I just got diagnosed with a serious disease. It’s in the early stages because I caught it myself, and I pushed for tests.
This is the second autoimmune disease I’ve been diagnosed with in the last four years. This one is much more serious.
My autoimmunity started after I suffered from acute PTSD for a year after rape and abuse by a man I dated.
I’ve also been in a really unhappy relationship for the past two years that did a number on my self-esteem. It took until last night to realize it wasn’t just being on the spectrum that made my ex-boyfriend spectacularly hurtful, seemingly without meaning to be, but his active resentment of women, after being deeply hurt by his ex-wife. He also has huge difficulty articulating his emotions, so he didn’t know how to say he was scared or unsure what he wanted, or felt we were moving fast; or anything else. He never knows how to articulate his feelings of confusion; instead, he takes it out on me. He’s also very sweet and loves me, but frankly, the way he hurt me when we dated, after a very sweet friendship in which he was very kind and also romantic- something he later denied- the particular way he made me feel bad, about my looks, was really inexcusable, knowing what I’d just been through, and what a tremendous risk I was taking, trusting him. And he knew.
Now, in a cruel coincidence, part of this disease is affecting my looks, specifically my face. It can even cause brain lesions, though that’s unusual. The systemic kind- which I do have the symptoms of, and is why I’ve been sick, when my Hashimoto’s seems to be getting better- can make you really, really sick, and even be fatal. Or it could be minor, and it will be fine.
I may have to take immunosuppressants. I am worried about that, what with the side effects and also the pandemic.
I am worried about how much hard work I have to do soon to survive. What if I’m not feeling well?
I’m very angry with the rapist. He has also raped or otherwise abused or assaulted many other women. Nothing has been done about him. He’s still walking around a free man, like most of his brethren.
Meanwhile, now PTSD is understood as a brain/body disease. It raises cytokines considerably, causing inflammation in the body, predisposing the sufferer to all sorts of diseases, particularly autoimmune diseases and cancer.
I’m pretty angry, and more than a little discouraged.
I could some support, advice, encouragement, commiseration, or anything positive or uplifting, really.
I am looking forward to the future. I am moving, and making some big changes in my life right now. I want to try to be positive.
I am also staying on top of my tests and healthcare, and doing everything I can to reverse this disease.
Please help me be positive! I want to recover from this with no harm done.