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Hi so I had become very anti kink and then this spring I was dating a guy for awhile who very quickly (like second time we had sex) started asking me about my kinks and made me take the bdsm test and I don’t know I guess I lost all my self esteem (I’m 23) and started participating in his cnc kinks and I let him hit me and say horrible things to me and I keep having flashbacks now and I feel stupid and gross because I consented to all of it. He also told me he had a weight gain kink and it was the same day I told him about my history of anorexia and I got upset when he said he wanted me to gain weight for him and then he started crying saying “this is what I get for trying to be myself for once”. And then I had to calm him down eventually. But he kept bringing it up when we would have sex And he wanted me to drink heavy cream and be his “fat little slut”. I never ate or gained weight for him but I’m so disgusted and angry because it turns out he was gaslighting me about his ex girlfriend the entire relationship. Which I made him admit to and he said he has narcissistic tendencies and he manipulated women emotionally and oversexualizes them. I was shocked because besides the kink stuff he seemed super normal and a bit nerdy and very nice. But I just feel used and disgusted and it’s brought my eating disorder back but now I keep binging and I have gained a bit of weight and it makes me disgusted with myself because I know he would enjoy it. We broke up 2 months ago and I moved away but the situation had destroyed my self esteem and I’m so ANGRY all the time. I can’t help but keep looking at his social media and his band keeps playing shows and I am torturing myself with all the horrible memories and I just feel awful and I’ve had the most awful summer ever but i consented to everything. I don’t know what to do and has anyone been in this situation before ? How did you heal ? I’m just so mad I feel used and this is the one guy I dated I thought was so sweet in the beginning. I am not a hateful person but I geniunely want to ruin his life and I keep thinking I hope horrible things happen to him

Hi so I had become very anti kink and then this spring I was dating a guy for awhile who very quickly (like second time we had sex) started asking me about my kinks and made me take the bdsm test and I don’t know I guess I lost all my self esteem (I’m 23) and started participating in his cnc kinks and I let him hit me and say horrible things to me and I keep having flashbacks now and I feel stupid and gross because I consented to all of it. He also told me he had a weight gain kink and it was the same day I told him about my history of anorexia and I got upset when he said he wanted me to gain weight for him and then he started crying saying “this is what I get for trying to be myself for once”. And then I had to calm him down eventually. But he kept bringing it up when we would have sex And he wanted me to drink heavy cream and be his “fat little slut”. I never ate or gained weight for him but I’m so disgusted and angry because it turns out he was gaslighting me about his ex girlfriend the entire relationship. Which I made him admit to and he said he has narcissistic tendencies and he manipulated women emotionally and oversexualizes them. I was shocked because besides the kink stuff he seemed super normal and a bit nerdy and very nice. But I just feel used and disgusted and it’s brought my eating disorder back but now I keep binging and I have gained a bit of weight and it makes me disgusted with myself because I know he would enjoy it. We broke up 2 months ago and I moved away but the situation had destroyed my self esteem and I’m so ANGRY all the time. I can’t help but keep looking at his social media and his band keeps playing shows and I am torturing myself with all the horrible memories and I just feel awful and I’ve had the most awful summer ever but i consented to everything. I don’t know what to do and has anyone been in this situation before ? How did you heal ? I’m just so mad I feel used and this is the one guy I dated I thought was so sweet in the beginning. I am not a hateful person but I geniunely want to ruin his life and I keep thinking I hope horrible things happen to him

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Listen baby, when we went through hurtful things, sometimes we end up in the wrong places. Abusive men flock to women in need of healing, because we are so in need of a place of warmth that we are likely to go along with things we're actually opposed of. But in the moment such things take place it is so hard to be aware of that as you are constantly in a state of survival, relying on every little flutter of happiness or warmth the man provides you, overshadowing everything else. It is like an addiction, which is also why it is so hard to stop checking up on this man. He gave you a lot of bad, but a tiny bit of good in the form of attention, which means everything when you're lost and broken, as it alleviates panic, but also makes panic 1000x worse when that attention is taken away.

It is not your fault you ended up in this situation. But it is your responsibility to realize your need for healing and navigate your efforts to do so. We do need other people to heal, that is why it is very important to choose consciously and avoid consciously, as being in healing also makes you a target. A misstep along the way does not make you a bad person, but only a human like everyone else. It is very good of you that you realized this relationship wasn't a good choice you made and that it does not align with your values. Realizing these things and accepting your dependency are the first steps to changing your ways and finally creating the opportunity to truly heal. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you I do feel validated by people telling me this was not okay but I wish I said something in the moment because it feels like he got away with something and I can’t do anything now. He’s also friends with one of my best friends boyfriends.

I'd humiliate him anonymously in some fucked up way, but I realize that isn't the right solution for everybody

That is something you should remember as a lesson for next time. This chapter is over now

Been there. 🫂

1) Let go of the negative self-talk. You are smart and capable. You're out of that situation and you never need to be in it again. You deserve kindness and compassion and care from your partner. Someone who wants to hurt you doesn't get a place in your life anymore.

I felt so confused and dumb after getting into BDSM relationships. Like I said yes. Okay it was obviously self harm that someone was helping me do to myself in retrospect but I said yes. Women are groomed our entire lives to accept shitty treatment. I'm also a recovered bulimic. With your ED history it's not surprising you found another outlet for self harm. Now that you identify BDSM as harmful, you can choose to process your feelings in a new way and find new healthy coping mechanisms.

2) Many things I "consented" to felt more traumatic than when I was raped. Physical assault is crime. Rape is a crime. For some reason kink gets a pass because "there was consent." Fuck that. If someone on the street said "Go on, punch me in the face," anyone who did would still be charged with assault.

3) Legally and socially, you will probably not be able to pursue justice here. I won't discourage you from trying to blast his disgusting shit on social media or go to the police, but in my experience, you probably won't receive a lot of support.

For me, healing meant getting off social media, cutting people from that group entirely out of my life, and focusing on myself. I built up healthy friendships. I went to therapy and journaled and read anti-porn books and built up boundaries that meant I'd never accept violence in my intimate relationships again.

Everyone has her own path forward but I'd definitely recommend therapy or group counseling for your eating disorder and finding something that makes you feel strong and connected to your own body again. Daily yoga, even if it’s just 10 minutes, reminds me my body can feel good. Going on a hike with a female friend reminds me what talking to someone who respects and cares for me feels like while I breathe fresh air and feel that good tired that comes from building strength.

4) Horrible things should happen to him. Horrible things probably will. As someone who has gotten out of it, I can't imagine anything more horrible than being a "sub" in my relationships, but being any kind of pornsick is its own hell. He will never have a truly loving relationship because he views women as things. You can't ruin his life but he will.

You can control what happens next in your own life. You can be happy. Not all the time and not without some work but I promise you can get there.

[–] [Deleted] 0 points Edited

And he wanted me to drink heavy cream and be his “fat little slut”.

99.9% of men are sick.

I’m just so mad I feel used and this is the one guy I dated I thought was so sweet in the beginning.

look harder, and I don't mean that in a mean way. decent men are sooo rare. it's going to take a long time probably.

anyway, your past doesn't define you

but now I keep binging and I have gained a bit of weight and it makes me disgusted with myself because I know he would enjoy it.

He would, but he doesn't, because you got rid of him. So he will never know whether you gained weight or not.

I just feel awful and I’ve had the most awful summer ever but i consented to everything.

He manipulated you. And he has admitted himself that he does it a lot. You were vulnerable and he is good at lying.

I know how it feels to feel stupid after having been manipulated. Here's the thing: You aren't stupid. Manipulators know exactly which buttons to push to cause your emotions to override your common sense. This guy even fake cried (I am certain he faked it ... although such men have loads of self-pity, too ...) in order to get you to do what he wanted!

You were a victim of a narcissist and a victim of the patriarchy's push for violence against women.

If you saw a woman sit down in front of you, in tears, and revealed that she was gaslit and manipulated, would you tell her that she should feel ashamed? That she should feel guilty for letting herself into this situation?

Of course not.

You are that woman. Your feelings are real, it's clear you feel that way. But I can also confidently say that there is no objective reason you should have those feelings.

Being gaslit can make you lose touch with reality, often for a good long while after. The reality here is that you were victimized and it is HE (and people pushing kink) that should feel ashamed, not you.

Also, even if you were doing something bad, like if you were the producer of bdsm porn or you gaslit a third woman into the relationship - do not buy the current culture:s assertation that there is no forgiveness or redemption or room for growth. Even if you had done something bad, you can stop doing something bad and be better.

You’re right. I also read his journal after he told me he’d been gaslighting me and lying about his ex. He also cried when he admitted to gaslighting me which I now realize was manipulative. But I feel guilty about reading the journal. And he had written in the journal that he wanted someone who would let them completely destroy him and he also wrote he wanted someone with stomach rolls and thick thighs like his ex which isn’t me. I had an anxiety attack reading the journal and I can’t stop thinking about it but I also feel so guilty because I invaded his privacy. So I’m not really innocent either

Thinking about innocence and guilt won't help you. Put yourself first and do what you have to do to get better. No one is "innocent", we're all human. I too read my ex's journal after he told me we were through and although it was ethically wrong, I'm not at all sorry because it told me what I needed to know. Life is complicated.

Put yourself first and stop trying to figure out what you did "wrong".

I have a past with a bdsm-addicted man too. I was in love with him and too brainwashed by media and porn, actively seeking these sessions.

And I felt so hurt and empty afterwards. There was no aftercare, it was all hush-hush and he didnt want to wear a condom. He also told me super-chill that he was sadistic and narcistic and saw kink as a good way to let it out. I cant remember one time him actually making love with me. I was

You cant consent when you have been manipulated. Don't torture yourself, block him and his group on all platforms and sites.

(Will write more later)

I'm so glad you're not with him any more. That was very brave.

It honestly wasn’t really my choice. I wasn’t brave at all

You were brave to write this. Very brave. To admit you messed up to someone else is often the hardest thing to do, whether you say it or write it. And now you have started, so to say, to put this mistake outside yourself, to distinguish what you did—you went along with things you didn't want to do when you were manipulated by a lying, woman-hating narcissist—from you, yourself, as a whole person with your own needs, rights, and responsibilites. The mistake isn't you: it's something you did. You, yourself, aren't a mistake. Your history of anorexia shows you have a history of self-destructive tendencies, but you recovered from it, which is a major achievement. So I hope you will find some peace for the whole person that is you by forgiving yourself, and some courage from reminding yourself that you did it once before, so you can do it again. Once you build self-respect, it's the best feeling in the world, even if it presents a daunting responsibility too.

Thank you. You’re right. I guess I just feel embarrassed but I am trying to be compassionate. I’m working on building self trust and self esteem in therapy and since I’m not totally there yet I try to view the situation from a lens of what if a guy had acted like this toward a friend of mine and it is easier to be angry.

Amareldys and Aparallaxia are right. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are brave. It took courage to write this out and ask for help and support.

I've been in a similar situation, and it's hard. Healing is an ongoing process, and it takes time and space.

Also, just for your own future knowing, in my experience guys who are 'a bit nerdy' and seem really sweet on the outside are the worst for kink shit and feeling entitled to having every single one of their messed up fantasies fulfilled.

I know I should have run as soon as I found out he’s a Reddit user who watches anime.

Well even if he did the breaking up... I'm glad you're not with him.

First of all, stop checking his social media. Block him on all fronts, and if necessary take an extended break from sm. No good is coming from that. it's like picking at a scab. You keep reopening the wound and can't heal.

Secondly, consent to sex is enthusiastic. It cannot be gained by gaslighting, lying, manipulating, coercion, crocodile tears, guilt tripping, or incessant pestering. You might have said "ok" but that doesn't make it consent in the truest form. So I would suggest working on challenging your internal monologue that says "I feel stupid for consenting" with "that p.o.s. manipulated me."

Finally, anger as an emotion is meant to protect you from further harm. Don't fell bad about being angry, but do make sure you channel it in a healthy, productive way.

I would also recommend reading Why Does He Do That to help put things in perspective and The Gift of Fear to help you protect yourself in the future.

I’m going to block him on social media but I haven’t done it yet. I feel like I abandoned my true self because I wanted him to like me. Thanks for the recommendation I will check those out

You didn't abandon your true self even a little bit. You were manipulated. You've been the same person this whole time. You haven't changed, he's the piece of shit here, you are the victim

[–] Lilith 5 points Edited

We've all been there with a gaslighting, emotionally abusive man. I want you to know first of all, I am so SO happy that you're able to feel anger right now. That's a GOOD thing. You're supposed to be angry. That emotion is a necessary part of the recovery process. Embrace it and use it to motivate yourself to CUT and CHANGE every last thing out of your life that he put in it.

Recommended reading: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

This book will put everything into context. It will help you to stop putting all the blame on yourself. You'll come to understand the behaviors you saw in him and how they work. You'll start to understand why you didn't stick up for yourself.

I'll also put out a special mention for the book The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense

This book is a book about verbal abuse and manipulation tactics and a set of lessons on how to counter them in your life. You don't want to be caught in this predicament of not knowing how to defend yourself again. You want to enforce your boundaries and command respect. This book is a lesson on how to achieve that, the very first of its kind.

For all the ugly pain, that's happening because what you went through was a serious betrayal and deep trauma. I'd consider therapy. Finding something cathartic can help too. Journaling, art, even taking up some self-defense class like martial arts or kick boxing so you can punch and kick your way through your feelings.

I’ve not been in your situation before however I am the same age as you and am a recovered anorexic , I’m also trying to unlearn a lot that I was encouraged to do growing up. It’s not your fault , we as women are taught from the cradle to be subservient , to be compliant and to keep your emotions hidden. It’s something that takes a huge effort to override. Honestly I’d be wishing death on anyone who would do this to someone , maybe expose his concerning kinks to his mother ? Or Facebook friends ?

Regarding your relapse in your anorexia - DON’T that sociopathic wanker is NOT worth your health. by telling you to gain weight so he can wank , I can see how triggering that would be , especially if he told you to eat quantities out of your comfort zone. This man is a manipulative snake, he’s a fat fetishist for one 🚩, gets off to fat, misogynistic shaming🚩🚩 and the fact that he cried when you refused the weight gain🚩🚩🚩after you disclosed your history of having one of the most deadly mental health diagnosis 🚩🚩🚩🚩. This man probably manipulated every single one of his girlfriends, do not feel stupid for falling prey to a man who entered a relationship under false pretences of being a normal human being.

I thought of exposing him to his mom when I was really angry to be honest. But I figured that’s too far. What I did do in the heat of the moment was make passive aggressive tik toks about the situation and then follow a bunch of people he knows so they know he’s a fucking weirdo creep. His roommates girlfriend followed me back I think she never liked him.

We have all gone through something like this, you aren't disgusting and you aren't a bad person, HE is the scumbag.

What a sorry piece of shit. It's not for everyone, but I highly recommend at least checking out the Female Dating Strategy handbook, it's all online and it's free.

If you follow their instructions, you won't have to ever deal with a loser like this again. I'm sorry you're hurting

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