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A convenient lie often told to people is that fetishes can't be changed, therefore we should just accept that we have them and continue on with them.

It's convenient for two reasons, first because it keeps people involved in bdsm longer (or in a relationship, continuing to satisfy the kink of one's partner). They're always recruiting and trying to keep participation up because they NEED TO. People leave, kink communities die off if they aren't working hard to find and keep members.

It's also convenient because it curbs any doubts or guilt about fetishes. It's an excuse to give up on changing, even for people who realize that they need change.

The lucky thing is that it IS a lie! We learned it and we can unlearn it. A fetish can be gradually diminished with consistent application of tools designed for other learned behaviors and unwanted thoughts.

False beliefs that reinforce the kinky lifestyle like "i can't stop." or "I'm just a submissive by nature" (examples of things that I know many have) can be challenged with alternative messages whenever we find ourselves repeating those. Instead of "I can't stop",, "It's worth trying.", "Kink is just a choice, and I choose to quit for my own well-being." etc. For example.

Another example is fantasies that we did not ask to have and are unwanted. These become intrusive thoughts and like other intrusive thinking we can change those to be less frequent over time. You can learn more about intrusive thoughts. You can ask your therapist for help with these if you have one. What has worked for me may not work for everyone, but I found two things that helped me most were to 1. Resist any temptation brought on by the fantasy, letting the arousal naturally subside instead of doing anything that might make it stronger. This method trains the mind/body to stop associating pleasure with the unwanted thought. 2. Just calmly waiting, accepting the thought is present and letting it go on its own. Finding a way to relax and keep calm also tends to help reduce those thoughts.

I have heard from many of the members here that they are still struggling with unwanted fetishes and fantasies.

I learned these methods just from resources on managing depression and applied them to the unwanted fantasies. They did help. I have those thoughts less often and feel less distressed overall. I once had powerful urges to find someone to beat me. I had been conditioned to have those masochistic urges. I haven't craved pain in years.

This does not mean forgoing sex either. That might be necessary as a temporary solution if the fantasy is too well rooted (if someone can't get aroused or get off without it), but eventually it is possible to enjoy other things - passionate non-kinky sex and fantasies.

No one is submissive or dominant by nature. No one is born craving abuse or wishing pain on others. We learn that. We learn that it works. Once we have understood how we got to that point, we can learn different patterns and relationship styles, different bedroom behaviors and ways to make things exciting.

This is just a rant because I have had this question so many times and see people who wanted to stop being told that they can't. And that's bullshit. Yes you can!

A convenient lie often told to people is that fetishes can't be changed, therefore we should just accept that we have them and continue on with them. It's convenient for two reasons, first because it keeps people involved in bdsm longer (or in a relationship, continuing to satisfy the kink of one's partner). They're always recruiting and trying to keep participation up because they NEED TO. People leave, kink communities die off if they aren't working hard to find and keep members. It's also convenient because it curbs any doubts or guilt about fetishes. It's an excuse to give up on changing, even for people who realize that they need change. The lucky thing is that it IS a lie! We learned it and we can unlearn it. A fetish can be gradually diminished with consistent application of tools designed for other learned behaviors and unwanted thoughts. False beliefs that reinforce the kinky lifestyle like "i can't stop." or "I'm just a submissive by nature" (examples of things that I know many have) can be challenged with alternative messages whenever we find ourselves repeating those. Instead of "I can't stop",, "It's worth trying.", "Kink is just a choice, and I choose to quit for my own well-being." etc. For example. Another example is fantasies that we did not ask to have and are unwanted. These become intrusive thoughts and like other intrusive thinking we can change those to be less frequent over time. You can learn more about intrusive thoughts. You can ask your therapist for help with these if you have one. What has worked for me may not work for everyone, but I found two things that helped me most were to 1. Resist any temptation brought on by the fantasy, letting the arousal naturally subside instead of doing anything that might make it stronger. This method trains the mind/body to stop associating pleasure with the unwanted thought. 2. Just calmly waiting, accepting the thought is present and letting it go on its own. Finding a way to relax and keep calm also tends to help reduce those thoughts. I have heard from many of the members here that they are still struggling with unwanted fetishes and fantasies. I learned these methods just from resources on managing depression and applied them to the unwanted fantasies. They did help. I have those thoughts less often and feel less distressed overall. I once had powerful urges to find someone to beat me. I had been conditioned to have those masochistic urges. I haven't craved pain in years. This does not mean forgoing sex either. That might be necessary as a temporary solution if the fantasy is too well rooted (if someone can't get aroused or get off without it), but eventually it is possible to enjoy other things - passionate non-kinky sex and fantasies. No one is submissive or dominant by nature. No one is born craving abuse or wishing pain on others. We learn that. We learn that it works. Once we have understood how we got to that point, we can learn different patterns and relationship styles, different bedroom behaviors and ways to make things exciting. This is just a rant because I have had this question so many times and see people who wanted to stop being told that they can't. And that's bullshit. Yes you can!

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[–] Lilith [OP] 14 points Edited

It's really just written for the people who are receptive, maybe even curious about making a change and just aren't sure how or if that's possible.

The single most common question people have in /r/antikink is "How do I change my fetish?" This was originally made to give anyone like that hope.

Wow that’s dark! I wasn’t trying to say anything against your post if it seemed that way.

Don’t you think the majority of these are caused by rampant porn use? It’s destroyed the minds of so many. I remember reading lots of relationship advice posts where the woman was wondering if it’s alright that her bf or husband was doing a certain thing like not coming to bed til 5am, not letting her ever see his computer, or jacking off too much to have good sex and it was always glaringly obvious the dude has a fetish he indulges online.