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I don't want to come off as reductive, bioessentialist, homophobic. I don't want to come off as bitter for being heterosexual. The sexual attraction I feel toward men isn't a choice, but I do choose to accept and fixate on it.

Am I entitled to hope to be treated well? Am I doomed to sexual suffering- surely it's not outrageous for me to hope to be loved and treated well. Surely humans are evolved enough to have basic respect at dire times. Am I foolish to be hopeful?

Basically I look at how men treat each other, how they talk about each other sexually. In my mind it's unacceptable. I don't care if that sounds bad. I know the way men think sexually about each other is just a magnified version of how they discuss women. Why are they concerned with degradation and ruination? Why is sex about destruction to them? Dissolution of respect? It is all about materialism. Is sex all about materialism?

Why do I want to view sex constructively?

Why must women be the fucking gatekeepers of our own safety? IS THIS biological when we know these hormones do change your mind? Where is the line drawn between nature and nurture? Am I getting too blackpilled on this shit? If I believe that gender "isn't real", then shouldn't all this solve itself as a part of solving general misogyny? Should i have confidence in this type of progress or is it too animalistic to change?

What even defines this male sexuality? In my opinion it's culture-driven manifestations and magnifications of biological impulse. It's not mind over matter, it's full integration of mind with matter.

Women don't deserve violence for liking men sexually. Yet it is what so much of us receive as the payoff. Where do we even go from here? "Political lesbianism" is not a solution. Heterosexual women do not deserve this.

If I ever see the word "hole" again I'm cracking.

My friends tell me "go to a therapist, your views on sex are weird." No they're fuckin not. Not when I see how men talk when they're alone.

I don't want to come off as reductive, bioessentialist, homophobic. I don't want to come off as bitter for being heterosexual. The sexual attraction I feel toward men isn't a choice, but I do choose to accept and fixate on it. Am I entitled to hope to be treated well? Am I doomed to sexual suffering- surely it's not outrageous for me to hope to be loved and treated well. Surely humans are evolved enough to have basic respect at dire times. Am I foolish to be hopeful? Basically I look at how men treat each other, how they talk about each other sexually. In my mind it's unacceptable. I don't care if that sounds bad. I know the way men think sexually about each other is just a magnified version of how they discuss women. Why are they concerned with degradation and ruination? Why is sex about destruction to them? Dissolution of respect? It is all about materialism. Is sex all about materialism? Why do I want to view sex constructively? Why must women be the fucking gatekeepers of our own safety? IS THIS biological when we know these hormones do change your mind? Where is the line drawn between nature and nurture? Am I getting too blackpilled on this shit? If I believe that gender "isn't real", then shouldn't all this solve itself as a part of solving general misogyny? Should i have confidence in this type of progress or is it too animalistic to change? What even defines this male sexuality? In my opinion it's culture-driven manifestations and magnifications of biological impulse. It's not mind over matter, it's full integration of mind with matter. Women don't deserve violence for liking men sexually. Yet it is what so much of us receive as the payoff. Where do we even go from here? "Political lesbianism" is not a solution. Heterosexual women do not deserve this. If I ever see the word "hole" again I'm cracking. My friends tell me "go to a therapist, your views on sex are weird." No they're fuckin not. Not when I see how men talk when they're alone.

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72 comments

Lesbian opinion here but I've noticed men tend to use women for sex and labour and instead find friendship, support, and protection in other men.

It's not fair and I'm sorry that heterosexual women have to deal with this. But what if you emulated this behaviour? Don't rely on a man for friendship, financial support, protection, romance. Make female friendships so close and full of love and trust it borders on homoerotic (lord knows men do this all the time!).

  • focus on gaining financial independence and securing it, never merge accounts with a man or give up a job or opportunity for him

  • leave at the slightest hint of a red flag, take no shit at all. It always baffles me how some women get into a 'I can fix him' / 'I can make him understand' mindset. If he doesn't respect you, it's not because he doesn't understand. It's because he refuses to.

  • don't let him move in / retain your own property. A heartbreaking number of women wind up homeless (even late in life) because they were kicked out of their shared home / didn't get the house in the divorce. Keeping your own property (if you can) is also a financial safety net.

  • get his opinions on porn and sexual interests way before you start sleeping together. I think women who don't 'out' themselves as anti-porn at the talking stage get more honesty from men about their behaviour. Don't settle for a porn user / addict. Also, work out if his language about sex is destructive - does he see sex as an intimate act of love or does he only call it fucking? Does he hate the term 'make love'? Does he use aggressive language - screwing, facefucking? Red flags.

I'm sorry that they aren't reliable - or, at least, that there aren't enough men that will treat a woman with respect and love.

If it's a grim sort of solace, plenty of lesbians are also pornsick and kink-twisted. My first time was with a girl who tried to choke me sans warning because 'it feels better that way'. A lesbian friend of mine was repeatedly pressured by her ex to deepthroat a strap-on.

I lucked out with my current partner, a self-declared prude who cherishes our intimacy. But it's rough out there on the dating scene :(

The things you note are important, but for me financial independence is something all humans in the developed world need to have covered anyway. For me sexual relationship is merely an aspiration, a hope - but I feel in some ways even hoping in this will yield mixed outcomes for myself. The hoping alone. Your points about language are the most potent. If he views it destructively it will come out in his thoughts.

Freakishly, I feel like female sociality is a luxury. I went to a majority male school as a child, studied STEM in univeristy, now work with mostly men, and my few female contacts have gone politically wayward... I don't know how to meet women.

If it's a grim sort of solace, plenty of lesbians are also pornsick and kink-twisted.

Very sorry to hear this. It seems the infection is spreading.

This is basically my strategy, and I have found it very powerful. I'm a former one-of-the-guys girl, but now that I'm older I have strong quasi-romantic friendships with women while dating men (and become increasingly picky about which ones). And giving men the anti-porn talk and a good few rad fem rants pretty early on definitely helps. I also made a conscious effort to orient myself socially and professionally to women, in the way men do to men - I will always choose to work with a woman, support the creative output of a woman, talk to a woman at a party, whatever else... over men. It took a while to deprogram myself from my male-centric fascination and desire to impress patriarchs, but it now feels completely natural to centre women. I'm still hopelessly heterosexual, and am someone who falls hard and fairly obsessively, and I deeply love my current male partner, but I'm happier for being always grounded in the world of women that I live in that is so much bigger than my personal sexual life.

And giving men the anti-porn talk and a good few rad fem rants pretty early on definitely helps.

Just a tip to everyone...be careful about doing this. Men lie and will pretend to be exactly who you want him to be so he can gain access to your body and intimacy.

I read a tip on dumb foxing this, and just asking about his kinks/favourite types of porn (while seeming not to mind). Apparently, a lot of men will open up about their addictions if they think you don't mind. (Obviously, don't let them know this is a dealbreaker, they will just lie to the next woman, or even to you. "They have changed" and such).

I'm not at all interested in dating these days, so I have 0 experience with this tip. But thought I would share in case it's useful to anyone.