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Fucking evil.

Shit like this makes me wish I wasn't heterosexual.

Apparently being a political lesbian was super a thing in the 70's womens liberation movement

These people still exist, but lesbians requested they call themselves politically celibate instead since... they aren’t actually lesbians lol.

[–] worried19 3 points Edited

Yeah, unfortunately neither option really works for me.

I have a male partner, but how do you ever know 100% that your partner is not one of these evil people? It's nightmare fuel.

So I never thought it should matter that much, but TIL you should never ever discuss trauma or prior relationships with a male partner.

Yup. Better safe than sorry. Especially when the male partner watches porn.

Yeah, even if they aren’t this messed up about it, they’ll still use your history against you. The one time I told a man about something traumatic, he brought it up in an argument to prove his point.

Literally never discuss your sexual trauma with males.

So a woman with a male partner has to hide this huge, impactful truth about herself and her past because males are unable to empathize with women and respect her bodily autonomy?! What kind of a relationship is that?

I say this often, but I really think Patriarchy steals so much from straight women and I can't wait for a world without patriarchy so we can all be free; their children are given their husband's name despite her doing most of the childrearing, the ability to be her full self with a partner (lest he add more trauma to her life or get off on the trauma she's already experienced), birth control and limited sexual agency, women lose so much partnering with a man and gain very little in return.

I agree, it's terrible. I got married before I became a rad fem, so my husband is kind of grandfathered in. But we do not have a very close relationship. He does pull his weight in general on most things, he does not abuse me, he does not cheat (that I know of), so I can stick it out to minimize disruption to our child. But if I end up single again for any reason, I am done with men.

Looking at my list he sounds pretty good as men go, which is pathetic because it's the bare minimum. I feel kind of bad saying these things about him, I do care about him a lot, but he is definitely no Nigel.

How are these men shocked that women find it horrific that they are actively aroused by imagining assaulting them? Somehow this is even worse than the kink stuff because it's not just role-playing, they know that actual pain and suffering was caused and take pleasure in taking the role of the abuser.

I have found the same thing.

It takes a strong stomach, but it’s actually a good way to weed out predators and assholes. If you tell a male friend or guy you’re dating about your rape and he becomes turned on rather than outraged and disgusted, it’s actually pretty obvious, even if he doesn’t immediately react that way. He’ll have tells (of not feeling all that outraged, asking if you really said no, or if you were really raped, or he’ll later show some dark perverse thing which he thinks is totally normal; for example, I had a friend I’d told about my trauma, who then later told me every time I came over to smoke weed with him, he thought about tying me to the radiator like Samuel L Jackson had Cristina Ricci in Black Snake Moan. He tried to say this was because he was Native American and I’m white, thus echoing the racial relationship of Sam Jackson and Cristina Ricci? Just nope nope nope. Other guys repeatedly made comments to the effect of me possibly lying to them, two other men were overly sympathetic and then set me up to assault me, because they totally got off on what had happened to me and wanted to replicate it; in retrospect, their behavior and plans were clear, I was just dismissing the obvious red flags).

Good men have: cried; commiserated about their own sexual assault; sympathized; not been overly interested (don’t bring it up or want to talk about it unless I do); listened to me; shared that many of their female friends and partners have been through the same; given me heartening advice; never once asked if I were sure it really happened; recognized to be more careful about sex with me (not because I’m any sort of danger to them, but because they wouldn’t want to hurt me); had nightmares about what happened to me; exclaimed they couldn’t understand how I was able to have sex without remembering the rape (and then felt bad about it; this was the “unacceptable” thing that a man thought- how could I have sex again or even be around men again?); declare that I’m much stronger a person and they would never have survived; and, the one man I did sleep with was so averse to hurting or using me that he wanted to only have sex with eye contact and felt uncomfortable with me giving him oral sex (but not vice-versa), and would never, ever have hurt me.

So, such men do exist.

Is it dreadful that we have to weed out so many men who are like the above? Yes. Is it grim the way in which I weed them out? Yes, but I do need to be able to tell any partner my trauma history, as I still struggle with PTSD. I also weed out men by refusing to have sex with them and asking instead for a friendship. Men who stick around when you meet in a dating capacity and then firmly friend zone them are men who are putting in their time.

I do a lot of vetting, and while it doesn’t always result in wonderful or lasting relationships, it does mean I’m not dating rapists or would-be rapists anymore.

My last ex did something like this. He was a TIM, and once I confided to him about when I was molested as a kid, and mentioned something specific the perpetrator said to me. I made it clear that I was still haunted by it, and was confiding in him because I trusted him.

The next time we had sex, he repeated the thing to me that my perpetrator had said.

Thankfully I was woke enough at that point that I was like "what the fuck is wrong with you? What on god's green earth would make you think that was a good idea?"

Men actually can't disassociate pleasure and sex. They typically (there are exceptions) need to be sexually aroused in order to have it. Women do not. Women can be unconscious and still engage in "sex". Sex and pleasure are not necessarily two connected concepts to women. So that's why I think men can't ever seem to understand why these experiences are horrific for women. They think we're also experiencing sexual pleasure, so what's the big deal? They literally cannot imagine sex without pleasure (except for prison rape, which apparently "isn't the same"???)

Lately I’ve been trying to divorce the concept of sex and rape.

Sex is to rape, like drinking a refreshing glass of cool water is to being waterboarded.

[–] KBash 3 points Edited

I know of a story of a man who was raped by his girlfriend...

trigger warning

She suggested BDSM with some handcuffs, saying she'd cuff him to the bed and give him a BJ. She then proceeded to penetrate him with a giant dildo as he was crying and begging her to stop, for about twenty minutes. Then she left him, still crying and begging to be uncuffed, and went into the living room to eat some snacks and watch TV. Eventually she decided to uncuff him.

He called the police, who he said immediately understood the situation when he explained it, and arrested her.

Now that is rape, and a very uncomfortable, painful, humiliating, violating experience for the man (to be clear, I do think women can take advantage of men in less physically violent ways, which I think on the whole tend to be far less traumatic- both physically and considering there's no weight of matriarchy and female sexual violence constantly bearing down on men; their experiences may be dismissed, but that's due to patriarchy, and I've seen the opposite in progressive circles, of them being taken far more seriously- as if men are more dismissed than women, more mistreated when they're raped by women, which is simply not true)- but this is, clearly, the kind of rape that women more often experience: violent, humiliating, designed to hurt or humiliate and objectify.

Maybe that they could understand. Yet since women rarely perpetrate such violence against men, the vast majority of them never will. Whereas all women do- because we all know women that scenarios like this have happened to; or it's happened to us- so many of us, so frequently many of us have normalized it, as if that's "sex;" so many men thinking hurting and humiliating us- often brutally- is part of "sex."

And yeah, the cops would not show up and immediately arrest the man, when he holds us down and anally rapes us. laughs grimly at the mere notion

I once dating a guy in my early 20s who told me that all women have rape fantasies and if they say they don’t they’re just repressed and don’t want to look bad. I asked him if he thought women who have been raped have this fantasy and he said yeah, that it could actually help you heal from it to play it out in a safe way. I just started laughing and said “you’re a psycho” and he said “if you honestly don’t then you’re the only girl I’ve asked about this that doesn’t, all the other I said this to admitted to thinking it seems hot” and that ruined my week.

Women only have rape fantasies for the same reason women who have been raped often engage in repetition compulsion: to try to achieve some sense of mastery over their greatest fear or trauma.

There's also the indoctrination into sexual and social masochism, the centering of men (men like to hear that women have rape fantasies; men like women who have rape fantasies), and the internalized misogyny- the sexualizing of our own sexual abuse; the way that the sexual abuse we've directly experienced or the sexual abuse of the larger culture- warps our sexuality in unhealthy, damaging, self-destructive ways.

But such men never think about any of this.

I honestly try to keep my men are scum statements to a bare minimum being a lesbian and all but with this: men are truly scum.

But the problem is women won’t lower their standards and give nice guys a chance. The bar is already in hell, how much lower does it need to be?

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