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This book has been very helpful to help me understand the abuse I have survived.

I am currently on Chapter 8: Abusive Men and Addiction on page 192 I saw this and wanted to share.

A doctor theoretically may be able to develop specialties in both brain surgery and pelvic reconstruction—although it would be very difficult, given the complexities involved—but if he or she claims to perform one procedure that can solve a problem in both areas, you shouldn’t buy it.

This book has been very helpful to help me understand the abuse I have survived. I am currently on Chapter 8: Abusive Men and Addiction on page 192 I saw this and wanted to share. > A doctor theoretically may be able to develop specialties in both brain surgery and pelvic reconstruction—although it would be very difficult, given the complexities involved—but if he or she claims to perform one procedure that can solve a problem in both areas, you shouldn’t buy it.

22 comments

[–] SamuraiGhostCat 36 points Edited

Link to the free PDF here

Also highly recommend this book. It’s saved thousands of women. Just like The Gift of Fear.

Edit: The author (Lundy Bancroft) has also been called a TERF by TRAs because he knows that TIMs need to stay the fuck out of women’s spaces (like rape shelters). He’s a true ally to women.

Where has he said this? I would love a link if you have it.

https://lundybancroft.com/state-of-domestic-violence-service

The fact that men can also be victims of domestic violence does not make it in any way a good idea for the same programs that serve female victims to also serve males, including any biological male even if he identifies as a female.

This too:

https://i.imgur.com/AlCCJrc.jpg

Just google “Lundy Bancroft terf” (or “trans”) to see male TRAs foaming at the mouth about this, lol.

A man who has dedicated decades of his life to calling out abusive men and standing up for women rightfully calls out more abusive men for barging into women’s spaces and calling themselves women. Color me shocked! 😮😂

Thanks for the information, it is heartening to see him have the courage to stand up for women in this climate.

I've been waiting for Gavin de Becker to make a public statement, I haven't seen it yet, though I love love love his books and can tell from them that he's against biological men in women's spaces. But I haven't seen him come out with it in recent years. I don't know if that's just because he's withdraw from being a semi-public persona or because he doesn't want to delve into it.

i've seen that he's been accused of being an abuser himself. But idk if anything came out of that or if it's true

This book is amazing. Helped me to trust myself more and (paradoxically) fear less.

Thank you so much for the links. My local library doesn't have either book. And I had to be waitlisted for six weeks for Why does he do that via interlibrary loans. The Gift of Fear isn't available threw interlibrary loans.

You’re very very welcome!! These are life-changing books that every woman should read. ♡

I've been recommending this book left and right to people - even to those who feel they have never been abused. Reading it reveals how pervasive it is in society.

Reading it reveals how pervasive it is in society.

It really does!

I initially got the book so I could try to move past the sexual, physical, verbal, finacial, emotional, and psychological abuse from my ex whom I share a child with and have orders if protection against. Like, in my head I knew what he did was abuse but I never even began to process it until now 5 years after we separated with a child abuse order and domestic violence order granted before fleeing to a new state. All advice I would get from friends and family was to just move on like I could magically forget being woken up to in the middle of the night being raped which led to an unplanned pregnancy being told if I considered abortion he would kill me then kill himself. And him wripping our infant child from my arms when I tried to stand up to him saying I would never see my child again. That shit sticks with you.

Which led me to realize how my family of Orgin normalized this stuff way before then. I dont like admitting that my grandpa had these beliefs ingrained into him. Which lead to his sons being raised to think it's normal and so on and so forth. It sucks being the one to realize that things can't go on like they are and breaking the cycle of abuse while others want the cycle to remain the same.

Wow, your story is all kinds of messed up! I just started reading because I was curious. Only afterwards did I realize some of the subtler forms of abuse ar epresent in my father - and his brothers, so I guess their father was like that. Afterwards I was active on the reddit r/abusive relationships, and I was astonished to see how many women told stories that made me sick to my stomach. I am so in awe of women who not only survive, but learn to cope afterwards! I don't know how you do it, but here you are: calmly talking about stuff that I dare not even think about! How amazing!

So I keep on recommending Lundy's book, partially because I think all women ought to read it, but also more recently because I appreciate his honesty in naming the problem. He never goes the "yeah, but men and women are abusive" route. He acknowledges that it does happen sometimes, but very rarely, and then just continues to refer to the abuser as a man throughout. Granted the book is old, but I feel we can still benefit from his honesty in discussions on GC.

I do hope you manage to mend some of the hurt. I do realize one can't just "move on" from stuff like what happened to you. And I hope you find the support structure you need.

He never goes the "yeah, but men and women are abusive" route. He acknowledges that it does happen sometimes, but very rarely, and then just continues to refer to the abuser as a man throughout.

This is good to know.

Obviously, female abusers are awful. But its a different dynamic when the abuser is male because of the difference in physical strength. If a female lover abused me, I would at least be evenly matched if she got physical. If a male lover got physical with me, I could easily die

It's also a question of degree. Lots of men do messed up stuff to women, but they need to view themselves as good guys, so they justify and minimize their behavior. So, a guy who slaps his wife will say 'at least don't punch her' and a guy who punches his wife will say 'at least I don't use a weapon', and so forth. Always minimizing, always deflecting to the 'real bad guys, the ones who are worse'.

Also, some of this nonsense is so ingrained in society that we don't often notice the more subtle forms of abuse. Ever read a romance novel? So many of them are about a man learning to minimize his abuse of his lust object in the name of love. And, don't let me go off on how many people think 'Every Breath You Take' by The Police is a love son!!

I just bought this book for rehab clients I work for. I read it a year ago and it changed my life. it should be required reading.

I can't recommend this book enough. Imagine if every teen girl was given a copy! So many abusive relationships and crappy marriages would be prevented.