68

TW: sexual abuse

Dear male relative,

First, you are not a woman. I've protected you from my deeply held sentiment for the entirety of the 6 years you've been "out" as a guy with a lesbian fetish, but you have never felt the need to protect me from anything except attention from other males that you yourself deemed inappropriate.

I would like to list all of the ways you have made me and others uncomfortable in my life, including the times from before you went public with your nasty, homophobic fetish. I have to get it off my chest once and for all; I feel plagued by negative feelings about you and that's at least in part because it's been a taboo to speak openly about how gross you've been towards me since you decided you were female too. I think, partially, it must also be anger at the adults who were around when we were children for always accommodating your demands over anyone else's, especially my own.

Due to intense female socialization, I have never felt able to stick up for the boundaries I set that you have always seen as a personal offense, and as a kid I was literally disallowed from those boundaries due to my "responsibility" towards you as my relative. It's no coincidence that my boundaries towards you were considered a punishable offense, and it's also no coincidence that you always worked to punish me for those boundaries with emotional manipulation towards adults or other people around us.

Even as children, I did not want to be around you. I hated your guts at 5 years old. If I ever took time to myself to quietly look out the window during a car ride together, you would pull my hair or otherwise physically harm me to make sure my attention was always on you. If I cried out, I was punished for making too much noise or being a baby. If I told an adult I didn't want to spend time with you, I was being a bad relative and had to get over it and love you anyway because we were related... And because I'm female, I was the only one of the two of us to receive those messages. As a male, you were socialized to feel entitled to my attention and care, and you never made a secret of that fact or reciprocated.

At my 6th or 7th birthday, my (male) best friend smacked my butt because we were kids and played "butt tag." As an adult, I can see this game for it's innocence; there was nothing sexual about 7-year-old best friends playing tag, even though it was on the rear. To a normal 7-year-old, butts are funny. You, however, were already socialized to see your female relatives as your property and to see that kind of touch as sexual due to experiencing sexual abuse as a younger child, or being coached by a certain lying adult to say you did (we will never really know). In response, you violently attacked and choked my best friend and quickly destroyed our game (forever), but do you remember who got in trouble? It was me, for "letting" my friend touch my butt and "making" you defend me, because women are responsible for men's actions even when they're children.

When I started growing breasts, you noticed and started paying attention to them. The first time I gave you a goodbye hug while wearing my new training bra, you learned over and kissed me right on the nipple. I'll never forget the look of mischievous delight on your face, or the sinking pit of fear, disgust, and confusion in my stomach. Every hug after that found you nuzzling your face into them, hard. It wasn't subtle. As a 9-year-old, I didn't have the language to tell the adults around us that you were making me uncomfortable, but I definitely didn't want to hug you anymore. I tried a few times to assert this boundary, but you cried and screamed (like always) out of your entitlement towards my body and the adults made me let you touch my breasts with your face, because "he's your family." I don't think they knew what you were doing because I couldn't identify it verbally at that age, but they sure had a problem with me setting boundaries when it made you lose your shit and make a nuisance of yourself towards everyone. Squeaky wheel.

You also made our other female relatives uncomfortable with your inappropriate attention towards their developing breasts- I've collected a few of their stories and it paints a picture of widespread familial sexual harassment, not that I think you would ever acknowledge the harm you've done or even admit to remembering it. That time you got in trouble in school for groping a girl, and the whole family believed your story that it was a setup and bullying from other kids seems much more suspicious to me as an adult...

When you came out as having a lesbian fetish, I didn't truly understand and thought, because of media manipulation, that you were saying you were going to kill yourself if society didn't play along and treat you as if you were a woman. I put aside my negative feelings towards you, as I have been thoroughly socialized to do (women always have a duty of care to their family members simply for being family and because we are female) and attempted to show my support to prevent a suicide, in keeping with those beliefs.

You were beyond excited to tell me about how your breasts would be bigger than mine or our other female relatives who you terrorized, because your mom's were bigger than our moms'. Creep. Although you hadn't started hormones at the time, you did stuff your unnecessary sports bra with socks and proceeded to shake your chest at me (I'm not fucking calling that a shimmy) while doing a horrible nasal imitation of a female voice saying "My boobs!" Your voice shook in time with your shoulders wiggling back and forth, and it was so gross. In what world was that appropriate behavior towards your own relative? Or anyone for that matter.

Although you were wearing a bra by choice at that very moment, you couldn't help yourself from staring into my breasts while telling me how happy you were not to have been socialized to wear bras. I can only reflect upon the conversation with disgust and fury, I've got nothing else left for you. You were an adult and your constant use of ongoing trauma as a get-out-of-jail-free card falls flatter and flatter by the day when you act as though that card also entitles you to inflict trauma upon others.

You even attempted to police my sexuality by claiming that calling myself bisexual excluded trans people from my sexuality. That dogma has changed in the past few years, but Im still horrified at being told I needed to include you or anyone like you in my sexual orientation. It was yet another boundary of mine that you took personal offense to; our lifelong pattern.

You asked me lots of self-serving questions, trying to "crack my egg" because I conform to gender far less than you ever did when you were a "cis" male. Luckily, leading questions like "don't you wish you could press a button to get a different body" fall totally flat on people who are capable of loving and accepting themselves for who they are. Today, I think about how much my answers disappointed you with glee and pride. To past me: thanks for having the tiniest bit of self esteem and figuring out that self-love is the only love that is guaranteed in this world. In response to my answers, you even had the gall to tell me I didn't know who I would be in 5 years, despite the fact that I am older than you and well past the identity formation phase, because your identity has always been unstable and it's impossible for you to imagine other people being comfortable with themselves. I am proud of myself for so flatly refusing to play along with your nonsense at the time, because I remember how quickly I was able to get you to stop asking those dumb questions by only giving you answers you didn't relate to.

What else can I add to this list? How about the repetitive way you kept bringing up male lactation? You were so excited to tell me how males could take drugs and lactate too. You must have told me 4 or 5 times before I finally stopped changing the subject out of extreme discomfort and finally decided to question you. Lactating isn't something women do just for fun, I told you, and is a process that only happens in order to feed babies, so why on earth would you want to do so? The answer? To sell fetish videos on the internet. I finally realized right then exactly how regressive your view of women was, to see being female or having female bodily functions as the ticket to selling sex like you seemed to want to do so badly. But I didn't call out how shallow your views were, and I wish I had felt more comfortable to criticize... Again, that damn "be kind, especially to your family" female socialization.

God, I even brought a bag of hand-me-downs to your house to replicate the beloved clothing swap ritual I had with my actually female relatives. Big mistake; I'm traumatized. You insisted on giving me a fashion show, something I have always been thoroughly uninterested in and expressed that preference, not that my feelings could have ever mattered to you for the way in which we have both been socialized to see our relationship as one-way rather than bi-directional. For your very first outfit, you chose to wear your own skin tight stretch jersey skirt with my hand-me-down top, and you walked out with an erection. You could have decided to keep your pants on and not subjected me to the sight of the full outline of your erect penis. It was a choice you made, and a sight you decided to inflict upon me. As I was seated in a low chair, and you were standing, the image of you obsessively flicking your boner to adjust it at my eye level while facing me and speaking to me is seared into my memory. You had no shame and involved me in your exhibitionism against my will. After your disgusting fashion show, you spent a suspiciously long time in the bathroom and came out red-faced, sweaty, and slightly out of breath as soon as the toilet flushed. I think anyone reading this letter can guess why you were sweaty, you fucking pervert.

I really needed to write this out. Images of the (however minor in the grand scheme of things) abuse I experienced at your hand literally haunt me. I tried to tell my best friend of a decade about your perversion, and she repeated the word "she" every single time I used the correct pronoun for your sex. She then proceeded to give me the silent treatment for 6 months, so egregious was my wrongthink and her internalized misogyny. We don't speak at all anymore, because she believes that I don't want transgender people to have any rights (and said this to me). I guess it missed her attention that the only "right" you're asking for is to inflict your fetish upon women in public bathrooms.

Although being honest about your abuse ruined my longest lasting and strongest friendship, coming together over it has strengthened my relationship with one of my female relatives in a way I never expected. We are a united front against you, Terfmaker, and you will never be one of us or be welcome to be among us again.


Thank you if you made it this far. This was helpful for me to write out all at once; I've shared plenty in comments but making one big post feels pretty cathartic. Fuck, I hate that dude, but I think this was his eviction notice, I don't want to let him live rent-free in my head anymore.

P.S. if this belongs in GC instead please let me know and I'll delete and repost! Wasn't really certain on the best circle to post it in.

TW: sexual abuse Dear male relative, First, you are not a woman. I've protected you from my deeply held sentiment for the entirety of the 6 years you've been "out" as a guy with a lesbian fetish, but you have never felt the need to protect me from anything except attention from other males that you yourself deemed inappropriate. I would like to list all of the ways you have made me and others uncomfortable in my life, including the times from before you went public with your nasty, homophobic fetish. I have to get it off my chest once and for all; I feel plagued by negative feelings about you and that's at least in part because it's been a taboo to speak openly about how gross you've been towards me since you decided you were female too. I think, partially, it must also be anger at the adults who were around when we were children for always accommodating your demands over anyone else's, especially my own. Due to intense female socialization, I have never felt able to stick up for the boundaries I set that you have always seen as a personal offense, and as a kid I was literally disallowed from those boundaries due to my "responsibility" towards you as my relative. It's no coincidence that my boundaries towards you were considered a punishable offense, and it's also no coincidence that you always worked to punish me for those boundaries with emotional manipulation towards adults or other people around us. Even as children, I did not want to be around you. I hated your guts at 5 years old. If I ever took time to myself to quietly look out the window during a car ride together, you would pull my hair or otherwise physically harm me to make sure my attention was always on you. If I cried out, I was punished for making too much noise or being a baby. If I told an adult I didn't want to spend time with you, I was being a bad relative and had to get over it and love you anyway because we were related... And because I'm female, I was the only one of the two of us to receive those messages. As a male, you were socialized to feel entitled to my attention and care, and you never made a secret of that fact or reciprocated. At my 6th or 7th birthday, my (male) best friend smacked my butt because we were kids and played "butt tag." As an adult, I can see this game for it's innocence; there was nothing sexual about 7-year-old best friends playing tag, even though it was on the rear. To a normal 7-year-old, butts are funny. You, however, were already socialized to see your female relatives as your property and to see that kind of touch as sexual due to experiencing sexual abuse as a younger child, or being coached by a certain lying adult to say you did (we will never really know). In response, you violently attacked and choked my best friend and quickly destroyed our game (forever), but do you remember who got in trouble? It was me, for "letting" my friend touch my butt and "making" you defend me, because women are responsible for men's actions even when they're children. When I started growing breasts, you noticed and started paying attention to them. The first time I gave you a goodbye hug while wearing my new training bra, you learned over and kissed me right on the nipple. I'll never forget the look of mischievous delight on your face, or the sinking pit of fear, disgust, and confusion in my stomach. Every hug after that found you nuzzling your face into them, hard. It wasn't subtle. As a 9-year-old, I didn't have the language to tell the adults around us that you were making me uncomfortable, but I definitely didn't want to hug you anymore. I tried a few times to assert this boundary, but you cried and screamed (like always) out of your entitlement towards my body and the adults made me let you touch my breasts with your face, because "he's your family." I don't think they knew what you were doing because I couldn't identify it verbally at that age, but they sure had a problem with me setting boundaries when it made you lose your shit and make a nuisance of yourself towards everyone. Squeaky wheel. You also made our other female relatives uncomfortable with your inappropriate attention towards their developing breasts- I've collected a few of their stories and it paints a picture of widespread familial sexual harassment, not that I think you would ever acknowledge the harm you've done or even admit to remembering it. That time you got in trouble in school for groping a girl, and the whole family believed your story that it was a setup and bullying from other kids seems much more suspicious to me as an adult... When you came out as having a lesbian fetish, I didn't truly understand and thought, because of media manipulation, that you were saying you were going to kill yourself if society didn't play along and treat you as if you were a woman. I put aside my negative feelings towards you, as I have been thoroughly socialized to do (women always have a duty of care to their family members simply for being family and because we are female) and attempted to show my support to prevent a suicide, in keeping with those beliefs. You were beyond excited to tell me about how your breasts would be bigger than mine or our other female relatives who you terrorized, because your mom's were bigger than our moms'. Creep. Although you hadn't started hormones at the time, you did stuff your unnecessary sports bra with socks and proceeded to shake your chest at me (I'm not fucking calling that a shimmy) while doing a horrible nasal imitation of a female voice saying "My boobs!" Your voice shook in time with your shoulders wiggling back and forth, and it was so gross. In what world was that appropriate behavior towards your own relative? Or anyone for that matter. Although you were wearing a bra by choice at that very moment, you couldn't help yourself from staring into my breasts while telling me how happy you were not to have been socialized to wear bras. I can only reflect upon the conversation with disgust and fury, I've got nothing else left for you. You were an adult and your constant use of ongoing trauma as a get-out-of-jail-free card falls flatter and flatter by the day when you act as though that card also entitles you to inflict trauma upon others. You even attempted to police my sexuality by claiming that calling myself bisexual excluded trans people from my sexuality. That dogma has changed in the past few years, but Im still horrified at being told I needed to include you or anyone like you in my sexual orientation. It was yet another boundary of mine that you took personal offense to; our lifelong pattern. You asked me lots of self-serving questions, trying to "crack my egg" because I conform to gender far less than you ever did when you were a "cis" male. Luckily, leading questions like "don't you wish you could press a button to get a different body" fall totally flat on people who are capable of loving and accepting themselves for who they are. Today, I think about how much my answers disappointed you with glee and pride. To past me: thanks for having the tiniest bit of self esteem and figuring out that self-love is the only love that is guaranteed in this world. In response to my answers, you even had the gall to tell me I didn't know who I would be in 5 years, despite the fact that I am older than you and well past the identity formation phase, because your identity has always been unstable and it's impossible for you to imagine other people being comfortable with themselves. I am proud of myself for so flatly refusing to play along with your nonsense at the time, because I remember how quickly I was able to get you to stop asking those dumb questions by only giving you answers you didn't relate to. What else can I add to this list? How about the repetitive way you kept bringing up male lactation? You were so excited to tell me how males could take drugs and lactate too. You must have told me 4 or 5 times before I finally stopped changing the subject out of extreme discomfort and finally decided to question you. Lactating isn't something women do just for fun, I told you, and is a process that only happens in order to feed babies, so why on earth would **you** want to do so? The answer? To sell fetish videos on the internet. I finally realized right then exactly how regressive your view of women was, to see being female or having female bodily functions as the ticket to selling sex like you seemed to want to do so badly. But I didn't call out how shallow your views were, and I wish I had felt more comfortable to criticize... Again, that damn "be kind, especially to your family" female socialization. God, I even brought a bag of hand-me-downs to your house to replicate the beloved clothing swap ritual I had with my actually female relatives. Big mistake; I'm traumatized. You insisted on giving me a fashion show, something I have always been thoroughly uninterested in and expressed that preference, not that my feelings could have ever mattered to you for the way in which we have both been socialized to see our relationship as one-way rather than bi-directional. For your very first outfit, you chose to wear your own skin tight stretch jersey skirt with my hand-me-down top, and you walked out with an erection. You could have decided to keep your pants on and not subjected me to the sight of the full outline of your erect penis. It was a choice you made, and a sight you decided to inflict upon me. As I was seated in a low chair, and you were standing, the image of you obsessively flicking your boner to adjust it at my eye level while facing me and speaking to me is seared into my memory. You had no shame and involved me in your exhibitionism against my will. After your disgusting fashion show, you spent a suspiciously long time in the bathroom and came out red-faced, sweaty, and slightly out of breath as soon as the toilet flushed. I think anyone reading this letter can guess why you were sweaty, you fucking pervert. I really needed to write this out. Images of the (however minor in the grand scheme of things) abuse I experienced at your hand literally haunt me. I tried to tell my best friend of a decade about your perversion, and she repeated the word "she" every single time I used the correct pronoun for your sex. She then proceeded to give me the silent treatment for 6 months, so egregious was my wrongthink and her internalized misogyny. We don't speak at all anymore, because she believes that I don't want transgender people to have any rights (and said this to me). I guess it missed her attention that the only "right" you're asking for is to inflict your fetish upon women in public bathrooms. Although being honest about your abuse ruined my longest lasting and strongest friendship, coming together over it has strengthened my relationship with one of my female relatives in a way I never expected. We are a united front against you, Terfmaker, and you will never be one of us or be welcome to be among us again. -------------- Thank you if you made it this far. This was helpful for me to write out all at once; I've shared plenty in comments but making one big post feels pretty cathartic. Fuck, I hate that dude, but I think this was his eviction notice, I don't want to let him live rent-free in my head anymore. P.S. if this belongs in GC instead please let me know and I'll delete and repost! Wasn't really certain on the best circle to post it in.

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23 comments

I'm so sorry this unstable perv is in your family. I'm so sorry you had to grow up constantly dealing with his bullshit with no help from adults. Your points about male vs. female socialization are SPOT ON. So much of womanhood and the female experience comes from realizing that we as little girls are not at all the same a little boys, and trans "women" will never understand that. Good for you for sticking to your guns and not budging on your core beliefs. May you some day be free to cut all contact with this scrote.

Your points about male vs. female socialization are SPOT ON.

Ah this gives me life, thank you for saying that. And I am free now! Truly, I probably won't ever hear from him or see him again. Big freaking relief. Now to free myself from the double yokes of female socialization and trauma lol. Thank you again for your uplifting words!

[–] Amareldys 5 points Edited

Are you sharing it with?

If you do not I hope you will at least share it with a female relative

I really think your parents need to see this. They need to know how their actions have affected you

But I get it if you don’t want to

Without going into too much more detail, it truly would make no difference to share it with them, unfortunately. They're not capable of understanding because of mental decline/mental illness. I shared it with the female relative who I've gotten much closer with though, and she got it and sees me.

I am glad you are seen

Thank you! The person I really want to send this to is the former best friend I mentioned towards the end, but I don't think it will do anything because she's pretty invested in the idea of being on the "right side" of history. Not really sure how to approach that and I think I just have to let the friendship go

Thanks for sharing this, I absolutely hate that you had to go through it. I hope it brings you peace and you never have to see this creep again.

Thank you very much. I feel more peaceful, slightly less repressed lol. I don't think I will ever have to see him again, whew that's a relief to type :)

Loathsome scumbag, his actions are damning, disgusting, unforgivable. If it were me, I would be tempted to send this to every member of my family that defended him, to show them exactly the monster they were defending. I hate this disgusting male monster on your behalf. May he feel the hate and disgust towards him every time he meets a woman.

He sounds absolutely vile and disgusting. I'm sorry you were subjected to his presence for so many years

That was hard to read, because I relate so much. I also had a perverted male relative who was sexually obsessed with me. I cut that asshole out of my life as soon as I was out of the house and never looked back. It's almost 20 years since I've heard his voice and I still get queasy thinking about him. I've forbidden my parents to speak his name in my presence, which they do honor (but also I'm not allowed in their house in case he's over there!)

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I hate how disgusting men are. I hate how many girls are sexually harassed, molested or raped by their own male family members. Men are worse than useless. Many of them can't even be normal to their own flesh and blood. Disgusting.

I'm sorry it was hard to read, and I'm even more sorry you can relate. I'm really glad to hear you also cut your pervy relative out of your life, though. It feels good to be free of their direct influence, even if I completely relate to feeling queasy when I hear anything about him.

Thank you very much for writing, it means a lot to me to hear from other women who can relate.

<3 hugs from me to you, from one person abused within their own family to another. I see you.This male pig is a hollow shell parading as a person and you saw that from when you were young. unfortunately men generally get worse the older they get and the pornsickness of males today is disgusting. None of that was your fault. feel free to pm me.

Thank you. And that really means a lot coming from someone who gets it. Although I always knew he made me uncomfortable, I don't think I fully understood it was abuse until more recently after putting together the whole pattern. It makes me question my reaction, like I'm unjustified in having it because I didn't fully understand in the past... Which really doesn't make sense and is definitely me blaming myself. Thank you for knowing what to say. I might take you up on the PM

You are completely justified in your reaction. You may not have pieced together the full picture when you were younger (how could you? you were a child) but you had an instinctive gut reaction that the way you two were treated by the adults, and the way he acted towards you, was wrong and unjust. You can feel proud of that. Also just because someone doesn't realise they are being abused doesn't mean the abuse didn't happen and you were very well aware at the time that he was making you feel uncomfortable. You have absolutely no reason to feel any guilt or shame. That's his to carry.

I'm so sorry you've been through all this, an abusive male relative and an abusive family that facilitates his sexual harassment of you, blames you and excuses him. I hope you can get away from him and everyone enabling him and never look back. He's a disgusting, predatory pig and was a disgusting, predatory piglet.

This piece of shit should be in an all-male locked ward for the criminally insane for the rest of his worthless life. I hope you never have to encounter him in any way ever again.

I’m so incredibly sorry you went through that.

My family of origin didn’t involve TIM craziness, but I recognize the quiet abuse/socialization you describe. It’s awful. I wish you strength in healing from this, and I hope you don’t have to put up with that cretinous creep ever again.

And I wish him a raging and untreatable case of pruritis ani.

And I wish him a raging and untreatable case of pruritis ani.

HA!!!!! Oh my lawdy that made me laugh. You're a hoot. I actually knew what that was because I can never stop googling literally every sensation Ive ever experienced lmfaooo. Can't stop because that's how I found gender critical in the first place ;)

Thank you for the well wishes. I do believe I'm finally fully free of that perv, barring unexpected funerals that I doubt our family could afford anyway haha.

Edit: as for the quiet abuse, I'm really sorry you can relate but thank you for giving me the appropriate phrasing. It means so much to me to hear from other women who can relate.

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