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I've been reading Matriarchal Societies by Dr. Heide Goettner-Abendroth. Here's what I've learned:

  1. Matriarchies are peaceful, egalitarian societies. Women hold power in matriarchy, but do not abuse their power over men the way they have done to us.

  2. We need to become matriarchal.

So how do we do that? Here's the changes we need to make.

Relatively easy to implement:

Matriarchies are matrilineal. This means you need to keep your own name. I know, this creates a dilemma because many of us don't particularly like our surname. They're all our father's names, anyway. It can be tempting to take a male partner's name, if it sounds slightly better, and we find him more pleasant than our father and his lineage.
So what I recommend is that you make your own name instead. Hyphenation is not enough, and it can become a pain in the ass to have to constantly explain/spell your hyphenated last name. Make a new name with meaning to you, and refuse to take a husband's last name. No exceptions. If anything, he can take your name. Any of your children also take your last name (unless you marry a woman, in which case the two of you can decide which name to go with.)
If you can, upon your passing, leave your wealth and belongings to one or more of your daughters. Especially your house. Power is always safer in female hands.

Matriarchies are matrilocal. Do not move into a husband's house. Do not move in with his family. You never want to be in a position of losing your home and your life if your relationship fails. You want to have the safety of removing a man from your home if he becomes dangerous. I shouldn't have to explain here on Ovarit how men are almost always bigger and stronger and more violent than women. This is not about hurting men, this is about keeping ourselves in a position of protection and safety.
If you feel inclined to live separately from any male partner, this is even better.

In matriarchy, the maternal "family of origin" do more childcare than the husband. In practice, this means the maternal uncle(s) become the primary male figure in your children's lives, moreso than the father. If your brother(s), mother(s), and sister(s) are good people, involve them in your children(s) life as much as possible. Try to live near them, or even live with them. It takes a village to raise a child, and if circumstance has not denied you this natural familial support, please do utilize it.
If you are an aunty or grandma yourself, please help your female family member with her children as much as possible. Love them like your own children.

In matriarchy, children support their mother. I don't know how to implement this so easily in patriarchy, but in matriarchal societies, typically there is a female head-of-the-household and everyone gives their resources/earnings to her, which she redistributes to the family as needed. In practice, consider charging rent to any adult relatives who live with you (children over age of 18, a sister or brother, etc.) If you still live with your mother, try to pay rent to her.
Especially charge rent to those NEET incel sons. No more free rides to "special baby boys." You don't have to kick them out, they'll just become another woman's problem. But no more coddling. Make Them Pay You!!

Keep the money in female hands. Men have proven time and time again that when they are able to amass wealth, they use it to enslave and abuse women. Shop at woman-owned businesses. Use a female doctor, lawyer, house painter. Pay the women in your life for their services.

For Goddess's sake, love your daughters. Don't teach/expect them to depend on a male partner. Don't expect them to move into their male partner's house. Let them live with you as long as possible, give them every advantage in life. Do expect them to pay you a reasonable rent, especially if they are childless. But don't threaten to kick them out constantly, and do participate in childcare if they have children. For fuck's sake, go easy on them. Don't make comments about their weight or their appearance, don't interrogate them about their dating habits. Protect them from men. Warn them about men from a young age, not just "stranger danger" but the men and boys in their own personal life. Most SA is committed by a man/boy who is personally known to the woman/girl, after all.
Compliment them for their accomplishments and hard work. Let them be loud. Let them sing, let them joke and laugh loudly. Is she really being "rude," or is she simply making intelligent observations about the world around her? Resist the urge to play "alpha female" through punishing/dominating the "weaker" women and girls around you. Patriarchy encourages women to get their sense of power and status through the subjugation of other women and girls. This is not the way. Your daughters are your legacy, your daughters are your life.
Likewise teach your children to respect their grandmother, aunts, and other women who are worthy. Resist the urge to bond with others over the "trashing" of undeserving women and girls. Trash the rapists, trash the woman-bashers. Resist the urge to judge women more harshly than men who commit the same "sins."

(Edit: Here's a couple I almost forgot,)
Do not reproduce with aggressive men. This is a bit obvious, but if you know a man to be short-tempered, aggressive, or violent, don't make babies with him. This includes guys who are into "safe" forms of aggression such as MMA and violent videogames. The goal is to breed out the warrior gene, aka the patriarchy gene, which only affects men. I don't care how "hot" you think he is. Do not make babies with this man. The world does not need his obsolete violent impulses. He is not your provider, you don't need a strong husband. He will not be plowing your fields or working as your bodyguard. If you want to have children, when selecting their biological father, pick the gentlest and most patient man you know. Pick a man who is kind to his nieces and nephews, sisters and mother and grandmother.
This applies to lesbians (and any other women) looking for sperm donors, as well.

Do not go visit your man. You never want to be in a position of being kicked out of a man's house if you don't bow to his will, or having his family members coordinate against you. Make him come visit you, where you can kick him out of your house if need be, and be protected by your own family members. Especially your brothers. This is the true purpose of men's strength, protecting their family members from other men. Teach your sons to always protect their sisters, and you, their mother.

Do not be overly critical of women who do not perfectly embody matriarchy. And this includes yourself. We're all doing our best out here.

Lactivism, intactivism, and birth activism are your friend. It's beyond the scope of this post, but the baby formula industry and medical-industrial birth complex are designed to strip us of our natural mothering tools and leave us impoverished, traumatized, and dependent on patriarchal corporations. Circumcision is a barbaric male initiation ritual designed to artificially bond men with a larger "male tribe" instead of their natural bond with their mother and sisters. Decreased sexual function leaves men in a state of perpetual sexual frustration and heightened aggression, and they project that frustration onto the women in their lives.
Again, do not shame mothers for being unable to breastfeed, or for giving birth in a hospital instead of at home with a female birthworker. Birth and lactation are natural processes which depend on a lack of stress hormones and an observation of modeled behavior. In plain English, when you've never seen a woman nurse a baby in your life, it's fucking hard to do. When it's illegal to nurse your baby in public, or you're terrified of giving birth because you've heard horror stories about women abused by doctors during labor, your body shuts down your lactation/labor because it thinks there's a fucking tiger nearby and you need to run away.
Patriarchy loves mother-shaming. Please do not participate in this twisted passtime. That being said, pay your lactation consultant. Pay your birthworker. Nurse in public, if you're able to do so safely.

Celebrate female authors, musicians, and artists of all kinds. Surround yourself with female culture and accomplishment. After all, we invented this shit. Don't let your children grow up only celebrating male "genius," only hearing male vocals in music. Compliment women and take their work seriously.

Get involved with local politics. Go to town meetings. Join local committees which are relevant to you, such as "friends of the library" or "keeping Abbeville bikeable" or "friends of the trees."

Value your belongings and property. While men are encouraged to hoard wealth and property as a symbol of success and value, women are more often taught that to value our material posessions is "capitalist," "narcissistic," "male behavior," etc.
While it's true that hoarding wealth is egotistical, resources will always be safer in female hands. Even if you don't believe in land ownership, for example, land will be safer in your hands than the hand of a man. If you can't return a piece of land to public ownership, consider keeping fighting to keep it in the hands of women. Even among the San people, an African hunter-gatherer culture with strong matriarchal roots, women are able to own land and property. Don't let them continue to weaponize anti-greed in order to keep power out of female hands.
Instead of viewing your wealth and property as "personal glorification," consider yourself as the designated guardian of these gifts from fate. It doesn't make you a despot, it makes you an important community leader. It's not greedy to value your home, your belongings, and your money, and to expect your assets to be respected by other people. More specifically, no one is entitled to demand your free labor, access to your home/money, or to expect you to abandon your home or belongings for the benefit of someone else.
Likewise teach your daughters that their belongings really do belong to them. She's not being "greedy" if she refuses to allow her screaming baby brother to play with her treasured, fragile, lego submarine base. You're not "teaching her generosity" by taking her belongings from her, you're teaching her "there's no point in trying to build anything, belongings are transient. I can never keep anything for myself, so what's the point of trying to earn anything?"
Of course generosity is important with people you trust. It's time we started being wisely generous, with our sisters and mothers and aunts and female friends. It's time we stopped being overly generous with ungrateful men, and stopped punishing other women who refuse to be treated like public resources.
(And of course, resist any temptation to get your resources at the expense of other women. This isn't about becoming hyper-competitive "male-identified" girl bosses. I'm aware any time an attempt is made to create a positive change in society, patriarchy tries to flip it into yet another attack on women.)

Help other women. Patriarchy teaches us that "helping a woman is wrong because it means you don't think she's strong enough to take care of it on her own." Meanwhile men have an absolutely monopoly on each other's help, from book reviews to music sales to protecting rapists without question. They have a steel-solid support network for other men, all while promoting the myth of the "self-made man who simply had a small loan of $1 million from his father." Strength comes from numbers. We must help one another, when possible.

If you like men, consider dating younger men. In matriarchy, the woman is usually the older one in a heterosexual couple.

Celebrate the female life stages, aka menarche, "motherhood" and menopause. You don't have to take it super literally, i.e. you can have a womanhood celebration for your daughter at age 18, not necessarily at the time of her actual first period. You can have a "congratulations on becoming a fully mature woman with a brain that's finished growing" celebration at age 30, without making it a "motherhood" celebration per se. If you're witchy, you can even have a "moontime" ritual/gathering at the new moon each month, which is traditionally said to be the time when the women would menstruate. Historically menstruatrion was the time when women would gather together in their designated female-only space where they would exchange secrets, knowledge and insights they were having about the world, rest and kick back, work on crafts, and just generally make menstruation into an important time of female solidarity and power, as well as rest, recuporation, and self-care.

Support and celebrate female-only spaces and/or separatism. These should be available to all women.

Try to have fewer children, if possible. Matriarchies are not endless-growth economies, but are more often intentionally maintained in smaller, more manageable communities. Of course not all of us have control over the number of children we have, and many of us are here on Ovarit are already childfree by choice. That being said, if you prefer to have few/no children, rest assured you're perfectly in line with the matriarchal way of life. But if you do have many children, that's fine too because you'll have more support in a matriarchal society. Because women are in control of their own lives and making their own reproductive choices, the population will be maintained easily and respectfully through the educated choices of individual women. No need for shame on either side, is what I'm saying. Matriarchies are mother-centered societies, but no woman is pushed into motherhood against her will, because motherhood is taken seriously and respected.

(End edit)

Potentially more tricky to implement:

In matriarchy, children typically live with their mother into adulthood, continuing to give her their resources and support. This level of involvement in your family is not always so easy for modern women. But please do try. It's really not natural the way we've been taught to treat our relatives like strangers. A close-knit family is really what we're aiming for. Of course there are exceptions for toxic and abusive relatives. If they're not going to support the peaceful, matriarchal way of life, they don't need to be involved.

Do not expect to rely on your husband or his family. If you need help, try to rely on your own mother, sisters or brothers, aunts or uncles. Your own family is your legacy, not some male outsider.

Your husband can come live with you in your, or your mother's, house if you really want him to. But this is not necessary. Feel free to change male partners as often as you wish, for any reason you wish. If a man does not contribute to your happiness, you have absolutely no obligation to spend time with him. Let his own mother, aunts and uncles deal with his shit.

It's better to be a "single mother" than to couple with a shithead, but our society is built in such a way to actively punish uncoupled mothers. Family members who should be participating in childcare are absent. Social stigma is rampant. The changes I'm describing will be hardest for the first generation of matriarchal women. Please do your best. "Single mothers" are already required to become warriors, we might as well fight toward an end to the struggle. Patriarchy punishes women in order to keep them dependent on men.

In general, matriarchies are "gift economies." Studies have suggested that when attempting to help someone, a well-planned gift actually works better than cash, because a gift must be used for its intended purpose. The exception to this would be overseas famine and natural disasters, where money is more practical.
In general, try to help people via well-planned and useful gifts rather than throwing cash at people. Not only will it be more beneficial to the people in your life, but it will also make people less motivated to take advantage of you.

Try to celebrate the seasons. Building strong, close-knit matriarchal communities will be much better and easier if we actually have free time to connect with each other, our (maternal) families, female friends, and the Earth. There is nothing revolutionary about refusing to take a holiday. I don't care if you call it Christmas, the winter solstice, or Winterfest. Just take some time off and celebrate. This also creates important opportunities for gift exchanges, especially for the female heads-of-household to give important gifts to the family members who have been paying rent to her.

In matriarchy, generally husbands return to spend the holidays with their family of origin. If your husband lives in your house, don't feel obligated to pressure him to spend the holiday with you and your children. He needs that time to learn socialization from his mother, aunts and uncles.

This is where I would suggest "let your adult sons live with you" but statistically speaking, we're already doing this one!! The numbers of NEET and incel men is sky high, and it's usually the mother who is shouldered with this burden. So instead of "let your NEET son live with you" I will say "make your NEET son pay you rent!!!"
Put your foot down. Allowing him to disrespect and exploit his mother is allowing him to disrespect and exploit all women, by extension. If he's autistic or living with another disability such as severe ADHD, make sure he's seeing a therapist, a doctor, and has applied for disability.
If your NEET son is lucky enough to find a female partner (and many of them do,) please resist the temptation to allow this brave young woman to come live with you. He'll only manipulate her into becoming his caretaker. Don't let him become another woman's burden. In my experience the vast majority of women who date NEET men are themselves autistic, or living with another disability. She is not going to "fix" your son. Making her his live-in maid is not going to fix him. She'll be safer and happier in her own house or apartment, or living with her mother.

You don't have to be religious, but try to be aware of the concept of the Goddess. Matriarchal societies are generally Goddess-centered. Educate yourself about our (often suppressed and slandered) matriarchal, Goddess-loving foremothers. Visit history museums and look for the remnants of Goddess cultures, the way they've split and evolved and adapted over the centuries. Read books such as the Blade and the Chalice, Who Cooked the Last Supper, or even fiction such as Jane Auel's series about prehistorical matriarchal peoples.
You don't have to believe, but just don't let male gods be your default concept of religion, if that makes sense.
If you have children, teach them about our foremothers. Tell them the stories of Isis and her Scorpion Companions, tell them about Kali slaying the Buffalo Demon. Tell them about Artemis punishing the man who spied on her as she bathed. Make up your own Goddess stories which reflect your lives and your beliefs. Don't force them to believe in anything obviously, but do educate them about Goddess religion, and include them in any religious practices you may have.

Try to kick your man addiction. I know many women are programmed to escape into fantasies of that perfect love, that perfect guy, that beautiful beautiful celebrity who is kind and generous, who will never hit you or insult you.
I'm not saying you have to become lesbian or asexual, but please, try to focus on you. Instead of putting your energy into that perfect man, that perfect love, please try to redirect that love and attention to making your own life as good as possible.
I know far too many straight and bisexual women who seem to spend every second of every conversation talking about their male celebrity crush, their male partner, their male ex, etc.
You don't have to stop loving him, but please try to recognize your addiction for what it is. If these "perfect men" were real people, we wouldn't be living in this shitsack patriarchy.

Extremely difficult or impossible to implement:

One of the most shocking things I learned is that historically, the number of "superfluous males" in matriarchal societies stayed low because men often volunteered for ritual human sacrifice. I shit you not. It was seen as an honor for these men to return to the arms of the Goddess and give their lifeblood for the betterment of their community. Some of them also volunteered for ritual castration as a form of religious service.
This is obviously not ethical, and not something we would want to implement in modern times, even if we could. But if you can somehow find a way to have daughters instead of sons, I encourage you to do so. Every man came from the womb of a woman. We're the ones making men. We can stop making them. Society is safer with fewer men.
This shouldn't need saying, but obviously I'm not advocating for the death of men. But if you can think of any ways to peacefully, non-violently decrease the number of men in society to a safer level, I encourage you to do so. They are, in fact, enacting an active genocide against us women. If we can stop this violence without hurting anyone, we should do it.
Obviously there are instances of SA and forced-birth where a woman or girl may not have control over her reproductive capacity. For this reason we should not make the mistake of shaming women who have sons.

What I'm not saying:

I'm not saying we should kill men or boys. (Duh.)

I'm not saying you should treat men badly, especially your sons. I know living under patriarchy is bullshit but abusing the rare vulnerable male is only going to perpetuate the cycle. Treat your sons with dignity and require the same of them (especially make them pay you rent after they turn 18.) After all, you want your sons to become good uncles to their nieces and nephews, and good partners to any women whose romantic attention they might be so lucky to catch. You're also going to be keeping the little bugger in your life, you don't get to foist him off on another woman once he reaches marriageable age. So obviously, you're invested in treating him decently and teaching him to be a good man. I know mothers are generally less abusive than fathers, especially to their sons, so this is probably redundant. But just in case it needs saying, yeah, don't abuse males (duh.)

I'm not saying all women must become mothers, or that mothers should be given a higher "status" than other women. While matriarchies are mother-centered societies, they are not mother-dominated societies. The patriarchal system has artificially warped the motherhood system to the point where mothers are deprived of resources and safety, while childfree women are punished and stigmatized for refusing to put themselves in the disadvantaged and oppressed mother role.
If you want to be a kickass aunty, go for it. But IMO, living independently and supporting women in ways that do not involve any childcare is also revolutionary, especially while we still live under patriarchy. Especially if you get into local politics!

(Edit #2:)

I'm not saying anyone will be forced into childcare duty against their wishes. Because there will be a robust support network and strong community base for all mothers, individual women will be able to move away from their families and live completely childfree if they wish (men will actually have this option too.)
When I say "mothers live with/are supported by relatives," this is including family friends by the way. I originally felt it was a bit beyond the scope of this post, but in matriarchy, family friends are often taken in to become de facto family members. If any one mother finds herself without blood relatives who are willing/capable of helping with her children, she is free to move in with a female friend (or invite her friends to live with her.) These friends become sisters, for all intents and purposes. It will also be easier to make friends under matriarchy, where life is more community-based. Especially for a mother in need of help, since matriarchies are mother-centered societies.
Of course if you choose to live in a mother's house and refuse to help with the children in any way, that's a bit of a dick move isn't it? I would suggest you choose to live away from children if you don't like taking care of children. But that's pretty obvious.

BTW I'm thinking of writing a follow-up post with various examples of women who live in matriarchy, or taking steps to live more matriarchally. I will be including examples of childfree women and what life could look like for them :)

I'm not saying you have to live with your mother, or other relatives. The ability to live with your (maternal) family is intended as a beneficial option for women, not an obligation. But an effective weapon of patriarchy is the degradation of the bond between mother and children, grandmother and grandchildren, (maternal) aunts and nieces, etc. I understand that many women experience damaged relationships with their family, and can't currently rely on their family for support. This is something matriarchy can help with, by encouraging women who are able to feel comfortable strengthening those bonds and restoring the original, maternal family unit.
On top of that, you also might want to consider living near your family, as opposed to living with them. Patriarchy loves keeping women isolated and miles away from their family of origin. Not only does this mean she'll be more defenseless with any male partners, it means she'll have to spend more money and burn more natural resources any time she wishes to visit her family.
Consider staying in the same town as your family, or at least the same state/province/region. While moving away from an abusive family is always good, moving away from your family in general should not necessarily be viewed as an objective "good thing" the way it's viewed under patriarchy. Moving far away from your family is almost viewed as an act of empowerment, independence, and "true individualism" under patriarchy. This isn't really the case. Moving away from your family (without good reason) robs you of your tribe, your support, your safety net, your network. Just something to consider, when planning your life.
An alternative for women lacking maternal family support is to consider building your "network" around female friends, as opposed to a male partner. I know patriarchy encourages us to think of ourselves as a member of our husband's network first and foremost, but it doesn't have to be this way. Consider preferring a female roommate over cohabitation with a boyfriend, for example. When choosing a place to live, consider putting very high priority on living near your female friends. What if you lived in the same town? The same apartment complex? Next door? How would it change the constellation of your life?
As I mentioned, "adoption" is generally very common in matriarchal societies. In other words, if your female friend welcomes you into her family to the point where even her mother starts saying "I feel like you're one of my kids too," please know this is extremely common and completely natural, and you really can consider this found family legitimate. You don't have to think "this is nice for now, but when I marry a man I'll become a member of his family instead." Matriarchy teaches us to keep yourself safe by joining your female friend's family instead of your husband's family.
Likewise if you have a daughter with a close female friend, feel free to un-self-consciously welcome her into your family. This is a very healthy and beneficial instinct for women.

I'm not saying you can't cohabitate with your husband. You can absolutely live with your husband "the matriarchal way" by 1. keeping your own name and passing it on to your children, 2. making sure the house(/apartment/home) is yours, and 3. continuing to put highest priority on your connection to your maternal family (whether your family of origin, or your found family.)
That being said, no woman will ever be forced to live the matriarchal way. Just like we can't force women to stop wearing makeup, we can't force women to stop putting themselves in dangerous positions with men (i.e. moving into his house(/apartment/home, moving in with his family, moving away from your support network, etc.)

I'm actually not saying this will be a "utopia," either. There will still be broken bones, diseases, and natural disasters. There will still be women whose homes burn down, and people who die tragically and prematurely. True, abuse of women and children will be more rare than shark attacks (that's the goal, anyway) but that's a pretty low bar for "utopia," no?

I'm also not saying we should exclude males from public life. Teach your sons about Mother Earth, the wheel of the year, how to garden and cook and sew. Teach them how to chop wood and play games. Let them be useful, celebrate them when they do a great job honoring the Earth, their family, the Goddess, and women. Protect them from bullying, sexual abuse and circumcision. Tell them stories and songs about Frau Holle, John Barleycorn and the May Queen. Teach them about Artemis (the moon), Hekate, Isis, Asherah, and Austra-Freyja (the sun). Protect them from indoctrination into male rape god cults such as those of Pan, Dionysus, Zeus, and Odin. Teach them in a gentle and loving way about our matriarchal origins, about the prehistoric women who invented language, math and the tracking of time, so that they learn to appreciate and respect the power of women. Give them role models of healthy, happy men who live in a matriarchal way. Don't include them in the women's moon mysteries, but do include them in the seasonal festivals and celebrations.
Of course many women like men and want to spend time with them, and many women don't want to spend time with men. Both will be an option, in matriarchy. My point is that there's still a good role for men to play in this kind of society.
Lately I've moved back home and I've been talking a lot with my male relatives about the Goddess legends, theology and history I've been studying. They actually eat it up, much happier than if I were speaking pure feminist philosophy. I guess for some reason it's easier for men to accept that we all used to be a bunch of matriarchal "Goddess-worshippers" than it is for them to accept that there's still a wage gap, or that we women can't even get proper medical care without being maimed and abused. Go figure.
Of course some of you are hardline atheists, I'm aware of that. You can do a version of the above while teaching your children "these are just stories, they teach us nice lessons and they're fun to tell, but they're not real." Or if you want to go full anti-theist and avoid all stories/traditions involving goddesses, I would still suggest you at least celebrate the solstices and equinoxes with your children. And of course, teach them about our matriarchal ancestors and surround them with female authors, musicians, doctors, teachers, etc. Personally my family is pagan and we celebrate the seasonal festivals in a relaxed, "it doesn't really matter if you literally believe in any of this" kind of way. Honestly, IMO, it's much more fun if you just tell the stories and sing the songs about the Goddess. The symbols and meanings just hit different when you anthropomorphize them. You can teach the science alongside the legends too, because Goddess religion is not anti-science and does not require you to believe in nonsensacle "miracles" like a man giving birth. The only "miracles" in Goddess theology are the fact that life and reality exist at all, to begin with. And the fact that they continue to exist, year after year. But I digress!

(End edit #2)

So yeah, maybe I'm crazy but this is what's on my mind lately. Maybe it seems unbelievable, but everything I described is real. Look up the Khasi of north-eastern India. Look up the Mosuo of China. Look up the Ngada of Indonesia. Matriarchy is real, in history and modern times. It's peaceful, it's beautiful, and it's attainable. Thanks for reading, please don't scream at me :)

I've been reading Matriarchal Societies by Dr. Heide Goettner-Abendroth. Here's what I've learned: 1. Matriarchies are peaceful, egalitarian societies. Women *hold power* in matriarchy, but do not abuse their power over men the way they have done to us. 2. We need to become matriarchal. So how do we do that? Here's the changes we need to make. **Relatively easy to implement:** **Matriarchies are matrilineal.** This means you *need* to keep your own name. I know, this creates a dilemma because many of us don't particularly *like* our surname. They're all our father's names, anyway. It can be tempting to take a male partner's name, if it sounds slightly better, and we find him more pleasant than our father and his lineage. So what I recommend is that you **make your own name instead.** Hyphenation is not enough, and it can become a pain in the ass to have to constantly explain/spell your hyphenated last name. **Make a new name with meaning to you, and refuse to take a husband's last name.** No exceptions. If anything, he can take your name. Any of your children also take your last name (unless you marry a woman, in which case the two of you can decide which name to go with.) If you can, upon your passing, leave your wealth and belongings to one or more of your daughters. Especially your house. **Power is always safer in female hands.** **Matriarchies are matrilocal.** Do not move into a husband's house. Do not move in with his family. **You never want to be in a position of losing your home and your life if your relationship fails.** You want to have the safety of removing a man from your home if he becomes dangerous. I shouldn't have to explain here on Ovarit how men are almost always bigger and stronger and more violent than women. This is not about hurting men, this is about keeping ourselves in a position of protection and safety. If you feel inclined to live separately from any male partner, this is even better. **In matriarchy, the maternal "family of origin" do more childcare than the husband.** In practice, this means the maternal uncle(s) become the primary male figure in your children's lives, moreso than the father. If your brother(s), mother(s), and sister(s) are good people, involve them in your children(s) life as much as possible. Try to live near them, or even live with them. It takes a village to raise a child, and if circumstance has not denied you this natural familial support, please do utilize it. If you are an aunty or grandma yourself, please help your female family member with her children as much as possible. Love them like your own children. **In matriarchy, children support their mother.** I don't know how to implement this so easily in patriarchy, but in matriarchal societies, typically there is a female head-of-the-household and everyone gives their resources/earnings to her, which she redistributes to the family as needed. In practice, consider charging rent to any adult relatives who live with you (children over age of 18, a sister or brother, etc.) If you still live with your mother, try to pay rent to her. Especially charge rent to those NEET incel sons. No more free rides to "special baby boys." You don't have to kick them out, they'll just become another woman's problem. But no more coddling. Make Them Pay You!! **Keep the money in female hands.** Men have proven time and time again that when they are able to amass wealth, they use it to enslave and abuse women. Shop at woman-owned businesses. Use a female doctor, lawyer, house painter. Pay the women in your life for their services. For Goddess's sake, **love your daughters.** Don't teach/expect them to depend on a male partner. Don't expect them to move into their male partner's house. Let them live with you as long as possible, give them every advantage in life. Do expect them to pay you a reasonable rent, especially if they are childless. But don't threaten to kick them out constantly, and do participate in childcare if they have children. For fuck's sake, go easy on them. Don't make comments about their weight or their appearance, don't interrogate them about their dating habits. Protect them from men. Warn them about men from a young age, not just "stranger danger" but the men and boys in their own personal life. Most SA is committed by a man/boy who is personally known to the woman/girl, after all. Compliment them for their accomplishments and hard work. Let them be loud. Let them sing, let them joke and laugh loudly. Is she really being "rude," or is she simply making intelligent observations about the world around her? Resist the urge to play "alpha female" through punishing/dominating the "weaker" women and girls around you. Patriarchy encourages women to get their sense of power and status through the subjugation of other women and girls. This is not the way. Your daughters are your legacy, your daughters are your life. Likewise teach your children to respect their grandmother, aunts, and other women who are worthy. Resist the urge to bond with others over the "trashing" of undeserving women and girls. Trash the rapists, trash the woman-bashers. Resist the urge to judge women more harshly than men who commit the same "sins." (Edit: Here's a couple I almost forgot,) **Do not reproduce with aggressive men.** This is a bit obvious, but if you know a man to be short-tempered, aggressive, or violent, don't make babies with him. This includes guys who are into "safe" forms of aggression such as MMA and violent videogames. The goal is to breed out the [warrior gene](https://ovarit.com/o/GenderCritical/16673/men-maoa-gene-aggression), aka the patriarchy gene, which only affects men. I don't care how "hot" you think he is. Do not make babies with this man. The world does not need his obsolete violent impulses. He is not your provider, you don't need a strong husband. He will not be plowing your fields or working as your bodyguard. If you want to have children, when selecting their biological father, pick the gentlest and most patient man you know. Pick a man who is kind to his nieces and nephews, sisters and mother and grandmother. This applies to lesbians (and any other women) looking for sperm donors, as well. **Do not go visit your man.** You never want to be in a position of being kicked out of a man's house if you don't bow to his will, or having his family members coordinate against you. Make him come visit you, where you can kick him out of your house if need be, and be protected by your own family members. Especially your brothers. This is the true purpose of men's strength, protecting their family members from other men. Teach your sons to always protect their sisters, and you, their mother. **Do not be overly critical of women who do not perfectly embody matriarchy.** And this includes yourself. We're all doing our best out here. **Lactivism, intactivism, and birth activism are your friend.** It's beyond the scope of this post, but the baby formula industry and medical-industrial birth complex are designed to strip us of our natural mothering tools and leave us impoverished, traumatized, and dependent on patriarchal corporations. Circumcision is a barbaric male initiation ritual designed to artificially bond men with a larger "male tribe" instead of their natural bond with their mother and sisters. Decreased sexual function leaves men in a state of perpetual sexual frustration and heightened aggression, and they project that frustration onto the women in their lives. Again, do not shame mothers for being unable to breastfeed, or for giving birth in a hospital instead of at home with a female birthworker. Birth and lactation are natural processes which depend on a lack of stress hormones and an observation of modeled behavior. In plain English, when you've never seen a woman nurse a baby in your life, it's fucking hard to do. When it's illegal to nurse your baby in public, or you're terrified of giving birth because you've heard horror stories about women abused by doctors during labor, your body shuts down your lactation/labor because it thinks there's a fucking tiger nearby and you need to run away. Patriarchy loves mother-shaming. Please do not participate in this twisted passtime. That being said, pay your lactation consultant. Pay your birthworker. Nurse in public, if you're able to do so safely. **Celebrate female authors, musicians, and artists of all kinds.** Surround yourself with female culture and accomplishment. After all, we invented this shit. Don't let your children grow up only celebrating male "genius," only hearing male vocals in music. Compliment women and take their work seriously. **Get involved with local politics.** Go to town meetings. Join local committees which are relevant to you, such as "friends of the library" or "keeping Abbeville bikeable" or "friends of the trees." **Value your belongings and property.** While men are encouraged to hoard wealth and property as a symbol of success and value, women are more often taught that to value our material posessions is "capitalist," "narcissistic," "male behavior," etc. While it's true that *hoarding* wealth is egotistical, *resources will always be safer in female hands.* Even if you don't believe in land ownership, for example, land will be safer in your hands than the hand of a man. If you can't return a piece of land to public ownership, consider keeping fighting to keep it in the hands of women. Even among the San people, an African hunter-gatherer culture with strong matriarchal roots, women are able to own land and property. Don't let them continue to weaponize anti-greed in order to keep power out of female hands. Instead of viewing your wealth and property as "personal glorification," consider yourself as the designated guardian of these gifts from fate. It doesn't make you a despot, it makes you an important community leader. It's not greedy to value your home, your belongings, and your money, and to expect your assets to be respected by other people. More specifically, no one is entitled to demand your free labor, access to your home/money, or to expect you to abandon your home or belongings for the benefit of someone else. Likewise teach your daughters that their belongings really do belong to them. She's not being "greedy" if she refuses to allow her screaming baby brother to play with her treasured, fragile, lego submarine base. You're not "teaching her generosity" by taking her belongings from her, you're teaching her "there's no point in trying to build anything, belongings are transient. I can never keep anything for myself, so what's the point of trying to earn anything?" Of course generosity is important *with people you trust.* It's time we started being *wisely* generous, with our sisters and mothers and aunts and female friends. It's time we stopped being overly generous with ungrateful men, and stopped punishing other women who refuse to be treated like public resources. (And of course, resist any temptation to get your resources *at the expense of other women.* This isn't about becoming hyper-competitive "male-identified" girl bosses. I'm aware any time an attempt is made to create a positive change in society, patriarchy tries to flip it into yet another attack on women.) **Help other women.** Patriarchy teaches us that "helping a woman is wrong because it means you don't think she's strong enough to take care of it on her own." Meanwhile men have an absolutely monopoly on each other's help, from book reviews to music sales to protecting rapists without question. They have a steel-solid support network for other men, all while promoting the myth of the "self-made man who simply had a small loan of $1 million from his father." Strength comes from numbers. We must help one another, when possible. If you like men, **consider dating younger men.** In matriarchy, the woman is usually the older one in a heterosexual couple. **Celebrate the female life stages,** aka menarche, "motherhood" and menopause. You don't have to take it super literally, i.e. you can have a womanhood celebration for your daughter at age 18, not necessarily at the time of her actual first period. You can have a "congratulations on becoming a fully mature woman with a brain that's finished growing" celebration at age 30, without making it a "motherhood" celebration per se. If you're witchy, you can even have a "moontime" ritual/gathering at the new moon each month, which is traditionally said to be the time when the women would menstruate. Historically menstruatrion was the time when women would gather together in their designated female-only space where they would exchange secrets, knowledge and insights they were having about the world, rest and kick back, work on crafts, and just generally make menstruation into an important time of female solidarity and power, as well as rest, recuporation, and self-care. **Support and celebrate female-only spaces and/or separatism.** These should be available to all women. **Try to have fewer children, if possible.** Matriarchies are not endless-growth economies, but are more often intentionally maintained in smaller, more manageable communities. Of course not all of us have control over the number of children we have, and many of us are here on Ovarit are already childfree by choice. That being said, if you prefer to have few/no children, rest assured you're perfectly in line with the matriarchal way of life. But if you *do* have many children, that's fine too because you'll have more support in a matriarchal society. Because women are in control of their own lives and making their own reproductive choices, the population will be maintained easily and respectfully through the educated choices of individual women. No need for shame on either side, is what I'm saying. Matriarchies are mother-centered societies, but no woman is pushed into motherhood against her will, because motherhood is taken seriously and respected. (End edit) **Potentially more tricky to implement:** In matriarchy, children typically live with their mother into adulthood, continuing to give her their resources and support. This level of involvement in your family is not always so easy for modern women. But please do try. It's really not natural the way we've been taught to treat our relatives like strangers. A close-knit family is really what we're aiming for. Of course there are exceptions for toxic and abusive relatives. If they're not going to support the peaceful, matriarchal way of life, they don't need to be involved. Do not expect to rely on your husband or his family. If you need help, try to rely on your own mother, sisters or brothers, aunts or uncles. Your own family is your legacy, not some male outsider. Your husband can come live with you in your, or your mother's, house if you really want him to. But this is not necessary. Feel free to change male partners as often as you wish, for any reason you wish. If a man does not contribute to your happiness, you have absolutely no obligation to spend time with him. Let his own mother, aunts and uncles deal with his shit. It's better to be a "single mother" than to couple with a shithead, but our society is built in such a way to actively punish uncoupled mothers. Family members who should be participating in childcare are absent. Social stigma is rampant. The changes I'm describing will be hardest for the first generation of matriarchal women. Please do your best. "Single mothers" are already required to become warriors, we might as well fight toward an end to the struggle. Patriarchy punishes women in order to keep them dependent on men. In general, matriarchies are "gift economies." Studies have suggested that when attempting to help someone, a well-planned gift actually works better than cash, because a gift must be used for its intended purpose. The exception to this would be overseas famine and natural disasters, where money is more practical. In general, try to help people via well-planned and useful gifts rather than throwing cash at people. Not only will it be more beneficial to the people in your life, but it will also make people less motivated to take advantage of you. **Try to celebrate the seasons.** Building strong, close-knit matriarchal communities will be much better and easier if we actually have free time to connect with each other, our (maternal) families, female friends, and the Earth. There is nothing revolutionary about refusing to take a holiday. I don't care if you call it Christmas, the winter solstice, or Winterfest. Just take some time off and celebrate. This also creates important opportunities for gift exchanges, especially for the female heads-of-household to give important gifts to the family members who have been paying rent to her. In matriarchy, generally husbands return to spend the holidays with their family of origin. If your husband lives in your house, don't feel obligated to pressure him to spend the holiday with you and your children. He needs that time to learn socialization from his mother, aunts and uncles. This is where I *would* suggest "let your adult sons live with you" but statistically speaking, we're already doing this one!! The numbers of NEET and incel men is sky high, and it's usually the mother who is shouldered with this burden. So instead of "let your NEET son live with you" I will say "make your NEET son pay you rent!!!" Put your foot down. Allowing him to disrespect and exploit his mother is allowing him to disrespect and exploit all women, by extension. If he's autistic or living with another disability such as severe ADHD, make sure he's seeing a therapist, a doctor, and has applied for disability. If your NEET son is lucky enough to find a female partner (and many of them do,) please resist the temptation to allow this brave young woman to come live with you. He'll only manipulate her into becoming his caretaker. Don't let him become another woman's burden. In my experience the vast majority of women who date NEET men are themselves autistic, or living with another disability. She is not going to "fix" your son. Making her his live-in maid is not going to fix him. She'll be safer and happier in her own house or apartment, or living with her mother. You don't have to be religious, but try to be aware of the concept of the Goddess. Matriarchal societies are generally Goddess-centered. Educate yourself about our (often suppressed and slandered) matriarchal, Goddess-loving foremothers. Visit history museums and look for the remnants of Goddess cultures, the way they've split and evolved and adapted over the centuries. Read books such as the Blade and the Chalice, Who Cooked the Last Supper, or even fiction such as Jane Auel's series about prehistorical matriarchal peoples. **You don't have to believe,** but just don't let male gods be your default concept of religion, if that makes sense. If you have children, teach them about our foremothers. Tell them the stories of Isis and her Scorpion Companions, tell them about Kali slaying the Buffalo Demon. Tell them about Artemis punishing the man who spied on her as she bathed. Make up your own Goddess stories which reflect your lives and your beliefs. Don't force them to believe in anything obviously, but do educate them about Goddess religion, and include them in any religious practices you may have. Try to kick your man addiction. I know many women are programmed to escape into fantasies of that perfect love, that perfect guy, that beautiful beautiful celebrity who is kind and generous, who will never hit you or insult you. I'm not saying you have to become lesbian or asexual, but please, try to focus on *you.* Instead of putting your energy into that perfect man, that perfect love, please try to redirect that love and attention to making your own life as good as possible. I know far too many straight and bisexual women who seem to spend every second of every conversation talking about their male celebrity crush, their male partner, their male ex, etc. You don't have to stop loving him, but please try to recognize your addiction for what it is. If these "perfect men" were real people, we wouldn't be living in this shitsack patriarchy. **Extremely difficult or impossible to implement:** One of the most shocking things I learned is that historically, the number of "superfluous males" in matriarchal societies stayed low because men often volunteered for ritual human sacrifice. I shit you not. It was seen as an honor for these men to return to the arms of the Goddess and give their lifeblood for the betterment of their community. Some of them also volunteered for ritual castration as a form of religious service. This is obviously not ethical, and not something we would want to implement in modern times, even if we could. But if you can somehow find a way to have daughters instead of sons, I encourage you to do so. Every man came from the womb of a woman. We're the ones making men. We can stop making them. Society is safer with fewer men. This shouldn't need saying, but obviously I'm not advocating for the death of men. But if you can think of any ways to *peacefully, non-violently* decrease the number of men in society to a safer level, I encourage you to do so. They are, in fact, enacting an active genocide against us women. If we can stop this violence without hurting anyone, we should do it. Obviously there are instances of SA and forced-birth where a woman or girl may not have control over her reproductive capacity. For this reason we should not make the mistake of shaming women who have sons. **What I'm not saying:** **I'm not saying we should kill men or boys.** (Duh.) **I'm not saying you should treat men badly, especially your sons.** I know living under patriarchy is bullshit but abusing the rare vulnerable male is only going to perpetuate the cycle. Treat your sons with dignity and require the same of them (especially make them pay you rent after they turn 18.) After all, you want your sons to become good uncles to their nieces and nephews, and good partners to any women whose romantic attention they might be so lucky to catch. You're also going to be keeping the little bugger in your life, you don't get to foist him off on another woman once he reaches marriageable age. So obviously, you're invested in treating him decently and teaching him to be a good man. I know mothers are generally less abusive than fathers, especially to their sons, so this is probably redundant. But just in case it needs saying, yeah, don't abuse males (duh.) **I'm not saying all women must become mothers, or that mothers should be given a higher "status" than other women.** While matriarchies are mother-*centered* societies, they are not mother-*dominated* societies. The patriarchal system has artificially warped the motherhood system to the point where mothers are deprived of resources and safety, while childfree women are punished and stigmatized for refusing to put themselves in the disadvantaged and oppressed mother role. If you want to be a kickass aunty, go for it. But IMO, living independently and supporting women in ways that do not involve any childcare is also revolutionary, especially while we still live under patriarchy. Especially if you get into local politics! (Edit #2:) **I'm not saying anyone will be forced into childcare duty against their wishes.** Because there will be a robust support network and strong community base for all mothers, individual women will be able to move away from their families and live completely childfree if they wish (men will actually have this option too.) When I say "mothers live with/are supported by relatives," this is including family friends by the way. I originally felt it was a bit beyond the scope of this post, but in matriarchy, family friends are often taken in to become de facto family members. If any one mother finds herself without blood relatives who are willing/capable of helping with her children, she is free to move in with a female friend (or invite her friends to live with her.) These friends become sisters, for all intents and purposes. It will also be easier to make friends under matriarchy, where life is more community-based. Especially for a mother in need of help, since matriarchies are mother-centered societies. Of course if you *choose* to live in a mother's house and refuse to help with the children in any way, that's a bit of a dick move isn't it? I would suggest you choose to live away from children if you don't like taking care of children. But that's pretty obvious. BTW I'm thinking of writing a follow-up post with various examples of women who live in matriarchy, or taking steps to live more matriarchally. I will be including examples of childfree women and what life could look like for them :) **I'm not saying you have to live with your mother, or other relatives.** The ability to live with your (maternal) family is intended as a *beneficial option* for women, not an obligation. But an effective weapon of patriarchy is the degradation of the bond between mother and children, grandmother and grandchildren, (maternal) aunts and nieces, etc. I understand that many women experience damaged relationships with their family, and can't currently rely on their family for support. This is something matriarchy can help with, by encouraging women who are *able* to feel comfortable strengthening those bonds and restoring the original, maternal family unit. On top of that, you also might want to consider living *near* your family, as opposed to living *with* them. Patriarchy loves keeping women isolated and miles away from their family of origin. Not only does this mean she'll be more defenseless with any male partners, it means she'll have to spend more money and burn more natural resources any time she wishes to visit her family. Consider staying in the same town as your family, or at least the same state/province/region. While moving away from an abusive family is always good, moving away from your family *in general* should not necessarily be viewed as an objective "good thing" the way it's viewed under patriarchy. Moving far away from your family is almost viewed as an act of empowerment, independence, and "true individualism" under patriarchy. This isn't really the case. Moving away from your family (without good reason) robs you of your tribe, your support, your safety net, your network. Just something to consider, when planning your life. An alternative for women lacking maternal family support is to consider building your "network" around female friends, as opposed to a male partner. I know patriarchy encourages us to think of ourselves as a member of our husband's network first and foremost, but it doesn't have to be this way. Consider preferring a female roommate over cohabitation with a boyfriend, for example. When choosing a place to live, consider putting very high priority on living near your female friends. What if you lived in the same town? The same apartment complex? Next door? How would it change the constellation of your life? As I mentioned, "adoption" is generally very common in matriarchal societies. In other words, if your female friend welcomes you into her family to the point where even her mother starts saying "I feel like you're one of my kids too," please know this is extremely common and completely natural, and you really can consider this found family legitimate. You don't have to think "this is nice for now, but when I marry a man I'll become a member of his family instead." Matriarchy teaches us to keep yourself safe by joining your female friend's family instead of your husband's family. Likewise if you have a daughter with a close female friend, feel free to un-self-consciously welcome her into your family. This is a very healthy and beneficial instinct for women. **I'm not saying you can't cohabitate with your husband.** You can absolutely live with your husband "the matriarchal way" by 1. keeping your own name and passing it on to your children, 2. making sure the house(/apartment/home) is yours, and 3. continuing to put highest priority on your connection to your maternal family (whether your family of origin, or your found family.) That being said, no woman will ever be *forced* to live the matriarchal way. Just like we can't force women to stop wearing makeup, we can't force women to stop putting themselves in dangerous positions with men (i.e. moving into his house(/apartment/home, moving in with his family, moving away from your support network, etc.) I'm actually **not saying this will be a "utopia,"** either. There will still be broken bones, diseases, and natural disasters. There will still be women whose homes burn down, and people who die tragically and prematurely. True, abuse of women and children will be more rare than shark attacks (that's the goal, anyway) but that's a pretty low bar for "utopia," no? I'm also **not saying we should exclude males from public life.** Teach your sons about Mother Earth, the wheel of the year, how to garden and cook and sew. Teach them how to chop wood and play games. Let them be useful, celebrate them when they do a great job honoring the Earth, their family, the Goddess, and women. Protect them from bullying, sexual abuse and circumcision. Tell them stories and songs about Frau Holle, John Barleycorn and the May Queen. Teach them about Artemis (the moon), Hekate, Isis, Asherah, and Austra-Freyja (the sun). Protect them from indoctrination into male rape god cults such as those of Pan, Dionysus, Zeus, and Odin. Teach them in a gentle and loving way about our matriarchal origins, about the prehistoric women who invented language, math and the tracking of time, so that they learn to appreciate and respect the power of women. Give them role models of healthy, happy men who live in a matriarchal way. Don't include them in the women's moon mysteries, but do include them in the seasonal festivals and celebrations. Of course many women *like* men and want to spend time with them, and many women *don't* want to spend time with men. Both will be an option, in matriarchy. My point is that there's still a good role for men to play in this kind of society. Lately I've moved back home and I've been talking a lot with my male relatives about the Goddess legends, theology and history I've been studying. They actually eat it up, much happier than if I were speaking pure feminist philosophy. I guess for some reason it's easier for men to accept that we all used to be a bunch of matriarchal "Goddess-worshippers" than it is for them to accept that there's still a wage gap, or that we women can't even get proper medical care without being maimed and abused. Go figure. Of course some of you are hardline atheists, I'm aware of that. You can do a version of the above while teaching your children "these are just stories, they teach us nice lessons and they're fun to tell, but they're not real." Or if you want to go full anti-theist and avoid all stories/traditions involving goddesses, I would still suggest you at least celebrate the solstices and equinoxes with your children. And of course, teach them about our matriarchal ancestors and surround them with female authors, musicians, doctors, teachers, etc. Personally my family is pagan and we celebrate the seasonal festivals in a relaxed, "it doesn't really matter if you literally believe in any of this" kind of way. Honestly, IMO, it's much more fun if you just tell the stories and sing the songs about the Goddess. The symbols and meanings just hit different when you anthropomorphize them. You can teach the science alongside the legends too, because Goddess religion is not anti-science and does not require you to believe in nonsensacle "miracles" like a man giving birth. The only "miracles" in Goddess theology are the fact that life and reality exist at all, to begin with. And the fact that they continue to exist, year after year. But I digress! (End edit #2) So yeah, maybe I'm crazy but this is what's on my mind lately. Maybe it seems unbelievable, but everything I described is real. Look up the Khasi of north-eastern India. Look up the Mosuo of China. Look up the Ngada of Indonesia. Matriarchy is real, in history and modern times. It's peaceful, it's beautiful, and it's attainable. Thanks for reading, please don't scream at me :)

139 comments

This is the best thing I've read in a long time. Thanks for sharing it with us!

Let us form strong amazon led societies of women who choose not to have children.

Thank you for this post and summary of what you learned from the book! I've been wanting to read it for years and it's quite expensive to buy new. I am a childfree lesbian and don't find the idea of this forcing us into motherhood or being free childcare for mothers as some do... There's no reason we can't still be part of a mutually beneficial support system with our female relatives and do our own thing as craftswomen, artists, business owners or what have you.

I actually do something like this with my sister and some close female friends, although I obvs can't go into details on Ovarit, and we make an effort to support my other sister and her daughters even though she's still sticking with her abusive xtian garbage husband.... Actually just bought my oldest niece a kids' archery set because I found out the boy was given one by his father and she wasn't included. Not on my watch lmao! That girl is going to know she has at least two adult female relatives in her corner.

Thank you for sharing, that sounds so beautiful. Always nice to meet another kickass childfree aunty :)

As you said, the point is not to force childfree people to care for children if they don't want to. Only to encourage the ones who do want to participate, to love their nieces and nephews like their own children without thinking "oh this isn't my place" or "this is just my 'extended family,' I shouldn't get involved." That's just our depressing modern alienation-culture conditioning!

I should have read this when I was 20. I'm wrong on about every item of the list. But i will teach my daughter this ❤️

Never too late to make positive changes! Thank you for reading sister 💖

[–] Cornelia241 3 points Edited

I think that the ones that hurt the most is that I'm removed from my family and can't keep matrilocal which sucks because i have two beautiful sisters and my mom is the best. We are scattered around the world because our home country is a political mess. So i Had to move to my partner place which like you said , leaves him powerful and me powerless and trapped basically if anything goes wrong. I also loved the idea of keeping mother's last name but couldn't in this country. When I registered my kids it was "either they get their dads last name or dad won't have any legal obligation with them" basically they wouldn't be his kids. Socie screwed me on those two points

This is exactly what I was trying to describe, patriarchy damages our family bonds and limits our ability to protect ourselves and our children. I can't believe they forced you to take his name!! The audacity of men.

May I ask, do you have female friends to bond with and depend on? Maybe I should have mentioned this in my main post because I think a lot of women are in a similar situation as you, though maybe not so extreme. Many women have damaged/inaccessible bonds with their families under patriarchy. In matriarchy, female friends are able to adopt each other as sisters and raise children together. Is that a possibility for you? Could you find one or more friends like that, maybe even relocating to live near them, or even living together if possible? I know it's not always easy to make friends under patriarchy either, but women often find a way.

[–] Nene 10 points

I'm sharing this, seems perfectly reasonable and doable

This is lovely! Another community with Matrilineal traditions were the Nairs of Kerala. Not the case anymore, but fascinating how much women's lives can improve when society is based around supporting us.

I hadn't heard of them yet, thanks for the info! It's actually really surprising just how relatively common matriarchy is.

Wow! This is so inspiring; I just love it!

Were a lot of these actionable items addressed in the book, or did you come up with them via your own reflection?

Thanks so much for sharing this!

I'm actually still reading the book, but from what I've seen it's mostly real-life examples. But Goettner-Abendroth did provide a lot of actionable items in her excellent presentation Matriarchy as a Radical Alternative. In that presentation she describes how a modern matriarchy might look. I tried to take it a step further and describe how modern women might take steps in their own lives to transition to such a society.

That, and you, are so awesome! Thank you again for the fantastic post/information. In addition to picking an item or two from your list to focus on, I'll also read/watch her book/presentation (which I guess already fulfills a list item (Celebrate female authors, musicians, and artists of all kinds)!)

Yes indeed it does!

I'm actually so thrilled to see so many women taking inspiration from my post. It's kind of crazy. All this has been bubbling in my brain for months now so it feels amazing to share it and see other women getting into it!

Some interesting ideas for sure. Thanks for sharing. I suppose I'm just wondering why a man would be more inclined to care for his nieces and nephews, from a stand point of what he gains from it. What is the incentive here?

I could theorize as to why it might be, but I think ultimately the important thing to keep in mind is the fact that we know it works. We know that maternal uncles in a matriarchal society make better father figures than the actual biological father.

But working back from that and trying to find the "why" of it, I could theorize that it might be due to the fact that all fathers possess an underlying anxiety that "what if this child is not really mine?" Not many fathers are out there getting DNA tests for their children, and there's always that chance that a man's children are not really his, no matter how much he trusts his partner. When you introduce patrilineality into the mix, you see men increasingly controlling and oppressive toward their female partners, in an attempt to secure their male lineage.

With the uncle, that anxiety is almost completely absent. Your sister is your sister. You've heard the stories of her birth. If she's your younger sister, you've even seen your pregnant mother and maybe even watched her birth. For your sister to not truly be your sister, it would take something bordering on mass conspiracy. Some kind of bizarre "swapped-at-birth" situation. You can be almost 100% certain that your sister's children are, indeed, your blood relatives.

On top of that, in matriarchy, the maternal uncle is surrounded by female relatives who are encouraging him to be loving and caring with his nieces and nephews. In patriarchy, the family bond is damaged and women are encouraged to move away with their husband before starting their own families.

Speaking anecdotally, as someone with a large family, have you ever seen a young uncle playing with his sister's children? I've honestly never seen a man adoring his own children the way a young uncle does, before he marries and starts his own family. And of course speaking as an aunt who can't have kids of my own, I love my baby nieces like my own children. I would die for them. I think any DNA issue is not really a factor. I know patriarchy teaches us that we must breed, must make our own children, must see those little clones walking around and fulfilling our "purpose." But for purposes of survival, I think our instincts are actually telling us "your sister's child is your child."
Look at cats, for example. They raise kittens communally. Female cats will trade kittens back and forth with no hesitation, and that's with other females who aren't even relatives. I think we need to expand our concept of... what do they call it? The "nuclear family"?

My brothers were EXTREMELY excited when I was going to have my daughter. She passed and they went through more grief than I expected. I see some truth to this comment.

Sorry for your loss, but thank you for the confirmation. I'm always surprised by the strength of that bond, too. And it's the same for older brothers with baby siblings, from what I've seen. It's natural for them to take a nurturing role with their young relatives.

I've honestly never seen a man adoring his own children the way a young uncle does

Then you have a very limited world view. I know plenty of fathers in real life, including my own, and they all are very involved in their children's lives, even the ones who are divorced from their kids' mothers. From what I've seen, they all love their kids just as much as the mothers do. Of course, we still have lots societal views to change to get dads to do more of the hardest parts(that an uncle, aunt, or grandmother would never, in a million years, ever do, since it's not their kid) and get men in general to do more housework, but we'd need to do that anyway.

Most fathers want to know their kids, and kids need their fathers, for the simple reason that they share 50% of his DNA. What if a kid inherits a medical condition, developmental disorder, or just some strange quirk from her father? It's so much easier, on both the guardians and the child, if the father is there to help.

Let me tell you a bit of a story: I had a lot of peculiarities that I inherited from my father, and ADHD, which I probably got from him, too. I was a difficult kid, but so was he. This meant that there were a lot of situations in which only he knew how to handle me. My mom would just be confused and frustrated, I'd be screaming and crying, until my dad would chime in and he'd be able to fix things. My mom has told me stories of times when I would wake up in the middle of the night and just be freaking out, because my array of stuffed animals had gotten all messed up. My mom would go crazy and end up practically banging her head against the wall because she just couldn't figure out how to calm me down. But then my dad would come to help and he would stay up with me to rearrange everything exactly how I liked it, because he was particular just like I was and he understood what I needed. My dad has always seen a lot of himself in me. Out of every single person in this world, the person who is most like me is my dad, and he's the only one who ever truly got me. He's expressed the same sentiment to my mom many times. It would have been quite tragic if he and I didn't know each other. I needed, need, my dad, and I'd imagine a lot of other kids do too. For this reason, I can't support children being raised without their fathers. I won't.

You actually can raise children with their father, in this system, if you want to. You can also live alone, or with other childfree female friends or relatives, and not engage in childcare.

In fact, you can do anything you want, because I'm not talking about forcing women to do anything. It's all just a guideline, as I keep repeating.

That being said, you can live with the father of your children "the matriarchal way" if 1. you own the house(/apartment/home), and 2. you keep your own name, and pass your name onto the children. As an additional benefit to you and your family, you should also try to live near/with your relatives, and/or female friend(s.) The goal is to provide women as much protection from men as possible.

Most fathers want to know their kids, and kids need their fathers,

This is actually lesbophobic. It's been studied over and over again, and we know that children raised by two women actually fair better than children raised by heterosexual couples.

But if all you're suggesting is that children should know their fathers, I'm not suggesting they shouldn't. In the system I'm describing, even children who don't cohabitate with their fathers (as many still will) are free to meet him and interact with him as much as they want.

Platypus, I think I love you.

My Nigel and I chose a new last name together, once that has meaning, because we are both estranged from our shit families of origin. So check on that one. I agree with you about the importance of birth and women having a primal, animal sense of safety in that moment being absolutely crucial, and modern obstetrics is absolutely awful to so many women, it goes so against our natural instincts (when I get conspiratorial, I think that's the point of it - to sever us from our most primal female instincts).

One thing I would add to your list is practice not hating your menstrual cycle. I don't think we can hate this fundamental aspect of our nature without hating ourselves and our femaleness on some deep level. Teach your daughters not to hate it. To whatever degree possible, take it as a time away from regular responsibilities to go within. I heard menstruation was once called "The Gift of Inanna" (the ancient Sumerian Goddess who descends to the underworld and rises again more whole, having faced her demons) and I loved that but I didn't know why. I spent about a year thinking about it before it made sense to me.

Do you also know the book The Great Cosmic Mother? It changed my life and I think you might like it.

You're right, I almost mentioned the fact that we should be having menarche celebrations for our daughters. My mother and grandmother actually had one for me, it was one of my fonder memories. We actually invented math and the calendar by tracking our menstrual cycles and comparing them to the cycle of the moon. It's definitely something worth celebrating!

I'm tempted to go back and edit but I'm running out of steam 😂

Do you also know the book The Great Cosmic Mother? It changed my life and I think you might like it.

It's on my to-read list! I'm actually in the middle of three different books right now, oi. But I will definitely bump it up the list, thank you!

Also I love you too 😊

Try not to hate might or not attainable, in the state of things as they are, 3-5 days of bleeding. pain and inconvenience, depends on economic situation if you can take or not compensated days off or your livehood is endangered so you just muddle trough it or stay at home sunning like a cat. Try not to hate it while suffering might be asking for denial or further disconnection from your body. Medicine and doctors have normalized our specific suffering while being productive, have almost no resource to help and how is that posible if 50% of the population complains about it? like how?

I will not accept suffering as fckng miracle or gift fckt it. Is like forcing toxic positivity on suffering women.

The solution to not hate it is practical not religious. Fight for the practical changes needed to accomodate it. Make having a uterus as having a spleen. Your spleen does not get you discriminated at work, gives you almost no problems, doctors dont ignore your problems on the basis of having a spleen. Nobody talks about your spleen activities. Ever. Make it so before making it religious .

We view things a little differently, and that’s ok. I say this as someone with endometriosis who has suffered a lot of pain. I’ve been fired from jobs because I could not perform my duties because of my period. So I’m not saying it from some place of “oh, me? My period never really bothered me!” I’m saying it from long ass road of really working through a lot of shit about it.

Notice I am not saying “love you period!” Just “try not to hate it”. Because it’s a part of you. It’s not unlike saying “try not to hate being a woman” even though we live in a world that hates you for it, that mistreats you for it, where you suffer for it. But you cannot find liberation of any kind through self hatred.

I don’t think “try not to hate yourself” is the same as forcing toxic positivity. I’m sorry if you do.

I understand what you are trying to say except to look for religious reasons for suffering. I used to had cramps that made me puke like quite urgently those days, quite fun for keeping with life, and I was around like that, bc mexican work culture. I don't see the point of attaching any significance to the monthly puking ritual more than medicine doesn't care about women symptoms. If there's attachment to any religious purpose then we won't even try to get any solution to it. Bc then it becomes a matter of faith.

Don't you think it's best though to try to limit the impact our biology has on our participation in public life?

I agree with everything here. And I think medicine should be focusing on finding ways to minimize women's suffering during menstruation so that we can all carry on with our lives as normal, just like men can, during all weeks of the month.

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Thank you for this summary. I've made a note to pick up this book in the near future. I look forward to reading it.

I think even just implementing a few of these concepts into our lives would make a huge difference. Not to mention the amount of times I've been asked advice on how to deal with family issues from friends. Giving them a template to advocate for themselves and remain independent in their relationships is so valuable.

It's a bit pricey, but finding this book has been a game-changer for me. It is available for free online, if you're crafty. But of course I always recommend we pay women, when possible.

I think even just implementing a few of these concepts into our lives would make a huge difference.

Yes, this is what I hope for. No woman can do everything I suggested, but all women can do something. Even if it just means giving your husband your name, or demanding your NEET son begin paying you rent. The more we see these changes happening around us, the easier they will be to implement on a mass scale. Thank you for reading and commenting :)

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