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My boyfriend had a work function recently and I tagged along. Thought I'd clean myself up for once, and wore a nice classy black dress. He had just finished giving a small speech, as he's in a leadership position. He walked to the back of the room where I was standing with a small crowd of people and gave me a peck on the lips and we started chit chatting. And then...... it happened....

Out of the corner of my eye, I get that sensation that I'm being watched. I glance in that direction and catch a TIM staring at me. We live in a liberal area, and my boyfriend is in a liberal industry. Thus, there were many TIMs of all shapes and sizes at this event. This particular one I actually didn't initially recognize as a gender anything when I first noticed him (before he started staring). I first just thought he was a large, heavy set man with greasy blue hair and that was it. Upon glancing in his direction again, I realized they were trying to be a TIM.

So here's how it went down. I give them that initial glance of "I caught you staring." Did that deter our TIM in the slightest? Not a chance. Rock solid, unwavering, laser focused eyes locked on me like a fighter jet's targeting system. So then I give a sort of double glance. You know what I'm talking about? The ol' "Are you staring? Yes, you ARE staring." This TIM was unshakable. An impregnable bulwark (pun intended). We were fencing for an Olympic gold medal and I was getting shredded to pieces. I had one final tactic. After another minute I give the double take glance again, but this time added in a half second frown at the end. Surely our TIM will pick up on this signal, and recognize how uncomfortable they're making me. Surely this is my coup de grace.

I stood defeated on the battlefield. Our TIM, the victor in this battle of wits. His eyes... they must have been granted +5 piercing by some mystical amulet. They seemed to sear through my very soul. I never stood a chance. After a full five minutes of being showered by his squinty gaze, his friends started to leave and had to tug at him, saying "c'mon, let's go." And just like that, I was freed from his attention by his allies, bless them.

Ok, so I almost marked this as a humor post. But this really did play out pretty much as described, and it was very uncomfortable. I thought it best to make light of the situation, that's usually how I deal with things anyway, despite it being very creepy. I think the worst part for me, is that when someone does something like that to you, you know that they're thinking something, and it's probably not a nice something. But you don't know what exactly is going through their minds. Whatever it is, the men that "identify as women" have some different ideas about what is and isn't rude, apparently. I know this is just one person, but it's also not the first time something like this has happened, probably just the most stark example. Stay safe out there.

My boyfriend had a work function recently and I tagged along. Thought I'd clean myself up for once, and wore a nice classy black dress. He had just finished giving a small speech, as he's in a leadership position. He walked to the back of the room where I was standing with a small crowd of people and gave me a peck on the lips and we started chit chatting. And then...... it happened.... Out of the corner of my eye, I get that sensation that I'm being watched. I glance in that direction and catch a TIM staring at me. We live in a liberal area, and my boyfriend is in a liberal industry. Thus, there were many TIMs of all shapes and sizes at this event. This particular one I actually didn't initially recognize as a gender anything when I first noticed him (before he started staring). I first just thought he was a large, heavy set man with greasy blue hair and that was it. Upon glancing in his direction again, I realized they were trying to be a TIM. So here's how it went down. I give them that initial glance of "I caught you staring." Did that deter our TIM in the slightest? Not a chance. Rock solid, unwavering, laser focused eyes locked on me like a fighter jet's targeting system. So then I give a sort of double glance. You know what I'm talking about? The ol' "Are you staring? Yes, you ARE staring." This TIM was unshakable. An impregnable bulwark (pun intended). We were fencing for an Olympic gold medal and I was getting shredded to pieces. I had one final tactic. After another minute I give the double take glance again, but this time added in a half second frown at the end. Surely our TIM will pick up on this signal, and recognize how uncomfortable they're making me. Surely this is my coup de grace. I stood defeated on the battlefield. Our TIM, the victor in this battle of wits. His eyes... they must have been granted +5 piercing by some mystical amulet. They seemed to sear through my very soul. I never stood a chance. After a full five minutes of being showered by his squinty gaze, his friends started to leave and had to tug at him, saying "c'mon, let's go." And just like that, I was freed from his attention by his allies, bless them. Ok, so I almost marked this as a humor post. But this really did play out pretty much as described, and it was *very* uncomfortable. I thought it best to make light of the situation, that's usually how I deal with things anyway, despite it being very creepy. I think the worst part for me, is that when someone does something like that to you, you know that they're thinking *something*, and it's probably not a nice something. But you don't know *what* exactly is going through their minds. Whatever it is, the men that "identify as women" have some different ideas about what is and isn't rude, apparently. I know this is just one person, but it's also not the first time something like this has happened, probably just the most stark example. Stay safe out there.

50 comments

My male partner was astonished when I told him about a man trying to stare me down. He says if a man did it to a man they’d be looking for a fight.

Men 100% know how aggressive and intimidating this behaviour is, and that’s why they do it.

I hope you are okay, being on the wrong end of a psychopath’s stare can genuinely mess with your head. It’s like they drop the mask and let you see there’s no soul in there.

This, they would be too scared to do it to a man - it might have consequences. .

Went out with my sister and ate at some restaurant my sister is obsessed with. We brought our dog along since they have a dog friendly patio. It was cold outside and early for lunch so we were the only ones on the patio. Until a guy decided to sit a table down from us when there are over 20 tables in the patio. He started to speak to us, so I looked at him and responded back. I noticed he was staring at my sister with the creepiest eyes. He would not stop staring at her even as I responded back to him. I'm not even sure he blinked and that's what freaked me out!

Thankfully the servers weren't busy so they kept walking around our tables and I struck up a convo with them so they wouldn't leave us there alone.

I'm perfectly fine. There's nothing he could have done physically in that situation, and I know I didn't do anything wrong. The only shame or embarrassment I feel is for his lack of social skills.

I can't help but wonder why a person does this. At the end of the day psychos are gonna be psychos. 🤷‍♀️

I had a friend (female) who would not take a single shit like this. She would literally go and ask "do I owe you money? Why are you starting?" And i admired her for that. Like I was in awe at her energy.

She got killed with a gun by an older man who was obsessed with her. (The man killed himself, left a wife and a small son behind)

Love your friend, and so sorry for your loss.

I'm definitely the type to walk right up to him in front of his friends and ask loudly "Is your intent to flatter me or make me uncomfortable with your continual staring at me? Don't you realize that's rude?"

I'm so sorry for your loss, she sounds like a great friend to have had around.

[–] Tq231442 Cervix owner 7 points

☹️ rest in power, badass sister. Of course a male would want to snuff the energy of a woman like that. I'm sorry.

On the bright side, it could be worse - last time I got stared down by a TIM was in a pool changing room (the female room, not the unisex one right next door). In my country I’d be the criminal if I complained, so I don’t go swimming any more. Sorry to add to your rant with another one!

In my country I’d be the criminal if I complained, so I don’t go swimming any more.

This is so depressing. Fuck.

[–] CheshireBat [OP] 🦇 14 points Edited

No need to apologize! This kind of thing is becoming more common. I'm so sorry that you had to endure such a stark example of it. Getting stared at like that can make a person feel naked. Actually being naked when that happens is a whole new level of insane.

Edit: I love swimming too. My turn is coming. 😒

It was so weird - what really makes me angry is that there’s a huge unisex space! Go change in there with women who consent to changing with males! But no, that wouldn’t be any fun would it. Infuriating.

I hope you get to keep swimming - I tried to power through but just couldn’t enjoy it any more after that. Hopefully you and other women are braver than me!

Without breaking my stare back at him, I'd've poked the boyfriend, pointed straight at the TIM and said that he's been staring straight at me non-stop for however long. Guaranteed the guy would have looked away as soon as a man was made aware of his inappropriate behavior.

[–] Philogynist 🦋🌍🍃 12 points

I tried this once when my ex was with me. And it was very frightening when the guy continued to leer at me absolutely unfazed that another man was now aware.

[–] hmimperialtortie AGP = evil 14 points

Surely our TIM will pick up on this signal, and recognize how uncomfortable they're making me.

That was the point. Never give them the benefit of the doubt. Never assume they’re “just awkward” or don’t know what they’re doing. These men are predators. They are evil.

[–] Philogynist 🦋🌍🍃 17 points

Okay can we have a conversation about this phenomena? There have been so many occasions in my life where I have gotten this type of leer you describe from men. What does it mean? Have any man described this leer to any of you before and described what is going on in their minds when they're doing it? I know it's not just sexual interest, I don't receive this type of fixated stare down by women interested in me.

It's not just a "stare" or a "gaze". It's beyond a man "checking me out". It's really like a hyper-focused look that reminds me of a cat ready to kill. I want to know for sure and beyond my own assumptions (because I assume yes to all of these) - are the thoughts behind this leer violent? Are the thoughts sexual? What is the perception that goes through a man's mind when he does this look?

Specifically, in every single occasion like you (OP) have described, physically communicating discomfort, anger, or disinterest as conspicuous as possible does not break this look.

Okay can we have a conversation about this phenomena? There have been so many occasions in my life where I have gotten this type of leer you describe from men. What does it mean? Have any man described this leer to any of you before and described what is going on in their minds when they're doing it?

It's a challenge. Men who do this are challenging the person they're staring at. He's trying to demonstrate that he's the dominant one in his little game. In reality, confident men don't really do this.

Men often do it to other men. A TIM doing it to a woman sounds like he was trying to show her that he's "more woman than she is," but it strikes me as particularly humorous given that women literally do not do shit like that so it's an exercise in futility.

Much like when they completely misunderstand our communication with them -- like when a young woman tells them that "You're so daring -- I could never pull off eyelet bobby socks, glittery FMPs, baby o-alls, and a satin ruffly blouse the way you do!" and they take that as a compliment on their clever fashion sense.

[–] Tq231442 Cervix owner 2 points

TIMs making posts like "how do you deal with cis women being envious of you??" when a woman patronizingly told them "oh wow your fried oily blue hair is sooo much prettier than mine wow I'm so jealous" because they don't understand that a lot of women are socialized this way is just ...

damn, if I get complimented that way, I’d be thinking “oh, she’s asking for a fight!?” lmao

physically communicating discomfort, anger, or disinterest as conspicuous as possible does not break this look

Yes, this exactly. It definitely wasn't sexual interest. I've gotten that enough times to know the difference. Usually, the guy will look you over, or feign disinterest or make some sort of gesture or indication that he likes what he sees. This is very different. This dude was a statue, and his eyes were narrowed, like he was shooting daggers. It almost has the appearance of silent anger, but like you, I can't quite put my finger on what is happening with this behavior, but would love an explanation. It's disorienting and unnerving. Where's a man on Ovarit when you need one? 😂

[–] Philogynist 🦋🌍🍃 8 points Edited

I actually went down a rabbit hole on Quora and Reddit and it sounds like it's an intimidation thing mixed with sexual interest. ://///// The answers I read were still very vague, but basically when men do this to each other it's typically invitation to a fight...or it's a man with no social skills. And that makes a lot of sense - when I think about any two humans (of really either sex) about to engage in a physical fight, there's always an initial staredown. During this moment, your body is both sizing the other person up as a threat and anticipating what they might do next. Men with autism or who just lack social skills might also do it without necessarily being paying attention to their bodies/have an awareness of both your social cues and how they're coming across.

So in the context of a man leering at a woman minding her own business at some space - in which she's definitely not a physical threat - he's either autistic/socially underdeveloped or I think it's what our gut says it is. Violent rapey thoughts going through his mind.

Violent rape thoughts was my first guess too. That also has been my gut feeling when experiencing this.

Oh wow, thank you for doing the research, honestly this is huge. It's something I've been wondering myself as it's not my first encounter with this.

or I think it's what our gut says it is. Violent rapey thoughts going through his mind.

I feel icky. 🤢

I get this from TIMs in public all the time bc I'm short and petite but am nicely proportioned overall and have looooong hair. but I never wear makeup and my wardrobe consists of oversized sweaters and black jeggings, it's all I ever wear. I wear the fancier sweaters and pullovers at work but thats it. and TIMs haaaaate that I'm so ultra feminine without putting in any work besides brushing my hair.

the glare down you receivied was just blind fury that you decided to slap on some makeup and an a little black number and look far more feminine and smashing than he could ever hope to accomplish.

when I get this glare, I just flip my hair in front of them or give them a girly little wave, they actually HAAAAAAATE being "affirmed" by women they are jealous of. the very idea that not only am I who he wants to be but I have the audacity to be so happy just BEING A FEMALE that I don't even NOTICE his weird ass behavior let alone care drives them bonkers.

it's hysterical.

I always interpreted it as an “I am casting a spell on you and making you mine, see how intense and passionate I am”

[–] Tq231442 Cervix owner 1 points

It's the way a predator stares at prey. I've never had a woman look at me like that

I would have asked him flat out wtf he was staring at. But I’m just aggressive like that when people fuck with me. Probably because I was bullied a lot as a kid and never stood up for myself, so now I’m just like, fuck it I’m not taking shit from anyone ever again.

But I can totally understand that you probably wouldn’t want to make a scene at your boyfriends work event. So I’d say you did pretty good on the subtle warfare! What a creep.

[–] CheshireBat [OP] 🦇 6 points Edited

Yeah, lol. I like the way you do things, but I'm more of a "play games then call the play-by-play later on anonymous websites" kind of person.

They probably stalked you on social media before or they have autism? Sorry I'm out of ideas. Sounds really awkward and if it were me I would have moved and got someone in the way of me Asap!

This JUST happened to me at a restaurant. Not a TIM, but exactly the same vibe. I was with a group of friends for a special occasion, at an expensive restaurant where I know the owner, so she came over to hug me. We were all dressed up - special occasion - and we were HAPPY. There was a guy at the next table, an ugly mountainous blob of sweaty malevolence, dressed in those tent like clothes that ugly fat men wear, but would mercilessly criticise on women. He was sitting with a tiny, timid wife dressed in brown, shapeless, please don't notice me clothes. He stared at me almost non-stop, and his poor timid little wife kept looking over with worried eyes. I don't know whether she was afraid of him causing a scene, or what might happen when they got home. Probably both. I felt terrible for her, because I think she's suffered through this many times before. After I got tired of him, I looked straight at him and did a shudder of disgust - really theatrical - and nudged my friend so she turned and looked at him too. You could see him boiling over with rage, but he couldn't do anything, because in this situation I had the power - more friends, knew the owner etc. They left not long after. I hope the wife was okay, and I felt guilty about making him angry enough to hurt her. But these men will find anything to be angry about - they might have tripped over the curb on the way out, and that would be her fault. Or the fault of the woman walking past just then. Anything that excuses their anger. It's always power, resentment of women who have any perceived power - anything at all, even just the power of enjoying themselves - and the added male sexual element.They want to hurt you and take you down to the level they think you should occupy. They think they can do it easily by staring at you and making you feel diminished and uncomfortable, like a piece of meat for their consumption. Fuck them.

[–] Tq231442 Cervix owner 5 points

I've always noticed how we, as women, can always sniff out incels and woman-haters, and women who find themselves frequently attracted to abusive men have been trained to ignore red flags, and often come from abusive homes themselves (this is NOT to victim-shame abused women, but even they have told me that once you attract an abusive partner, more tend to come).

There's a very specific sort of energy (I hate that word but it's all I could think of) amongst men who intensely hate or are resentful of women that acts as a giant repellant orb everywhere they go. I can tell just by exchanging three words with a man if he hates women.

Good god, that sounds like a terrifying human being, but I do know the type. He probably thought he was god's gift to the earth too, and that everyone owed him everything. I know the type you are describing. I'm related to a person like that, and their behavior is beyond appalling. I hadn't even finished reading your post and my heart was already bleeding for the woman he was with. I sincerely hope she has the good sense to leave him soon. I'm so glad that you got to go out and have a good time with your friends. Sounds like you had a great time in spite of Mr. Perfect over there. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for your shudder performance. I don't think I would have been as brave, but I love it anyway, lol.

[–] Tq231442 Cervix owner 5 points

They have this creepy unnerving way of staring. I have never felt more uncomfortable than when I was heavily pregnant getting stared at by a TIM - he refused to break eye contact for an entire busride and was terrifying to the point that I called my husband to ask him to pick me up.

Hey, I'm really glad that you posted this in here. I actually remember you mentioning this incident on the bus maybe a month or two ago on Ovarit. When you mentioned it, you also mentioned that you had previously wrote a full description of the encounter. I searched for it and read it at that time. Because, as I said, I've seen men do this before. Like, what happened to me wasn't even 1/1000th as insane as what happened to you. When the TIM stared me down the other day, shortly after he left I actually recalled your story about the bus ride on the spot and actually thought about that, because the stare I just witnessed (while much shorter and in a far less vulnerable circumstance) was very reminiscent of what I remember you describing. Just thought you would like to know I literally thought of you as this was happening... in a weird sort of way. 😄

Some men get off on this

The entitled right to stare. If he’s a TIM aka child of god the you dasnt object

I’m getting mad too

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