I love this anecdote but would take it a step up from “what a funny old lady” to reflecting upon the evolution of women’s liberation. Grandma couldn’t own her own banking account or line of credit without her husband’s permission. Divorce was both difficult to obtain and often too painful because the children almost always were given to their fathers. Secret stashes of cash were lifelines to married women in bad marriages, and the advise of wise older women to blissful young wives who couldn’t imagine the darker days that may come likely kept many women alive. Keep passing that torch and keep it lit, ladies. This is what we do and this is why I am here.

I'm single and childless but deeply concerned for the future of my nieces. I don't think it's too far off to think we may see a future where we return to what you're talking about here. I plan on leaving what little bit of wealth I've amassed to them and can only hope they put it to wise use after I'm gone.

[–] spaghettiforhair autogynophobe 17 points

That's a very wise decision, I think. The women in my family think it's a crime that generational wealth has only belonged to men historically, my so grandmother is leaving a good sum of money to my mother and aunts (less to my uncle, but he makes well over 100K per year and has said that he would rather the money go to his sisters), and my mother plans on leaving all of her money to me, not even to my dad in the event that she passes before him, and he's perfectly okay with this.

Oh, absolutely right. My mom left hers to me and me alone (only child) because she said she knew if too many women whose estate wound up in the pockets of a much-younger second wife. Turns out my dad passed first, and in her later years suffering from dementia my mom would get so angry at me sometimes she would tear up that will and put my cousin's name in there instead.

I never worried, as my cousin is a person of high principle; when my mom passed the will said it was all for me anyway.

Unfortunately, I engaged the services of an estate planner who was unethical to say the least, and I wound up losing about $60,000.

Long story - what she did was sleazy but not technically illegal, so I never got my money back. Later she and her partner were caught in an illegal scheme and tossed out of the business. I have no idea whether either of them wound up doing any time.

If you can, you might consider talking to an attorney about a trust. I had legal insurance as a company benefit once (highly recommend it if you have an option) and it covered wills and trusts. I had legal documents drawn up outlining how money would be distributed to my minor children/their caregivers/etc. There are a lot of ways to set up funds so that their spouses can’t touch them, so if you can get in touch with a legal advisor or go down a good old fashioned internet rathole. Good luck and what a wonderful aunt you are!

Excellently put. In addition, we talk a lot about protecting women from domestic abuse, emotional abuse etc but we don’t talk about financial abuse even as it becomes more common. As more and more women enter the workforce, there is a growing need for women with high salaries to protect their earnings from an epidemic of male grifters searching to marry a working wife and stay home playing video games all day. It’s a disturbing trend in some of my social circles to see high earning women shackled to “artist” “tech freelancer” and other useless low earning men who are clearly grifting and living off their GF’s income

Grandma is right. Always have money your partner can't touch. It's self protection.

You're damn straight, and we need to go back to this.

This is why men don't want us talking to one another or connecting without their direct oversight. This is why they are so quick to invade our spaces and talk over us. This is why they actively foment disagreement and discord among women.

They don't want experienced, seasoned, or older women offering any kind of survival advice to younger, less seasoned, or less experienced women. They don't want us guiding and helping one another. They definitely don't want us helping lead one another out of the darkness of our "relationships" with them.

They don't want experienced, seasoned, or older women offering any kind of survival advice to younger, less seasoned, or less experienced women. They don't want us guiding and helping one another. They definitely don't want us helping lead one another out of the darkness of our "relationships" with them.

Preach!!!!! Wise words.

This is my theory on why older women are basically shunned by society/patriarchy... and why women aren’t allowed to age, but men are.

Younger women are harder to control when we have wise women supporting us and giving us sage advice.

They don't want experienced, seasoned, or older women offering any kind of survival advice to younger, less seasoned, or less experienced women. They don't want us guiding and helping one another. They definitely don't want us helping lead one another out of the darkness of our "relationships" with them.

See the witch trails for proof of that, completely changed the the world for women, that appears to be where the patriarchal book fully pressed on the woman’s neck.

[–] Lilith 1 points Edited

witch trials were a great way to acquire property from women. So many women were targeted because they owned land, ran businesses, or had some form of independent wealth.

in some areas of the world, honor killings are used instead.

The old women in my family have cracked me up. Sadly I was too young when she died to to hear this one myself but the other women in the family say my grandma always told them not to care about a man’s looks or charm, but just to see how nice he is to you. She’d tell them “the man that shows up when he’s sick or angry is the man you’re going to marry”.

I should have listened to her. My last ex seemed so compatible with me in a lot of important ways but when he was mad he shot low blows purely out of spite, told blatant lies, always got an aggressive tone of voice and stood up to pace around like a crazy person, and threw in personal insults that weren’t even relevant half the time. He’d apologize and even cry later…but when my unplanned pregnancy happened he did behave more like that version of himself rather than the one I loved.

[–] Researcher1536 23 points Edited

I found out recently my aunt has a bank account my uncle doesn't know about. When my best friend's mom passed, my friend and her siblings cleaned out her closets. They found several thousand dollars stuffed in her pants and coat pockets.

Ok I'm taking this as a sign from the universe. Thank you

[–] Raea 25 points

do it! I did it and when I left my abusive marriage it saved my ass. I bailed out from that house with my dog, my bicycles and my art supplies. because I had a shoebox full of money in the bottom of my closet, I was only houseless for 3 weeks. 4 years later, I bought my own tiny farm and live here by myself with said dog and a puppy. I don't even dare to think what would have happened to me if I didn't have any money

[–] SaintHedwig 14 points Edited

Never merge bank accounts regardless of whether you're married or not. There's no reason to. If there are shared expenses, budget and spend from separate accounts accordingly, or, make a new joint account specifically for housing and groceries.

I learned this from my mother by both listening to and watching her as she dealt with her unemployed second husband.

EDIT: Also, prenups are just as valid for women as they are for men. If you plan to have kids and take time off from work in a way that will impact your career, and he promised to pick up the slack? Get that shit in writing.

This, I know a woman who was with a guy for a few years and the MOMENT they joined bank accounts he stole all her money and moved away

You can also make a postnup in the event you didn't think about becoming a SAHM before getting married. And this applies to lesbians as well, some of the nastiest divorces I have seen have involved lesbian couples, although that is usually over child custody, child support issues.

[–] spaghettiforhair autogynophobe 9 points

Idk if I'll ever get married, but if I do, I'm keeping my finances completely separate AND I'll have a secret savings account AND a secret stash around the house. It's a weird feeling because growing up, I always dreamed of having my fairytale wedding with a man (now I'm not even straight), but now it just seems like a trap.

No woman should ever enter a marriage or have-kids-with situation with a man lacking an ironclad exit plan. She must update the plan regularly and ensure that it is ready to implement at a moment's notice.

Even with those things in place and other sensible planning it isn’t always easy to leave them. I’m not talking about emotional ambivalence on the part of the woman either but the fact that men are often reluctant to lose their bangmaid services.

[–] spaghettiforhair autogynophobe 5 points

Definitely. If I do ever get married to a man or woman, I won't move to a place where they can isolate me, I will go into it with a clear prenup, and I'll make sure that I will have a place to go or means to fend for myself if things ever go sour. And if they ever try to sabotage me doing either of those things, I'm running for the hills.

I was a full-time student, working full-time, and pregnant all at the same time. My husband offered to take care of the expenses but it was a hard "no" - what if I need a break and feel guilty because you're taking "care" of me? Also, I don't like how he shames me for how much I like spending on kitchen gadgets lmao.

I don't have a "secret" stash but I definitely have my own account with my own savings. We only have a little joint account for vacation savings lol

When my ex had announced his departure already, I had several months to prepare. Grocery prices mysteriously inflated by $25 or so, carefully balanced against what savings I'd managed because I knew he never checked receipts. Got myself quite a number of groceries on him in the months following (gift cards, to be clear).

for anyone else following along, a great way to stockpile for the Great escape should you ever have to make one is taking 10 or $20 in cash at the grocery store every time you use the debit card. "cash back?" yes, please!!

Women have always found ways to survive, despite the entire world working against us.

We are ten times more resourceful and clever than any man I've ever seen.

My grandmother told me to always have a bag packed in case I needed to leave in a hurry.

Cute story. But posting it on Twitter spoils the secrecy of the secret bank account. 🤣

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