TW: sexual assault.
This subject has been on my mind for months now. And before anyone gets defensive, I am literally married to and live with a man.
I don't think it's natural for a home to compose of one man, one woman, and their children. I think an overwhelming amount of the time, the mother becomes the head of the household (in every way but name) and ends up feeling lonely and experiencing burnout.
I've also been letting go of the belief that men are willfully incompetent. To be honest, I'm starting to think it doesn't fucking matter if they're being stupid and inconsiderate on purpose or not. Even if they are 100% willfully incompetent, what does it say about the male sex that so many of them are totally okay with turning a blind eye to dirty laundry thrown around the house, poorly wiping their own s****y buttholes, treating childcare as if its babysitting (having to be asked by the mother for help instead of just, you know, being a dad), and so on. At this point, who cares if they're doing it on purpose or not? They're assholes either way: they're assholes if they think, "fuck it, she'll take care of it," and they're assholes if they 'genuinely' don't 'notice' their female partner having much less free time than they do.
My point is, what the hell are we trying to negotiate here? Isn't there that saying from a TV show or something, "if someone shows you who they are, believe them"? Why aren't we believing men already? They're showing us who they are: inconsiderate, bad team players, selfish, ignorant.
And this is just the "average" wife/girlfriend problem here.
There's also the fact that women now live in a house with a person who is stronger than them and could potentially kill or seriously injure them. In many cases of DV, men don't have to worry very much about being caught, because it's them against a woman and maybe children. Many men beat their small children in order to discipline them. Even if a man doesn't beat his partner, he could easily rape her, or worst yet her/their children.
Why would nature intend for it to be this way? For girls and women to be exposed to these testosterone-fueled people, who refuse to express their feelings in civilized ways an overwhelming majority of the time?
Then there's the high rates of men leaving their partners when they need them most: when they become disabled, or get diagnosed with something like cancer (that would reverse the caretaker roles in the relationship which most men have no desire to take on), or in many cases when the woman simply ages and isn't bouncy and cool like many men think women should be. In a female-oriented community, she would be OK when he leaves because she would have women who are still there for her. In fact, I don't think he would be there at all, he would have just been a fling and would have left and forgotten about decades ago, because men would be free to do this without hurting women's livelihood.
My solution here, it's so far-fetched and fantastical at this point, but my solution is that we simply are not supposed to live this way. I think how it is "supposed" to be is women living in mostly female communities, with plenty of female-only spaces within them. Men are not excluded from these communities necessarily, but women simply do not need them there because they have each other. Men come and go. If they cause trouble, they are not allowed to come back under any circumstances. The men who would stay there would be serious partners of one of the women in the community. It would just be totally optional for them. Women would hopefully feel less pressure to have a man and so all the women wouldn't be slobbering all over the few men in said community. If they wanted a man they could get one easily, as it is now, except without women being desperate for anything even remotely competent.
I think the only reason women depend on men so much is because men created the world this way. But it is not the natural order. The natural order is women being in charge of the communities we live in. Whether it is because we are more able to, or because we simply care more, we are the ones who make things happen. I think female values are different than men's, and in this man-made world we cannot honor those values. Among these values are: rewarding teamwork, unconditional support, and safe spaces for expressing feelings. I don't see men honoring these things nearly as much as women do. Our friendships are richer, even our familial relationships. I may not always love my relatives, but it is a pleasure to cook our feast with them and clean up altogether when we are done. The only displeasure is the men getting to mooch off of our hard work. In a female-driven, female-focused, and female-oriented community, most of those men would not even be allowed in because not contributing would be considered a form of misbehaving.
Ended up rambling more than I wanted to. Any thoughts?