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Sister is a bisexual woman who exclusively dates women. She was married to a woman, now divorced and engaged to another.

She doesn't like that lesbians exclude women like her, especially in her last marriage where she was with a lesbian and they couldn't join as a couple. She says there was a lesbian group for nursing and pregnant women that she wanted to join really badly, that her wife could have joined but not her.

I understand her POV but I don't think she's being fair and considering the POV of lesbians in this. In truth, I don't think I fully understand it either because I wouldn't mind inviting bisexual women who are dating women exclusively in particular. But I don't have experience with those spaces so I don't know what the lesbians' experience would be like and where that boundary is from - I've been too isolated for that.

It still bothers me that she doesn't have respect for those women's boundaries and is viewing the issue so selfishly. But I wonder if there is anything I can say to convince her. Should I try? I feel as though it might not be worth the effort because she doesn't even see why it would be inappropriate for her to join a group for pregnant and nursing women without being either of those things. She said she wanted to join because she wants kids, but I think wanting kids and being pregnant are such wildly different things. How would she relate to what they're going through and help them? The selfishness of wanting their time so she can gawk is beyond the pale in my eyes. I really want to knock some sense into her but I can't imagine anything that might get her to see it's not always about her.

The other thing that bothers me about it is that LGBTQ discourse so strongly favors her side here and that there's no respect and acknowledgment for women's boundaries there either. Her selfish attitude gets reinforced and encouraged by the community itself and that group by now probably doesn't exist since this was something that happened before the gender trend destroyed lesbian spaces.

tl;dr Frustrated by my bisexual sister who thinks she's the victim because she doesn't get invited to lesbian pregnancy support groups.

Sister is a bisexual woman who exclusively dates women. She was married to a woman, now divorced and engaged to another. She doesn't like that lesbians exclude women like her, especially in her last marriage where she was with a lesbian and they couldn't join as a couple. She says there was a lesbian group for nursing and pregnant women that she wanted to join really badly, that her wife could have joined but not her. I understand her POV but I don't think she's being fair and considering the POV of lesbians in this. In truth, I don't think I fully understand it either because I wouldn't mind inviting bisexual women who are dating women exclusively in particular. But I don't have experience with those spaces so I don't know what the lesbians' experience would be like and where that boundary is from - I've been too isolated for that. It still bothers me that she doesn't have respect for those women's boundaries and is viewing the issue so selfishly. But I wonder if there is anything I can say to convince her. Should I try? I feel as though it might not be worth the effort because she doesn't even see why it would be inappropriate for her to join a group for pregnant and nursing women without being either of those things. She said she wanted to join because she wants kids, but I think wanting kids and being pregnant are such wildly different things. How would she relate to what they're going through and help them? The selfishness of wanting their time so she can gawk is beyond the pale in my eyes. I really want to knock some sense into her but I can't imagine anything that might get her to see it's not always about her. The other thing that bothers me about it is that LGBTQ discourse so strongly favors her side here and that there's no respect and acknowledgment for women's boundaries there either. Her selfish attitude gets reinforced and encouraged by the community itself and that group by now probably doesn't exist since this was something that happened before the gender trend destroyed lesbian spaces. tl;dr Frustrated by my bisexual sister who thinks she's the victim because she doesn't get invited to lesbian pregnancy support groups.

29 comments

Some groups that are labeled lesbian are named that as a shorthand for "same-sex female couple", others are lesbian only-- you often have to double check in a respectful way what the intention of the group is before you join (i.e. not "AM I ALLOWED HERE? pouty face but more like, "is this a group only intended for women who identify as lesbian or for any woman in same-sex partnerships?"

I think you're right-- if she can't get why someone who isn't pregnant or nursing shouldn't join a group for women who are pregnant/nursing, then she's going to be hopeless at understanding the lesbian question. If she is so mad at this she's mad at hypothetical exclusion (my wife could have gone but not me! neither of us were pregnant though...) then she's likely not able to see straight about this issue.

I wouldn't give up about saying something-- somebody's gotta set boundaries with her other than whatever poor lesbians she wants to trample over and whine at-- but I'd advise keeping it short and just making it clear she's being an ass, unless she's receptive to hearing more.

Is her current partner a lesbian? Gotta wonder what she thinks...

They're both bisexual but I don't know what the partner thinks.

This reminds me when I had initially assumed that my past roommate was a lesbian, and that she was dating a lesbian. When I was talking about that, she got extremely angry and corrected me in saying that she’s bi and her gf is bi, and they just met at a bar drunk and it turned into a relationship. Fuck I only wish it was THAT EASY for me or any lesbian.

But how she got even more nasty towards me like that showed she had some extreme homophobia, but was all nice and kind to her gay male roommate friend who would talk behind my back about me all the time.