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New here, thanks for the invite!

I'm a 34 year old woman. In January of this year, I finally started to transition and went on hormones. While I was super happy and excited about the changes initially, I quickly became filled with a sense of dread and losing myself as the months went on. I finally stopped transitioning in October.

So since very very early in my childhood, I had always wanted to be a man and didn't quite understand why. I did have an physically (not sexually) abusive period in my childhood but as far as I remember me identifying to be a boy/man predated that period. I did read a lot of gender critical and radfem content while I was considering transitioning and I didn't quite agree with the GC viewpoint that sexism or abuse causes women to transition and essentially they're identifying out of womanhood to escape sexism and male violence. I felt it didn't fit me.

I mean, yes, I despised sexism and male violence. It made me furious, but sexist beliefs and violence in general, also seemed so incredibly dumb that I didn't see myself wanting to change by body and go through invasive medical processes because of that.

Looking back now, I can identify how the threat of male violence did play a huge role in me wanting to be a man. So very very early on in my life I knew I was gay. Of course I didn't have sexual feelings towards anyone, but I knew I was identifying more with the dude in the couples shown on TV.

I grew up in an area where male violence was common ... rape, sexual assault, molestation, etc. I also have a huge protective instinct in me, and the fact that as a woman, I couldn't protect my future partner from men was an unbearable thought. That's precisely where the root of me wanting to be a man originated. I wasn't so much concerned about myself being a victim of male violence, I was more concerned about my partner being a victim and me not being able to protect her.

Looking back this isn't a healthy thought process to have, but I'm super glad I finally realized it and can now begin to work on it.

Just wanted to share in the hopes that this helps someone.

New here, thanks for the invite! I'm a 34 year old woman. In January of this year, I finally started to transition and went on hormones. While I was super happy and excited about the changes initially, I quickly became filled with a sense of dread and losing myself as the months went on. I finally stopped transitioning in October. So since very very early in my childhood, I had always wanted to be a man and didn't quite understand why. I did have an physically (not sexually) abusive period in my childhood but as far as I remember me identifying to be a boy/man predated that period. I did read a lot of gender critical and radfem content while I was considering transitioning and I didn't quite agree with the GC viewpoint that sexism or abuse causes women to transition and essentially they're identifying out of womanhood to escape sexism and male violence. I felt it didn't fit me. I mean, yes, I despised sexism and male violence. It made me furious, but sexist beliefs and violence in general, also seemed so incredibly dumb that I didn't see myself wanting to change by body and go through invasive medical processes because of that. Looking back now, I can identify how the threat of male violence did play a huge role in me wanting to be a man. So very very early on in my life I knew I was gay. Of course I didn't have sexual feelings towards anyone, but I knew I was identifying more with the dude in the couples shown on TV. I grew up in an area where male violence was common ... rape, sexual assault, molestation, etc. I also have a huge protective instinct in me, and the fact that as a woman, I couldn't protect my future partner from men was an unbearable thought. That's precisely where the root of me wanting to be a man originated. I wasn't so much concerned about myself being a victim of male violence, I was more concerned about my partner being a victim and me not being able to protect her. Looking back this isn't a healthy thought process to have, but I'm super glad I finally realized it and can now begin to work on it. Just wanted to share in the hopes that this helps someone.

5 comments

This is very very similar to my own feelings. I was sexually abused and physically abused by men, but my wanting to be a man predated that by 11 years, starting when I was 4. I realised my mom, my friends, all women were at risk. Rape scenes in movies, rapey lyrics, Eminem rapping about killing Kim, all of it helped lead me into me wanting to be a man.

Also i think realising I liked girls age 4 or 5, and not knowing lesbians existed because I didn’t hear the word, or see any in media, meant I had to envision a future version of myself that was alien to everything around me. So when I was 5 years old, and imagined myself being a “grown up” (usually when prompted), I was a man, so I could have a wife. I had a crush on a girl age 6 or 7 and I remember telling her in the playground that id be a boy one day, to try and get her to like me.

How did you find taking testosterone? I have a hormone imbalance so I have testosterone too high anyway - knowing the risks of my current hormone balance and then thinking about doctors saying making it artificially much , much worse, was too much for me, and caused me to question my idea of transition.

[–] [Deleted] 7 points Edited

Thanks for sharing your experience. This is indeed my experience too. Gender identity issues don't occur in a vacuum. We're constantly being bombarded with gendered messages. This is why I'm not totally on board with the idea of making it ridiculously easy to transition.

My experience with T was mostly positive tbh (better moods, more even keeled temperament, physical changes that made it easier to wear men's clothes, deeper voice), except for one very dysphoria inducing component. I absolutely hated bottom growth. It was honestly disturbing to me. And in some ways transitioning made my dysphoria worse: I felt like I was stuck in the middle of the genders and I hated that feeling. Speaking of medical side effects, yes testosterone definitely is supposed to make certain health risks worse. I already had hypertension, so that was a concern for my doctor. But during my initial days I was so stoked about transitioning that I took active care of myself and my blood pressure actually dropped few points while on T. I'm trying to retain those positive practices now.

Fundamentally though, I feel like transitioning is a way of medicalizing away real trauma instead of dealing with it. (An analogy would be: oh you broke your foot and it hurts, here let's chop it off. Then it won't hurt). Sometimes it might be a valid option, if nothing else works, but I suspect in most cases it's not.

[+] [Deleted] 2 points