19

https://www.today.com/parents/today-survey-pandemic-parenting-finds-moms-are-burnt-out-t217123

Lots of stupid advice about "centering yourself" even just for a "few moments". Actually moms just need HELP. From the other half of the parental unit, AKA men. That's it. Just fucking share the childcare and chores already!!

I mean decent outside childcare that is actually affordable would also help. Reasonable leave and unemployment laws would also have been friggin great. But mainly: dads need to be pitching in as much as moms.

I absolutely despise this kind of mamby pamby crap that we spoon-feed to women. Women are the majority of Today's viewers. NAME THE ACTUAL PROBLEM.

https://www.today.com/parents/today-survey-pandemic-parenting-finds-moms-are-burnt-out-t217123 Lots of stupid advice about "centering yourself" even just for a "few moments". Actually moms just need HELP. From the other half of the parental unit, AKA *men*. That's it. Just fucking share the childcare and chores already!! I mean decent outside childcare that is actually affordable would also help. Reasonable leave and unemployment laws would also have been friggin great. But mainly: dads need to be pitching in as much as moms. I absolutely despise this kind of mamby pamby crap that we spoon-feed to women. Women are the majority of Today's viewers. NAME THE ACTUAL PROBLEM.

19 comments

[–] OatsNeckties 9 points (+9|-0)

The "just for a few moments" crap drives me up the wall. I don't need a few moments to breathe deeply or have a cup of tea, I need several hours to myself without a child on my lap. Fat chance of that when the daycare was closed.

A brief break to "centre myself" was worse than nothing in the same way a tiny snack is worse than nothing when you're very hungry.

[–] Boudicaea [OP] 3 points (+3|-0)

Exactly! They tell us to settle for a few scraps. Meanwhile are men expected to starve for time to themselves. Of course not, they need their time to work, exercise, play video games, smoke in the garage! Grrrrrrrr

[–] Tnetennba 7 points (+7|-0)

I say again, these headlines need to be changed to reflect reality.

"Women leaving workforce in record numbers because their husbands are too lazy, entitled, and sexist to help out at home."

[–] Vanya 5 points (+5|-0)

It scares me seeing all these articles about how women are primarily the ones losing their jobs or quitting during the pandemic. Especially when many men are now working from home and can't be bothered to do housework or care for the children. I wonder what the long-term effects are going to be of all these women realizing their career is always going to be second to their husbands. I hope more women start to wake up, but with all these articles about "centering yourself" and a lack of emotional support due to being stuck at home with the kids I'm not sure that's going to happen anytime soon. I feel like the current understanding is that women should be able to do this alone and if they can't they just need to learn to juggle a few minutes of self-care along with their other responsibilities.

[–] Boudicaea [OP] 5 points (+5|-0)

I feel like the current understanding is that women should be able to do this alone and if they can't they just need to learn to juggle a few minutes of self-care along with their other responsibilities.

That is EXACTLY the current understanding, as shown by this stupid article. We are expected to just keep sucking it up. Something has got to change.

[–] Vanya 2 points (+2|-0)

I worry especially because women aren't usually able to have free time to spend with other women, so they don't see how widespread it is. They're just stuck at home thinking this is how things are supposed to be, and unless they live with other female relatives they don't have anyone to help with housework or childcare.

[–] Boudicaea [OP] 2 points (+2|-0)

Yep. My little sister just had a baby. She is working full time, caring for a newborn, working on her master's and cleaning the house. I asked her where her husband is all day. He has some shitty job (my sister makes more money I think) and is a personal trainer, and also "needs his me time". I was like... what about your me time?!?

Only her MIL is helping. My dad lives in town, and two sisters (both childfree). I told her she needs to get my dad and my one unemployed sister to help out when she and her husband are both working. And stop worrying about a clean house. I am coming to visit and told her I would watch the baby while she gets things done/has some time to herself. She's super nervous about leaving her baby, ever, because she's breastfed exclusively and is scared to have the baby take formula. But is obviously not able to pump with a baby strapped to her 24/7 while doing all this. Don't even get me started on the anti-formula campaign, allegedly a "feminist" enterprise.

I dunno. I had my MIL when my son was born, thank God, otherwise I would have lost my mind. She passed away, so if we have another child I am worried. It is a really big problem that women are so isolated.

A lot more divorces are happening during the pandemic. I know one woman who left her husband because he wouldn’t do childcare or prioritize her career.

[–] mountainwitch 4 points (+4|-0) Edited

Keeping a toddler entertained has been THE WORST. Taking a "few moments" to myself only results in more stress because holy shit you can't leave a toddler alone for any length of time without complete chaos.

Mostly I worry. I worry how the lack of peer socialization will affect my child and children worldwide. I worry this is the new normal and my kid may be deprived of a real childhood and accept being cooped up indoors and never going out as a lifestyle. A few fucking moments isn't going to change the problems mothers are facing. I meditate, I do yoga, I practice self care, and parenting during a pandemic is still unbearably difficult some (if not most) days. I feel like a failure. I can't do anything "normal" with my kid and I am all out of ideas and motivation for doing more than keeping afloat.

[–] Amareldys 4 points (+4|-0)

Funnily I was doing yoga and it felt like one more chore. So I stopped.

[–] spacykate 2 points (+2|-0) Edited

A lot of self care strikes me as just more chores. I don't have kids but am more or less perpetually depressed and when I'm in a more depressed state all the self care crud is just more stuff to do that I don't wanna.

Clean a room? How about no

Yoga? Now I'm limber and exhausted

etc

[–] Amareldys 1 points (+1|-0)

I never understood why women on TV shows always want to go to the spa. Facials HURT. So do manicures. Hell, often, so do massages but with those you feel better after... Being poked at with sharp implements isn't a treat for me. It's something I sometimes do so I can look nice for others. I feel good after I do that because I am more pleasing to look at. But it's not for -me-.

[–] mountainwitch 1 points (+1|-0)

Haha my practice is definitely not consistent due to workload, but it helps me manage my PTSD and anger so it's something I find necessary (for myself) in order to be a decent parent.

[–] Boudicaea [OP] 3 points (+3|-0)

I relate so much to what you are saying here. My son is a preschooler, and he also is an only child. He was a young three when the pandemic started.

I remember before I got childcare back just breaking down and crying about all of these things you are talking about. We put him back in daycare as soon as we could, despite the risks, because we (mainly meaning me) just could not take working at the same time as parenting a small child anymore. We were extremely lucky to even get a spot. And that was in August!!

I know for a FACT exactly how lucky I am to have been able to even find or use childcare. I cannot imagine having gone the entire winter without some other kids around for my kid. It was bad enough March through August.

[–] mountainwitch 2 points (+2|-0)

I'm glad you were able to find a childcare provider! Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

My son is almost 3 now and has never really interacted with other children his age on a consistent basis. Sometimes we take the risk and I bring him to go hang out with the older neighborhood kids (less than a handful of times a month). He always watches from the sidelines and doesn't play unless one particular little girl is there.

We are doubly screwed as American citizens in India.... definitely not putting him in school any time soon. Now I can't even daydream about going back home because travel is so dangerous 😂😭. My sister in law has a newborn so at least he is able to be around a child now!

[–] Boudicaea [OP] 1 points (+1|-0)

Oh man, I am sorry you're stuck in the thick of it now too. Hope you stay safe.

One thought that comforted me a bit was that kids used to not even start school until they were six! Granted, some had other kids around, siblings, etc., but not all. My father in law was only been around other kids at church until he was six. He's fine and very social.

Kids are super resilient. I am sure your kiddo will come through it OK. He is still very young. Hang in there mama!

Any time someone scoffs when you mention the Patriarchy or says they don't think it's real, ask them why when men are tasked with taking care of their own children it's called "babysitting."