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20 comments

Not all therapy is trauma therapy.

[–] Lilith 2 points Edited

Yup. Therapy for offenders exists too. It's very different from trauma therapy. A victim needs to be taught to value themselves. An offender needs to be taught to value others, and to acknowledge that they even are the guilty party because they don't start out accepting they've done wrong.

[–] BlackCirce 🔮🐖🐖🐖 31 points

Women tell men to go to therapy (ask them to change) in lieu of fighting them and creating a sufficient community defense. Focusing inwardly on mothers traumatizing their sons is not opposite or contradictory to telling men to go to therapy, it’s more of the same. It’s more of “men are hurting us because they are hurt and if we encourage them to get help or help them ourselves, they will stop hurting us.”

If you’ve heard the aphorism “if all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail,” it’s like that. Women’s only tool for fixing problems is loving/caring/soothing, so every problem becomes a wound or a lack of love and kindness. It’s true that women bear the responsibility for liberating ourselves from men, but that doesn’t mean trying to keep all the structures of exploitation intact (gender, marriage/prostitution, protection racket) while begging men to be nicer within them, nor does it mean trying to find some alternative form of power (the “just like them” syndrome) that is more morally comfortable for us. It means accepting men for what they are and accepting power for what it is and taking it for women’s benefit.

Women’s only tool for fixing problems is loving/caring/soothing, so every problem becomes a wound or a lack of love and kindness.

Damn, great point.

I know it’s hip to blame mothers for everything, but few children are raised in bubbles. Mothers are not the sole cause of traumatic socialization of boys, come on now.

Absolutely. I truly hate the mother-blaming I see everywhere. Even when watching programmes about serial killers, the father sometimes get a mention but the mother is almost always at fault for the killer's hatred of women because she was promiscuous, emotionally distant, too strict, insert literally anythere here. But when men are 'good' or 'successful' no one is there saying, 'wow, that mother must have raised her son well!' No, people cheer the man as an individual who took responsibility for his success. But men just cannot take responsibility for their failures or moral reprehension.

Literally, the number of times I've seen people even say the mother was "too loving".. I mean, like Hitler ffs.
There's evidence of his radicalisation as a young man, he went through the trauma of the first world war, he had an abusive father, and yet people STILL make out the reason he was a killer was because he was close to his mother and she mollycoddled him.
And yet, if she'd been distant or disinterested you know THAT would be the reason.
The same with Jimmy Saville. People always look to the relationship with the mother in order to explain the acts of the son, and whatever they find is confirmation bias; (delete as required) Mothers shouldn't have multiple relationships/be divorced/have lots of children/only have one child/be poor/be sex workers/be rich/work full time/be unemployed/be chronically ill/be religious/reject religion/be feminist/ be traditional/be strict/be easy-going with rules and they mustn't mollycoddle/dismiss/neglect/abuse/dote on/spoil their children or they'll create psychopaths.
The pure acrobatics this society does to avoid simply admitting that men are enabled and even encouraged to commit violent and hateful acts in this society. I mean, just look at TRAs, wielding their baseball bats.

men are enabled and even encouraged to commit violent and hateful acts in this society

This is the truth. It takes great strength of character (normally fostered by great mothering) for a man to reject this. No man fully rejects it.

[–] Lilith 0 points Edited

Men with childhood trauma do more commonly go on to become abusers themselves, however that's because being an abuser is modeled for them by the culture around them and often by their own fathers. This myth that is perpetuated because of misogyny couldn't be further from the truth: when it is carefully studied, the real determinant of whether a boy goes on to abuse women, depends on how his father behaved. He's clearly taking cues from the father, not the mother. These boys will blame their mothers for not protecting them from their fathers, or they will look down on the weakness of the mother and simply think less of her because of her lack of power. It is so obvious that these abusive boys are identifying with their abusive fathers.

Or they credit his father with having raised him right even though Daddy was probably a workaholic away from home for 60 hours a week and grumpy and uncommunicative when he was home.

The problem with men is not lack of love from their mothers. It's the other men socializing them and traumatizing them. Mothers are the one saving grace we have in this world. They are the only reason some men are halfway decent.

[–] furyosa MERF 11 points

Maleness IS only ever a privilege (def: 'to accord a higher value or superior position to') in a male supremacist society. A man may suffer many tragedies and traumas in life but it's not because he's living in a female supremacist society where women are systemically denying him job opportunities, bodily autonomy etc.

The way we raise males is traumatizing?!

🙄

[–] legopants 11 points Edited

Getting off free whenever you do something wrong is so traumatizing

Sitting on your ass while your mom and sisters do everything is the most severe level of physical and emotional abuse you could ever inflict on someone

My brother tried to claim me doing things for him like giving him a lift was abuse because apparently I only did it so I could ask for money. Yeah, I needed to pay for that fuel to ferry you around non-stop. That was the only thing I asked payment for

Privilege is not immunity to hardships of human life. Privileged people get cancer, autoimmune illnesses. They get attacked, robbed, mugged, murdered. They suffer child abuse, sexual abuse, physical violence.

Being privileged doesn’t mean you lived in a bubble where no harm could befall you.

But no amount of harm that a poor white child can suffer changes the fact that they are white. No amount of harm a rich person suffer changes the fact that they are rich. No amount of personal trauma that men experience can change the fact that they are men. And we don’t owe men sympathy.

Boys learn from grown men who are violent and oppressive and they just continue the cycle. Mothers can't influence their sons that much once they're past a certain. Why are women always rushing to take the blame for everything. We didn't create the patriarchy MEN did.