"Yesterday I had a conversation with my psy, where, in-between a lot of tears and a lot of frustration, I think I basically told her I'm trans.
That I don't know how I'm trans, or what trans I am or what's my gender. But that I'm not cis. And that I don't know how to handle all of this.
I very confused and I think a part of it is that I've always been privileged. I can question these things but I've also been able to live being and appearing as cis, without having to follow to many roles or gender stereotypes.
The truth is that I'm convinced that if I had known, from 12 years old (or even before) and up to 22 years old that I could be trans, I would have transitioned to a man without doubting it too much.
And I knew there were 'trans' out there, but I confused them too much. I had in my mind pictures of trans women , or even, of transvestite cis men. Trans men were completely invisibilized from my world. I guess if I had asked myself, I could have deduced they existed. But I didn't ask, and I never saw them.
Even movies and other stories that kind of reflected this for me, were never about trans men, but about butch lesbians. And I thought then that that should be my way in life. But if I had been honest with myself, before I was a lesbian, I was a little man.
Maybe not questioning myself then was also a privilege. The dysphoria was tolerable. The possibility of being a 'weird woman' existed in my social circle. There are people who don't even have that possibility.
There are those for whom, from age 12, not transitioning can be a death sentence. And transitioning can be, too. But for me it was always this 'background' sensation of something not being quite right.
Other things weren't either, so that wasn't the priority. Yesterday I told my psy that I was scared of telling her this after 4 years of knowing each other. I was scared that she would tell me that 'if this was real, you would have told me from the start'.
But she told me that no, that I couldn't have told her before, because there were more urgent things (for me) that we had to fix before we could talk about this subject, that I had always lived with in second plane.
And careful, because all these other subjects are equally ugly, from depression to abuse and other traumas; but I see the transphobia of this damned world, and I know of the great privilege that it was for me to be able to have this as a second-plane thing for the greatest part of my life.
Anyways. It's kind of weird that having known what I now know, many years ago, I would now be a man. Because the truth is that today I don't know what I am, or what I am going to do now that I know.
All through the years, and in part thanks to lesbian feminism I learned to accept myself as a woman. I remember a conversation with a lesbian friend when we were around 22 . "Now I have to learn how to love women BEING a woman". And I don't know how I didn't realize this earlier...
Before I read the transphobes, I believed their discourse. I thought all my life I had been a boy because of internalized misgoginy and I wasn't queer enough to break gender stereotypes. So I made myself do it, and in part, I was successful. Except here I am, at 27, crying to my therapist over zoom that " I think I'm trans and I feel that this complicates everything and I'm being absurd for even considering it".
I don't know what to do with this. I'm confused and terrified and the discourse contradicts the emotions. And I can go to the psy, and I know a great part of my circle is not only gonna tolerate this but accept it, and I could live 27 years with this in the second plane.
Meanwhile, most trans people, especially trans women, racialized trans, poor trans, non normative trans, are killed, stalked, humiliated. Damned ugly world. But the truth is, I really thank that there is visibility. Because while transphobes are destroying the world, the trans and their allies and the visibilization make it so that people like me can stand up in front of the mirror and say "So, what's up?".
Because even if I'm terrified and confused, because I have the privilege that I could be, for the rest of my life a She and tolerate it. The truth is that I was always going to have, in the second plane, a discomfort and a disconnect with the possibility of feeling and being "Me"."
[Picture of her with "men's" clothes and the obligatory 528152 comments of brave and strong and love]