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know that the preddit sub of the same name would have you think that I'm joking. I for one am not a fan of the general discourse there. I do not believe that you can remain married, "in love" or attracted to ANY man at all whatsoever. Not "he's the ONLY one or else I'd totally be lesbian, lol!" Or "he's perfectly okay with me exploring my sexuality while we're still married, lol!" I'm looking for honest opinions though. I DO believe that there are lots of genuine lesbians out there who end up married with kids, only to figure themselves out later on, or those who simply end up in denial/are oblivious and date men since it's simply the easiest route. When the realization hits, though, there's no going back. I don't think it's always accurate to simply label such women as bisexual. I am also troubled by "comphet" and mostly disagree with it. I do agree with the general premise, which is that women are more pressured to pursue hetero relations even if they don't want to. But the whole comphet "community," just seems focused disingenuousness like the late bloomer community. "I have crushes on males but it's because of comphet" I cannot relate to any of that, because I have never had a single crush on a male. I have, however, dated males. Not because I was attracted to them. But because they were attracted to me. I was young and naive, and most importantly, I had extremely low, basically nonexistent self esteem. I had no friends and no support from my homophobic family. I was shamed from a young age for being gender non-conforming. I hid myself so deep in the closet I thought I could be their idea of "normal." I thought that companionship with a male was the better option compared to being alone. Now that I'm older I'm more comfortable in acknowledging the realization that I'm only attracted to women. I've dated men, and now I know for sure that a relationship with one is just not compatible for me. But there are people out there who think that I'm faking it, and that hurts, and I don't know how to make sense of my life. Like I have to prove myself to everyone. I don't feel I should have to prove myself, we all have different circumstances that cause us to make the decisions we do. It's even why I'm posting this in this sub rather than elsewhere, so as to to not put myself at risk of being ridiculed and rejected. I understand exclusivity is a necessity in today's climate, but to what end?

know that the preddit sub of the same name would have you think that I'm joking. I for one am not a fan of the general discourse there. I do not believe that you can remain married, "in love" or attracted to ANY man at all whatsoever. Not "he's the ONLY one or else I'd totally be lesbian, lol!" Or "he's perfectly okay with me exploring my sexuality while we're still married, lol!" I'm looking for honest opinions though. I DO believe that there are lots of genuine lesbians out there who end up married with kids, only to figure themselves out later on, or those who simply end up in denial/are oblivious and date men since it's simply the easiest route. When the realization hits, though, there's no going back. I don't think it's always accurate to simply label such women as bisexual. I am also troubled by "comphet" and mostly disagree with it. I do agree with the general premise, which is that women are more pressured to pursue hetero relations even if they don't want to. But the whole comphet "community," just seems focused disingenuousness like the late bloomer community. "I have crushes on males but it's because of comphet" I cannot relate to any of that, because I have never had a single crush on a male. I have, however, dated males. Not because I was attracted to them. But because they were attracted to me. I was young and naive, and most importantly, I had extremely low, basically nonexistent self esteem. I had no friends and no support from my homophobic family. I was shamed from a young age for being gender non-conforming. I hid myself so deep in the closet I thought I could be their idea of "normal." I thought that companionship with a male was the better option compared to being alone. Now that I'm older I'm more comfortable in acknowledging the realization that I'm only attracted to women. I've dated men, and now I know for sure that a relationship with one is just not compatible for me. But there are people out there who think that I'm faking it, and that hurts, and I don't know how to make sense of my life. Like I have to prove myself to everyone. I don't feel I should have to prove myself, we all have different circumstances that cause us to make the decisions we do. It's even why I'm posting this in this sub rather than elsewhere, so as to to not put myself at risk of being ridiculed and rejected. I understand exclusivity is a necessity in today's climate, but to what end?

45 comments

I’ll tell you my own story and I’ll tell you about the other late bloomers I believe to be lesbians and not just bisexual women with a strong lean toward women.

I grew up in an accepting family, raised by a single mother, with a lot of female relatives, and my only male friend is gay. I experienced a very early child sexual assault when I was 4 at the hands of a man.

My first kiss was with a girl. My first crushes were girls. I had a lot of anxiety and low self-esteem as a kid and teen. By high school any time one of my male friends took interest, my world became about them and I looked at sex as a way to keep them close to me. The first time I saw a male partner naked, I was disgusted. The first time I saw a penis, I was grossed out and gagged. I refused any sexual position where I had to look at my partner.

Still, this continued with me exclusively dating men who expressed interest in me, which I now believe was to validate my worth.

I acknowledged an attraction to women. At 23 I had a threesome with a friend. Over the next six months, I continued to see her without my boyfriend. I loved every minute of it. She was perfect. All I wanted to do was make her happy. I couldn’t take my eyes off her during sex. At this point I came out as bisexual cause I was clearly attracted to women.

I thought I liked men and women “differently.” Every person in my life was male-attracted and bitched about men. The little things that annoyed me in relationships with men were similar to their stories. They all acted like sex was a chore.

When I married a man, I avoided sex. We’d have months where we didn’t have sex and I was okay with that. Despite loving him dearly, despite him being a giving lover, despite him being my absolute best friend, I hated having sex with him. I hated the way he sounded, the way he looked, the way he moved. Like most of my relationships, it went south and we divorced.

After working through some of my trauma, I came to the conclusion that I may actually have never been attracted to men. More often than not, my response to seeing a man naked was disgust. I never actually enjoyed looking at them. I had to dissociate from the situation and focus on the sensation alone in order to orgasm. I think there’s a strong possibility I’m a lesbian.

I don’t call myself one. I’m honest with my partner that I don’t want to categorize myself. She knows how I felt. She knows about my trauma. She knows I intend to exclusively date women in the future. I’m not focused on the label. I stay out of the lesbian circle. Idk, I feel like I don’t belong.

My partner didn’t come out until she was 27 and divorced her ex-husband. Her story is different. She always knew she was a lesbian, but grew up in a very conservative Christian community and tried to ignore it. There are plenty of women in LBL spaces who knew they were lesbians and were in communities where it wasn’t safe to come out. She lost one entire side of her family for her decision to be true to herself.

Of the actual women in LBL spaces, there’s a combination of women who weren’t raised in communities where being gay was okay so they came out late to others but always knew they were gay, or there are women who are bisexual with strong leans toward women and who genuinely do not experience attraction toward men anymore, or there are women like me with a history of trauma who used sex with men for self-harm and validation. I believe women who always knew they were attracted to women and who always knew it was different than men.

What I absolutely CANNOT stand is TIMs in LBL spaces. They do not belong.

ETA- I don’t know if my personal journey has to do with trauma or just fluid bisexuality that’s shifted to a current state where I’m exclusively attracted to women, and I don’t care. I stopped trying to justify my past and I look toward my present and future. That’s why I feel I don’t really belong in lesbian spaces, but I feel included in WLW spaces. I don’t feel the need to justify who I’m with or try to define myself to make others feel better. I do resonate with a lot of what’s said in WLW spaces though.