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Hi all,

Another story, so for context, I have support workers due to my disability & one of them was taking leave so another support worker was scheduled for that shift.

This support worker going on leave, a man, told me that the person taking over the shift is non binary. It was amusing as he said ‘she uses they/them pronouns’ all confused & didn’t get it at all. It was nice to see the man use sex based pronouns (until he ‘corrected’ himself). I was thinking ‘so you acknowledge that pronouns are sex based & gender is stereotypes’ but didn’t say anything.

The day came & I met the TIF. Before meeting her, we called & it did not sound like a woman’s voice so I thought maybe she was a man then I met her & she was clearly a woman. The uncanny valley of a man-like voice coming out of woman really stressed me out. It seemed like she had/is using testosterone & possibly had a mastectomy. We made small talk & she said she’s studying psychology, which concerns me. Though it’s sad, seeing her made me feel so lucky I never went down that path in my very brief non binary period (I was a teenager & luckily it didn’t last long, plus I didn’t tell anyone)

Obviously, I can’t say any of this to the support agency because they’re inclusive & I need the support.

Thank you for reading!

Edit: I just realised that the agency never told me anything about her or she was only really briefly mentioned. The regular male support worker told me most of the info, I guess they told him to tell me?

Hi all, Another story, so for context, I have support workers due to my disability & one of them was taking leave so another support worker was scheduled for that shift. This support worker going on leave, a man, told me that the person taking over the shift is non binary. It was amusing as he said ‘she uses they/them pronouns’ all confused & didn’t get it at all. It was nice to see the man use sex based pronouns (until he ‘corrected’ himself). I was thinking ‘so you acknowledge that pronouns are sex based & gender is stereotypes’ but didn’t say anything. The day came & I met the TIF. Before meeting her, we called & it did not sound like a woman’s voice so I thought maybe she was a man then I met her & she was clearly a woman. The uncanny valley of a man-like voice coming out of woman really stressed me out. It seemed like she had/is using testosterone & possibly had a mastectomy. We made small talk & she said she’s studying psychology, which concerns me. Though it’s sad, seeing her made me feel so lucky I never went down that path in my very brief non binary period (I was a teenager & luckily it didn’t last long, plus I didn’t tell anyone) Obviously, I can’t say any of this to the support agency because they’re inclusive & I need the support. Thank you for reading! Edit: I just realised that the agency never told me anything about her or she was only really briefly mentioned. The regular male support worker told me most of the info, I guess they told him to tell me?

38 comments

I wouldn't be surprised if she specifically picked this job to bully vulnerable people.

I'm angry that a care agency cares more about validating their staff than safeguarding their clients.

Ditto. The patients should be paramount in these situations. They shouldn't have to fear losing support because they "misgendered" some narcissist with made up fantasy pronouns. Not to mention how unfair it is for people suffering mental disabilities that impair their ability to keep up with gender shit

I work arranging support and support workers for people with physical and mental health difficulties and we have TIPs on our books - please go back to the agency and ask for female support workers only - if you get asked for a reason , say “trauma” or something vague. They’ll have to capitulate. Ironically we’ve had some TIFs cheat themselves out of work because if someone requests female only , we don’t assign them

[–] Itzpapalotl 38 points Edited

WTF. I have support workers too for mental health reasons - their job is to support people with physical and mental disabilities/illnesses not to make said people participate in their narcissistic fantasies.

The nerve of this woman to expect you to alter your language and behaviour to appease her delusion...it’s ridiculous. Her job is to help you, not your job to nurture her special gender identity.

I hate how all this gender stuff makes me feel crazy, like I’m misunderstanding something because it makes no sense at all...as someone who hasn’t always had the firmest grasp on reality it just really sucks to be made to question yourself. The gaslighting of it all is exhausting.

It's exactly like being forced to adhere to a religion when you're an atheist

It really is! I’m not going to pretend to be religious for anybody and I’m not gonna pretend I believe in gender either.

[–] friedparata 1 points Edited

as an ex muslim atheist, I can confirm this. It's exactly the same. right down to banishment and witch hunts if you question the ideology or refuse to indulge in it publicly.

well, I'd say my situation in particular is a bit more intense, since leaving islam is punishable by death in Sharia law.

None of that’s on you though, if your the one receiving care the staff should be altering themselves to you not the other way around.

Every care job I’ve ever had has started with “yeah so you might get insulted, service users can be racist, homophobic or sexist, it’s not uncommon to be sexually or physically assaulted, make sure you report it so that their careplans can be altered if need be”.

All of those things have happened to me or I’ve been present for, you don’t start arguing with service users and correcting them, you just brush it off or call for help - if someone is prone to physical aggression it’s usually already known and there are more people who go in to deal with that person. You don’t get to tell off vulnerable people. Honestly! The amount of racist shit I’ve heard spewed at my coworkers and they’ve responded “oh, that’s not very nice, did you enjoy your visit from your family today?” Whilst getting on with things but they expect service users to pander to gender delusions!?

The inmates are truly running the asylum.

I mean, I certainly don’t think support workers should be subject to racist/sexist/homophobic abuse (I’d hope that if someone was flagged as a sexist for example, they would not send a female worker) You’re totally right that support workers/care staff/nurses put up with all sorts of abuse and mostly just deal with it. You can’t do that kind of work and have thin skin (and who has thinner skin than the gender specials 🙄)

I just don’t think someone who is in denial of reality should be working with vulnerable people. This lady is pretending she isn’t a lady and expecting everyone, even service users, to go along with that... I think that’s so unfair.

I can’t even believe these people are allowed to state such obvious untruths, then change policies and laws to uphold these untruths...it’s like a bizarre nightmare :(

I certainly don’t think support workers should be subject to racist/sexist/homophobic abuse (I’d hope that if someone was flagged as a sexist for example, they would not send a female worker) You’re totally right that support workers/care staff/nurses put up with all sorts of abuse and mostly just deal with it.

It depends on the individual service user. One patient in a hospital pinned the healthcare worker to the bathroom door and tried to sexually assult her, she managed to get free and from that point they tried to make sure he either only had male staff or, because there are far less men in healthcare, two women together and the doors couldn’t be shut. You couldn’t see into his bathroom from the corridor but it meant he couldn’t pin anyone again. If they’re just saying something sexist/racist/homophobic as sad as it is you just get over it. Your not allowed to hit back and your taught de escalation techniques, mental health staff will tell you to always know your exist points - i always tell people now don’t stand with your back to a closed door, stand with your back to the wall so you can open the door if you need to. For most women in healthcare their voice is their most powerful tool, you can’t physically overpower a man but you can talk your way out of a situation or raising/ lowering your tone. The biggest compliment I’ve ever received was from a former boxer/MMA fighter, he was a huge guy but ended up physically disabled and could be really combative, i basically barked at him like a drill Sargent. I looked after him for months and I left the room one day to get something, he was with a young male coworker and he said to the young lad, “of all the blokes I’ve fought the only person I’d never get in the ring with is that woman”. I was told about that afterwards, I’m not sure if it was meant as an insult but I took it as a compliment.

Sometimes patients will have dementia or other emotional regulation issues as a result of aging, health or disease and say things they would never have said when they were younger or healthier. I believe that's covered in training, wouldn't it? It was when I was a health aid back in the day.

My support workers are also for mental health reasons & autism. Since I was talking to her, I never had to refer to her in third person (until making this post). It feels even more insulting (is that mean? I’m sorry) because I come from a biology background & one of my major interests is genetics.

Like you, I already question & second guess myself. I think I spent the whole session trying to figure out & understand what was going on then re-check in case my mind was playing tricks on me.

Nobody talks about how difficult being GC can be for your mental health, especially if you are already unwell mentally.

Like, they’re telling us to just accept that there is literally no difference between our bodies and a male body - it’s absurd and demonstrably, scientifically false. Disagreeing with them gets you branded a right wing fascist bigot, evil, literally Hitler...it’s hard not to internalise that when you already struggle with self perception and how you fit into society.

I feel so angry. Nobody celebrates the delusions of people like us; the anorexics/schizophrenics/manic depressives etc ... rightly so, but calling out the harmful, misogynistic delusions of others brings on a tirade of abuse.

Being a “TERF” is alienating/frightening/stressful for even the most stable and healthy individuals.

Saying that, I KNOW we are the ones on the right side, we are the ones speaking up for women and children and LGB. I will not be gaslit into accepting things that are physically impossible. Human beings cannot change sex. We are sexually dimorphic. I will never call a man a woman.

And for people who grew up having to lie to the world and to themselves (“he’s a good father, we’re all happy at home” etc) it feels like even more of a violation to be forced to lie about a man being a woman.

Thank you, I never even thought about this but you're so right. Nobody talks about how taxing it can be.

Sometimes I wish I never knew any of it bc ignorance is bliss. Sometimes the misogyny and bullshit of the world is overwhelming

[–] vulvapeople 2 points Edited

I see what you mean, but I actually think being a trans ally is far, far worse.

TRAs police and abuse their allies relentlessly, and many allies, especially young women, are desperate to please and will internalize that abuse. This is why I think letting go of all the polite fictions surrounding trans identity is so important, and freeing. No more lies. No more bullshit. No more self-policing. No more apologizing when you're the one who's been abused. No more self-humiliation when you look out for the "gender identity" of a fucking serial rapist. No more acting like a spineless idiot.

Being GC is a path to better mental health; being a TRA is a path to worse mental health.

[–] Hera 30 points

I'm glad you have the strength to laugh about the matter.

This line tho made me really sad:

I can’t say any of this to the support agency because they’re inclusive & I need the support.

Putting the lunacy of make believe shit before the comfort and safety of the disabled people they are caring for is pretty shameful.

[–] hmimperialtortie AGP = evil 24 points

And putting the wilfully mentally fucked in a position to potentially harm the disabled, elderly etc is criminal.

And being “inclusive” about their staff while excluding their clients, who are vulnerable and whose needs they exist to attend to and advocate for … disgusting.

I don’t really feel like I have a choice in who I get as support workers. I have always preferred women but I seem to mostly get men, especially on short notice when the regular supports are away/sick/etc.

[–] Medusa91 14 points Edited

Are you not allowed to request female only support workers?

Everywhere I’ve ever worked has had a clause about female service users always needing a female staff member present for any personal care. Some of the ladies were women only but the ones who wernt had to have at least one woman present.

You shouldn’t have to give a reason for it either it’s your right to request that. Disabled people are at a really high risk of being assaulted

It does mean they could potentially send you a TIM in the future under the woke fuckery

I did request that in the beginning but I think they couldn’t find many women so they asked if men were okay too & I said yes so now I have one man & one woman who are my regular support workers.

I would switch agencies immediately. I already want to, just trying to work out the logistics & I’m always tired so it feels like it’s easier to stay with this agency.

And the worst part is that most ppl are just going along with it bc they think they're being nice and inclusive and progressive. Most ppl don't even know sex offender men are being housed with women in jail and raping and impregnating them and kids are getting fucking gender bread books read to them and being rendered sterile

Ugh

I hope she was able to give you the help you needed, regardless. Do you know if you have to deal with her again?

It was amusing as he said ‘she uses they/them pronouns’ all confused & didn’t get it at all.

I have a similar story: a colleague who works with a TIM was explaining (without me asking) why she respected his pronouns: “It’s really important to him that I treat him as a woman.”

Increasingly, I think nobody actually believes this. Even the allies - and I’ve seen her scold others for “misgendering” - don’t really think it’s true, they just think it’s rude not to lie.

[–] hmimperialtortie AGP = evil 21 points

Studying psychology! Talk about “physician, heal thyself.”

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My mother has support workers and I live in dread of some TIM or enby loser being sent to shower her. I think the agency would have more sense than that, and I’ve never seen any TIMs around here, but it’s a frightening thought. At least I could ban him from the house on the grounds of being unsafe near my cats.

Yeah, I thought that too.

Luckily, my brother with higher needs also has support workers though he only has men & his agency is really good so I don’t think he’ll get a TIM or a TIF.

[–] hmimperialtortie AGP = evil 6 points

Mum’s agency is good too, but they’re having chronic staffing problems at the moment and they pay well, so it’s possible they’ll take on one of these tossers. I just hope they don’t. I can well imagine a host of complaints about a TIP support worker. One wouldn’t even have to say why, just “they’re not suitable”.

I feel like they should have to clear that with the client before sending a tim or tif

I wouldn't want a crazy fundamentalist zealot as a caretaker so why would I want someone who is deep into the Church Of Gender

I hope this “inclusive” agency isn’t a care agency that does intimate care!

I gather from context that you aren’t in that position, and that you’re fine with having a male support worker, so at least you are safe from that horror. Though it’s still not good to have a support worker who’s triggering stress in you, so do look after yourself and come on here to vent if you need to!

They do, I just checked the website.

I’m not normally stressed by a support worker, the only other time was when a man (a different one to the regular) was on his phone outside the shops the whole time instead of helping me do my groceries.

I'm so glad you've had a mostly good experience with them! I know it can be tough,I remember a loved one had a caretaker at home and she always felt bad saying anything or complaining about anything. That female socialization!