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I've talked about this elsewhere on this site, but I thought we in this community might have a different perspective.

In short, a little over a year ago, a very close friend of mine came out as a TIF. She quickly started taking hormones and had her double mastectomy only a couple of months into her transition. She's my age -- which is to say, late 30s -- and, like me, grew up in a very progressive city where we knew lots of trans people even in the 90s. Unlike me, her parents are also very progressive and supporting, and also unlike me, she's straight (and thinks of herself as a gay man now).

A year before all this started, I had gone through my own noisy coming out process, and then, several months in, started to quietly desist. She was supportive of me when I was trans, but we never really got a chance to talk about my desisting when she herself came out as trans.

Anyway, all of this is background information that's not really the point: the point is that I can't get over it. Once she legally changed her name earlier this year, it all finally hit me like a ton of bricks and I've never been the same. I suppose she was my real "peak trans," but it's been absolutely devastating for me. I cry over it all the time, I think about our childhoods together and our sleepovers at each other's houses, and how we were around for so many of each other's "firsts." We rarely speak anymore, we no longer live in the same city, it may be a couple of years before I even see her in person again, but I can't get over this tremendous grief. Part of it is that I feel guilt and wish I had spoken to her when I was starting to question things and when I desisted -- perhaps it would have given her some perspective and stopped things. But the truth is, I don't think that would have stopped her. She probably would've just written me off as a TERF, then. She's been indoctrinated into the trans cult for a long time, long before she herself transitioned.

Obviously, she doesn't know I'm GC. I'm torn on ever telling her, because I don't want to lose her from my life. But I know that I've already lost her, in many respects. It's not something I really need to deal with until we see each other in person again, anyway. But for now ... how do I deal with my devastation? I'm in therapy with an amazing GC therapist (I am SO lucky) and I talk about this with her. But I think there's a special pain that I feel, as someone who went through this before her and surely just added to the general "everyone cool is trans now" climate that she lives in. Is anyone else here dealing with anything similar? Thanks for reading this long thing.

I've talked about this elsewhere on this site, but I thought we in this community might have a different perspective. In short, a little over a year ago, a very close friend of mine came out as a TIF. She quickly started taking hormones and had her double mastectomy only a couple of months into her transition. She's my age -- which is to say, late 30s -- and, like me, grew up in a very progressive city where we knew lots of trans people even in the 90s. Unlike me, her parents are also very progressive and supporting, and also unlike me, she's straight (and thinks of herself as a gay man now). A year before all this started, I had gone through my own noisy coming out process, and then, several months in, started to quietly desist. She was supportive of me when I was trans, but we never really got a chance to talk about my desisting when she herself came out as trans. Anyway, all of this is background information that's not really the point: the point is that I can't get over it. Once she legally changed her name earlier this year, it all finally hit me like a ton of bricks and I've never been the same. I suppose she was my real "peak trans," but it's been absolutely devastating for me. I cry over it all the time, I think about our childhoods together and our sleepovers at each other's houses, and how we were around for so many of each other's "firsts." We rarely speak anymore, we no longer live in the same city, it may be a couple of years before I even see her in person again, but I can't get over this tremendous grief. Part of it is that I feel guilt and wish I had spoken to her when I was starting to question things and when I desisted -- perhaps it would have given her some perspective and stopped things. But the truth is, I don't think that would have stopped her. She probably would've just written me off as a TERF, then. She's been indoctrinated into the trans cult for a long time, long before she herself transitioned. Obviously, she doesn't know I'm GC. I'm torn on ever telling her, because I don't want to lose her from my life. But I know that I've already lost her, in many respects. It's not something I really need to deal with until we see each other in person again, anyway. But for now ... how do I deal with my devastation? I'm in therapy with an amazing GC therapist (I am SO lucky) and I talk about this with her. But I think there's a special pain that I feel, as someone who went through this before her and surely just added to the general "everyone cool is trans now" climate that she lives in. Is anyone else here dealing with anything similar? Thanks for reading this long thing.

5 comments

Not going into specifics but yes. This is scarily similar to more than one experience I've had and it's terrible. It gets to a point where you need to accept that this is something they need to figure out on their own and nothing you say or do can stop someone who is so convinced this is the only way they can be happy and anyone who disagrees wants them dead. I've been meaning to look into the stories of people who have escaped from cults so I can better understand because I really think being wrapped up in gender ideology and worrying about how you're being perceived 24/7 distorts your thinking in the same way.

God I wish I knew. A year ago both me and my childhood best friend were iding as nonbinary. Now, I've desisted and she's gone on to change her name and get hormones. It's awful.

I don't know what to do about it tho :/

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to watch someone go down a bad road & not know when they’re going to come out the other side if ever.