First, I want to say I'm very grateful for this space.
I am a detrans female. For years I've struggled with feelings of "dysphoria" and I was on testosterone injections for a few years. Detransition came as a relief. I've long been concerned about "the cotton ceiling" and such (was an early detractor), and seeing the insane reality-denial and spread of the TRA movement has been overwhelming.
But despite being an early detractor, I felt alienated enough by "conventional womanhood" to find myself in a place where I felt enough shame about my body and sexuality to transition.
I would describe myself as a lesbian, since so far in life I've been exclusively attracted to fellow female humans. And yes, as an adult, only adult human females. But I remember having these tendencies from childhood.
I've never fit in with femininity. I don't know if I am fully butch, or if I have accepted it. Part of my detransition has had me feeling like I need to overcompensate by becoming more feminine.
I really want a three-piece, tailored suit, a short haircut, and to be out there living my own life as I see fit. To be successful.
All this baggage has really made my life a nightmare. Every success I've had, I've lost it. I lost a lucrative position when my boss realized I was a lesbian.
I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, I don't feel like I will ever find anyone who loves me - I'm not even really certain I'm attracted to conventional femininity most of the time. Just women, adult human females.
There is so much shame attached to the word "lesbian" and it really gets to me. I don't know how to find my way to a place where I feel secure in who I am, and I recently turned 30.
It's like the world is designed to screw a butch lesbian over.
I don't know what I'm looking for, even. I would prefer brutal honesty and solid advice to aphorisms like "it gets better."
Sometimes, I feel like "living as a man" would make my life easier in this climate, but I'm not a man, and I shouldn't have to pretend.
Everything is just absolutely bonkers.