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I don't want to come off as reductive, bioessentialist, homophobic. I don't want to come off as bitter for being heterosexual. The sexual attraction I feel toward men isn't a choice, but I do choose to accept and fixate on it.

Am I entitled to hope to be treated well? Am I doomed to sexual suffering- surely it's not outrageous for me to hope to be loved and treated well. Surely humans are evolved enough to have basic respect at dire times. Am I foolish to be hopeful?

Basically I look at how men treat each other, how they talk about each other sexually. In my mind it's unacceptable. I don't care if that sounds bad. I know the way men think sexually about each other is just a magnified version of how they discuss women. Why are they concerned with degradation and ruination? Why is sex about destruction to them? Dissolution of respect? It is all about materialism. Is sex all about materialism?

Why do I want to view sex constructively?

Why must women be the fucking gatekeepers of our own safety? IS THIS biological when we know these hormones do change your mind? Where is the line drawn between nature and nurture? Am I getting too blackpilled on this shit? If I believe that gender "isn't real", then shouldn't all this solve itself as a part of solving general misogyny? Should i have confidence in this type of progress or is it too animalistic to change?

What even defines this male sexuality? In my opinion it's culture-driven manifestations and magnifications of biological impulse. It's not mind over matter, it's full integration of mind with matter.

Women don't deserve violence for liking men sexually. Yet it is what so much of us receive as the payoff. Where do we even go from here? "Political lesbianism" is not a solution. Heterosexual women do not deserve this.

If I ever see the word "hole" again I'm cracking.

My friends tell me "go to a therapist, your views on sex are weird." No they're fuckin not. Not when I see how men talk when they're alone.

I don't want to come off as reductive, bioessentialist, homophobic. I don't want to come off as bitter for being heterosexual. The sexual attraction I feel toward men isn't a choice, but I do choose to accept and fixate on it. Am I entitled to hope to be treated well? Am I doomed to sexual suffering- surely it's not outrageous for me to hope to be loved and treated well. Surely humans are evolved enough to have basic respect at dire times. Am I foolish to be hopeful? Basically I look at how men treat each other, how they talk about each other sexually. In my mind it's unacceptable. I don't care if that sounds bad. I know the way men think sexually about each other is just a magnified version of how they discuss women. Why are they concerned with degradation and ruination? Why is sex about destruction to them? Dissolution of respect? It is all about materialism. Is sex all about materialism? Why do I want to view sex constructively? Why must women be the fucking gatekeepers of our own safety? IS THIS biological when we know these hormones do change your mind? Where is the line drawn between nature and nurture? Am I getting too blackpilled on this shit? If I believe that gender "isn't real", then shouldn't all this solve itself as a part of solving general misogyny? Should i have confidence in this type of progress or is it too animalistic to change? What even defines this male sexuality? In my opinion it's culture-driven manifestations and magnifications of biological impulse. It's not mind over matter, it's full integration of mind with matter. Women don't deserve violence for liking men sexually. Yet it is what so much of us receive as the payoff. Where do we even go from here? "Political lesbianism" is not a solution. Heterosexual women do not deserve this. If I ever see the word "hole" again I'm cracking. My friends tell me "go to a therapist, your views on sex are weird." No they're fuckin not. Not when I see how men talk when they're alone.

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72 comments

Sure! I met my ex in a semi-small college discussion class and we became friends by just running into each other a lot and chatting. I eventually caught feelings and confessed to him, but he rejected me even though he had feelings for me because he didn't know how serious his feelings were and didn't want to lead me on (very sweet, very green flag). We started dating two months later, 6 months after we first met. We also did long distance for the vast majority of our relationship for reasons I won't elaborate on here.

I met my boyfriend when I studied abroad; we were matched as language exchange partners by an algorithm. We became friends by video calling regularly to practice our target languages, and he caught feelings for me before we even met in person. We met in person as friends twice and I started to like him. Right before I left the country, we met and confessed to each other and he said he'd wait for me to come back. We did long distance for 6 months before we met for the first time as a couple, and we haven't closed the distance yet, so there's a lot of long distance in our future.

Some things about them that I think contribute to them being sweet/decent: it was both of their first relationship, both were shy/quiet/reserved, and both had open minds / international interests. Asian countries -- both are from Asia -- definitely have a ton of misogyny, but it's different from what you find in the West... I was able to teach/educate both of them about misogyny and patriarchy in the west (and they believed me very easily because I grew up here and they didn't), and talk through any prejudices related to their upbringing over time. Neither one believed any misogynistic shit, but my ex had some mild racial prejudices from growing up in a homogenous country and my bf didn't know about things like how beauty standards can be oppressive. Actually, on our first date, I asked my bf jokingly if [men of his nationality] were / he was patriarchal, since people close to me had worried about that, and he said sincerely that [men of his nationality] were indeed often patriarchal, but he wasn't, since he was open-minded.

Also, I kind of put up a lot of barriers to entry for non-good guys, depending on how you see it. First, I don't wear makeup or shave my legs, and although I try to look cute, I prioritize comfort in dress, probably due to autism sensory issues / disregard for arbitrary social norms tbh. Since both were attracted to me regardless and loved me the way I am, that was a good sign. I was also open about my feminist beliefs and used that as a litmus test for if I wanted to date them. We waited for sex, especially with my current bf (6 months lol), and I think a lot of shitty guys would have just given up at that point. Long distance really sucks, but a guy being willing to do it shows that he values an emotional/romantic connection just as much as or more than a physical/sexual connection. Oh, and in both cases we were friends for months first.

Honestly, if I hadn't met my current bf, I was prepared to be single for a while, since I didn't want to use dating apps and wanted to meet someone organically and become friends first. I know that takes a lot of luck, though. Sending good vibes your way to meet a good person!

Thank you for your detailed response! They both sound very sweet and respectful.

I think that’s probably the best way to meet a man—in real life through shared experiences/circumstances, like a class or activity of some kind. Dating apps are full of really gross men who only want to hook up and I gave up on them pretty quickly. I’ve met a couple good men through my hobbies, but of course they’re married!

It’s definitely a good sign when he’s willing to wait for sex… if he actually cares about you and your boundaries he will wait. You’re right that most shitty guys will just give up if they don’t get it right away.

Thanks for the good vibes, sending some your way too! :)