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I grew up with the trope of the "predatory lesbian", and I always have it in my head that even thinking of a woman being attractive is preying on her.

I think I might be attracted to some men (fictional ones), but even that makes me feel guilty. Like I am somehow betraying women by having feelings for men.

I feel ashamed for having a sex drive. Sex is still associated with my parents in my mind (abuse), so even thinking about it is gross.

And I feel embarassed for being relatively inexperienced for my age.

I'm having trouble reconciling all of this. There's no one in my life with whom there is a mutual attraction, so it's just me and my mind. It's kind of tormenting me.

I grew up with the trope of the "predatory lesbian", and I always have it in my head that even _thinking_ of a woman being attractive is preying on her. I think I _might_ be attracted to some men (fictional ones), but even that makes me feel guilty. Like I am somehow betraying women by having feelings for men. I feel ashamed for having a sex drive. Sex is still associated with my parents in my mind (abuse), so even thinking about it is gross. And I feel embarassed for being relatively inexperienced for my age. I'm having trouble reconciling all of this. There's no one in my life with whom there is a mutual attraction, so it's just me and my mind. It's kind of tormenting me.

6 comments

Being attracted to men does not make you tainted. Many same sex attracted women have had experiences with men, whether desired or not. These experiences, and that attraction for those who have it, do not taint or betray your feelings for women.

It sounds like you've been ruminating for a long time, going over the same pattern of thoughts over and over again. In my experience, being with another person can be easier than being alone with ourselves and our expectations. Our own thoughts are predictable and routine, patterned. Another person's input is unexpected and can shake you out of those patterns of thought and behavior. Basically, don't let this keep you away from intrigued women.

Also, I wouldn't worry about the lack of experience. A lot of women I know in committed same-sex partnerships didn't have any experience before their current partner. A lot of them, on the other hand, did, and a lot of that experience has been more problematic than helpful (bad habits at best, trauma at worst). Experience isn't everything.