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Looking back at the film and with my knowledge of the reality and true nature bdsm I realized the film was more accurate of bdsm then what kinksters deny. Yes the film is garbage and so is the whole series and yes the average Dom is not tall attractive and rich like Christian Grey. However despite all the rich fantasy jargon it was accurate about how abusive bdsm is as a whole. The whole kink community keeps saying real bdsm has nothing to do with it but looking it actually does. Christian is abusive psycho who manipulates Ana, and lovebombs her like a typical dom. Christian was abused by an older woman when he was a teen and it's very common for SA to end up indulging in things like kink as away to cope with trauma which isn't good at all. Yes this common whether they deny it or not a lot of people in the community have some form of sexual trauma. There was a scene where ignored her safeword I think and making her cry. Despite what they claim a lot of doms do ignore the safe word and continue abusing them. Like there are stories of women's where there partners ignore their safeword. There are multiple stories from submissives warning about abusive Dom's. The reason why bdsm community was outraged because it showed how abusive and cringey bdsm was because anyone with a critical brain and wasn't focused on the sexy parts realized how horrible the movie was and that it romantised abuse

Looking back at the film and with my knowledge of the reality and true nature bdsm I realized the film was more accurate of bdsm then what kinksters deny. Yes the film is garbage and so is the whole series and yes the average Dom is not tall attractive and rich like Christian Grey. However despite all the rich fantasy jargon it was accurate about how abusive bdsm is as a whole. The whole kink community keeps saying real bdsm has nothing to do with it but looking it actually does. Christian is abusive psycho who manipulates Ana, and lovebombs her like a typical dom. Christian was abused by an older woman when he was a teen and it's very common for SA to end up indulging in things like kink as away to cope with trauma which isn't good at all. Yes this common whether they deny it or not a lot of people in the community have some form of sexual trauma. There was a scene where ignored her safeword I think and making her cry. Despite what they claim a lot of doms do ignore the safe word and continue abusing them. Like there are stories of women's where there partners ignore their safeword. There are multiple stories from submissives warning about abusive Dom's. The reason why bdsm community was outraged because it showed how abusive and cringey bdsm was because anyone with a critical brain and wasn't focused on the sexy parts realized how horrible the movie was and that it romantised abuse

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31 comments

Fifty shades of Gray is unrealistic because the Dom isnt a poor ugly fat guy with 8 prior domestic violence accusations/a Reddit or porn addiction ๐Ÿ˜ญ

I was going to type that in the most in bdsm are are gross out of shape trolls with a bunch of cavities but I thought that would be harsh by ovarit standards but honestly go on lc and see the only fans or the pedo pandering thread and you see how nasty they tend look. Like honestly it's rare to see one that's not you know off putting. The only one I can I think of is Armie Hammer but after the whole cannibalism/suspected murder scandal where he was exposed he quickly became ugly almost like his true nature just came out like that Ronald dahl quote https://www.reddit.com/r/QuotesPorn/comments/2wzjwn/a_person_who_has_good_thoughts_cannot_ever_be/ I try not to be lookist but when you have people who fantasize and roleplay csa as a kink. Then fuck their feelings

Even if they were pretty being an abuser twists you aesthetically and in most avenues in my perception. Nauseating.

This. When I first decided to read opinions about BDSM/violent sex because I became increasingly disturbed by its popularisation I couldn't find any websites/articles that were critical of it. Every mainstream healthcare/psychology/news site promoted it and one recurring theme was them complaining about how 50 shades is nothing like real bdsm because "it's all about trust, we have safe words, there's aftercare, it's just another healthy form of sex, it's all organised". And I was like, great you have a safe word but none of what you say dissipates my concerns, beating and flogging your partner and hurting their genitals is physical abuse even if the victim doesn't mind it... I still don't see why physical abuse is considered "healthy" when it's done during sex but domestic abuse when done outside of it.

Edit: my main take away from those articles was that these people think they are better than 50 shades of gray because they are so organised, professional, tidy, they have dom/sub arrangements and such... No shit, there's a bunch of abusive things that are well organised - pedophile rings, human trafficking, prostitution, hell, even "gender-affirming care" for children is well organised but it's still mutilation.

"it's all about trust, we have safe words, there's aftercare, it's just another healthy form of sex, it's all organised".

Men who beat their wives typically do "aftercare" where they apologize and buy flowers or whatever the next day. Nobody would defend the guy in that situation. But it suddenly becomes okay if he slapped her in bed to make his dick hard instead of slapping her in the kitchen for not having dinner ready on time

Plus "safe words" are nonsense. They get violated all the damn time anyway. But seriously, if you hear your partner say "no", "stop", or "don't" and you keep going anyway, you're a rapist. I don't care if they "technically" were "consenting". This isn't about the "sub". It's about assholes who get off on violating another person's "no". This is behavior that should never be encouraged, much less reinforced by orgasm.

I used to be into BDSM but I never had a safe word. Mostly because I would just say, "No, stop, that's actually too far" and expect my partner to listen.

I guess that's changed now.

beating and flogging

Right? Even if the sub "consents", why is it treated like something different from self-harm? No one would condone and promote the later, but they still praise BDSM.

Oh yes that too. If you cut yourself it's self harm but if your partner does it to you during sex it's called 'knife play'...

Who knew people who self-harm could just say it's a fetish to get their therapists off their case. Just claim they are autosexual who engage in solo knife-play.

Even if it was not like 50 shades, and even if they played by all the rules they set up to keep it "safe", my hypothetical consent to have someone else abuse my body doesn't nullify the fact that the person doing the abusive acts are in fact an abuser. Only an abuser would take up on the offer of a sub to abuse her. If you're not an abuser you don't get turned on by abusing someone. Simple as.

[โ€“] smash_cake 16 points Edited

Consent is not a magic wand that transforms abuse into healthy behavior.

If I agree to be eaten by a cannibal, does that make cannibalism healthy?

https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2003/dec/04/germany.lukeharding

Obviously not, but somehow consent justifies horrific physical abuse.

All the above, and can I just say:

Curse that fucking book.

Fuck mainstreaming kink.

Fuck the spicy straights that followed.

Couldn't move for the women reading it on the bus in the early '10s. Not long after the terms 'choking off' and 'breathplay' came into my vanilla line of sight. It's the most donated-to-charity book in the UK AFAIR, and yet we are where we are now, partly because of this book, queer theory, porn culture, and pick-me female socialisation.

50 Shades isn't like BDSM at all! /s It's actually way milder than the irl horrors men do to women using BDSM as an excuse like scat, 'waterplay', wax, knife etc

Well to be fair it was a mainstream movie and if it did include that no studio would touch it with a six foot pole. There's a reason why alot of disturbing movies are done independently. One guy made an anime all by himself and the anime is like the most disturbing of all time. No studio would touch it and this same country is known for its outrageous porn. Not telling the name but anime YouTubers made it popular (thanks alot YouTube ๐Ÿ˜ฃ).

Oh I was including the book too, I don't think it had any that I mentioned. Male degeneracy knows no limits does it? ๐Ÿคฎ

The fifty shades book was made by a woman. Originally it was twilight fanfiction. Let that sink in. I think the author was using bdsm as a way to make the story spicy. I don't think she actually practices that stuff in real life

I really wish the thousands of women who loved this book would take one moment to think with their brains WHY someone hurting them turns them on.

I have never liked 50 Shades, but I used to be into BDSM and honestly even now I couldn't tell you why the thought of abuse and harm turned me on.

My theory about why women get turned on by these things is some combination of classical conditioning, misattribution of arousal, and weak boundaries from being taught to always minimize yourself to make others comfortable etc.

Now, this is not applicable to people who are engaging in BDSM as part of a trauma response to childhood abuse. That is the manifestation of compulsive trauma repetition, a now well-documented phenomenon where trauma survivors seek to re-enact their trauma, often subconsciously seeking out the familiar behaviors. This is thought to be a compulsion which is performed to gain understanding and mastery of the original event, but its dangerous because in the course of this they are putting themselves at risk of retraumatization.

But for anyone who is not coming from childhood abuse, the problem is fundamentally that the physical sensations and 'electric energy' which originated from a non-sexual source: fear, anger, disgust, etc. can be mistaken for sexual arousal. If you've ever wondered why men get simultaneously turned on and disgusted by the same thing, that's misattribution. That men are focusing more on disgust and anger and women focus more on fear or shame... that's cultural misogyny. Those emotions are strongly encouraged by society. When men are taught to hate women, women learn to fear men. These emotions become encoded in their sexual narratives.

the physical sensations and 'electric energy' which originated from a non-sexual source: fear, anger, disgust, etc. can be mistaken for sexual arousal

This doesn't make sense to me. 'Sexual arousal' is a distinct physiological response

Male arousal will lead to an erection, and in female arousal the body's response is engorged sexual tissues such as nipples, vulva, clitoris, vaginal walls, and vaginal lubrication

There is no 'mistake' there, sexual arousal is either objectively happening or not. In your link the example is

I thought I was experiencing heart-pounding anxiety because I was in love. In fact, I was in love because I had been taking steroids.

Which is physical symptoms being wrongly attributed to an abstraction. But I don't see how this is analagous to kink, where sexual arousal itself is the (undesirable) physical experience.

I remember reading why women may like bdsm is because regular sex is boring and with bdsm you get at least some foreplay.

The promise of foreplay and aftercare in exchange for letting an abuser abuse you is some next level self-abandonment. These women deserve so much better than what they settle for.

Really intense orgasms tend to make all other concerns recede into the background