship, I would hear the man start to say bizarre or disturbing things, and I would find that sex was never enough for these guys. They could not be in the moment, they had to fixate on an elaborate fantasy or scenario that they would talk about during sexual contact. Of course the result was basically, bad sex.

Another result was lack of ability to establish intimacy between us. The man would not be "present" during sex, so in his mind he was not there with me, he was using me as a proxy to masturbate while he thought about something/someone else. This certainly affected me, and probably stopped them from feeling emotional connection with me.

I am sure this is probably a wide-spread problem now. It is something I read about in transwidows' stories. I have also read experiences of women whose partners could not have sex without watching porn.

If lack of emotional intimacy is a growing problem resulting from porn, what are other consequences it could have that we don't yet know about? In twenty years, will people be able to speak openly about the harm that porn has caused society, or is Pandora's box open, and now things can only get worse?

*

Other potential ramifications of porn that I have thought about are: 1) Impotence. This might gain traction as a recognised problem easier, because of course men won't want to be impotent. (Does anyone have a link to a study that shows the link between porn use and impotence? I hear so many people talk about it anecdotally, but the only studies I can find are inconclusive.)

2) Normalisation of extreme sex acts. I was astonished when an older friend told me that oral sex used to be considered taboo. It is now completely expected, and anal is catching up. It's pretty well known that when a brain becomes desensitised to porn, it turns to something stronger. Therefore things that were once grimly esoteric have the potential to spread to huge populations online. This will end in women having to enact worse and worse situations.

3) Increased unhappiness with our own bodies and more plastic surgery?

4) Normalisation of infidelity? I know I sound paranoid here, but hear me out: even as little as ten years ago, it was considered normal and valid if a woman felt cheated on when she discovered her partner was looking at other women sexually. Now people of my age and younger are expected to recognise that men just do look at porn, and that's normal and you have to accept it. It's like watching films or tv. Perhaps this is paving the way to make infidelity acceptible? 30 years ago, no one could have believed that young women would be expected to give anal sex, or else she was a bad girlfriend - in 30 years, will a woman who denies her partner a side-chick be a prude?

5) Increase in prostitution. More self-explanatory, and of course results in rape and violence towards women. It will have wider implications for women that I'm not able to think of at the minute. Maybe it will create a bigger epidemic of mental health problems and addiction?

*

Thank you for reading. I'm trying not to veer into being melodramatic, but I think this is a time-bomb in more ways than we can yet realise.

I'm not sure if this is the right circle for this, but I think it might be. I was recently involved in a situationship then breakup with a man in his late 20s (I wrote about it on o/Women) and since then I've been ruminating on the prospective dating scene, along with previous relationships I've had. I am a younger millennial, for context. I have had at least three relationships where porn or kink was an issue. Usually what happened was that the courtship would be fine, but when it moved into a sexual relationship, I would hear the man start to say bizarre or disturbing things, and I would find that sex was never enough for these guys. They could not be in the moment, they had to fixate on an elaborate fantasy or scenario that they would talk about during sexual contact. Of course the result was basically, bad sex. Another result was lack of ability to establish intimacy between us. The man would not be "present" during sex, so in his mind he was not there with me, he was using me as a proxy to masturbate while he thought about something/someone else. This certainly affected me, and probably stopped them from feeling emotional connection with me. I am sure this is probably a wide-spread problem now. It is something I read about in transwidows' stories. I have also read experiences of women whose partners could not have sex without watching porn. If lack of emotional intimacy is a growing problem resulting from porn, what are other consequences it could have that we don't yet know about? In twenty years, will people be able to speak openly about the harm that porn has caused society, or is Pandora's box open, and now things can only get worse? * Other potential ramifications of porn that I have thought about are: 1) Impotence. This might gain traction as a recognised problem easier, because of course men won't want to be impotent. (Does anyone have a link to a study that shows the link between porn use and impotence? I hear so many people talk about it anecdotally, but the only studies I can find are inconclusive.) 2) Normalisation of extreme sex acts. I was astonished when an older friend told me that oral sex used to be considered taboo. It is now completely expected, and anal is catching up. It's pretty well known that when a brain becomes desensitised to porn, it turns to something stronger. Therefore things that were once grimly esoteric have the potential to spread to huge populations online. This will end in women having to enact worse and worse situations. 3) Increased unhappiness with our own bodies and more plastic surgery? 4) Normalisation of infidelity? I know I sound paranoid here, but hear me out: even as little as ten years ago, it was considered normal and valid if a woman felt cheated on when she discovered her partner was looking at other women sexually. Now people of my age and younger are expected to recognise that men just do look at porn, and that's normal and you have to accept it. It's like watching films or tv. Perhaps this is paving the way to make infidelity acceptible? 30 years ago, no one could have believed that young women would be expected to give anal sex, or else she was a bad girlfriend - in 30 years, will a woman who denies her partner a side-chick be a prude? 5) Increase in prostitution. More self-explanatory, and of course results in rape and violence towards women. It will have wider implications for women that I'm not able to think of at the minute. Maybe it will create a bigger epidemic of mental health problems and addiction? * Thank you for reading. I'm trying not to veer into being melodramatic, but I think this is a time-bomb in more ways than we can yet realise.

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12 comments

[–] VestalVirgin 12 points Edited

in 30 years, will a woman who denies her partner a side-chick be a prude?

Very likely. During times of feudalism and arranged marriages, the husband having a mistress while the wife was expected to be faithful was the norm in the upper classes.

Seeing as nowadays all men are upperclass in having money to afford motels to have affairs in ... yeah, there will be a rise in entitlement. It has happened once, it can happen again.

Domestic violence (of which one could argue infidelity is a variety) will rise.

[–] Lilith 6 points Edited

It's everything Andrea Dworkin wrote about, coming true before our eyes.

It would have been possible to course correct, if her warnings had been heeded. Today, we can't study the effect of porn because researchers cannot find adult men who haven't been exposed to porn, in order to study the effects of porn consumption. If all men use porn, they're not going to willingly dial back, much less admit they have a problem. Not the greater majority of them. And women don't have the power to force the issue.

Legalizing prostitution is on the list of demands from the sex pozzy movement.. Legalizing polygamy is, too. They can call it polyamory but once you legalize marriage between 3 people, you have legalized the abusers who are just looking to collect women because they lack the ability to maintain any longterm attachment to a woman. As you've pointed out, porn and kink interfere with healthy attachment.

The points you made are absolutely not dramatic--you're totally right.

I believe some men recognize that impotence can be caused by porn. Some participate in "No Nut November" where they don't orgasm for a month (I know, so difficult) However, going on the sub for that and listening to the reasoning behind it, they don't actually give a crap about the women in the porn. Many actually blame pornographed and prostituted women for their impotence. They think it's the women's fault for being so whorish to push them to jerk off 15 times a day...strangely paralleling conservative ideology, Islam, etc. which make women cover up so as not to tempt men. It's gross and I agree that it is pushing us down a very dark path.

I have been speaking to a therapist about all the gender/trans stuff and when I brought up porn and impotence, she said it had come up in the small group of therapists she meets with regularly to discuss common issues. She said they're all had clients who talk about or are men in their late twenties who could not get an erection.

yup. This used to be extremely rare, to see erectile dysfunction in young men. Now it is increasingly common. I think it's only the tip of the iceberg. A gynecologist spoke to a PTA meeting at a junior high. She said she wanted the parents to know what their daughters are facing in the dating world. Some boys expect anal sex on the first date! and wanting to strangle their partner is also increasingly common. Some girls are suffering from fissures, anal tears, and other genital injuries, due to ignorance, and pressure from their young male peers. And the doctors can't even tell these girls' parents, because they have to "respect their privacy" instead. The more I learn, the sadder it seems.

no wonder they want to escape womanhood. That's so disturbing. And these are the males who will be in all our spaces.

In the old days I never felt that a guy having a couple of Penthouse magazines under the bed was a problem. But the internet porn? Big problem. Brains are being rewired. It's ruining sex for everyone. Men included.

It's maybe also an issue that pre-1990s, the women in porn were just ordinary good looking women? As opposed to the Pamela Anderson, Katie Price, Caprice etc, with huge amounts of plastic surgery, meaning that men were idealising a look that their partners or prospective partners could not live up to. Now many men are attracted to women who can only look the way they do with plastic surgery and fillers, meaning they are not satisfied with normal women, and increasingly women are getting fillers and other dangerous procedures.

Also, having a magazine or two probably did not drive an insatiable addiction in the same way: if there was a finite amount of porn, then the consumers couldn't take up the rabid search for something new like they can online, which drives a slide into more extreme material, and the normalisation of an infidelity mindset where they want a new woman every day.

[–] RawSienna 1 points Edited

Yes, all that you said. I’d just add that if they become addicted, it’s common for them to escalate to illegal material. Also, I’d definitely NOT start a family with someone who was red flaggy for being really porn rotted. You can kind of gauge this by how “porn scripty” and fucking awful they are in bed before you get in too deep into a relationship.