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9 comments

First post here, so I hope this is the appropriate circle.

I really feel for the mother here. She's trying her best to be "supportive" of her daughter's choices, but these bits really stood out to me.

Each time they came out, it was this big deal. They were shaky and afraid, because I'm religious and they expected a big blowup. But while I'm religious, I apply my religion to myself not to others. I've taught them what I believe, but made space for them to disagree. I think they were disappointed it wasn't more dramatic, which is why the coming outs kept coming.

And

I've defaulted to they as the least likely to cause drama, but I don't think they like my overall neutrality with the whole process.

The comments are more or less what you'd expect, with a slew of deleted ones of course, but I was surprised to see this comment still standing.

I’ll be downvoted but most of the gender stuff doesn’t make sense to you because it’s based on outdated gender roles in our society. That’s why they can’t explain it well, because most of it is silly and based on regressive stereotypes. Don’t twist yourself into pretzels trying to understand. Keep loving and supporting your daughter the way you are now. We’ll be looking back at this moment in 10-15 years wondering how this became a popular trend among teenage girls, just like anorexia, cutting, etc.

I apply my religion to myself not to others.

What a good way to be religious. I never heard something like that before

My memory of this isn’t perfect, as no adult’s is. But I do have some recollection of being a teenager and pushing boundaries while being scared that I might push too far, and wondering what might happen then. I had some faith that my parents, while enforcing rules that seemed stricter than for other teens I knew, would not let that happen.

I think that the parts you highlighted, with the child’s disappointment and escalation every time mom said “meh, OK,” is that child’s way of saying “you were supposed to say that I’m perfect as I am and don’t ever need to change that. Why aren’t you saying that? Why are you letting me drive this car?”

No one was born with goth makeup or blue gender-hair. While we may experiment with identity, our parents remember the day we came into the world as bald and naked as anyone else, and need to be a reminder that no matter how far we stray from ourselves we can always go back to what’s realer than real. That person was born and exists and was never wrong no matter what they superficially mess around with.

Through all of this, they have also been dealing with serious issues like eating disorders, self harm, abuse recovery, compulsive lying, etc.

Mom and kiddo need to take several huge steps back and find a therapist or doctor who is still living and working in the Medieval period (as in, pre-gender nonsense) and get this kiddo some intensive mental health support. She's battling something serious and needs all hands on deck. idk what's going on in her life, and it doesn't really sound like mom does, either. But whatever it is, it's big, and she needs people in her court, not masking it with pseudo science.

I hope they can get her the help she needs before she ends up on a one-way road to nowhere.

I went through something similar almost ten years ago and it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to find someone, depending on where you live.

My kid was an outlier in being violent and abusive and we finally got mental health professionals to see this and recommend residential treatment. We paid through the nose for a placement consultant who found a single therapist in another state who agreed to what we proposed — setting aside the gender stuff and treating our daughter’s diagnosed and UNTREATED anxiety and depression and pointing out she was completely alienating the rest of the family and that her experiences matches no other family member’s

Shockingly, once she started to get meaningful treatment for her underlying issues, she began feeling better and started to improve. Her desistance set the stage for actual improvement. But the fact of how long she spent UNTREATED due to the capture of the mental health professions by the trans lobby did massive damage to everyone in our family.

Yeah, I see many of the comments suggested therapy, but that's my worry as well. Finding a non-gender woo therapist for a teen now has to be like finding a needle in a haystack. This is a clear cry for help and it's so upsetting.

Depending on where she lives it may be literally impossible. My jurisdiction has legal penalties for being a non-affirming therapist, and I expect we’re not alone

I side eye the one who says they were like this kid too because their family didn't make enough fuss about them being trans.