It's more than being considerate towards your abuser's feelings though. It's trying to appease them rather than fighting or telling them to fuck off because there's a very real possibility that he'll get irate and attack or kill you. I've heard people say that "fawn" should be added to the fight, flight, or freeze responses, and I think it's true for women especially. We have to resort to other means besides brute strength.

Women wouldn't get so deep into abusive relationships they fear they can't leave if they dropped the assholes at the first red flag instead of "being nice".

Women wouldn't get so deep into abusive relationships they fear they can't leave if they dropped the assholes at the first red flag instead of "being nice".

Except lots of the abusive relationships girls and women find ourselves "so deep into" and we have genuine trouble getting out of are not relationships where we've had the option to "drop the assholes at the first red flag."

You make it sound like the only "abusive relationships" girls and women have with men and boys are voluntary romantic partner ones that we made a choice to enter into and we can choose to get ourselves out of. When the reality is, the abusive relationships lots of girls and women are "deep into" and can't see a way out of are relationships in which "the assholes" are tyrannical, bullying, malevolent fathers, uncles, grand dads, brothers, cousins, classmates, neighbors, teachers, pastors/priests/imams/rabbis, doctors, coaches, employers, managers, co-workers, professional colleagues and so on. Many of these abusive relationships started during girls' and women's infancy, childhoods, teens and early adult years... Some of them begin when women are older or elderly and vulnerable in newfound ways.

Some women in middle-age and their elderly years are in "deep into" relationships with their sons and grandsons who have turned out to be sick, twisted, abusive assholes in adulthood and adolescence.

Lots of girls and women are dealing with all sorts of vulnerabilities and constraints - disability, lack of money, illegal immigrant status, financial and practical dependency, dementia, low levels of literacy and education, religious taboos - that make it very difficult for them to drop and escape the abusive assholes in their lives.

By saying "getting deep into a relationship" that is by definition a voluntary relationship someone can get out of. At least in the US, the vast majority of DV and homicides of adult women are carried out by romantic partners. I don't see a legitimate complaint for someone saying we need to push against the social conditioning that leads women to get into abusive relationships. Women do have agency, but many have been conditioned to ignore that agency when there are red flags and that leads them down a path of staying in relationships to the point where they do not think they can leave without jeopardizing their safety or their loved ones. I'd like to see society, feminists in particular, normalize dropping a man at the dating stage when the red flags start, and push back against the idea that women can fix these controlling and abusive men. I am shocked at the sort of crap I see women put up with very early in dating relationships. Yes, men need to stop being shit, but women need to be held up and told loudly and clearly that they do not deserve that shit and they don't need a man so badly that they have to put up with it.

A lot abusers wait or subtly engineer until it is very difficult for the woman to leave.

Having seen women get drawn into these relationships, I don't agree that there aren't signs until it is too late. The "subtle" signs are a period of boundary violating/disrespect/attempts to control that women put up with and disregard because of the ingrained behavior to be nice, put others needs first and fear of losing the relationship if they stand up for themselves. Having gone through this with a family member who was in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship/marriage the signs were there very early in the relationship, but she kept them a secret.

While they were dating, she would put aside her money for something else, only to find the envelope empty. He "needed" it for something, so he just took it without asking, but he'd never pay it back. When they got married she stupidly opened a joint account with him, only to see her paychecks get spent covering his business losses. He lost more money than she made over multiple years. He convinced her that as long as they stuck together he'd turn his business around and be making so much money. In the mean time, he didn't lift a finger as a parent (they each had a child from a previous relationship) and then had a baby with a birth defect that required special care, numerous medical appointments, and he did nothing. She didn't get a full night's sleep for almost 5 years because the baby's condition caused respiratory issues. He never woke up once in the middle of the night to care for his child. But by the time they were filing bankruptcy and lost their house to foreclosure, she couldn't imagine leaving him. Finally when the stress of caring for 3 children with no support, working, going back to school to get an advanced degree so she could make more money, and a second bankruptcy pushed her into an anxiety spiral, he couldn't cope because she was "crazy" so he cheated on her and then abandoned her.
Had she told him the first time he took her money without asking that she'd drop his ass if he ever did it again, she'd have saved herself a decade of financial ruin and the destruction of her mental health. She almost ended up in an inpatient psychiatric program. She has spent seven years putting her life back together. It is only because of very generous support from family members that she is back on her feet. But had she told him he couldn't take her money the first time he did it, he'd probably have bailed on her to find some other woman he could leach off of. Or of he kept doing it she should have dumped him. Something always seemed wrong, but she hid how bad things were for years.