Just feeling pretty down and out and need to vent.
My faculty recently had reviews - various admin popping in to observe performance for 5-15 minutes. Concerns over safety were dismissed (Covid is currently in our work community and increased mixing of bodies could increase transmission even more). We were told that those evaluating would be standing just in the doorway, so we needn't worry. This was not the case - some evaluators came and walked around the room, even sitting right next to students - yes, they had their mask on, however we have been instructed not to cross the 2m line that has been marked in our rooms and to maintain distance whenever possible.
Anyways, I received a fairly bad evaluation. I know this happens, obviously, and I know there are always things to work on. I do, however, have frustrations with my feedback, as I feel it was quite harsh for the not even 10 minutes I was observed, nor did it take into account the various factors affected by Covid-19, plus the feedback did not contain a lot of, if any, constructive notes.
I'm frustrated because the recommended colleagues to work with to improve are all men. They are good at what they do, don't get me wrong. However, there is a difference in how men and women are perceived when they walk in a room, how students respond to the presence of men versus women, especially where I work. So, while there are things to be learned, some of it, a lot of it, feels unhelpful because it relies on the way men are perceived by others, on being able to walk into a room and be seen immediately as the authority. My female colleagues were not even mentioned as colleagues I could work with - both have been in the profession for nearly twice as long as my male colleagues, yet were not even acknowledged for their experience or wisdom.
I feel upset that the go-to model for success is men. Its not like I didn't know this, as I have experienced the 'just model exactly what this man does' many times in my life. I'm just so tired of it. So tired of 'if you only acted more like a man, you would be taken more seriously'. 'If you only spoke to people this way (like a man) you would be so much better.' Yet attempts to do these things get called out as being unpleasant, rude, unsettling, etc. Its exhausting.
I haven't shared any of this with my partner because I feel so ashamed for receiving such a poor review. Which I know is ridiculous, but I can't shake it. I've never had such a strong reaction to negative feedback/criticism before. I've felt upset or disappointed in myself before, though usually I'm quick to look at what I can do to improve and see it as an important part of life and the road to improvement. This time I just feel so small and powerless. I've tried incorporating the recommendations from my male colleague, but it feels so wrong, so uncomfortable; I feel like I don't recognize myself, but I know that it will make my future evaluations much better because it is having the desired results. I've raised this concern in as polite and professional way possible, but its not taken seriously because 'if you just do it this way for a while, you will eventually be able to return to who you want to be'. I know its important to be improving, but surely there is a way to improve whilst staying true to what comes naturally - does that even make sense? I'm worried I'm just being overly sensitive or confident in 'my ways' or something and that's why I'm having a negative reaction.
Anyways, if you read all of this, thank you. x