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This is an angry rant mostly about a second hand story.

A friend of mine ended up at a gay bar where she was talking to two (presumably) gay men, she told them she was bisexual (not true, but she’s off her meds and all over the place at the moment and had, at the time, wandered off on her own)

Anyway, these two men started pressuring her “don’t call yourself Bi, just say queer” - this was not just an offhand comment, they kept trying to get her to say it, apparently they were fairly forceful in a kind of fake-jokey way.

Now, I am bisexual and fucking HATE the word “queer” if they’d tried that shit on me I would’ve feigned stupidity and asked them why they felt the need to dictate how someone defines their sexuality. I don’t consider myself part of the rainbow community or anything and steer clear of pride and gay bars/clubs but it’s puzzling to know that some LGB’s happily refer to themselves as “queer” which has no real meaning...

I’m only 26 but when I was growing up “queer” was a rude, slightly old fashioned way to insult a homosexual person. Now it’s just a catch all term for...what? Fuck knows...

When this (very annoying) woman (who is in her early 40’s and refers to herself as “cishet” 🙄🙄) I know discovered I was dating a woman a year or so ago, she felt the need to tell me she didn't realise I was “queer” ... 😐

I just feel so angry about all the LGB’s who have had that stupid word flung at them in the past only for young “progressive” largely straight people to hijack it.

Why can’t these idiots just leave normal LGB’s alone? Especially Lesbians, who seem to get the very worst of it. The TQ really do disgust me :/

Apologies for yet another rant...it’s nice to have somewhere to vent :)

This is an angry rant mostly about a second hand story. A friend of mine ended up at a gay bar where she was talking to two (presumably) gay men, she told them she was bisexual (not true, but she’s off her meds and all over the place at the moment and had, at the time, wandered off on her own) Anyway, these two men started pressuring her “don’t call yourself Bi, just say queer” - this was not just an offhand comment, they kept trying to get her to say it, apparently they were fairly forceful in a kind of fake-jokey way. Now, I am bisexual and fucking HATE the word “queer” if they’d tried that shit on me I would’ve feigned stupidity and asked them why they felt the need to dictate how someone defines their sexuality. I don’t consider myself part of the rainbow community or anything and steer clear of pride and gay bars/clubs but it’s puzzling to know that some LGB’s happily refer to themselves as “queer” which has no real meaning... I’m only 26 but when I was growing up “queer” was a rude, slightly old fashioned way to insult a homosexual person. Now it’s just a catch all term for...what? Fuck knows... When this (very annoying) woman (who is in her early 40’s and refers to herself as “cishet” 🙄🙄) I know discovered I was dating a woman a year or so ago, she felt the need to tell me she didn't realise I was “queer” ... 😐 I just feel so angry about all the LGB’s who have had that stupid word flung at them in the past only for young “progressive” largely straight people to hijack it. Why can’t these idiots just leave normal LGB’s alone? Especially Lesbians, who seem to get the very worst of it. The TQ really do disgust me :/ Apologies for yet another rant...it’s nice to have somewhere to vent :)

37 comments

[–] Hera 51 points Edited

I detest the word queer to my core and if anyone calls me it, I make extra sure to remind them that to many of us it is still a slur.

Queer theory has it's roots in legalizing pedophilia, and has caused me to experience heinous sexual harassment from men calling themselves "lesbians" that it makes the conservatives I dealt with in the late 00s and early 2010s seem like harmless pranksters. I want none of that.

I can’t believe how blatant the homophobia is now - that hideous new pride flag everywhere when the TQ literally disregards same sex attraction - makes me so uncomfortable.

And the audacity of those men! I’m a same sex attracted female but would never dream of invading a lesbian only group/space/club and yet these hulking, bepenised males feel entitled to colonise, bully and harass lesbian women. When will men get it through their thick skulls that lesbians don’t want them. Ever.

[–] Hera 25 points

I wish I was kidding when I say that 60% of individuals "liking" my profile on HER were all men. The rest were poly folks and couples looking for a third (gags and vomits), and maybe about 5% were actual monogamous women that I sadly didn't click with. I also almost ended up on a date with a man who was a pro photographer, so his photos on HER looked great and very not male. Good thing his candid photos and vids on tiktok told a different story.

That's when I gave up, I'd rather be single than deal with this.

One woman I was dating was actually married to a man, which was upsetting as I really liked her until I found that out...Once I found that out she kept trying to get me to join them for a threesome - I felt really lied to and gross.

On the flip side, men take your bisexuality to mean you’ll find a girl to join you in a threesome...I had to explain to one man that even if I was up for that I wasn’t going on female dating sites to mislead other women looking for monogamous female relationships...I swear men just don’t respect female relationships at all :/

It’s blatant to anyone who knows what homosexual and homophobic mean.

It’s not at all blatant from the pov of school children who are getting gas lit and groomed in schools.

Which is, of course, the point of queer theory……

[–] DonnaFemina 8 points Edited

"And the audacity of those men!"

Yes! To tell someone else what to call herself is obnoxious, no matter what term you're suggesting. "I'm bi" -- "Don't you mean you're a lesbian really? Or shouldn't you say gender inclusive? Or..."

...it doesn't matter what word they suggest. The mere fact of suggesting that someone else doesn't have the right to choose which of various accurate names for their demographic group they want to use -- that is so obnoxious!!!

That's part of why I refuse to call myself "cis." I don't identify as cis. I don't care if it's "technically accurate" because nobody asked women if we wanted to start calling ourselves "cis women." It's also technically accurate to call me "Caucasoid" or "possessed of a vulva," but those are not terms I identify with, thanks. Can you imagine if white people told Black people "here's a word, and it's what we're going to call you now"?! WTF?

It's so obnoxious to tell us we have to call ourselves something that we didn't make up ourselves and didn't ask for.

And we don't need a special word to distinguish us from trans women -- the word "women" suffices, thanks.

Ikr, I HATE the word “cis” more than any other word I can think of rn. I’m not downgrading myself and other women to a subset of our own sex class just to appease jealous, seething men who hate us cos they ain’t us.

When people call me queer I say it's a slur. And if they say they're queer and reclaiming it, I tell them that's gross. Fuck spicy straights.

Even if an individual reclaims a slur, that doesn't mean non members of that group can use it. But the NY Times will publish headlines with the word q---r in it. Imagine doing that with literally any other reclaimed slur

[–] Artistlee19 Chickadee7 11 points

Queer just automatically means "spicy straight" to me at this point with millennials and gen z. It is a way for heterosexuals with blue hair and no boundaries to strong-arm their way into LGB spaces by saying "I'm one of you respect me bigot!"

I've decided that this year's Pride is going to be my last unless things take a major turn in the future. Pride this year was definitely a bad experience for me and made me decide to distance myself from the TQABCDIDGAFFML community. The narcissism and self-indulgence of these people are astounding...

Another bi here ! I’m 23 and still remember queer being an insult too , it still rubs me the wrong way when people (usually spicy straights) use queer casually. As they’ve never had it been used against them before I guess. I catch myself being offended by the term a lot as to me it’s still an insult.

It’s scary how much has changed in our lifetimes - it was like genuine progress was made in LGB acceptance but only for a tiny window of time, now men are being encouraged to violate lesbians, straights are “reclaiming” slurs that they’ve never had thrown at them.

Even when I was in high school I can remember the one lesbian couple being relentlessly tormented by bullies (seeing that as a young Bisexual girl was terrifying) I was so afraid of being outed.

Then, for like, a few years, it was uncool to be homophobic...and now, words just fail me 😕

I went to an all girls school and the lesbophobia was RAMPANT , I’m bisexual but I have a heavy preference for women, someone found out at my school, the word spread and I got excluded and bullied for my sexuality. That was in 2014 when the trans ideology started to become mainstream . They were all for gay rights and trans rights at my school but lesbians were considered weird and unnatural 😐 which I found to be a huge double standard tbh . Like let’s not pretend homophobia doesn’t still exist and I doubt reclaiming the word “queer” is going to solve it, if anything homophobes will just use the word without any repercussions now.

It's weird too because I feel female same-sex attraction is celebrated much more in media these days. If you have a token homsexual couple they'll be women. Female characters are the ones who "explore" with unexpected new gay feelings. Of course all of these women have long hair and makeup too.

[–] Mintie 3 points Edited

It would be as if the N word was reclaimed and people started to use it casually to refer to Black people and the Black community.

In fact, you could use this as an example. "Since you're saying queer has been reclaimed, and it's clear everyone can use it, would you say the same for the N word, which has also been reclaimed by some members of the Black community?"

Edit: There's a reason why words can never truly be reclaimed. If people have been hurt by them historically and they've been used against people to degrade, insult and oppress them, it should never be used to describe them as a group by basically everyone else.

[+] [Deleted] 2 points
[–] Taxidermy 11 points Edited

I've always jokingly called myself Non-Denominational because I feel uncomfortable saying I'm "attracted" to anyone. People like this now refer to themselves as Demisexual.

Love your rant. I’m another bi-not-queer. I will not use that term for myself, and I reject the label when others casually use it to refer to “us” as a group. It’s so utterly meaningless now, on top of being an old-school slur. Incredibly tired of spicy-straight “queers” speaking for me.

Thankyou! I just love Ovarit for this reason - my friends are all straight libfems so I often feel like tearing my hair out (because they’re libfems, not cos they’re straight haha)

To add to the rant, I hate how people assume we’d date TIP’s...hell would freeze over before I’d go near a TIM especially. I’m attracted to some men and some women. Not delusional, surgically modified facsimiles of the opposite sex 😒

"I’m attracted to some men and some women. Not delusional, surgically modified facsimiles of the opposite sex"

Yeah, I'm turned off by plastic surgery and major body mod in general (including non-surgical body mod such as extreme weight lifting). I don't care if you're trying to look like the opposite sex, another species (who was that dude that got surgery to look like a cheetah or something?), a sex doll, a he-man, or whatever else.

It looks weird and to me it suggests mental-health or self-confidence issues, which I just don't find attractive.

Same. I don’t find fake breasts attractive on women so certainly don’t on men 🤮 same with any cosmetic surgery tbh. That’s just my personal preference.

When people say a TIM is “best of both worlds” I feel physically ill, like, how is a terrifying and delusional man better than a natural and healthy woman... just because he has a penis? Nah, that’s not a “chick with a dick” it’s a whole disgusting fetishist MAN and I’d much rather have a partner of either sex who doesn’t live in fantasy land.

[–] BlueToyotaTacoma Student Poster 6 points

I don’t see why the word “queer” is considered less offensive than other slurs. Like, why is one word celebrated but others aren’t? And I don’t feel like “queer” has really been reclaimed because everybody uses it for themselves to feel special and it has lost its meaning.

[–] LonelyKindred Based Tomboy 3 points

Weirdest experience I've had was someone calling me that word because of the way I type. They didn't know anything about me, just assumed because I keysmash.

That's such a standard Tumblr way to type, what a weird connection for them to make lol

[–] LonelyKindred Based Tomboy 2 points

I don't even use tumblr, I just think it's funny! This happened on Discord of all places.

All the same sex attracted people I know use it now including people over 50. Gay men seem more likely to use "gay". But it truly does seem to have become the accepted umbrella term.

Those guys were being assholes to your friend.

They were being assholes. I wouldn’t have put up with it tbh, not with them trying to dictate which words other people use and not with them treating my friend that way :/

[–] DonnaFemina -3 points Edited

The word doesn't bother me in the slightest because everyone I knew in the LGB community reclaimed it before I even knew it was an insult. I remember demonstrations of gay people chanting "We're here, we're queer, get used to it" in the early/mid 1990s at the latest, maybe even the 80s.

But I'm happy not to use it if it bothers anyone.

The "we're here, we're queer, get used to it" chant was popularized as a response to homophobes of the 80s and 90s chanting "No tears for queers" when gay men were dying of AIDS. That slur was never reclaimed, just thrown back in the faces of hateful people.

Just because LGB people use the word does not make it less of a slur. As much as I despise the word dyke, plenty of lesbians use it. But unlike queer, it is still treated as a slur coming out of the mouths of heterosexuals.

I grew up in the supposedly progressive SF Bay Area during the early 2000s and queer was used right alongside dyke and fag. Kids even played smear the queer. That word was and still is used to brand same sex attracted people as weird freaks. I've only grown to hate it more now that so many people claim it has been reclaimed and straight people now use it with impunity, pretending like it's the more inclusive term.

I think it bothers me because it hasn’t no definitive meaning - straight/lesbian/gay/bisexual all have clear meanings, “queer” just seems pointless and wishy washy to me 🤷🏻‍♀️