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I try not to go down the trans rabbit hole too much these days but in the past couple of weeks being on Ovarit has linked me to some bullshit that I can't really deal with and I'm struggling.

Now that I have a pretty good handle on my dysphoria stuff that I took for granted seems ludicrous and sad-- the idea that a huge chunk of lesbians now take 'roids for "mental health" is insanity inducing alone. But seeing shit like... mainstream LGBT social media endorsing a 18 year old's desire for "nullification surgery", female celebrities including gender conforming ones spontaneously transing in spades, seeing posts about how trans females "just love their hysterectomy!" as if it's a new couch or something and not a surgery, an entire subreddit with multiple posts a day devoted to people who have gotten cosmetic mastectomies without nipples, that fucking Facebook video with the trans couple with a baby... I ran into a research article the other day where a gender surgeon gave a self-identified cis woman a metoidoplasty!

I feel like I'm literally in a coma and hallucinating. I do not feel like I recognize reality anymore. At my job (which is NOT healthcare or gender/sexuality related in the least) I have gone from seeing a trans person maybe once a week to now seeing 4-5 every day and they're almost all young women with severe social anxiety and/or a chip on their shoulder. For fuck's sake I have had to deal with someone with yaoi pins on her shirt asking me if I was a "plant gay"... this is along with the multiple times a week where clients/customers play the pronoun game with me and assume I am trans or studiously avoid calling me a woman or correct themselves or whatever the fuck.

I used to strongly feel like I could explain to somebody what my experience was like, why I had chosen to not transition, etc. so long as they would listen in good faith. I felt like the "kids" were reachable and you could talk to people about gender stuff. Like, maybe they would be hostile but at least we would be on the same page about the reasons why we all wanted to do this shit to ourselves. But now barely legal adults are getting their nipples amputated because the idea of a graft (but not fucking surgery itself) "makes them uncomfy :(" and surgeons are willing to make them look like alien children and it's unthinkable to ask basic questions like "why". I do NOT feel like I occupy the same reality as these people.

I went down a youtube rabbit hole by accident and found the entire community of "subliminals" where people watch and re-watch videos that are supposed to literally give them certain qualities (or somehow "manifest" them for you, or get you to achieve them some how) and there are TONS of these for dysphoric girls, where you just listen to music with inaudible "affirmations" that are supposed to make your chest flat or your jaw bigger or you taller or whatever the fuck. There's also trans affirmation ASMRs that kids listen to where creepy guys (mostly) practice using your pronouns and tell you that you are SO VALID and such a great guy and all this shit. This world is literally unrecognizable to me-- it would have been unthinkable even when I was the most divorced from reality, unemployed, mentally ill, trapped online as an escape that this wouldn't have appeared disturbing to me...

I mean otherkin and all ye olde crazy internet seem tame in comparison... I was a kid who was obsessed with animals and supernatural beings and I get the appeal of lots of kinds of escapism even if it's embarrassing. Watching all this and having it invade my IRL reality (a "trans butch" female comics artist with an incredibly silly name and aggressively simpering gender politics came into my workplace the other day) makes me feel like I'm on the ride to hell every day.

Dysphoria was honestly preferable to feeling this level of Kafkaesque horror. I have "cis women" with pronoun necklaces that say "she/her" walk into my workplace and then women indistinguishable from them come in with "they/them" hoop earrings and then women who look exactly like the other two come in with a dirtstache wanting to change their name on their accounts to video game character or popular boys' names from 2015. My boss asked me if I was going to cut off my boobs the other day because I casually mentioned I had shoulder pain. I'm about ready to tunnel straight into the ground and never come out. I'm 3 seconds away from buying a wig and pretending I am straight so at least people don't "they" me or ask me about "queer health in the area" or randomly tell me about some trans man who does dog sledding while I'm getting paid butt wages to do something mundane...

I try not to go down the trans rabbit hole too much these days but in the past couple of weeks being on Ovarit has linked me to some bullshit that I can't really deal with and I'm struggling. Now that I have a pretty good handle on my dysphoria stuff that I took for granted seems ludicrous and sad-- the idea that a huge chunk of lesbians now take 'roids for "mental health" is insanity inducing alone. But seeing shit like... mainstream LGBT social media endorsing a 18 year old's desire for "nullification surgery", female celebrities including gender conforming ones spontaneously transing in spades, seeing posts about how trans females "just love their hysterectomy!" as if it's a new couch or something and not a surgery, an entire subreddit with multiple posts a day devoted to people who have gotten cosmetic mastectomies without nipples, that fucking Facebook video with the trans couple with a baby... I ran into a research article the other day where a gender surgeon gave a self-identified cis woman a metoidoplasty! I feel like I'm literally in a coma and hallucinating. I do not feel like I recognize reality anymore. At my job (which is NOT healthcare or gender/sexuality related in the least) I have gone from seeing a trans person maybe once a week to now seeing 4-5 every day and they're almost all young women with severe social anxiety and/or a chip on their shoulder. For fuck's sake I have had to deal with someone with yaoi pins on her shirt asking me if I was a "plant gay"... this is along with the multiple times a week where clients/customers play the pronoun game with me and assume I am trans or studiously avoid calling me a woman or correct themselves or whatever the fuck. I used to strongly feel like I could explain to somebody what my experience was like, why I had chosen to not transition, etc. so long as they would listen in good faith. I felt like the "kids" were reachable and you could talk to people about gender stuff. Like, maybe they would be hostile but at least we would be on the same page about the reasons why we all wanted to do this shit to ourselves. But now barely legal adults are getting their nipples amputated because the idea of a graft (but not fucking surgery itself) "makes them uncomfy :(" and surgeons are willing to make them look like alien children and it's unthinkable to ask basic questions like "why". I do NOT feel like I occupy the same reality as these people. I went down a youtube rabbit hole by accident and found the entire community of "subliminals" where people watch and re-watch videos that are supposed to literally give them certain qualities (or somehow "manifest" them for you, or get you to achieve them some how) and there are TONS of these for dysphoric girls, where you just listen to music with inaudible "affirmations" that are supposed to make your chest flat or your jaw bigger or you taller or whatever the fuck. There's also trans affirmation ASMRs that kids listen to where creepy guys (mostly) practice using your pronouns and tell you that you are SO VALID and such a great guy and all this shit. This world is literally unrecognizable to me-- it would have been unthinkable even when I was the most divorced from reality, unemployed, mentally ill, trapped online as an escape that this wouldn't have appeared disturbing to me... I mean otherkin and all ye olde crazy internet seem tame in comparison... I was a kid who was obsessed with animals and supernatural beings and I get the appeal of lots of kinds of escapism even if it's embarrassing. Watching all this and having it invade my IRL reality (a "trans butch" female comics artist with an incredibly silly name and aggressively simpering gender politics came into my workplace the other day) makes me feel like I'm on the ride to hell every day. Dysphoria was honestly preferable to feeling this level of Kafkaesque horror. I have "cis women" with pronoun necklaces that say "she/her" walk into my workplace and then women indistinguishable from them come in with "they/them" hoop earrings and then women who look exactly like the other two come in with a dirtstache wanting to change their name on their accounts to video game character or popular boys' names from 2015. My boss asked me if I was going to cut off my boobs the other day because I casually mentioned I had shoulder pain. I'm about ready to tunnel straight into the ground and never come out. I'm 3 seconds away from buying a wig and pretending I am straight so at least people don't "they" me or ask me about "queer health in the area" or randomly tell me about some trans man who does dog sledding while I'm getting paid butt wages to do something mundane...

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Yes, I really truly thought that this would peak at some point and the excesses would tank the whole thing. Like there'd be literally no way that trans-ing this many children would be sustainable and parents would surely wake the fuck up... and then I read stats that like 10% of kids in certain surveyed schools are transgender identified, something like half or more of LGBT kids are nonbinary or questioning whether they are. That lesbians surely would start waking up about how fucked up the whole "expecting lesbians to fuck dicks" thing is and now it's a standard position at dyke marches that penises are great.

Today I saw a trio of begendered young people--all of them female-- and one of them was an unkempt girl with long blonde hair, full testosterone beard, high waisted jeans pulled up under her breasts, and a pink shirt with an anime character on it that said PRETTY BOY. I literally do not know what this is supposed to mean. Who does she think she is? Who does she think other people think she is? How does she want to be treated and who does she want attention from? How does this make ANY sense and how has it become impossible for everyone in her life to react normally and naturally to her presentation (i.e. with bafflement and concern)?

I feel like I'm being forced to maintain a level of social dissociation that mirrors the level of body/mind dissociation I felt when acutely dysphoric. Like my social presence or ability to communicate socially is being fragmented if that makes sense. I think at one point I was very optimistic I could integrate into the social world "as a lesbian" even if it was tough, and I could have a social existence that didn't grate against the possibility of being recognized as a full human being. But now that hope has not just gone out the window but feels deader than when I imagined myself as either a guy or as a self-effacing woman. It's like if everyone is so utterly divorced from reality then there's no "ground" I can base any earnest, authentic communication upon, and everything I say is completely meaningless or subject to wild distortion.