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I'm currently in a relationship with a man but I don't think it is working out. I have a very strong preference for women, but it seems like I keep dating men simply because they're convenient rather than because I'm actually attracted to them.

I would much rather date a woman, but I have a lot of difficulty just finding women who aren't straight without going to spaces explicitly for LGBT people. Unfortunately, I haven't found any spaces in my city that drop the T, and I don't think I would get on well with someone who expects me to change my political beliefs to include autogynophile acceptance.

I'm kinda stuck here, so advice would be appreciated. Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to respond!

I'm currently in a relationship with a man but I don't think it is working out. I have a very strong preference for women, but it seems like I keep dating men simply because they're convenient rather than because I'm actually attracted to them. I would much rather date a woman, but I have a lot of difficulty just finding women who aren't straight without going to spaces explicitly for LGBT people. Unfortunately, I haven't found any spaces in my city that drop the T, and I don't think I would get on well with someone who expects me to change my political beliefs to include autogynophile acceptance. I'm kinda stuck here, so advice would be appreciated. Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to respond!

24 comments

I think a lot of it is word of mouth and friends of friends. If you know a normie or gender critical lesbian couple, they likely have similarly minded friends. Of course, finding that first person/people is harder…

Not LGBTBBQ spaces, though, that’s for sure.

The only lesbians I know irl are my aunts who may be too old to know anyone my age. I guess I could try asking anyway?

In my experience there were quite a few that tacitly agreed with GC views, even in LGBT spaces. More and more I've been noticing my friends making jokes and what not that lead me to believe they don't believe that twaw.

[+] [Deleted] 7 points

Not ready to date atm but I know it'll be a crazy fucking time to find someone who's radfem/gc.

What do you mean?

it’s almost impossible to find each other. like you can’t put “radfem” in your bio on dating apps bc you’ll get reported or doxxed.

Yes, safety but also those are my standards, I won't compromise on them. I can't be with someone who isn't on the level with that stuff.

Can you share what country you live in, and what region of that country?

East Australia, a major city

[–] mauvaisefoi 9 points Edited

Oof, yeah, no spaces here that drop the T. I second word-of-mouth, but with asking straight people as well and not using the word 'lesbian' because its meaning can be unclear to some and might exclude women-leaning bisexuals. I find straight people actually pretty eager to tell you about a homosexual/bisexual acquaintance if they find out you are gay.

I'm not even out to most of my friends but some in the past have said to me, "I know a girl who's also into girls" and it's just such a simple, non-bullshit way of meeting real lesbians. Though it helps that my social circle is mostly working class.

Other than that, community sports are a good place to meet lesbians. I've also heard Canberra has a high density of gays and it doesn't seem like the kind of city to host Twitter-dwelling transcels so maybe keep an eye out for that if you happen to find yourself down that way.

As a lesbian in Sydney: good luck lol!

But seriously, see if there are any lesbian/bi Meetup groups in your area. Most skew a little above my age group but I've heard that they are pretty sensible. My friend is in a lesbian bookclub that I'm interested in joining after lockdown.

I also find that on dating apps a lot of TRAs make their views known in their bio with lines like "no terfs, TWAW" etc. Not sure about bi women, but I find that a lot of lesbians I meet just aren't particularly passionate about trans topics in general? Like they might be vaguely publicly supportive in order to be "nice" and avoid being ostracised but are mildly GC in private (e.g. saying they would never date a TW, acknowledging that we are v different).

Also just let people (especially normie friends) in your life know that you like women (if you feel comfortable/safe doing so) and you'll be surprised how many will have friends they want you to meet.

I'm bi in a het marriage, but back in my single days I didn't find spaces that were specifically LBA spaces a good place to meet women. If the only thing you have in common is that you're into women it isn't much to go on. I met people through music scenes or hobbies.

[–] JLT 1 points

Please break up with the man first before you start fishing around, if for no reason besides the fact that it puts a lot of anti-trans women off. Also, there's no drop the T space in most of the world. I would personally get on a dating app; they're all circuses so you'll have to filter out the characters, but it's a bit more proactive than word-of-mouth. A lot of women keep their trans-critical views on the down-low. Don't be afraid of initiating. A lot of women are reluctant to initiate but if you don't, you're seriously limiting your options.

Please break up with the man first before you start fishing around, if for no reason besides the fact that it puts a lot of anti-trans women off

Well obviously, I thought that was a given? Not going to install any apps until I've done that.

Your other advice is helpful too, though I definitely am scared of initiating :(

[–] JLT 0 points

Well obviously, I thought that was a given?

Ohohoho, you'd think so, but no.

though I definitely am scared of initiating

Well, the worst she can say is "yes, and my boyfriend would love to join us", right?

find a gc youtuber or blogger you like, a lot of their fans will be lgb and you may be able to find gay women in your area from just getting into conversation with them, discords, instagram youtube etc

If I were dating I would use Giggle or Club Monocle. You might be able to make some connections in your region there too.

Lesbian here, who has dated women who thought they were straight until they met me.

There are far more women like you than you think! What have you got to lose by recruiting?