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DiscussionStaying active during pregnancy
I did three half marathons and three triathlons in one summer just a couple of years ago. All the races were cancelled last year, otherwise I would have done pretty much the same. Now, with my pregnant belly, I struggle to run a couple of miles with a lot of walk breaks. It's my second pregnancy and I'm still surprised at how much it takes outta me.
At least swimming and yoga still feel good.
Sister, I know it probably doesn't help much to know that us lesbians' experience is very similar, but please take heart. You're not alone and even though we women who only seek other women are a minority of the population we manage to find each other. I think a lot of bi women are like straight women in that they see relationships with men as real, lasting, and adulthood status symbols and haven't really confronted their internalized homophobia around their ability to form relationships with women. I support febfems all the more because giving up and settling for some ain't shit man is the "easy route" for bi women.
I wonder if it would help, since you said you live in a small country, if you could find any holdout lesbian and gay organizations from previous generations by researching the history of gay rights in your country? I live in a Southern state of the US and so there are still remnants of underground women's networks despite the best efforts of both bible thumpers and trans invaders - I found several other lesbians my age through my research and asking around after old school radical feminist groups and events. You will still meet the occasional poli les especially among the older crowd but at least there are no men and nobody's boyfriends (Ed: and some of the nominally captured groups are so full of old activist lesbians that TIMs stay away and look for their hunting grounds to prey on baby lesbians elsewhere).
"they see relationships with men as real, lasting, and adulthood status symbols" oopp this! I felt this when I was dating a woman I felt as if my family saw it as a juvenile relationship until I dated the "real thing" which is men.
And I'll try your advance thank you!
I live in a Southern state of the US and so there are still remnants of underground women's networks despite the best efforts of both bible thumpers and trans invaders - I found several other lesbians my age through my research and asking around after old school radical feminist groups and events.
I found this really interesting - how did you go about doing this research and finding them? (since they were underground)
Second the advice to put febfem, or just "looking for a woman" on your profile, you can explain your sexuality and decisions as part of getting to know someone. But I think unfortunately you are hitting some of the issues even lesbians have, men dont respect women's sexuality or desires regardless of what we say, you are going to get them bothering you anywhere that is not strictly vetted. I am sorry other bi women are up your butt about dating men, swatting away men is part of wlw dating but its very demoralizing other women who are supposedly interested in women are telling you to do it, I think if only to stop them bothering you you should maybe take "bisexual" off your profile.
I met my long term partner in a facebook group, lol, it might be worth joining as many casual online LGBT spaces in your area as you can tolerate, even ones that are not devoted to dating, if you join a bunch you can figure out which ones are more or less queer oriented, and get leads on making friends who might introduce you to more IRL and online groups, and maybe your future wife :)
Its also very common for people who are gay dating to date long distance or even very long distance, my wife was across the US at the time I met her, lol. If there are other nearby countries where you know the language, or where there are people from your country there, consider checking out groups there too.
I've given up on dating. Was easier for me to come to terms with being single and learning to enjoy the freedom of a single life than to keep sifting through the spicy straight, scrote in a skirt soup that is "lesbian" dating sites. Which was super hard, as I've always been a hopeless romantic who has yearned to find "the one" but the fact of the matter is, the queer movement has destroyed the LGB and for me, it just wasn't worth the agony anymore, especially after getting "catfished" (does it count as catfishing when a man photoshops his pictures to look female and acts cagey about having a penis, yet is allowed to stay on the platform because TWAW lol?) by a TIM.
I can say though, if you are just looking for friends, I enjoy Club Monocle, which is extremely great at vetting males. It does have a dating section, but there is only 1 other gay woman within a 100 mile radius of me so I don't bother. But it's still nice to chat with others.
That's what I think is best for me to. I am also a hopeless romantic but maybe it's best for me to be single too though I find it lonely. Especially after dating my two toxic/abusive ex gf's. Honestly if I attract toxic women I would hate to see what kind of men I'd attract.
I'm sorry you were catfished too.
Thank you for recommending Club Monocle, I'd never heard of it! Downloading now :)
Are bisexuals allowed on club monocle?
Based on what is written on the website it's only for lesbians. They're making new sites for other LGB people though.
Women on the other hand try to pressure me to be "open" to trying guys
Well, misery likes company! Also please don't give up and kudos for you to being open about your sexual orientation + dating preferences! There are lesbians that will date a febfem.
Btw It's hard for us lesbians too, I found myself a bisexual female-leaning girlfriend and I frankly love her so much. I'm not from a super woke country and things were different when we met years ago
Thank for your reply!
I am happy to hear about you and your girlfriend!
In my experience, dating sites/apps are an extremely difficult way to form romantic relationships. They're set up like a meat market, it's really hard to bond with someone in that kind of forced context. And with the added difficulties of being bi or lesbian, and then dealing with all the trans shit... It's almost impossible.
That being said, I've done my share of online dating. But it really takes a community. You need a forum, a Discord server, some "place" to give you context and a focus aside from "am I romantically interested in this person." We don't really discover who someone is until we see them interacting with the world, and it takes time to really "feel someone out." It's much much easier to do this in a "community" setting.
I tried the febfem route and was pretty unsuccessful too. There aren't many options in my area, pretty conservative smallish city, but the rare women in dating apps are either she/theys TRAs, or mostly women with boyfriends looking for threesomes. Also lots of men who set their profiles as W4W just to match with bisexuals. I haven't gone on a date in about three years.
The first time I tried dating apps to find women was nearly 10 years ago and there wasn't so many poly women looking for a third, and almost no TW or she/theys. Now it's all there is. I gave up.
Another thing I noticed that changed in the past decade is that the WLW I used to see looked... normal. Now it's filled with highly sexualised pictures with lots of make up and filters. I'm completely turned off by that.
I'm still willing to date men, but I set my standards pretty high, so I can't find anyone either.
oh yeah about the makeup and filters thing. I prefer femmes but not ones caked with makeup and filters on that's off-putting for multiple reasons.
There was a man I really liked he was very attractive, bi, seemed sweet but then revealed himself to be another moid with a misogynistic fetish that stole my content then blocked me solidified me being febfem.
Men in dating apps seem to be the worst. Looking at the men I went out with in the past that were worth my while, they were all men who were not particularly looking for anyone. Meeting people in person where I am now is tough. I don't know any lesbians here, and bi women I know are way too young for me, and all handmaidens, and the few men in my age group that aren't completely trash are already in relationships. The single ones are single for a reason.
I feel lonely often, but I can cope with it. It's better being alone than to settle for what's available. I miss backpacking. I met some interesting people when travelling, although circumstances never really allowed things to developed further than a fling.
I feel the opposite is true for me all the normie lesbian/bi women are too old for me. All the ones around my age are gendies.
Yeah covid has really made things shit for everyone.I have joined social groups one which is lead by a lesbian couple which is great and helps me feel less lonely. I hope you find happiness soon.
That sounds absolutely awful. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe people would have a little more decency in person? A lot of actual WLW will tolerate queerios in the hopes of meeting another actual WLW so you could meet someone there in spite of the bullshit?
That's what my original plan was when going to the queerio event. But most of the girls there were bi women with bfs. There was only one lesbian couple where both were non binary/they/thems.
Ugh. Giggle is a TERFy woman-only platform with a dating app component. Have you tried that one?
A lot of this is gonna be because you’re bi. And I don’t know a way around that. But I wish you the best of luck and to find your future wife! There are women out there who will be right for you. They’re just so rare it’s hard to find. :(
I'm not sure if giggle is available in my country.
It's hard to explain yes im bi but I don't date men. No I am not a lesbian. Lesbian's aren't attracted to men and I am I just don't want to date them. No I won't change my mind nor am i "missing out" or "suppressing myself" by not dating men. In fact I feel that way if I did date men instead of women.
It is no wonder why some bi women identify as lesbians and write away their attraction to men as "comphet" so people don't pressure them as much to date men.
I completely agree. I wish we had a stronger term for febfem to be equated with lesbians when we are funxfioning in society the exact same way a lesbian would. There is no actual functioning difference honestly and I wouldn’t want to be with a woman who would care whether I was internally bisexual or anything, but it is what it is and you gotta be upfront about it to avoid that anyway.
Wish you were having a better time.
Thank you. I understand the wariness around dating bisexual women as I have had many bad experiences with them despite being by myself. So many bi women are het-leaning, homophobic, libfem etc. Not all bi women but it has gotten to the point i would only date bi women if they are febfems or radfem leaning.
I guess the fact that bisexual women are attracted to men does change how they function in society. Especially how other people treat bi women and how they view themselves. Bisexual women will always have the option to be with men, or as Lindsey Ellis said "opt out." I think that will always be a big difference between a febfem and a lesbian.
I've seen some of the most man-hating febfems will have one off dates or hookups with men but they usually write it off as a momentary laps in judgement. I don't know if that takes their febfem card away or not?
Why do you think febfem isn't a strong enough term? It's very straight to the point but I'm not bi so maybe I'm missing something.
I don’t think it’s strong enough because apparently some people think it includes hooking up with men
How would a different word change that?
It would be associated with women who do not hook up with men. Unlike febfem, which apparently is associated with women who do.
Although at this rate even lesbian is now associated with women who sleep with men so maybe it’s all pointless
Although at this rate even lesbian is now associated with women who sleep with men so maybe it’s all pointless
lol as long as they say they have comphet or the man is a TIM then it's fine apparently.
I'm sure many febfems would say those women can't call themselves that since it's supposed to be female exclusive.
What would you call it then?
Lying about being a lesbian will definitely not take the pressure to date men away. For some it makes it even worse as men see you as more of a challenge and now we have transbians going after us more than ever before.
Have you tried taking the "bisexual" part out and just writing "Woman seeking woman" or something along similar lines? It may reduce some of the men and couples you're matching with and reduce the hostility from lesbians. You just need to have that conversation "BTW I was wondering how you would feel about dating bisexuals? I'm a female-exclusive bisexual. I don't have any interest in dating men but I still identify as a bisexual."
Other than that. Just know that no one is having fun on dating apps. So many women have given up on them.
Yeah I changed my label to febfem for a bit I have taken a break from dating. If women didnt know what it meant they could ask me or google it.
You're describing what most lesbians in my experience put up with too, especially
Everyone assumes lesbians are just defective straight women, who have been "made" lesbian by trauma, or are too ugly to find a man.
I'm a lesbian in the UK, and this is also my experience on apps to a T - I'm pretty confident you aren't receiving this experience because your profile says bisexual unfortunately :( happily, IRL I've managed to meet some great girls. Are you able to travel and go on women only travelling experience holidays? They tend to be jam packed full of lesbians.
Ugh I'm so sorry people are so homophobic. I am a febfem but not because of trauma with men. I just prefer women and I rather not date my oppressor class (men)
No travel wouldn't be possible for me.
Good for you! It's nice to hear bisexual women saying this :)
I'm so sorry to hear travel wouldn't be possible for you. Hopefully in the future you'll encounter someone great in your country or be able to travel and meet someone. If you ever wanna talk to a friendly (at least I hope I am) person, I'm here and there are loads of other great women on Ovarit.
Thank you so much I wish all the best for you too.
How do you confirm any given event/trip will be female only? I had a fantastic time at an all-women retreat a couple of years ago, but the women who run it aren't willing to confirm that their events are female-only and I don't want to risk booking with them again, as they're in a remote area and I don't drive so would be stuck there if anything happened (I guess I was just lucky the first time).
This is the issue, you can't :( Howwweever, anecdotally in my experience, I've booked onto female only travelling trips to different countries (hiking and sightseeing), never encountered a TIM.