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17 comments

Her family was not very accepting, but she has largely cut them off, and that won't stop us from being together.

anyone else read that as, "following the abusers playbook,i isolated her from her family" or am i just being mean?

[–] hontrapoints [OP] 🤢🤮 15 points Edited

Yep. Yep. Yep. This dude could not possibly care less about his fiancee. I really hope she somehow stumbles across his reddit post before he actually starts cheating on her and brings her some disgusting transbian polycule STI.

First red flag is that he readily admits to having essentially caused his girlfriend to be socially isolated. Also noticeable that he claims he's very feminine, yet his post is indistuingishable from every other man on social media complaining about his girlfriend/wife.

So it sounds like she's exhausted and at her limit, and he wants to keep sponging off her while he runs off to have exciting playing pretend times with someone new who isn't sick of his shit yet and isn't worn out from carrying him.

and my fiancee has made it clear that while she doesn't have issues with poly relationships, she's too insecure to be a part of one herself

There's so much wrong with this, but this made me almost want to vomit. Maybe she just doesn't want to be poly, jackass.

I really hope OP leaves his girlfriend, so she'll no longer be disconnected from her family. I'm sure her depression and anxiety will alleviate somewhat without that narcissist hanging around her.

Ok you've isolated your gf from her family and all friends and have decided to become a huge sexist that is permanently present at her home (which you do not do any maintainence on so it's gross) becoming an inescapable burden making her deppressed. Luckily you've found other sexists to circlejerk with so break up with her

Wtf is finnsexual? I probably don't want to know.

WTF was my first thought when I saw that... I would also like to know... but kind of don't also!

[–] hontrapoints [OP] 🤢🤮 2 points Edited

Any emphasis is my (hontra) own.

Title: Trans girl seeks relationship advice [Discussion](self.mtf)

Okay, so this situation requires a lot of context, so I apologize for how long this post is.

I've been dating my cis girlfriend for several years, and about a year ago we got engaged. This was right as I was discovering myself as trans and not long after I put the pieces together. I came out to her, and she was accepting. She realized not long before that, that she is pansexual and demisexual, so I was incredibly lucky. I myself am finnsexual and that was a more recent discovery. Her family was not very accepting, but she has largely cut them off, and that won't stop us from being together. I've been incredibly lucky.

Our relationship has had some scary moments since the engagement and since our coming out to each other, but we always make sure to communicate with each other, and we work through everything on our minds. Lately, we've been having more of these kinds of moments of needing to work through some negative emotions. Ever since she cut her family out, she doesn't really have anyone to speak to aside from me, and lately we've both been dealing with some intense depression and anxiety, for a wide variety of reasons.

My job requires me to work from home, so most days I stay home while she goes to work. She has a job that is exhausting, and leaves her with no energy when she comes home. I don't get a lot of time to see her during the week, and when I do, we mostly spend it working through how much she hates life right now. This combined with our inability to keep our apartment clean, save money, and the growing political climate that hates queer people makes us very scared. Our city is a shithole, and honestly not the safest place for queer people.

I try to be more positive, and I always do my best to listen and cheer her up, but it doesn't seem like my attempts to help really do anything. Most of the time I try to reach out to her, she's completely checked out. When I ask her what's bothering her or if there's anything I can do to help, she just shrugs her shoulders and stays silent. Lately, this has been her emotional state. Even when we are able to move past that and have quality time with each other, she will suddenly be overtaken with anxiety, or go off on a rant about her job. It's all consuming for her.

The good news is that she is currently going to therapy, and she's been interviewing for other jobs, so fingers crossed that there will be good news there, though this is her third job, and she doesn't know what she could do long-term, especially as an introvert. It's just difficult. Lately, whenever I'm with her, she isn't happy, and I feel like I can't do anything to make it any better. She's very pessimistic, and often talks about just giving up and that nothing will ever change. I've been trying my hardest to give her what she needs from me, and I make sure I'm always emotionally available to speak, but honestly, I'm dealing with a lot of my own issues right now too, and I'm running out of bandwidth, especially as the only person that she see's on a daily basis who can listen to her frustrations. I'm navigating being an MtF trans girl in a part of the country that doesn't like me, and I feel so much guilt over the fact that both of our families basically hate us now because of me being trans.

I've been openly discriminated against, and I have some incredibly severe dysphoria that always catches me when I least expect it. I'm working through some trauma from my past, and I've also been going to therapy for it, but it's still hard. I know that if our financial situation were different, things would be a lot better between us, but lately I've been genuinely concerned about our relationship. We're both still confident that we love each other, and we've reiterated that no matter what happens, we will work through it together. I've always told her that my love for her has never wavered, and that's still true, but lately I feel like her negativity has been bringing me down.

Whenever I try to talk about my day, or share my interests, it feels like she doesn't seem nearly as invested. I make art and music, and whenever I ask if she wants to see it, or hear one of my songs, she usually says "another time" and then I never find a good time, and then I feel like crap because I feel like she doesn't care about my pursuits. She likes a lot of the same things, but doesn't feel any drive to do any of those things, especially since her job takes it out of her so much.

I'll be telling her about my day, and then she'll interrupt me with a thought. We spend most of our time talking about her job, and she rarely ever asks me about how my job is going, or about my friends, or takes much of an interest in what I do. She also tends to lash out (nonviolently) and gets visibly frustrated with me when I make a mistake, something I don't really do with her. I haven't been perfect either, and we've had conversations about these things. I haven't been perfect either, and we're both working on being better to each other. Of note, I'm not very good at reacting to her when she is upset, and I need to understand that it's not personal. I also need to be better about helping out around the apartment.

Still, while we've definitely been talking about our grievances, it doesn't feel like things have gotten better. I'm emotionally sensitive, and I'm still learning how to navigate transition and alleviating dysphoria, and just generally dealing with being trans. Lately we haven't really been in sync, and HRT combined with my bottom dysphoria has made intimacy nonexistent lately, though her drive also hasn't been there really due to her stress and anxiety. We're perhaps a bit too codependent, and she's dealing with a lot of self deprecation and self-esteem. She often doesn't feel worthy enough, and asks me to reassure her that I still love her.

We still want to have a wedding, and to own a house possibly someday and raise a child, but the finances make that seem impossible, and while our relationship has endured a pandemic, a gender transition, and how much growing we had yet to do when we first met, we've pushed on. I've been a lot more nervous lately, and these days, I often feel anxious when she comes home or when trying to talk to her. I'm moving forward with the hope that things will be better after our finances improve and I've gotten further along in my transition.

Recently, in an attempt to work on my mental health, I've been going to weekly group events where a lot of LGBTQ+ people go at a bookstore, and it's been really nice. I've been connecting with a lot of people there, and the trans people especially, understand me. I try to invite my fiancee, but she never has the energy to go, so our personal lives seem to be quite separate. A while back, I met a particular trans girl (who I'll refer to as Q), and we really hit it off. She was super nice to me, and we've been chatting a lot. One night we went over to her apartment, and I felt cold, so she covered me with her jacket.

This act was incredibly nice, and it felt incredibly validating to be treated this way. After hanging out for a while, she played some music for me that she wrote, and it became very clear that I was getting some strong feelings of desire. In all the time I had been on HRT, I never experienced that full body warmth that other trans girls described, but in this very moment, I felt it. I didn't follow through, and I had been upfront about my engagement. Q is also in a relationship, but it is a polyamorous relationship, and she expressed that she has a hard time understanding monogamy. My relationship with my fiancee is monogamous, and my fiancee has made it clear that while she doesn't have issues with poly relationships, she's too insecure to be a part of one herself, and she's very confident that if it weren't for me, she would never find love with anyone else, which I don't believe to be true, but that's her insecurity speaking. (She is currently reading a book with a poly romance and she's pretty into it. It's).

Ever since hanging out with Q, and with how much more we've been speaking, I can't deny the fullbody warmth I felt, and it terrifies me. I love my fiancee so much, and while things are rough right now, I don't want to lose her. I've invested so much time with her and built up so many memories. I trust her, and I know her love is genuine. If I knew she were open, I would float the idea of being poly since I've realized I myself have no issues with it, but I know she wouldn't be as thrilled, and I worry that even suggesting it would damage our relationship or worse, lead her to potential self harm. She is my priority, and I will do everything in my power to protect that at all costs, but I also can't deny the pain that I'm feeling with the current status quo, and the sheer power of that feeling I got with Q, who I'm certain would reciprocate my attraction.

There's a whole side of my attraction that I feel like I never got to explore. I would have no issues with her being physical or emotional with someone else, and even told her I wouldn't mind if she wanted to explore her sexuality when I was presenting as a cishet guy and she was discovering her pansexuality. But I know that for her, the thought of me being intimate with someone else would make her feel insecure, which she's expressed before.

I haven't done anything with Q that would upset my fiancee or be perceived as cheating, and I've been honest with my fiancee about what I've done with Q when hanging out with her. I made my relationship clear to Q also, and she's kind enough to ask about boundaries. I just haven't talked about the way Q makes me feel to my fiancee, and now I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do. I think Q can sense how she makes me feel, and I'm certain she feels the same. It's just different, and I love how we have similar interests. I love how she treats me and makes me feel like a woman.

My fiancee isn't as feminine or as interested in typically feminine things like makeup or fashion, but Q is, and it feels so validating for me to share that with someone, and for her to be invested in the things I create and to also want to collaborate with me. The warmth I felt when she put her jacket on me was so euphoric and I melt every time I think about it. I'm just not sure what to do... I'm sure the way I've written about my fiancee makes my fiancee sound meaner than she really is, and she genuinely is trying to address those grievances, and she empathizes with where I'm coming from with feeling like I'm not supported enough by her, but still... I feel like a terrible person for having these feelings about Q and wanting to be poly.

At the end of the day, I still want my fiancee to be the one who remains in my life, and I still want to have a wedding with her, but I have emotional needs that have been unfulfilled, and I've been spiraling into doom, depression, and frequent panic attacks. I can't deny the tingling fullbody warmth I felt with Q, and it feels so awful that I'm getting that from Q, and tbf, it's probably because I just met her recently so I'm feeling that rush of excitement, but still. I feel terrible knowing that I haven't felt that same warmth and fullbody desire with my fiancee post HRT, and while she acknowledges that she hasn't been emotionally available and has apologized, I don't know what the future looks like right now.

What should I do? I don't want to hurt anyone, my fiancee especially. I've been having more panic attacks freaking out trying to assess what I should do. I wish it were as simple as sharing how I feel about being poly, but I just don't know. Any advice would really help. Again, sorry this post was so long. Thank you for reading and sharing advice.

Wtf is “finnsexual”

I have no idea

[–] Carrots90 0 points Edited

I think it’s where yger to have lots of sex but don’t have to fuck dicks, except when you are in HotThot or TotallyLesbaian mode and just fantasizing