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I am formally proposing a circle for Roller Derby, as it is supposed to be a female-dominated sport yet it was one of the first to include trans women. No questions asked, or you get kicked out, and this puts women in physical danger.
I’d like those who play derby (I know there were some comments on my post that was only up for a few hours) to have a place to talk about our frustrations with these policies without having to fear being kicked off their team
ETA: I will post in save women’s sports but I honestly don’t think it fits since derby took this stance so strongly and so early, and derby is so unlike other sports….I think it deserves its own circle
ETA: removed the repost explanation since it’s been almost a day since the original was erroneously removed.
I don't think it should be dismissed. It is a valid sadness for many parents, particularly in an era of much smaller families, and many more single-child families. In the "olden days" you'd likely get multiple of each. Today that's not the case.
It doesn't mean these parents love their children any less. But it does mean they will get a different experience than they might have looked forward to.
I think it really matters which sex we’re disappointed about. There is NO valid reason to prefer a boy or want one that I can think of.
They do need to stop making these thoughts public though. It's one thing to be disappointed. It's another thing to tell the world about it.
I feel that there's a difference between "I have four sons, at least one daughter would have been nice" and "I have three sons, but sadly, the fourth was a worthless daughter".
So, I don't have a problem with women from somewhat civilised countries telling other women in women only forums that they would have liked a daughter.
Now, men from deeply misogynist countries telling all and sundry (including their daughters) that they only ever wanted sons ... that's different.
Men having any opinion about it is ridiculous. They need to learn to be quiet and do something productive
So feelings that some women have - quite possibly temporarily - are too what!? to be said out loud? Please enlighten me.
It doesn’t need to be blasted on the internet to live forever. It really doesn’t. Friends, family, therapists, diaries, and support groups are all there.
I suppose it depends what the community is. It may be a private (or considered private) forum where women share intimate stuff more openly with one another.
Its depressing how many mothers I've known who said they didn't want daughters because girls are "too much drama". One such woman admitted to crying when her ultrasound said it was a girl. But, thankfully, she now loves her daughter because, surprise surprise, little girls are individuals and not a fluffy pink monolith.
The other woman I know had a son. And is debating weather or not to try for another baby because there's a 50% chance it'll be a girl (and she may do IVF to guarantee another son).
It seems that the attitude that daughters are more troublesome to raise than sons is common with NLOGs, Cool Girls, and Pick-Mes.
Yes, I also hate that. Frankly I'd find it much more stressful to raise a boy in today's porn-sick world.
Yes, I also hate that. Frankly I'd find it much more stressful to raise a boy in today's porn-sick world.
THIS! I'm so glad I had a girl!
And I don't know where people get the idea that little girls are more "drama". Its not like little boys are immune from meltdowns and tantrums
Yeah, I know a male toddler who has tantrums about getting the exact dinner he asked for ten minutes previously. Only he changed his mind and wants something else now. (His parents enable this by asking him what he wants for dinner. Can't recall I was ever asked that at age 3) It is hardly imagineable that a girl could be more dramatic than that.
I mean, yeah, possibly girls are more given to emotional drama when they're teens, but ... that doesn't really matter, now, does it?
The time when they're toddlers and throwing a tantrum in the supermarket because you won't buy them a chocolate bar, that is what matters.
Teens, well, you might feel bad for them, but ultimately, it's not your responsibility when they have friendship drama because their best friend is best friends with another girl now, or some shit.
I think women who say they want boys because they're "easier" actually mean they want boys because boys become someone else's problem, while if you don't manage to protect your daughter, she suffers. It's egoism, plain and simple. "Oh, sure, I didn't manage to keep my son away from porn, but anyway, it's not my daughter he strangulated during sex, and he's not even in prison for it, so I won!"
Girls have emotional drama as teens. So do boys. The difference is the girls express it (maybe messily at first) and the boys go out and physically harm other people, mostly girls
My father's fourth wife was like that. She opted out of having a fourth child in case it turned out to be a girl. She and I had a terrible relationship, and 99 percent of the "drama" was her fault. I've come around to the idea that such women are afraid of having daughters because they are the ones who bring drama to female relationships.
My father's fourth wife was like that. She opted out of having a fourth child in case it turned out to be a girl. She and I had a terrible relationship, and 99 percent of the "drama" was her fault.
The fact that she chose to be someone's fourth wife is proof that she actually LOVES drama and is likely the center of it 99% of the time (no offense to your dad, but that's not a choice I would make if I didn't want drama in my life LOL)
I've come around to the idea that such women are afraid of having daughters because they are the ones who bring drama to female relationships.
This is 100% true. I wasn't afraid of having a daughter because most girls I was friends with growing up didn't bring exhausting "drama" into my life. The whole "girls are dramatic" thing becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when these NLOG women have daughters and project all their insecurities and misogynistic assumptions onto them
I agree with your sentiment about the 4th wife thing but didn’t wanna be the one to say it.
no offense to your dad
Oh no, feel free to offend him. He was a trainwreck when it came to romantic relationships.
This is disgusting. Like, milk left out in the heat for 3 weeks disgusting.
I have sympathy for the feelings. I've been pregnant 5 times, and each time I found myself picturing a future little child -- what they would look like, act like, and yes, that includes their sex. I told myself every time not to get attached to these ideas, but it's hard to help it -- when you are newly pregnant, ideas of who your child will be are all you have.
That said, certainly some people take it too far. I've seen gender reveals where men stomp off in anger upon learning they have a daughter on the way, and that's just fucked up. What will that girl think one day, seeing that video? I also think it's wrong to have more children just in an attempt to get a certain sex. Those kids will grow up knowing that their parents did not want them. That's just awful.
I would say I understand the feelings, but also think they should be quickly dealt with and hidden from the child. Talking about them in private online, I don't mind. But I do worry that that woman's sons will learn one day that Daddy didn't want them.
Sure, a mom will have all those emotions and feelings. Are dads really fantasizing about all the quality time they’ll spend with their future child? Maybe some rare ones.
It would be great if men decentered all their emotions and focused on being responsible and equal parents. Then maybe all the histrionics can follow. during pregnancy, mom is already literally doing the work. She can feel her feelings. Dad needs to be focused on supporting her. That’s my 0.02
Sex disappointment, surely.
I have only sons. I admit I wish I had had a daughter too. But never did I feel 'disappointed' that my children are male, never did I wish any one of them were someone else. I wish I had had a daughter in the same way I wish my nana had still been alive when I had my first child or the way I wish I had a private income and got laid well and often: it would have been cool if it had happened, it didn't, life has not been blighted.
I have one child, a son. I only ever wanted one child. Before he was born I wanted a daughter. When I got the results of the amnio saying I'd have a boy, I walked home from the Cambridge University Library across the playing fields of the King's College Chapel School yelling out loud, "I never wanted a boy!"
When he was born, all I cared about was that he was healthy, and mine. Since he was born, I have never once looked at him or thought about him "I wish he were a girl."
But, like you, I sometimes wish I had an imaginary daughter, too. My family is losing its X line of descent. Neither my sister nor I have daughters. My mother's sister (my aunt) did not have a biological daughter (and her adopted daughter has no children). My grandmother had three sisters, yet despite their being four of them, in the generation coming up behind me, there's only one female--and although she's old enough to have children I don't know if she has a daughter (we lost touch with her mother when her schizophrenia drove her out on the streets and she refused to have anything to do with family).
We wanted a girl but had a boy.
Now we love him so much.
We are very careful with what we say. We don't want him to feel there's anything wrong with being a boy.
It's pretty normal to A) imagine a future scenario and B) feel an amount of disappointment if that scenario doesn't happen. Especially when it's something as emotionally charged as having a child. I can't fault a mom who is venting in an appropriate place to people she knows would understand and not judge her for having some conflicting feelings. I don't think it's toxic unless the person legitimately can't get over it and it bleeds into how they treat their kid. Moms get enough pressure to never let it slip that motherhood isn't glorious 100% of the time.
All you have to say is "it's okay, one of them might actually be a girl inside."
(Please don't actually do this 😂)
It's human to want to experience raising both sexes. Not everyone does, but it's ok. By the time the child is born, that child will most likely be loved greatly and parents are going to spend the rest of their lives talking about being a "boy mom" and a "boy dad."
I know plenty of women, including feminist women, who have sons and are happy to have sons. I would not be, and I think that sentiment isn’t harmful and might even do some good if spread. But the feminist moms raising the next generation of male allies are doing important work too, and I applaud their resilience.
I think it is totally valid not to want a sex of child … but then you kind of have to opt out of parenting altogether because we ultimately can’t choose.
Sex-selective abortions have been possible for a long time; it’s why China has an over abundance of men. IVF may also allow parents to choose the sex of the baby. And once female parthenogenesis becomes reality, we can free children of the horrible reality of having biological fathers and ensure that those children are female.
The world needs more people like you....to call it out :)
What did you say to the women in the group? Did you challenge their reaction?
Ha, I didn’t (the hypocrisy isn’t lost on me)! I’m already permanently banned from Reddit for calling bullshit out so I’ve gotta save something …
I cannot quite find it in myself to be angry at people who want daughters. At least that sentiment hasn't yet lead to murder of male infants.
I should hope that the husband isn't going to break down and cry because he has no daughter. I mean. Wanting children of both sexes to get all the parenting experiences is understandable, but it's a nice to have, not a necessity.
I don’t really understand what parenting experiences you will get “all of” by having a child of each sex. Kids are individual people, so unless you’re literally looking forward to biological experiences like periods or beards, or excited to try to both raise a girl to have the least shitty experience possible AND raise a boy who doesn’t turn into a monster, the only experiences would involve gender stereotypes, right?
I wasn’t disappointed, but we were both pretty surprised when our fraternal twins were both boys after having two girls. My husband especially preferred the idea of having just girls and actually refused to believe the twins were boys until they were born. He thought the world of our two daughters and basically just wanted more kids just like them. He obviously loves our sons as well, but we both think it’s harder to raise good men than good women in this world because of porn and the way boys are allowed to behave. We run into issues with family all the time because we’re too hard on our boys but also somehow too soft?