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Thank you for sharing. Abusers know what they are doing and this is a great reminder of that
The reasons they have were sobering as hell, so thought out and deliberate. Men don't fly off the handle, men abuse to maintain control.
Certainly they don't "fly off the handle" because they never do it to their boss at work.
One commenter in the video said her ex calmly took her kids, put them in the car and then went into the house and forcibly dragged her out of the home. Like it was never a mindless act, hateful sure, but not uncontrolled. He knew what he was doing. It was fucking crazy.
I found this list and sent it to my then husband and he admitted to so many of these. It was the first time he hadn't played dumb about his behavior being wrong and how it affected me. He knew the entire time, but he only admitted it that once. The rest of the time he played dumb and made excuses like hard childhood, poor communication skills, caring too much, not knowing it was wrong, not knowing how it made me feel. I was constantly in this loop of trying to "teach" him the same things over and over. And then I realized he fucking KNEW.
That's the rub isn't it. They're never not in the know about this, it's us who they're trying to fool. Not just individually but on the societal level, making it easier for other men to abuse us.
Making you second guess reality was also on the list, as well as discrediting you to friends and family. It's so sickening.
So this channel is bringing up an article written some time ago, about men describing the functionality of abuse. That is serves a purpose and is done for that purpose. She also offers her opinions on it but I found it very informative as we're hearing from the horse's mouth, the reason why they did this.
The article she's speaking about, written by Chuck Derry;
For many years, I facilitated court mandated groups for men who batter. In the early 1980s we were concentrating on healthy relationship skills building, emotional identification and self control, and anger management, among other related issues. Then battered women in Duluth, Minnesota, began gathering to discuss the impact of the violence on their lives. What emerged was that the men who beat them not only physically assaulted them, but also controlled where they went, who they talked to, what they wore, where they worked, if they worked, how the money was spent, when, with whom, and how they had sex, how the kids were raised, how the domestic labor was split in the household. You get the picture. Basically, the men got to control the women to get what the men wanted… and the threat and use of violence was the bottom line that ensured it would happen.
Now I was training men in weekly groups at the time to use assertiveness when in conflict with their wives or girlfriends, teaching them how to access and express their feelings appropriately. Then I would send them home to practice. The next week they would come back and report that their new assertiveness “skills” weren’t working. I asked them why, and they would say, “Because she still did A, B, C, and D and would not do E, F, and G.” Which is what he wanted. I began then to slowly understand that I was teaching men multiple personal life skills and they were simply using those skills in attempts to control women even more effectively.
So what was the point? Why were they so invested in this controlling and abusive behavior?
One night I started the group by asking the men what they thought the benefits were of their violence. At first they all looked at each other (notably) and said, “There are no benefits.” This did not surprise me, as men who batter routinely deny their actions—as they deny their intents as well. So I said, “Well, there must be some benefits from the violence; otherwise why would you do it?” They looked at each other again and then one guy started admitting there were benefits, and then they all chimed in until the four-by-eight-foot blackboard I was writing their responses on was full.
Here is a list of the benefits they cited (until we ran out of space):
-She’s scared and won’t go out and spend money
-Get your way: go out
-Respect
-She won’t argue
-Feeling superior: she’s accountable to me in terms of being somewhere on time: I decide
-Keeps relationship going—she’s too scared to leave
-Get the money
-Get sex
-Total control in decision making
-Use money for drugs
-Don’t have to change for her
-Power
-Decide where to go (as a couple)
-Who to see
-What to wear
-Control the children
-If she’s late, she won’t be again
-Intimidation
-She’s scared & can’t confront me
-Can convince her she’s screwin’ up
-She feels less worthy so defers to my needs and wants
-She will look up to me and accept my decisions without an argument
-Decide her social life—what she wears so you can keep your image by how she acts
-She’s to blame for the battering
-She’s an object
-(I get) a robot babysitter, maid, sex, food
-Ego booster
-She tells me I’m great
-Bragging rights
-If she works—get her money
-Get her to quit job so she can take care of house
-Isolate her so friends can’t confront me
-Decide how money is spent
-“I’m breadwinner”
-Buy the toys I want
-Take time for myself
-She has to depend on me if I break her stuff
-I get to know everything
-She’s a nurse-maid
-She comforts me
-Supper on the table
-Invite friends over w/o her knowin’ = more work for her
-No compromise = more freedom
-Don’t have to listen to her complaints for not letting her know stuff
-She works for me
-I don’t have to help out
-I don’t have to hang out with her or kids
-Determine what values kids have—who they play with, what school they go to or getting to ignore the process—dictating what they “need” food, clothes, recreation, etc.
-Dictate reality, etc.
-Kids on my side against her
-Kids do what I say
-Mold kids/her so that they will help do what I should do
-Keeps kids quiet about abuse
-Don’t have to get up, take out garbage, watch kids, do dishes, get up at night with kids, do laundry, change diapers, clean house, bring kids to appointments or activities, mop floors, clean refrigerator, etc.
-Answer to nobody
-Do what you want, when you want to
-Get to ignore/deny your history of violence and other irresponsible behavior
-Get to write history
-Get to determine future
-Choose battles & what it will cost her
-Proves your superiority
-Win all the arguments
-Don’t have to listen to her wishes, complaints, anger, fears, etc.
-Make the rules then break them when you want
-So she won’t get help against you for past beatings because she has no friends to support her and she is confused by my lies
-Convince her she’s nuts
-Convince her she’s unattractive
-Convince her she’s to blame
-Convince her she’s the problem
-I can dump on her
-Can use kids to “spy” on mom
-Kids won’t tell mom what I did
-Kids won’t disagree with me
-Don’t have to talk to her
-I’m king of the castle
-Can make yourself scarce
-Have someone to unload on
-Have someone to bitch at
-She won’t call police
-Tell kids don’t have to listen to mom
-Get her to drop charges
-Get her to support me to her family, my family, cops, judge, SCIP, prosecutors, etc
-Get her to admit it’s her fault
The first time I did this exercise I looked at the blackboard and I thought, “Oh my God. Why would they give it up?” I then decided to ask the men: Why give it up? They then filled a two-by-two foot space on the blackboard with things like, “get arrested,” “divorce,” “get protection orders taken out against you,” “adult kids don’t invite you to their weddings,” “have to go to groups like this.” That was about it.
This was the first time I fully comprehended the necessity of a consistent coordinated community response through the criminal, civil, and family court systems which can mete out safe and effective interventions that hold men who batter accountable while preserving the safety of the women, girls, and boys they abuse. It was on that day that I realized if I had to choose between providing batterer groups for men who batter or a consistently effective criminal and civil/family court response to domestic violence, I would choose the criminal and civil/family court response every time. There are just too many benefits gained from this behavior.
After that first time asking the men about the benefits of their violence, I began to be much more effective in my work. It was astounding how dramatically the groups changed once I acknowledged and remembered that the violence was functional— and that was why they used it.
Notice once one man spoke up they all did, and these are all things we've spoken about ourselves. They know what they're doing, but the societal gaslighting and group effort abuse help them keep us underfoot. I hope women continue to divest from men, couldn't care less about their loneliness, far as I'm concerned they're just upset they can't have personal slaves to abuse so fuck them.
Also the kids are brought up pretty often so these men are absolutely aware of what they're doing to both the mom and the kids. The abuse is so thorough.
I notice that “prove I’m superior” is present multiple times on this list in different forms, once again proving that men are not just evil but also so, so stupid. Beating or otherwise abusing your wife or girlfriend proves you are inferior to her by miles, and to all women, and even to a lot of men which is a LOW bar to crawl under. You’re basically an animal except no, animals are also superior to you because they aren’t intentionally being evil.
Men think limited, ill-gotten power wielded against people you are supposed to love and (as a man) serve is some form of superiority. I wonder if that level of dumbness and incapacity for even sort of understanding morality is even fixable at this point.
Also, Chuck doesn’t fool me. He could have written both these lists himself unless he is uncommonly stupid even by male standards. If this story is based on factual events rather than fabricated, it was done so he would have a way to make this point without admitting it is brain-numbingly obvious. Anyone with a pulse knows this. Maybe he should have pulled a page from Bancroft’s book and asked the WOMEN if he really couldn’t figure out how to put this one-piece jigsaw puzzle together.
So I assume he also knows his “solution” is blindingly, deafeningly obvious too, and that it hasn’t been implemented because ALL men benefit to SOME degree from this kind of behavior, even when they’re not currently exhibiting the worst forms of it. In a sensible world we wouldn’t be sitting around like the great stone Thinker in a permanent state of actionless meditation, because we’d know the solution was to immediately remove these men from society, permanently, by whatever means necessary—preferably at the very first warning signs, which are mathematical-levels of reliably predictable.
He gets weird about money? Gone. He gets weird about her clothes? Gone. Etc.
It’s really easy. We don’t need a blackboard. We don’t need a YouTube video. We need an alligator pit and permission to fucking USE it.
Not only are you right, but you are an amazing writer.
Chuck Derry? I swear almost the exact same thing is in the book Why Does He Do that by Lundy Bancroft.
A lot of these men were doing men's groups to help men and found this out about them. Not shocking to any of us but yeah.