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There's no such thing as non-abusive BDSM. Even the ones who never push boundaries still opportunistically target victims with porous or no boundaries to exploit. If she has been trained that she can't say no, she can't say yes.

my ex-boyfriend from high school (yes, high school) was heavily into bdsm and violent, degrading porn and sex. and i’m telling you, i’m very lucky to be alive right now. what pushed me out of that relationship was learning about the case of paul bernardo and karla homolka - i saw so many similarities between my ex and bernardo and i needed to get out before he killed someone. the bdsm scene is essentially a safe haven for the most depraved, fucked up men on the planet, it exposed me to the darkest side of the male psyche. it is built on the brutalization of women and it pains me to see porn and the sex liberation movement glorifying it.

Glad to hear you are not with that depraved creep anymore.

it pains me to see porn and the sex liberation movement glorifying it.

The feminist Gail Dines calls this the collective grooming of women. Seeing the growing resurgence of radical feminism in the last few years gives me hope though. Young women are thankfully finding out that there is nothing "prudish" or "repressed" about having boundaries and not wanting to be abused.

[–] belladonna 5 points Edited

the porn industry is 100% grooming women into accepting more violent, degrading sex and men into expecting it as the standard. i’m only 19, and it’s incredibly hard to find women my age who don’t engage in rough sex with their boyfriends just to please them, or out of fear of being called boring/vanilla. when i was around 16 or so, my best friend at the time was blowing her boyfriend and without her consent, he (excuse my crude language) face-fucked her, repeatedly choking her with his dick so she couldn’t breathe. i remember her telling me of this experience in our friend group group chat and being horrified, telling her to break up with him, and all of my other friends kept going on about how hot it was. he would also threaten to “fuck her against her will” all the time (rape her), and nobody saw this as a red flag except for me. i was eventually kicked out of this friend group for trying to “ruin their relationship.” it just baffles me how porn-poisoned all of these women (girls at the time) are. hopefully they will see the truth soon. i tried my best to help them.

What you say doesn't surprise me. I recently came across these tiktok screenshots where young girls who have probably not even had their first kiss yet are saying they want to get choked and beaten up during sex.

I am in my late 20s and it is chilling to see how quickly things have changed. The boys in my high school look downright angelic compared to the guys girls have to deal with nowadays. Honestly, you sound like such a good friend for speaking up. I know it sounds kinda cheesy to say this but it's really their loss for removing you from the group. Peer pressure sucks and it is especially bad at that age. I think they will realize how wrong this all is sometime in the future. However, probably after suffering a lot of trauma where they reach a breaking point :(

There's no spaces for that because it's not healthy, it's the opposite of recovery, and is ultimately regressive to any progress you'd otherwise make emotionally.

She needs to drop any people who respond to her that way because normal people who aren't part of the community, in general, would not say any of that. I worry that she's still technically in the community, which seems to attract people with problems, abusers and victims alike, both of which will be dangerous for her in healing.

he wasn't a "real dom"

No true Scotsman fallacy? In a mostly male community? It's more likely than you think!