52

"Yesterday I had a conversation with my psy, where, in-between a lot of tears and a lot of frustration, I think I basically told her I'm trans.

That I don't know how I'm trans, or what trans I am or what's my gender. But that I'm not cis. And that I don't know how to handle all of this.

I very confused and I think a part of it is that I've always been privileged. I can question these things but I've also been able to live being and appearing as cis, without having to follow to many roles or gender stereotypes.

The truth is that I'm convinced that if I had known, from 12 years old (or even before) and up to 22 years old that I could be trans, I would have transitioned to a man without doubting it too much.

And I knew there were 'trans' out there, but I confused them too much. I had in my mind pictures of trans women , or even, of transvestite cis men. Trans men were completely invisibilized from my world. I guess if I had asked myself, I could have deduced they existed. But I didn't ask, and I never saw them.

Even movies and other stories that kind of reflected this for me, were never about trans men, but about butch lesbians. And I thought then that that should be my way in life. But if I had been honest with myself, before I was a lesbian, I was a little man.

Maybe not questioning myself then was also a privilege. The dysphoria was tolerable. The possibility of being a 'weird woman' existed in my social circle. There are people who don't even have that possibility.

There are those for whom, from age 12, not transitioning can be a death sentence. And transitioning can be, too. But for me it was always this 'background' sensation of something not being quite right.

Other things weren't either, so that wasn't the priority. Yesterday I told my psy that I was scared of telling her this after 4 years of knowing each other. I was scared that she would tell me that 'if this was real, you would have told me from the start'.

But she told me that no, that I couldn't have told her before, because there were more urgent things (for me) that we had to fix before we could talk about this subject, that I had always lived with in second plane.

And careful, because all these other subjects are equally ugly, from depression to abuse and other traumas; but I see the transphobia of this damned world, and I know of the great privilege that it was for me to be able to have this as a second-plane thing for the greatest part of my life.

Anyways. It's kind of weird that having known what I now know, many years ago, I would now be a man. Because the truth is that today I don't know what I am, or what I am going to do now that I know.

All through the years, and in part thanks to lesbian feminism I learned to accept myself as a woman. I remember a conversation with a lesbian friend when we were around 22 . "Now I have to learn how to love women BEING a woman". And I don't know how I didn't realize this earlier...

Before I read the transphobes, I believed their discourse. I thought all my life I had been a boy because of internalized misgoginy and I wasn't queer enough to break gender stereotypes. So I made myself do it, and in part, I was successful. Except here I am, at 27, crying to my therapist over zoom that " I think I'm trans and I feel that this complicates everything and I'm being absurd for even considering it".

I don't know what to do with this. I'm confused and terrified and the discourse contradicts the emotions. And I can go to the psy, and I know a great part of my circle is not only gonna tolerate this but accept it, and I could live 27 years with this in the second plane.

Meanwhile, most trans people, especially trans women, racialized trans, poor trans, non normative trans, are killed, stalked, humiliated. Damned ugly world. But the truth is, I really thank that there is visibility. Because while transphobes are destroying the world, the trans and their allies and the visibilization make it so that people like me can stand up in front of the mirror and say "So, what's up?".

Because even if I'm terrified and confused, because I have the privilege that I could be, for the rest of my life a She and tolerate it. The truth is that I was always going to have, in the second plane, a discomfort and a disconnect with the possibility of feeling and being "Me"."

[Picture of her with "men's" clothes and the obligatory 528152 comments of brave and strong and love]

"Yesterday I had a conversation with my psy, where, in-between a lot of tears and a lot of frustration, I think I basically told her I'm trans. That I don't know how I'm trans, or what trans I am or what's my gender. But that I'm not cis. And that I don't know how to handle all of this. I very confused and I think a part of it is that I've always been privileged. I can question these things but I've also been able to live being and appearing as cis, without having to follow to many roles or gender stereotypes. The truth is that I'm convinced that if I had known, from 12 years old (or even before) and up to 22 years old that *I could be* trans, I would have transitioned to a man without doubting it too much. And I knew there were 'trans' out there, but I confused them too much. I had in my mind pictures of trans women , or even, of transvestite cis men. Trans men were completely invisibilized from my world. I guess if I had asked myself, I could have deduced they existed. But I didn't ask, and I never saw them. Even movies and other stories that kind of reflected this for me, were never about trans men, but about butch lesbians. And I thought then that that should be my way in life. But if I had been honest with myself, before I was a lesbian, I was a little man. Maybe not questioning myself then was also a privilege. The dysphoria was tolerable. The possibility of being a 'weird woman' existed in my social circle. There are people who don't even have that possibility. There are those for whom, from age 12, not transitioning can be a death sentence. And transitioning can be, too. But for me it was always this 'background' sensation of something not being quite right. Other things weren't either, so that wasn't the priority. Yesterday I told my psy that I was scared of telling her this after 4 years of knowing each other. I was scared that she would tell me that 'if this was real, you would have told me from the start'. But she told me that no, that I couldn't have told her before, because there were more urgent things (for me) that we had to fix before we could talk about this subject, that I had always lived with in second plane. And careful, because all these other subjects are equally ugly, from depression to abuse and other traumas; but I see the transphobia of this damned world, and I know of the great privilege that it was for me to be able to have this as a second-plane thing for the greatest part of my life. Anyways. It's kind of weird that having known what I now know, many years ago, I would now be a man. Because the truth is that today I don't know what I am, or what I am going to do now that I know. All through the years, and in part thanks to lesbian feminism *I learned* to accept myself as a woman. I remember a conversation with a lesbian friend when we were around 22 . "Now I have to learn how to love women *BEING* a woman". And I don't know how I didn't realize this earlier... Before I read the transphobes, I believed their discourse. I thought all my life I had been a boy because of internalized misgoginy and I wasn't queer enough to break gender stereotypes. So I made myself do it, and in part, I was successful. Except here I am, at 27, crying to my therapist over zoom that " I think I'm trans and I feel that this complicates everything and I'm being absurd for even considering it". I don't know what to do with this. I'm confused and terrified and the discourse contradicts the emotions. And I can go to the psy, and I know a great part of my circle is not only gonna tolerate this but accept it, and I could live 27 years with this in the second plane. Meanwhile, most trans people, especially trans women, racialized trans, poor trans, non normative trans, are killed, stalked, humiliated. Damned ugly world. But the truth is, I really thank that there is visibility. Because while transphobes are destroying the world, the trans and their allies and the visibilization make it so that people like me can stand up in front of the mirror and say "So, what's up?". Because even if I'm terrified and confused, because I have the privilege that I could be, for the rest of my life a She and tolerate it. The truth is that I was always going to have, in the second plane, a discomfort and a disconnect with the possibility of feeling and being "Me"." [Picture of her with "men's" clothes and the obligatory 528152 comments of brave and strong and love]

36 comments

[–] hellamomzilla 32 points (+32|-0)

I'm sorry that your friend has been caught up in the trans cult. It sucks.

[–] EternaEspiral [OP] 11 points (+12|-1)

Yes, it sucks a lot. She was my only lesbian friend in highschool.

[–] XX_Power 6 points (+7|-1)

I always wonder where lesbians go from there. Do they date other TIFs? If they're lesbian, aren't they repulsed by the mastectomies and body hair? But I can't imagine them going for straight women... I am one, and as much as I'd love to be attracted to women, i couldn't ever date one, i need an organically grown penis. I think most straight women feel this way.

They probably find another lesbian or bi woman who has internalized homophobia too and will say that they are a heterosexual couple.

I'm guessing it's not hard to find one, as almost every homosexual or bisexual woman goes through a self hate phase, but some stay there forever.

"Organically grown penis!" LOL, I know exactly what you mean by that, but the phrasing is just lovely and hilarious! Also, I now have this image in my mind of us Heteros going to the organically grown food isle and picking out the penis we'd like for the day. Maybe next door there's an organically grown man store, where you can for the two together? But the personality store is obviously a delicatessen that only a few can afford.

[–] misty728 2 points (+2|-0)

I’m a detransitioner and it’s certainly not as hard as you would imagine to find partners. There are many liberal bisexuals out there in this day and age who will happily date a trans identified person. In fact, my dating pool exploded after I transitioned.

So tl;dr they date bi liberal women.

[–] lucrecia 30 points (+30|-0)

Before I read the transphobes, I believed their discourse.

???????

[–] EternaEspiral [OP] 28 points (+28|-0)

That she was a lesbian with internalized misgoginy, and that's apparently why she had to "learn" to live as a woman.

[–] EternaEspiral [OP] 28 points (+28|-0)

I did comment of my disappointment but it was probably already screenshoted and deleted.

I don't really use Facebook anymore and this kind of shit just makes me thankful for that decision.

There are SO. MANY. FUCKED UP. THINGS. in this fucking coming out text.

I'm sad.

[–] MelMarieCurebee 23 points (+23|-0)

Nobody should EVER believe something they came up with yesterday. Why is the psychologist aiding delusion? So wrong! This is malpractice.

[–] bellatrixbells 4 points (+4|-0)

To be fair I had an obsession regarding sexuality that I had never dared speak to anyone because it made me so ashamed. It lasted for over ten years. I finally mentioned it about a month and a half into rape therapy and everyone was like wtaf, why are you suddenly bringing that up ?

Therapists were smarter though and actually took a few seconds to go "wait, let's take this step by step". I'm not sure if this therapist is instantly enabling or if she knows that shutting it down will make her lose the option to help her patient.

[–] MelMarieCurebee 9 points (+9|-0)

I guess I wasn't clear with my comment. What I'm saying is that the person "came out as trans" a day after they started to explore the identity out loud. That's NUTS. That's delusional. I've spent literal years with beliefs about myself that went on to change. I know this, and good therapists know this. The therapist is malpracticing, I believe, because of how they seem to have never guided this person towards awareness of their delusional habits in 4 years of therapy. That seems pretty long to me. And I've known some delusional people with extremely deep trauma. None of them have needed 4 years of therapy to be exposed to their delusional parts.

[–] zuubat 16 points (+16|-0) Edited

Meanwhile, most trans people, especial trans women, racialized trans, poor trans, non normative trans, are killed, stalked, humiliated.

So reminiscent of statements like "One in three girls is molested before age ..." and "One in five women is raped at some time during her life ..."

Imagine for a moment if the people who pen and/or repeat such statements expressed them using active voice.

How?

[–] comradeconradical 21 points (+21|-0) Edited

Men rape one in three girls before age X, instead of 'girls are raped'

Men rape one in five women during her life, instead of 'women are raped'

That is, women are not actively victimized; men actively assault

[–] AmyHousewine 11 points (+11|-0)

Holy shit, I will never un-hear this. And that's a good thing. These man-excusing euphemisms are everywhere.

I read something similar: imagine if news coverage said "Ms. X reports that she was raped by Mr. Y. Mr. Y claims that he is (allegedly) innocent." It's no more biased than "Ms. X claims she was allegedly raped by Mr. Y. Mr. Y reports he did not assault her." But we're conditioned to the second. Every damn time.

Holy shit you're right, this bothers me SO much, why in the world to they keep blaming women for all these things when it's always MEN committing these crimes?!

[–] InvisibleWoman 8 points (+8|-0) Edited

This isn't a manifesto, it's a proclamation of faith.

There are those for whom, from age 12, not transitioning can be a death sentence. And transitioning can be, too. But for me it was always this 'background' sensation of something not being quite right.

And there was always another pair of footsteps next to mine in the sand.

But she told me that no, that I couldn't have told her before, because there were more urgent things (for me) that we had to fix before we could talk about this subject, that I had always lived with in second plane.And careful, because all these other subjects are equally ugly, from depression to abuse and other traumas; but I see the transphobia of this damned world, and I know of the great privilege that it was for me to be able to have this as a second-plane thing for the greatest part of my life.

Wow I'm so surprised you settled on a solvable problem to refocus your attention to. I wonder what happens when you realise it didn't fix all your problems. I wish someone close to her was actually honest and told her this. But of course, I know no one would tell me. Everybody in my family knows me as the "crazy one" who is always going to therapy. They just hope that a therapist would tell me the important stuff and just get on with it. But it's never like that, they can't fix you! You're just always you.

Because even if I'm terrified and confused, because I have the privilege that I could be, for the rest of my life a She and tolerate it. The truth is that I was always going to have, in the second plane, a discomfort and a disconnect with the possibility of feeling and being "Me"."

Yeah, I would also like to be seen as a complete person, because I know I am one. So is everyone. This is pure religious belief... That if you suffer for it, you will deserve it. Unhealthy nonsense!

Absolutely tragic that this is the only way she thinks she can express her personhood.

Absolutely tragic that this is the only way she thinks she can express her personhood.

Yes, and yet she claims it doesn't come from a place of 'internalized misogyny', in a world where women are seen as vapid supporting characters to the masculine ideal hero of his own story.

How does it not???

[–] InvisibleWoman 5 points (+5|-0)

And she also expresses not knowing how to love women as a woman. She only knows to do that "as a man". That part really saddened me...

It is sad, and tragic. And I did tell her stuff but she immediately delete it and I don't even know if she read it. I hope she did.

It says a lot about what she thinks "woman" is.

And yeah, it definitely is a declaration of faith. :(

[–] InvisibleWoman 2 points (+2|-0)

That's really sad. It's unfortunate because ahe won't listen even to those closest to her, and everyone else will get pushed out for not supporting her decision.

[–] nemesis 4 points (+4|-0)

But if I had been honest with myself, before I was a lesbian, I was a little man.

Oh?

[–] ladybrainhaver 4 points (+4|-0)

I've seen several messages very similar to this posted by friends of mine over the past few years. It sucks, I'm sorry.

This is also why it sucks so much, it almost reads as a copy and paste, they are all so similar and think their experience is so unique.

Yikes. That’s a lot of self-gaslighting. How can a lesbian claim she has “privilege” over others in society? It’s just not true. It would be great if lesbians didn’t face rampant discrimination yet they do and I don’t know how this poor woman has been gaslit into believing they don’t.

[–] naiiad-bee 3 points (+3|-0)

i see so many women now proclaiming and self-flaggelating over their "privilege"

misogyny has become totally and utterly accepted, even to the "activists" and "social justice" heroes.

they literally dont even register that women as a whole experience the oldest, most intense, and most ingrained state of oppression.

THAT is whats most sad to me. all of this is internalized misogyny and women-hate.