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know that the preddit sub of the same name would have you think that I'm joking. I for one am not a fan of the general discourse there. I do not believe that you can remain married, "in love" or attracted to ANY man at all whatsoever. Not "he's the ONLY one or else I'd totally be lesbian, lol!" Or "he's perfectly okay with me exploring my sexuality while we're still married, lol!" I'm looking for honest opinions though. I DO believe that there are lots of genuine lesbians out there who end up married with kids, only to figure themselves out later on, or those who simply end up in denial/are oblivious and date men since it's simply the easiest route. When the realization hits, though, there's no going back. I don't think it's always accurate to simply label such women as bisexual. I am also troubled by "comphet" and mostly disagree with it. I do agree with the general premise, which is that women are more pressured to pursue hetero relations even if they don't want to. But the whole comphet "community," just seems focused disingenuousness like the late bloomer community. "I have crushes on males but it's because of comphet" I cannot relate to any of that, because I have never had a single crush on a male. I have, however, dated males. Not because I was attracted to them. But because they were attracted to me. I was young and naive, and most importantly, I had extremely low, basically nonexistent self esteem. I had no friends and no support from my homophobic family. I was shamed from a young age for being gender non-conforming. I hid myself so deep in the closet I thought I could be their idea of "normal." I thought that companionship with a male was the better option compared to being alone. Now that I'm older I'm more comfortable in acknowledging the realization that I'm only attracted to women. I've dated men, and now I know for sure that a relationship with one is just not compatible for me. But there are people out there who think that I'm faking it, and that hurts, and I don't know how to make sense of my life. Like I have to prove myself to everyone. I don't feel I should have to prove myself, we all have different circumstances that cause us to make the decisions we do. It's even why I'm posting this in this sub rather than elsewhere, so as to to not put myself at risk of being ridiculed and rejected. I understand exclusivity is a necessity in today's climate, but to what end?

know that the preddit sub of the same name would have you think that I'm joking. I for one am not a fan of the general discourse there. I do not believe that you can remain married, "in love" or attracted to ANY man at all whatsoever. Not "he's the ONLY one or else I'd totally be lesbian, lol!" Or "he's perfectly okay with me exploring my sexuality while we're still married, lol!" I'm looking for honest opinions though. I DO believe that there are lots of genuine lesbians out there who end up married with kids, only to figure themselves out later on, or those who simply end up in denial/are oblivious and date men since it's simply the easiest route. When the realization hits, though, there's no going back. I don't think it's always accurate to simply label such women as bisexual. I am also troubled by "comphet" and mostly disagree with it. I do agree with the general premise, which is that women are more pressured to pursue hetero relations even if they don't want to. But the whole comphet "community," just seems focused disingenuousness like the late bloomer community. "I have crushes on males but it's because of comphet" I cannot relate to any of that, because I have never had a single crush on a male. I have, however, dated males. Not because I was attracted to them. But because they were attracted to me. I was young and naive, and most importantly, I had extremely low, basically nonexistent self esteem. I had no friends and no support from my homophobic family. I was shamed from a young age for being gender non-conforming. I hid myself so deep in the closet I thought I could be their idea of "normal." I thought that companionship with a male was the better option compared to being alone. Now that I'm older I'm more comfortable in acknowledging the realization that I'm only attracted to women. I've dated men, and now I know for sure that a relationship with one is just not compatible for me. But there are people out there who think that I'm faking it, and that hurts, and I don't know how to make sense of my life. Like I have to prove myself to everyone. I don't feel I should have to prove myself, we all have different circumstances that cause us to make the decisions we do. It's even why I'm posting this in this sub rather than elsewhere, so as to to not put myself at risk of being ridiculed and rejected. I understand exclusivity is a necessity in today's climate, but to what end?

45 comments

Well let me just say I relate. The late bloomer community makes me feel alienated because I cannot relate at all with most of what's described. I've definitely never married a man, let alone come anywhere close. Never felt attracted either, in fact I used to come up with elaborate schemes to try to feel arousal from men in any form, did not work. But I did have a few relationships with men and I did have sex with them, because that was what I was "supposed" to do and, quite frankly, it was hard enough being as different as I was, so I was willing to do something I knew I did not want to do to feel normal for a minute.

But also I did not recognize my attraction to women. Fear, anxiety, deep self loathing? Yep. I remember being like ten years old and some older kids calling me an ugly dyke and I had no fucking clue what that meant but I knew I did not want to be that. Could not be that. That was not the first time, nor the last, but it sticks out as the first time I realized what other people hated me so much for was something I could also tell was true, and it terrified me. So down those feelings went, to be choked and beaten into submission for a few decades until I basically had a mental breakdown.

Anyway, to stop rambling - yes, I know what you mean. Lesbians who didn't have an experience like this don't get it and think you have to be full of shit. That unless you grew up in Saudi Arabia, if you ever did anything with a man you must be bi. And on the other side, you have that very vocal part of the late bloomer community who insist that they were or even still currently are genuinely attracted to a man, and it's like... How does that compute? Some denial maybe? But also surely some people who are definitely just bi. And there's nothing wrong with that!

At the end of the day I've just decided I don't give a shit. Being afraid of rejection is what got me here, I can't even be bothered to fear it anymore. I don't care what they think of me, I know my life and my own feelings and their opinions really do not matter. People have been telling me they know me better than I do for as long as I can remember, and not once has it had a positive impact on my life to listen to them, so fuck it, ban me, call me a fake, I know I'm not and that matters a hell of a lot more to me than anything else.

At the end of the day I've just decided I don't give a shit.

This is the answer right here! I’m firmly in this camp. People need to carry on with their lives. I would like all the navel gazing women who come to their attraction to other women circuitously to understand something. Whether you’re “technically” lesbian or bisexual is probably the least interesting thing about you so drop it and make something of your life.

"Whether you’re “technically” lesbian or bisexual is probably the least interesting thing about you so drop it and make something of your life."

We do need to establish a boundary between bi and lesbian, so as to not erase lesbians and let male attracted women into our word. It's why lesbians have to keep fighting against erasure, and say "lesbians aren't attracted to men" over and over again, even though it's obvious. If you have to say "technically" with regards to your sexual orientation you're probably bi. But yes I think most people are making themselves confused with their sexual orientation. Just say your questioning or not sure, and move on.