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If old TV shows are to be believed, "I don't kiss on the first date" was once a thing.

Now "It's been a week and we haven't done anal yet. Is he breaking up with me?"

[–] proudcatlady 19 points (+19|-0)

It was a big deal when my boyfriend and I held hands, weeks after we got together. And we were in college. In 2016! And sometimes I still felt like things were going a bit fast.

Your story makes me happy :)

[–] proudcatlady 6 points (+6|-0)

He really gives me hope when all else seems lost. He is my proof that the bad men are not the way they are because of biology, and knowing every man could choose to be like him is what keeps the flame lit under my butt.

[–] Jade 3 points (+3|-0)

And the answer is, "Yes, Stacy, he is, and you can't really blame him for that".

Followed up by "Just try to relax and know that it's a very hot thing you can do for him, and think of how satisfied he will be. Maybe you're being so resistant because of some prudish mindset issues? Chop-chop, hurry up and heal fast, because men haven't got all day. He probably has a line up of women on her phone very keen to take your place at the snap of two fingers. Love [cheesy magazine counselor name]"

[–] LunarMoose 31 points (+31|-0) Edited

Her answer is 100% spot on. Too many parents today think that 'you can't stop them from doing, watching' whatever.

Kids want time and space to be kids.

Here is part of what she responds: At first, I thought they were checking to see if I would ever give a different answer. Gradually I realized that something else was going on. They wanted me to say no. They wanted someone to give them permission to do what they had wanted to do all along, refuse the demands of acquaintances or strangers. Evidently there was no one in their lives whom they could count upon to watch out for their interests, to remind them that they were worthy of respect, and to tell them that they deserved to be healthy, which meant not taking health risks.

[–] proudcatlady 13 points (+13|-0) Edited


Love, Amy

That’s how it went, right? R…right?

Edit: By George! That’s exactly how it went.

[–] bumpyjerboa 12 points (+12|-0)

Was it always like this? She wrote this a little after I was out of high school. There were definitely boys who asked in such a gross way but many of my friends that were having sex had come to the decision mutually with their boyfriends. I want to think porn has made it worse but maybe I just didn't process or contextualize it properly at the time.

[–] Boudicaea 12 points (+12|-0)

I remember girls being pressured into sex in the early 2000s in high school. Fortunately not me. I had a very loving boyfriend who only pressured me for other things later on in college. But I think he changed due to porn. I know for a fact that a lot of things the boys were pressuring girls to do in high school was inspired by porn, because it became a "thing" at my school to make pornos. That worked out about as well as you might expect, although I don't think anyone was ultimately prosecuted for making CP.

[–] LunarMoose 7 points (+8|-1)

I am old, and the mother of a newly minted adult daughter (just 19). For me, no - it was not like this. Girls sometimes had boyfriends (and sex) in HS. But there was no pressure to perform anything in particular. By the time I was in college, sure, boyfriends did ask for specific things. But for my generation - it was typically in the context of a relationship.

Not that everything was great back then - it wasn't. But I never felt ANY pressure in HS to even have sex. Yes, I wanted a boyfriend - but even dating a boy didn't imply having sex (well. not for a good long while). And, to be frank - I went to lots of pretty 'wild' teen parties (lots of drinking) and even bars (I was legal at 18). But still - no pressure at all.

[–] MonstrousRegiment 14 points (+14|-0) Edited

I am definitely way older than you, and I'm sorry to say that I was pressured into unwanted sex at 16. We didn't have the insanely pornified culture that surrounds us now, but the messages were all there that girls and women are "for sex", that having a boyfriend was validating, etc. etc. And I had an older, more sophisticated friend whom I idolized, who regularly talked about sex with her boyfriend and how much she loved it.

If by "anything in particular" you mean anything other than vaginal sex, I agree. But unwanted sex is unwanted sex, no matter what the specific act.

Edited to add: how I wish there had been a Dr. Amy to write to then!

[–] Galko 3 points (+3|-0)

I concur, pressured as a mid teen because I hadn't yet, but I remember the attitudes starting to turn in general to sex. The group that came a few years after my time had those colored bracelets that either said what they had done or would be willing to do, I never could figure out all the "rules." But basically one color was oral, another was anal, and different positions - however the internet was still limited to colleges, so porn still meant stolen playboys and vhs tapes, so everything was tame by today's standards.

[–] emptiedriver 4 points (+4|-0)

But I never felt ANY pressure in HS to even have sex.

I didn't exactly feel pressure to have sex, but I felt a general social pressure to "lose my virginity" at a certain point, which meant that if I hadn't met someone I had a real relationship with, then it was just pressure to have sex. Kind of a weird social anxiety that probably made me more sexually active than I personally needed to be, just because it was "cool"

[–] LunarMoose 1 points (+1|-0)

that's true. I did feel that, as well. But not doing so in HS was - well - fine. Most of my friends waited until college

[–] hypatia 7 points (+7|-0)

That "asking for permission to say no" feeling is very real! I remember experiecing it a lot as a young woman.

Young women are taught, in many, silent ways, that their job is to be agreeable and pleasing to the people around them. They are there to soothe, nurture. These girls also get the message that if they want to be empowered and adult, they can say yes to sex and being sexualized.... but I VERY RARELY ever was told by anyone to say no to sex (unless it was a Christian who wanted to control me).

[–] starsstorm 3 points (+3|-0)

I am going to remember to reinforce this with my own daughters.

[–] Julie92845 0 points (+0|-0)

We just had our one week anniversary yesterday

They count anniversaries in weeks now?