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My social detransition has been pretty gradual, but I've known I was a woman for a while. I recently took on a new name (to replace my masculine trans name) and that's been rough. My (all male) family is even less open to that than they were the first time, and years later I still have to correct them on not calling me a sister/daughter/woman. It really, really feels like everyone would rather I was still pretending to be a man :(

Always had body dysmorphia, but there's no tangible concept of who I am/what I look like anymore. A little bit of childhood porn exposure thrown in and it becomes very, very easy to convince myself that no body like mine could be a woman's-- too tall, too wide a ribcage, etc., it's hard. Even in pg/adult daydreams, I'm never in them. I've over-analyzed sexuality and can't tell who I'm attracted to, if anyone. Everything I do feels off.

Just feels like I missed out developing something fundamental. :( Massive body/mind split.

My social detransition has been pretty gradual, but I've known I was a woman for a while. I recently took on a new name (to replace my masculine trans name) and that's been *rough*. My (all male) family is even less open to that than they were the first time, and years later I still have to correct them on not calling me a sister/daughter/woman. It really, really feels like everyone would rather I was still pretending to be a man :( Always had body dysmorphia, but there's *no* tangible concept of who I am/what I look like anymore. A little bit of childhood porn exposure thrown in and it becomes very, very easy to convince myself that no body like mine could be a woman's-- too tall, too wide a ribcage, etc., it's hard. Even in pg/adult daydreams, I'm never in them. I've over-analyzed sexuality and can't tell who I'm attracted to, if anyone. Everything I do feels off. Just feels like I missed out developing something fundamental. :( Massive body/mind split.

4 comments

my situation with transition and then desisting has been pretty different from yours, but i really relate to the phrase you used in the title of your post: "identity fog." even before my transition, i often felt like i was in an identity fog, kind of stuck conforming to people's expectations of me, or performing a series of roles. i think on some level i thought being trans was the solution to that. as if that was the thing i had been searching for, that was the answer to who and what i was.

my detransition has been painful because once i realized i wasn't trans, i've had to figure out how to shed all the weird roles and expectations i took on in order to make myself more pleasing to other people. or to avoid being hurt by other people.

[+] [Deleted] 6 points

I can relate so much to the massive mind and body split. At the peak of my trans identification I was SO cut off from my body. A big aspect of my reidentification was related to making peace with my body and really committing to living IN my body. This happened for me when I was in my early 30’s. I think it’s never too late and you’re never too old to develop the fundamental sense of who you are.

It might sound kinda woo woo but one of the things that helped me the most really was doing one of those awareness/visualization/progressive relaxation exercises and I used to do it daily. I had a 30 minute audio recording that I would put on at bedtime that just helps bring awareness to my body. Maybe it sounds cheesy but it really worked wonders for me. I think awareness and visualization can be incredibly powerful tools.

Make peace with your body, give it love, accept it radically and thank it for seeing you through your life’s journey. Most importantly, start to tune in and listen to the messages your body has for you. In this way you can heal the disconnect.