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A lot of the discussion in radfem and GC spaces is focused on AGP, and I understand why. However, as someone who used to identify as non-binary for the past eight years (Tumblr really got me good :/) I wish there were more discussions about AHE/AAP. I'm not really sure I can even identify as "detrans" since I never transitioned to begin with (I have "transphobic" parents so I never brought it up with them, thankfully. If they were more accepting I probably would have gotten top surgery, a hysterectomy, and probably be on a low dose of T). I still get dysphoric from time to time, though.

I guess my "AHE" stemmed from the BL manga I read when I was in middle school. I know not everyone who reads BL ends up this way, but I guess I was just trying to escape growing up. I have problems with sex and sexuality, and therefore cannot imagine myself in sexual situations (no trauma). BL provided a sexual outlet for me since there were no women involved, as well as an escape from womanhood. I idolized the characters so much that I probably believed becoming one would help me escape womanhood permanently. I still read BL and have these feelings from time to time, but I no longer want to transition. I just wish I had more people to talk about these feelings with.

A lot of the discussion in radfem and GC spaces is focused on AGP, and I understand why. However, as someone who used to identify as non-binary for the past eight years (Tumblr really got me good :/) I wish there were more discussions about AHE/AAP. I'm not really sure I can even identify as "detrans" since I never transitioned to begin with (I have "transphobic" parents so I never brought it up with them, thankfully. If they were more accepting I probably would have gotten top surgery, a hysterectomy, and probably be on a low dose of T). I still get dysphoric from time to time, though. I guess my "AHE" stemmed from the BL manga I read when I was in middle school. I know not everyone who reads BL ends up this way, but I guess I was just trying to escape growing up. I have problems with sex and sexuality, and therefore cannot imagine myself in sexual situations (no trauma). BL provided a sexual outlet for me since there were no women involved, as well as an escape from womanhood. I idolized the characters so much that I probably believed becoming one would help me escape womanhood permanently. I still read BL and have these feelings from time to time, but I no longer want to transition. I just wish I had more people to talk about these feelings with.

8 comments

I'm a desister with a very similar background. I grew up with a very conservative father, so my parents never knew I had plans to transition nor how heavily involved with BL and fandom shipping I was. One thing that seems common among people like us is this insistence that we're trans boys or non-binary, as opposed to saying we're trans men. I'm glad I'm out of that mess.

My parents are quite liberal, but in matters of LGBT issues are generally very phobic. I had plans to move out, and start transitioning on my own. I was so conflicted about it all, too, because I have a fairly good relationship with my parents and I was afraid to lose it all. I was even plotting ways to explain away all the physical changes I would end up having. I feel relief now that I no longer identify as trans, but I am bi, so I still have that to worry about now.

And yes to your last bit! I toyed around with the idea that I was FtM for a while but I was so repulsed by the idea of being a "man" so I always referred to myself as a transboy or transguy. When I was younger I could justify this, but once I turned into an adult I realized I couldn't refer to myself as a "boy" anymore and it made me deeply uncomfortable having to refer to myself as a man. That was definitely one of the signs.

Eh, I've known a lot of transguys and I've never seen anywhere near the level of sexual obsession that AGPs exhibit.

Yes, there are women who idealize and obsess over gay men. But isn't that usually a response to misogyny? I've heard so many women say "I liked gay male romance because it felt more egalitarian." Either that, or they're literally lesbians who say "I had too much internalized lesbophobia to get into lesbian romance, but I liked gay male romance because at least it wasn't straight."

I mean I see where you're coming from. The gay male obsession definitely exists, and it's something that should probably be critically examined. But just... when's the last time you heard of a woman dressing up like a little boy and eating poop out of a diaper? How about repeatedly pretending to be stuck in a bathtub naked, so emergency responders must be forced to view her surgically-constructed phallus? When's the last time you heard of a little girl stealing her father's underwear to wear while she masturbates? (There are all real examples I've seen from autogynephiles.)

Recently I was listening to an episode of transman Aaron Kimberly's podcast where Aaron proposes that for autogynephiles, the fetish comes first and the dysphoria follows as a result. For what we might call autoandrophiles, what comes first is the discomfort with being female. Any autoandrophilic behavior follows as an attempt to relieve that discomfort. In my experience, I'd definitely say this is accurate.

Of course there are also creepy FTMs out there, but even at their weirdest, I can't say I've ever seen a FTM pervert do anything illegal. I mean.... the levels of abuse (self-directed and otherwise) that autogynephiles take it to is really just staggering. I do think the female obsession with gay men is unhealthy and can be harmful to gay men when delusional transmen show up in gay male spaces and demand to be accommodated, but you just can't compare it to AGP. The motivations are completely different.

Anyway that's just my 2 cents as a desister who spent about 17 years identifying as some flavor of trans.

[+] [Deleted] 7 points

I'm a desister with AHE. I don't feel very comfortable talking about this in a public forum, but feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Thanks for the offer! I feel the same, and therefore didn't go into too much detail in my post. I'll send you a message.