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edited now.:

Because it's embarrassing to have things like that public for me, but I want to say thank you to all of you. It probably seems impersonal to not respond individually and I'm sorry for that. I feel genuine support from women here, all over this site, and I couldn't be happier this place exists, I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do. Thanks to mods and admins as well for keep this place going. Women everywhere are very important to me and I feel sisterhood even for those who dislike me or feel I'm against them. I want a different life and a less painful body and I can't get that if I just give up. I really appreciate each and every one of you and all of your suggestions and willingness to help. i dont think I'll ever be able to go through with y'know what, because if I do, I'll feel like the men who've hurt me and caused the majority if not all of this pain, will have won. And I have too much rightful anger to fight against that and for all of use who have been harmed as well. again I appreciate and love all of you and thanks again because I tried so many apps, sites, and irl people last night and had no responses whatsoever. I don't mean "small responses I didn't like/didn't help", I mean actually zero responses. you're all wonderful.

edited now.: Because it's embarrassing to have things like that public for me, but I want to say thank you to all of you. It probably seems impersonal to not respond individually and I'm sorry for that. I feel genuine support from women here, all over this site, and I couldn't be happier this place exists, I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do. Thanks to mods and admins as well for keep this place going. Women everywhere are very important to me and I feel sisterhood even for those who dislike me or feel I'm against them. I want a different life and a less painful body and I can't get that if I just give up. I really appreciate each and every one of you and all of your suggestions and willingness to help. i dont think I'll ever be able to go through with y'know what, because if I do, I'll feel like the men who've hurt me and caused the majority if not all of this pain, will have won. And I have too much rightful anger to fight against that and for all of use who have been harmed as well. again I appreciate and love all of you and thanks again because I tried so many apps, sites, and irl people last night and had no responses whatsoever. I don't mean "small responses I didn't like/didn't help", I mean actually *zero* responses. you're all wonderful.

12 comments

Legopants, I'm so sorry. I assume you're in the US because of your comment on insurance? I know this might sound odd, but even if you're not at risk of domestic violence, you could call a women's shelter in your area primarily because they have resources at their fingertips to help women in crisis, like phone numbers, transportation and 24/hour therapists. Plus, I believe the women who answer the phones tend to be particularly empathetic. Peace, sister.

I don't know what exactly to say beyond that I'm witnessing you and that I'm sorry this all sucks so much right now.

Beyond that, I'm glad you're still here ❤️

One coping skill ive learned is to write everythung out in a journal. Not type, but hand writing. Also emdr, the side to side eye movements really help regulate emotions.

I've found binaural beats helpful, too. I used sbagen to program an imitation version of Holosync. Before that I found a free sample online of something else that was magic to my starving brain.

I can definitely relate to these feelings. I know you said you don't want someone to just say "I'm here" and then disappear, but do feel free to message me on here for contact info. I am very active on other platforms and would love to chat about deep stuff, or just pets or GC issues or anything.

I feel you. Reminds me of last spring when I was walking on a road next to passing cars thinking how easy it would be to end it all here and there.

I know nothing about you, but what helped me was clinging to the fact that I can disappear any day... I can take the cheapest train somewhere, introduce myself under a different name and start again, unburdened by the mess I've done before. I imagined myself doing the Workaway programme somewhere far away when nobody knows me. Maybe what you need is to escape from the current life, not into death, but into a different one.

I used to get into bouts like this when I was younger, and it got better by the time I was 30, and less frequent as I aged. I don't know how old you are, but you sound young to me. I hope it passes for you like it did for me.

There are more options for therapy today than there used to be. Pretty sure with COVID most sessions are now online anyway, and you can find a therapist online much more inexpensively than you used to be able to. It did help me to talk to one even for a session or two when I was feeling down. In fact, I think I only did like three sessions at most for any given depression/anxiety episode before I felt in control again. I honestly just needed to vent about my problems to someone who would not judge me, and who could sympathetically push me in the right direction.

Seriously, I would look into Everly Well or whatever that service is that they advertise on TV all the time. Even if it's $100/hour out of pocket, that is worth your life and mental health, surely?

I hear you ❤️

What you’re going through sounds so so painful and exhausting. I’m so glad you’re still here though.

I can relate a bit to how you feel. The frustration of being unable to get the right help and going around in circles is agonising.

The other replies here have some really great advice, and I hope so much that it will help you. Keep talking to us.

I'm so sorry you're suffering in this way. Possibly illegal (I'm not a lawyer) but hypothetically you could apply to medicare as a pregnant woman (no proof of pregnancy required as far as I know) and then go to the emergency room and seek treatment in a facility...just throwing out ideas... If you do have insurance, you can also go to the emergency room and they will find you a treatment center.

Stay with us sister <3. We see you, we hear you, we love you.

Legopants - first of all, I love your username, even though I imagine pants made of Lego would suck road.

I obviously don't know you and/or your life, yet I am very certain that the world is better with you in it.

Being in pain, like you seem to be, is awful. The way I understand the US, where I assume you live, it's impossible to get (mental) health care unless you are very wealthy, right? However, every doctor can prescribe antidepressants. 100 pills of Lexapro 10 mg in Germany, when paid out of pocket, cost around 11 euro, so I'm assuming, it would be about the same. ADs will not cure you or make your life great, but they may help you with this pain and put you in a position in which you will not only be able to come up with further plans but also help you to put those plans into action.

A person i love very much once told me, that her only reason to carry on in such a situation was that she didn't want to die unhappily. It made a lot of sense. She was a mess, frankly. The ADs kicked in fast, the first weeks were worse, because the drive returned while she was still super sad, but after about three weeks, she was capable of remembering stuff she liked doing and things kind of came together. I would not call her a ray of sunshine, but she is moderately happy.

Legopants, I'm sending you warmth and wishes of peace. I really hope you will give us (the world) one more chance and consider ADs. Because it's better with you.