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Sister is a bisexual woman who exclusively dates women. She was married to a woman, now divorced and engaged to another.

She doesn't like that lesbians exclude women like her, especially in her last marriage where she was with a lesbian and they couldn't join as a couple. She says there was a lesbian group for nursing and pregnant women that she wanted to join really badly, that her wife could have joined but not her.

I understand her POV but I don't think she's being fair and considering the POV of lesbians in this. In truth, I don't think I fully understand it either because I wouldn't mind inviting bisexual women who are dating women exclusively in particular. But I don't have experience with those spaces so I don't know what the lesbians' experience would be like and where that boundary is from - I've been too isolated for that.

It still bothers me that she doesn't have respect for those women's boundaries and is viewing the issue so selfishly. But I wonder if there is anything I can say to convince her. Should I try? I feel as though it might not be worth the effort because she doesn't even see why it would be inappropriate for her to join a group for pregnant and nursing women without being either of those things. She said she wanted to join because she wants kids, but I think wanting kids and being pregnant are such wildly different things. How would she relate to what they're going through and help them? The selfishness of wanting their time so she can gawk is beyond the pale in my eyes. I really want to knock some sense into her but I can't imagine anything that might get her to see it's not always about her.

The other thing that bothers me about it is that LGBTQ discourse so strongly favors her side here and that there's no respect and acknowledgment for women's boundaries there either. Her selfish attitude gets reinforced and encouraged by the community itself and that group by now probably doesn't exist since this was something that happened before the gender trend destroyed lesbian spaces.

tl;dr Frustrated by my bisexual sister who thinks she's the victim because she doesn't get invited to lesbian pregnancy support groups.

Sister is a bisexual woman who exclusively dates women. She was married to a woman, now divorced and engaged to another. She doesn't like that lesbians exclude women like her, especially in her last marriage where she was with a lesbian and they couldn't join as a couple. She says there was a lesbian group for nursing and pregnant women that she wanted to join really badly, that her wife could have joined but not her. I understand her POV but I don't think she's being fair and considering the POV of lesbians in this. In truth, I don't think I fully understand it either because I wouldn't mind inviting bisexual women who are dating women exclusively in particular. But I don't have experience with those spaces so I don't know what the lesbians' experience would be like and where that boundary is from - I've been too isolated for that. It still bothers me that she doesn't have respect for those women's boundaries and is viewing the issue so selfishly. But I wonder if there is anything I can say to convince her. Should I try? I feel as though it might not be worth the effort because she doesn't even see why it would be inappropriate for her to join a group for pregnant and nursing women without being either of those things. She said she wanted to join because she wants kids, but I think wanting kids and being pregnant are such wildly different things. How would she relate to what they're going through and help them? The selfishness of wanting their time so she can gawk is beyond the pale in my eyes. I really want to knock some sense into her but I can't imagine anything that might get her to see it's not always about her. The other thing that bothers me about it is that LGBTQ discourse so strongly favors her side here and that there's no respect and acknowledgment for women's boundaries there either. Her selfish attitude gets reinforced and encouraged by the community itself and that group by now probably doesn't exist since this was something that happened before the gender trend destroyed lesbian spaces. tl;dr Frustrated by my bisexual sister who thinks she's the victim because she doesn't get invited to lesbian pregnancy support groups.

29 comments

Bi women spend time with men. Nearly all of them wind up with men. They all prioritize men - at least some man at some point, usually a number of men, in their lives. And, in particular, they live their lives adjusted to, and cooperative with, male socialization and sexuality. Women who absorb male socialization and sexuality like this are inevitably changed and more deeply influenced by it than they know or would ever admit. Lesbians notice this in bi womens behavior in relationships. And the core of male socialization and sexuality is violation and domination. Bi women bring this connection to males to lesbian groups and relationships. Mostly they should never call themselves lesbian cos most wind up back with men and it gives men even more reason (like they needed any) to think lesbians just need the right dick.

I'm not a gold star. Most lesbians aren't so that means we have also spent time with men at some point. I don't know that this is a good argument unless you're arguing for gold star only spaces.

[–] mathlover 4 points Edited

If a woman is only attracted to other women, however she got to that point, she is a lesbian. Bi women retain the possibility of prioritizing a man in their lives, something no lesbian would or could ever want. Lesbians want nothing to do with the dynamic of relationships with men. That is a critical difference that keeps bi women tethered, even as only a possibility, to males.

[+] [Deleted] 0 points