115

i need to vent somewhere and i'm absolutely petrified by the reactions i would get if i talked to anyone i know in real life, so here goes . . .

a guy i was friends with in high school recently added me to a private facebook group called "[name's] cute girl support team". he basically added fucking every girl and woman he's ever been mildly friendly with. the group has around a hundred people at this point. he came out as a "trans woman" in the group and entreated people not to tell others outside the group (imo it's heinously stupid to add dozens of people from your small hometown to a group whose existence you want to keep secret, but whatever).

the stated purpose of the group is as follows: "This group will act as my safe-space from scary boomers, future employers, irrational parents, and all the gross cis men who may start messaging again me if I post another dress pic, lmao. As well, this is where I will begin asking for support-- whether asking for handed-down clothing, someone to chat with when I may feel low, selfie compliments, reassurance (constantly), platonic cuddles, make-up tips, emergency girls-nites, etc. hehehe,," so basically he wants a harem of young women to provide free and personalized emotional labour for him 24/7. i feel too guilty to post screenshots, but it's a treasure-trove of yuck.

this is a guy who had a neckbeard all throughout high school and who constantly made girls (including myself) feel incredibly uncomfortable. earlier this year, i finally came out as a lesbian to my friends after years of self-harm and self-loathing and hardly received a word of support. meanwhile, half of the girls i know (who hated him in high school for being a total creep) are losing it over how ~brave and gorgeous~ he is. i'd rather stay closeted forever than receive that sort of attention for coming out, but that in itself indicates to me how performative and weird his entire thing is. actual gay people who have come out just wanna be respected and treated like normal humans, not treated like mentally-challenged deities. i was the only person in my extended group of friends who was nice to him when he still identified as a man, but now i know i'll get flack if i don't wholeheartedly buy into him as a fellow ~lesbian queen~. pisses me off.

anyway, sorry for the big rant and sorry if this isn't the right place to post this. i'm just so upset that i know i'll say something i regret if i don't vent somewhere. i hope it's not suspicious that i haven't posted screenshots; i know this reads like a total caricature of the worst of trans people, but i really do feel too guilty to post someone's private facebook posts on the internet.

i need to vent somewhere and i'm absolutely petrified by the reactions i would get if i talked to anyone i know in real life, so here goes . . . a guy i was friends with in high school recently added me to a private facebook group called "[name's] cute girl support team". he basically added fucking every girl and woman he's ever been mildly friendly with. the group has around a hundred people at this point. he came out as a "trans woman" in the group and entreated people not to tell others outside the group (imo it's heinously stupid to add dozens of people from your small hometown to a group whose existence you want to keep secret, but whatever). the stated purpose of the group is as follows: "This group will act as my safe-space from scary boomers, future employers, irrational parents, and all the gross cis men who may start messaging again me if I post another dress pic, lmao. As well, this is where I will begin asking for support-- whether asking for handed-down clothing, someone to chat with when I may feel low, selfie compliments, reassurance (constantly), platonic cuddles, make-up tips, emergency girls-nites, etc. hehehe,," so basically he wants a harem of young women to provide free and personalized emotional labour for him 24/7. i feel too guilty to post screenshots, but it's a treasure-trove of yuck. this is a guy who had a neckbeard all throughout high school and who constantly made girls (including myself) feel incredibly uncomfortable. earlier this year, i finally came out as a lesbian to my friends after years of self-harm and self-loathing and hardly received a word of support. meanwhile, half of the girls i know (who hated him in high school for being a total creep) are losing it over how ~brave and gorgeous~ he is. i'd rather stay closeted forever than receive that sort of attention for coming out, but that in itself indicates to me how performative and weird his entire thing is. actual gay people who have come out just wanna be respected and treated like normal humans, not treated like mentally-challenged deities. i was the only person in my extended group of friends who was nice to him when he still identified as a man, but now i know i'll get flack if i don't wholeheartedly buy into him as a fellow ~lesbian queen~. pisses me off. anyway, sorry for the big rant and sorry if this isn't the right place to post this. i'm just so upset that i know i'll say something i regret if i don't vent *somewhere*. i hope it's not suspicious that i haven't posted screenshots; i know this reads like a total caricature of the worst of trans people, but i really do feel too guilty to post someone's private facebook posts on the internet.

109 comments

[–] mycelium 95 points (+95|-0)

this is where I will begin asking for support

All they do is demand and take. Men fetishize female friendships so bad, they literally think it's all just a 90s coming of age movie they were denied as creepy teen boys.

[–] AmyHousewine 35 points (+35|-0)

Cuddles and constant reassurance, sigh. I have my insecure days where my friends do indeed provide reassurance, and the occasional hug. (Cuddles? Does anyone really cuddle their platonic friends? Not judging if you do, but that's not a thing in my world.)

If I sought out friends by asking for cuddles and constant reassurance, every sane woman and non-predatory man would run away screaming. You're basically asking for four am phone calls threatening suicide if you don't fix whatever drama they've just created for themselves, constantly.

[–] bumpyjerboa 7 points (+7|-0)

I've cuddled with male friends. They later asked for sex. We are no longer friends.

[–] NewMa 18 points (+19|-1) Edited

You are so right. They think Beaches and Steel Magnolias are documentaries.

Edit: Okay more like Clueless and ... idk, 10 things I hate about you, etc., but yeah, I get it. I just named female-led movies at first but it really is that youthfulness that they're after.

[–] Nasrin 15 points (+15|-0)

So on point. I wonder if they favor Heathers or Sixteen Candles for their basis.

[–] Riothamus 12 points (+12|-0)

Heathers is way too hardcore for TIMs who demand cuddles.

[–] phimoment 75 points (+75|-0)

Reading all of this made me stop my thought process for a few moments. The level of male entitlement described is just amazing. I can never imagine a woman forcefully gathering up 100 individuals and demanding free therapy and cuddles. what the FUCK.

I bet he knows how outrageous his actions are, but also knows that if any woman speaks out against it she is done for because of "transphobia". He knows he has a captive audience. These men are so sick.

[–] pennygadget 45 points (+45|-0)

An actual woman would be TORN APART for that level of attention-wh*ring. She'd be accused of fishing for sympathy (and rightly so). But its STUNNING & BRAVE when men do it!

[–] phimoment 22 points (+22|-0)

omg I did not even make this connection... you are so right. Women get shit on for making themselves apparent in any sense of the word. we are accused for being an attention ho when entering a male dominated hobby. accused for just existing. men are stunning and brave when they do it, as long as they are wearing a dress and a matching pink hairclip.

[–] pennygadget 22 points (+22|-0)

Oh gosh. You just reminded me of the "Fake Geek Girl" phenomenon and how girls were subjected to purity tests whenever they entered nerd spaces when I was a teenager. I'll bet TIMs never dealt with that!

[–] Nasrin 34 points (+34|-0)

I bet he knows how outrageous his actions are, but also knows that if any woman speaks out against it she is done for because of "transphobia".

Good point, he has the group on Facebook and is targeting women he knows which makes it much easier to "out" them if they disagree or push back especially since it's a small home town.

[–] phimoment 32 points (+32|-0)

I wouldn't be surprised if he is waiting for his chance to "out" a woman from that group. I would only expect as much from a man who herds a bunch of women together to serve him.

So many women have difficulty advocating for themselves when they need it. In contrast here is a male who has zero shame coercing 100 different women into meeting his fetish-based demands. The behavior is just so male and I hate that men are getting away with it.

[–] Medusa 21 points (+21|-0) Edited

I hope if he does that, they go balls to the wall and post screenshots of the convo so people can see for themselves what the situation was. I hope they're smart enough to get receipts before leaving the group chat. (OP, I highly recommend doing this yourself, in case you ever have to defend against claims of transphobia from this asshole.)

The vast majority of people would read that batshit entitled list of demands and go "Oh, fuck no. Yikes. 😬" That behavior crosses so many personal and social boundaries. It's a huge waving red flag.

[–] Nasrin 13 points (+13|-0)

That behavior crosses so many personal and social boundaries. It's a huge waving red flag.

Agreed, screenshot or use a screen grab to collect everything before leaving. Anyone who feels comfortable making demands for emotional and physical support from relative strangers is not stable.

[–] Riothamus 64 points (+65|-1) Edited

Start policing THE FUCK out of his body. Critique his looks and all of his clothing choices.

When he whines about it you can tell him women get unsolicited advice about their looks all the damn time and he should feel serious gender euphoria from how you're treating him as if he's a real woman.

[–] AmyHousewine 42 points (+42|-0)

God that's brilliant. "You really want to leave the house looking like that? I mean ... you could, but I wouldn't."

"That's such an interesting choice of outfit!"

"Sweetie your tightlining doesn't look good ... it can take some time to master eyeliner, but you look a bit like whispers Alice Cooper right now. You know how I learned how in high school? Spend an hour a night practicing. In a couple of months show me some pics and I'll give you more feedback, k?"

"Just because they DO make skirts in size 16 doesn't mean they SHOULD, kwim? How about these diet pills you can buy online? I'll send you the link. They're not completely legal, and they can have some nasty side effects, but all the girls use them."

Think of every horrific meangirl thing ever said to you, every negging remark as asshole pick up artist made, and pay it forward. Give him the authentic experience of womanhood.

[–] Nasrin 18 points (+18|-0)

I'm using this if I end up with a TiM in my orbit.

[–] MeNsTrUaToR27 27 points (+29|-2)

I second this. Drag him every fucking chance you get. Think of all the shit about your body that you've been made to feel bad for throughout your life as a woman, and unleash it on him

[–] pennygadget 20 points (+20|-0)

I second and third this!! He wants the real "lady experience"? Give it to him!

emergency girls-nites

This guy really has the script written in his head, huh? I wonder, as he ages, does his script ages with him? In 20 years, when he's a 40-something fat "girl" with receding hairline and beer belly, will he still ask for make-up tips, validation of selfies and emergency girls-nites?

[–] shewolfoffrance 41 points (+41|-0)

I'm sure that by then, he'll be rushing to get dinner on the table, shuttling the kids to and from activities in the minivan, and falling asleep by 10 pm.

You mean the kids he bore? Gosh, these men really have no long-term planning going on! Do they know how fast time flies! *Tempus fugit, * not *Tempus tardius ire. * And I'm guessing they're going to miss the best part of being a woman: when we are older, and wiser, and comfortable with our bodies and minds. When we don't care about male attention anymore, but have learned to unleash the fury of our wasted youth. I really even love the fury. But these men will be fabulous 🦄🦠🌈🌟🌈🌟🌈🦄, but oh, so fucking boring.

[–] shewolfoffrance 16 points (+16|-0)

Ha, I'm sure he could justify that narrative in his mind. I'm sure he already gets "periods." Perhaps he would claim a sympathetic pregnancy that was just as valid and actually a lot harder than cispregnancy.

[–] hmimperialtortie 27 points (+27|-0)

Funny how I immediately pictured Jonathan Yaniv then...

[–] Nasrin 15 points (+15|-0)

Thankfully this TiM hasn't asked for "period" advice and how to handle young girls needing a pad / tampon in the public restroom on the ferry...yet.

[–] hmimperialtortie 14 points (+14|-0)

Yet being the operative word ... are you thinking of getting out of that group? Are you still living anywhere you might run into this creep?

[–] pennygadget 15 points (+15|-0)

He legit thinks that slumber parties complete with makeovers & gossip is something women still do in adulthood. His vision of womanhood is 100% influenced by cliche movies and porn

[–] MeNsTrUaToR27 13 points (+13|-0)

Yes from girls 20 years younger than him. By that time the new will have worn off and hopefully women won't have time for their shit anymore

[–] Kevina 54 points (+54|-0)

Fuck that, leave the group. You don't owe him or any of these other people anything at all.

platonic cuddles

Sure bro. This is gaslighting and emotional manipulation at its finest.

[–] Nasrin 32 points (+32|-0) Edited

Yeah, that got me. Are women suddenly giving out platonic cuddles regularly? Why have I been excluded from this new extra touchy feely no boundaries womanhood?

ETA: Grammar.

[–] bellatrixbells 16 points (+16|-0)

The only person I ever got platonic cuddles from was a man. Am I abnormal !?? 😂😂

Wtf does he think women do with one another ???

[–] Nasrin 18 points (+18|-0)

It's okay, create a group and just add every woman you know to support your quest for platonic cuddles. That won't seem like the entitled actions of a man or anything...

Wtf does he think women do with one another ???

Emergency girl nite with platonic cuddles and make up tips!

Wtf does he think women do with one another ???

Whatever he's been seeing in porn.

[–] Kevina 9 points (+9|-0)

Why have I been excluded from this new extra touchy feely no boundaries womanhood?

Right? Like wtf is this shit?

I was trying to think about it and I think she could probably say something like "I'm not in a place right now to be helping you find whatever it is you're looking for, all the best" or something. Then I would peace on up out of there.

Why have I been excluded from this new extra touchy feely no boundaries womanhood?

Because you didn't set up your private Facebook group for cuddles.

[–] shewolfoffrance 53 points (+53|-0) Edited

So he just handed random women a list of tasks to do for him, including physical affection. And on the matter of "that" sort of attention--welcome to the Authentic Female Experience. Women can't even protect themselves from it, why are you now the priority?

[–] hellamomzilla 46 points (+46|-0)

I'm sorry. I'd just unfollow or unfriend. If he says anything, just say you're too busy to be a part of his support system.

I would never IN A MILLION YEARS do something so selfish and self-centered as starting a group JUST TO SUPPORT ME. What a self-absorbed twit.

[–] OatsNeckties 8 points (+8|-0)

If flying monkeys come after you simply say “She’s far too dramatic and emotional ” nothing transphobic about dismissing a fellow woman for taking up space, right?

[–] ramani 39 points (+39|-0)

Can you remove yourself from this “group”? It sounds crazy that someone’s just allowed to add people to groups like this without their permission!

[–] BlackMoonLilith 56 points (+56|-0)

Yeah I would leave.

I had a similar experience with a TIM who added a bunch of women to a group chat to "come out" and then he shared a gallery of duck-faced selfies. One of my friends instantly left the chat. Just the visual of the gallery of nasty photos followed by "Samantha left the chat" was hilarious.

[–] DietCokeAddict 17 points (+17|-0)

Good for Samantha! May all my friends be as fearless and done with this shit as Samantha is ❤️

[–] InvisibleWoman 25 points (+25|-0)

Yeah... Just imagine a woman you barely know but find slightly creepy added you to a group like this. Would you even think about it or would you just leave? You're not obligated to be anyone's friend and you 100% should not care about the opinions of people who support this weird ass behaviour. Remove the whole trans ideology from it and it's just plain weird and uncomfortable. It's like being passed a note that says "you are now my BFF, commence intimate friendship". You don't have to even be nice about it.

[–] pennygadget 14 points (+14|-0)

Yeah... Just imagine a woman you barely know but find slightly creepy added you to a group like this.

A real woman would be doxed, dragged, and mercilessly mocked for this level of shameless attention-wh*ring. Only a man could get away with this level of entitlement!

[–] MelMarieCurebee 37 points (+37|-0)

actual gay people who have come out just wanna be respected and treated like normal humans, not treated like mentally-challenged deities.

You have a way with words. Your entire experiences reads as authentic. Don't worry about the lack of screenshots.

[–] pennygadget 12 points (+12|-0)

Agreed. I'm tempted to use "mentally challenged dieties" in the future

[–] naiiad-bee 32 points (+32|-0)

The only thing i would recommend is to just absolutely not give in or validate his fantasies and abuse of women's emotional labour. if you want to just stay silent, do, but please don't give into the pressure and give him more fuel.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, it's absolutely disgusting and if I was in that group, lord knows i'd get into quite a lot of trouble (it'd absolutely be worth it, however...)

[–] ArmyofMe 30 points (+30|-0)

“Platonic cuddles”

I have never platonically cuddled a female friend in my life. Is this something that they think we do?

[–] NewMa 18 points (+18|-0)

They really do think it happens. Also I'm pretty sure it's how a LOT of the incest porns start, so he probably thinks it's a valid dating strategy.

[–] MsTig0 14 points (+14|-0)

Along with the (sexy) pillow fights at sleepovers.

[–] pennygadget 10 points (+11|-1)

They think we practice cuddling & kissing on each other at our slumber parties (which is totally a thing women still have when they're adults).

Load more (29 comments)