CW: Venting, mentions of past abuse, homphobia

When I came out before about being a lesbian, exclusively attracted to women, I got a lot of shit for it, but people at least understood what I meant.

When trans people first started gaining traction, I was able to say "yeah, but I'm not into trans women" and people were like "well of course".

But now? I'm GC but I do believe you get actual trans people, and I do believe there are people for whom living as the opposite sex works. But I'm a lesbian, I'm still not into them. And saying so in a "lesbian" space - as nicely as I could, just by saying that I myself was only into biological women, but that I hoped all trans women found a good partner - and suddenly dozens of people start getting mad.

I got asked how I could tell if someone was trans, and then "well what if you couldn't and they didn't tell you?" Then "what if you were having sex with them and they had a neo vagina and you didn't know".

Or, "do you demand to know your partners genitals before you date them"? "Sex and gender are the same thing", "Amab people are female", comparisons of amab people to women with pcos (like a friend of mine, who happens to be very much female, and very insecure about the symptoms the extra testosterone gives her!)

Demanding to know what about if my girlfriend were a man, or what if she was possessed by a man, and what if I had sex with a trans woman and found out afterwards?

Sarcastic in the form of "well you can't see their genitals", and "what, do you ask them about their chromosomes", and "loads of trans people pass! And loads of cis women don't!"

Then there was the insistence that I was wrong, and that neo vaginas are EXACTLY THE SAME as actual ones, despite the fact that I've read countless accounts by "transwomen" who had the surgery then found out that this wasn't true. And when I brought up people THAT I KNOW IN REAL LIFE that had the surgery done and said exactly that to me, I was told that those people clearly had no idea what they were talking about.

At one point I tried expressing that I wouldn't want a TIM to date me for both our sakes - seriously, if they're a decent TIM who actually wants to live as a normal woman, I'd expect them to want to find someone who might actually want to date them, not a lesbian happily in a same sex relationship. And oh boy did that kick things off.

Essentially that one came down to "well you'd be the bad person for wanting to know they're trans, and they'd be the victim for not knowing you were a bad person".

So now I've been branded a transphobe, when the reality is that I think we're taking gender far too seriously, and that people need to be ok with saying they're bisexual or straight instead of insisting they must be lesbians because they like "feminine" people, as one person put it.

What's worse is that I'm a victim of gaslighting, domestic abuse and repeated sexual assault, and I feel so...utterly helpless and vulnerable and hurt all over again.

Sorry for the rant, I just don't have any other actual lesbian only spaces. I now have it in my head of "what if they're right and you can't tell and your girlfriend is actually trans", and whilst I know she's not, it's just REALLY getting to me now.