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Mommy Owl, @ Lhlodder

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

[–] Future Is Female 5 points

I hope her husband doesn’t read her Twitter, that was genuinely good, well-meaning advice from her grandma.

Women have always found ways to survive, despite the entire world working against us.

We are ten times more resourceful and clever than any man I've ever seen.

My grandmother told me to always have a bag packed in case I needed to leave in a hurry.

This was maybe a thing years ago but today you can't keep a secret account from your spouse. If you divorce you must disclose all of your assets. And will be penalized if you hide assets.

I have a separate account from my spouse that he cannot access. He knows all about it :)

At divorce, a woman has to declare assets. But that secret account may be what makes her able to get to divorce. Out of his control, away from him alive, able to reach safety and get decent legal representation.

That something is illegal does not mean that a woman cannot do it; it means that there may be consequences if she does, because much of law is codified to protect the interests of male property-owners. Those consequences may still be the lesser of evils.

You could do what my dad’s rich friend did that “saved” him in his divorce: be a grown adult with your big possessions and personal account joint with your mommy and daddy still so when you go to court it’s “theirs” 😑

All it takes is a quickie credit check. Everything under your SS # in the US will pop up. And weird stuff like offers on houses that never went through.

I can understand wanting to have a private account, but very few things are truly private anymore. And discovery could be bad. A coffee can in the back of the pantry is more private than a regular bank account. Or even a safe deposit box at the bank.

Which is just the normal way. I dont know any couples with merged accounts, this thread is weird to me.

Cute story. But posting it on Twitter spoils the secrecy of the secret bank account. 🤣

You're damn straight, and we need to go back to this.

This is why men don't want us talking to one another or connecting without their direct oversight. This is why they are so quick to invade our spaces and talk over us. This is why they actively foment disagreement and discord among women.

They don't want experienced, seasoned, or older women offering any kind of survival advice to younger, less seasoned, or less experienced women. They don't want us guiding and helping one another. They definitely don't want us helping lead one another out of the darkness of our "relationships" with them.

The old women in my family have cracked me up. Sadly I was too young when she died to to hear this one myself but the other women in the family say my grandma always told them not to care about a man’s looks or charm, but just to see how nice he is to you. She’d tell them “the man that shows up when he’s sick or angry is the man you’re going to marry”.

I should have listened to her. My last ex seemed so compatible with me in a lot of important ways but when he was mad he shot low blows purely out of spite, told blatant lies, always got an aggressive tone of voice and stood up to pace around like a crazy person, and threw in personal insults that weren’t even relevant half the time. He’d apologize and even cry later…but when my unplanned pregnancy happened he did behave more like that version of himself rather than the one I loved.

They don't want experienced, seasoned, or older women offering any kind of survival advice to younger, less seasoned, or less experienced women. They don't want us guiding and helping one another. They definitely don't want us helping lead one another out of the darkness of our "relationships" with them.

See the witch trails for proof of that, completely changed the the world for women, that appears to be where the patriarchal book fully pressed on the woman’s neck.

[–] Lilith 1 points Edited

witch trials were a great way to acquire property from women. So many women were targeted because they owned land, ran businesses, or had some form of independent wealth.

in some areas of the world, honor killings are used instead.

They don't want experienced, seasoned, or older women offering any kind of survival advice to younger, less seasoned, or less experienced women. They don't want us guiding and helping one another. They definitely don't want us helping lead one another out of the darkness of our "relationships" with them.

Preach!!!!! Wise words.

This is my theory on why older women are basically shunned by society/patriarchy... and why women aren’t allowed to age, but men are.

Younger women are harder to control when we have wise women supporting us and giving us sage advice.

[–] spaghettiforhair autogynophobe 9 points

Idk if I'll ever get married, but if I do, I'm keeping my finances completely separate AND I'll have a secret savings account AND a secret stash around the house. It's a weird feeling because growing up, I always dreamed of having my fairytale wedding with a man (now I'm not even straight), but now it just seems like a trap.

I don't have a "secret" stash but I definitely have my own account with my own savings. We only have a little joint account for vacation savings lol

No woman should ever enter a marriage or have-kids-with situation with a man lacking an ironclad exit plan. She must update the plan regularly and ensure that it is ready to implement at a moment's notice.

I was a full-time student, working full-time, and pregnant all at the same time. My husband offered to take care of the expenses but it was a hard "no" - what if I need a break and feel guilty because you're taking "care" of me? Also, I don't like how he shames me for how much I like spending on kitchen gadgets lmao.

Even with those things in place and other sensible planning it isn’t always easy to leave them. I’m not talking about emotional ambivalence on the part of the woman either but the fact that men are often reluctant to lose their bangmaid services.

[–] spaghettiforhair autogynophobe 5 points

Definitely. If I do ever get married to a man or woman, I won't move to a place where they can isolate me, I will go into it with a clear prenup, and I'll make sure that I will have a place to go or means to fend for myself if things ever go sour. And if they ever try to sabotage me doing either of those things, I'm running for the hills.

[–] SaintHedwig 14 points Edited

Never merge bank accounts regardless of whether you're married or not. There's no reason to. If there are shared expenses, budget and spend from separate accounts accordingly, or, make a new joint account specifically for housing and groceries.

I learned this from my mother by both listening to and watching her as she dealt with her unemployed second husband.

EDIT: Also, prenups are just as valid for women as they are for men. If you plan to have kids and take time off from work in a way that will impact your career, and he promised to pick up the slack? Get that shit in writing.

This, I know a woman who was with a guy for a few years and the MOMENT they joined bank accounts he stole all her money and moved away

You can also make a postnup in the event you didn't think about becoming a SAHM before getting married. And this applies to lesbians as well, some of the nastiest divorces I have seen have involved lesbian couples, although that is usually over child custody, child support issues.

When my ex had announced his departure already, I had several months to prepare. Grocery prices mysteriously inflated by $25 or so, carefully balanced against what savings I'd managed because I knew he never checked receipts. Got myself quite a number of groceries on him in the months following (gift cards, to be clear).

for anyone else following along, a great way to stockpile for the Great escape should you ever have to make one is taking 10 or $20 in cash at the grocery store every time you use the debit card. "cash back?" yes, please!!

Ok I'm taking this as a sign from the universe. Thank you

[–] Raea 25 points

do it! I did it and when I left my abusive marriage it saved my ass. I bailed out from that house with my dog, my bicycles and my art supplies. because I had a shoebox full of money in the bottom of my closet, I was only houseless for 3 weeks. 4 years later, I bought my own tiny farm and live here by myself with said dog and a puppy. I don't even dare to think what would have happened to me if I didn't have any money

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