The past month has, dating wise, been such an absolute nightmare for me, that I feel the need to just write it all out for some people I don't know, as of course my friends are going to be biased, to read and give their takes. I figure this would be the best place, as I really don't trust reddit or other spaces due to being, well, homophobic as hell. This'll be a bit long, because it's also sort of a vent of just everything that's gone wrong lately in addition to dating, but I appreciate anyone that bothers to take the time.

So, I as of recently, used to work at a bar, where I would meet tons of women that were interested in me. The problem was, many of them weren't the types I would want to enter relationships with or seriously date. The idea of being someone's sexual experiment is probably one of the grossest things to me. As you can imagine, being attractive and working at a bar nets you a lot of attention from both sexes, and the way women versus men show that is always very different (e.g. my nasty male coworker would always ask me sex questions and express amazement I don't like dick, and even brought up TIMs at one point, while I never had a woman be so disgustingly brazen, even while intoxicated). Anyway, I say all this, because a couple of girls came in one day, and well, seemed out of place. Well just the one, she seemed sort of lost in a way. Apparently, that entire night, in her own words, she was gawking at me and wouldn't stop talking about me, and wanting my number, and annoying her friend to death about it. I noticed some staring, but was taken a bit aback by the level of infatuation she would later describe to me. It seemed like she was going to say something at one point, but didn't. At the end of the night I just so happened to be the one closing out their tab, which wasn't something I usually did, at least on that day. She whispered into her friend's ear, and the friend, almost exasperated, told me she said I was very pretty. I turned to her and said thank you, and that she was as well. She shook my hand two or three times to repeat that (read: totally wasted now) and also introduce herself and ask for my number, which she inputted wrong initially. I had to enter it in properly for her.

I really didn't expect much from her at the time, but I was fixated on how odd and kind of cute it was, and of course, that she was very attractive. Not in a revealing sort of way, but modest and gay? Like I would have assumed she was a lesbian based on how she looked, but women are often harder to guess at than men from my experience. She texted me the following day, and we exchanged a few messages, then she vanished and I thought, whatever, kinda weird. That following night, I met another woman, who was, the exact opposite, party girl, dressed in revealing clothing, you know that type. She told me I'm the most beautiful person she'd ever seen and would hate herself if she left without my number. Towards the end of my shift during last call, she asked if she could kiss me; I said okay, and she ended up almost attacking my face. I mean don't get me wrong, she was a great kisser, but I wasn't ready for it. So, her number didn't save in my phone, and I thought well, that sucks, because she seemed like someone that would at least be fun to see where things go (and having just gone through a break up a month prior, I figured that wouldn't be such a bad thing). I didn't see her again for a few weeks, and when I did, she was with some guy, sucking his face off, and ignored me entirely. I guess she thought I snubbed her, because the last thing she said was that I better text her or she'd be really sad. Well, a little hard to do when you hang up the phone too quick before it gets to ring. Whatever. As a result of feeling a bit disappointed, I texted the initial girl again and asked if she wanted to hang out. She jumped on it, very excited. That was on a Wednesday I remember, so for the next three days we got to know each other better, who we are as people, all that sorta stuff. I explained to her I'm actually not about the bar life, and initially got into it as a distraction over a breakup, but stayed for the tip money. She told me she never drinks alcohol or goes to a bar, and how it seemed random she'd choose my bar on one of my shifts and this and that, so we both marveled for a moment at the odds of meeting one another and that proceeding into something. Saturday she was so excited for our date, she told me she didn't want to just see a movie, but wanted to talk with me a few hours and have dinner before going. I found it a very sweet gesture and agreed, though she was so... aloof about it? Nonchalant? That she wanted to try walking into two separate fancy restaurants that require reservations, because sometimes they allow walk ins if they're not too busy. I asked her what the back up plan for that would be just in case? More like, inevitably failed, but whatever. Then radio silence. I was pretty pissed off and sad because I'd never been stood up in my life. I sent one text that Sunday asking if things were still on, but she didn't reply until around 11 at night. It was an apology, just saying things didn't go as planned, and asked if I wanted to reschedule, and also not to give up hope... which was a very bizarre thing to read. I said sure, okay, we could do that, because the conversations we'd been having felt very meaningful. So then when we were in the middle of making plans on Monday, she vanished again.

Three days went by and I didn't bother to message her and figured some other woman would give me her number, as it wasn't uncommon at all. But, for whatever reason, only men tried giving me their numbers that week. And to make matters worse, on that Wednesday, I couldn't find a ride home, so I got stalked for a mile by some rapist tweaker that kept screaming, "who's that bitch in the white, I want her," whereby I was promptly escorted by two homeless people to a grocery store (one of whom was female and didn't want me to end up like her, hence why the couple intervened at all). That's a whole other story, but it affected me to the point that I just wanted one thing to go right that week. I think in order to grab her attention, I sent a voice clip asking if she could give me a ride sometime from work, because previously she did offer. She ended up replying and we got along really well, and would like to meet up Sunday or Monday (her days off). Later that night, I told her what happened to me on Wednesday, and she said any time that I needed a ride, she would be there for me, and to just text or call her. It made me smile. So after a lot of flirting and sweet nothings, Sunday rolls by and... she doesn't really say too much of anything, so nothing happens. But, okay, so Monday, that's where things seemed to change for the better. It took her like 3 hours to figure shit out after we initially planned to meet, because she chose a restaurant that wasn't opened (but I saved us both the potential embarrassment and called to verify), and also because her car was dirty? And that ended up being pointless in the end. I'm not even sure I believe her either, because so much ended up being bullshit in the end. She was getting it detailed so it would be clean for me? And probably wouldn't be able to pick me up, unless she had to, in which case she would just cancel it. Well she didn't get it done anyway. She would confuse words and phrases so much, I just don't know.

That aside, onto the date. Well that day, I had lost my voice, due to developing bronchitis I later learned. So at the end of it, I didn't kiss her, because I wasn't sure if maybe I had something serious. We talked about a lot of stuff, and it lasted 2-2.5 hours, mostly of us talking rather than eating, and I was taken aback by how much prettier she looked outside of the bar lighting. Like, god, her face really did melt my heart, with the way she looked at me, then looked away, so very clearly nervous. Oh, I remember she told me how she has a more masculine style of dress sometimes, and it turns people off of her, which was greatly intriguing, because while I was wearing a dress shirt and a tie, I don't really see it as masculine, but maybe others do, so I really wondered if I could relate to her on that much. She played it safe with a white sundress though. The way she talked, she seemed to be really trying to connect with me, in a way that someone does to try take things seriously, you know, like seeing and hoping the person you're with is material for something more. At a certain point she apologized to me, and said the reason she'd been ignoring me was because she was super nervous around me. I asked why and she said she didn't know, but weeks later she pretty much said it had to do with attraction and inexperience with women. She vented a bit to me as well, that her ex (implied at the time to be male, and later verified to be male) cheated on her, and she hasn't been in a relationship in a few years as a result of that. I brought up a horrible thing my ex did to relate, and she jumped on it to say she'd never do anything like that. Around that time, I asked her how often she gets asked out, and she told me never really, which baffled me, because she really is stunning, like a model, to the point that I'd find myself lost in her eyes sometimes. Well, anyway, towards the end of it, I had to go to work, and I asked her if she'd like to meet up again. Eagerly she said yes, and I asked if she would like to pick me up from work around midnight, and she happily agreed once again. She was very awkward though in how she moved, like she didn't know to walk in sync, go a little ahead or, but it balanced out eventually, before I left for work. Okay, so that night, she took forever to reply, to the point that I thought she wasn't actually coming, but she did... just later than I expected, around a quarter to 1. We talked a lot in the car, and I really, really, wanted to kiss her, but at the same time I felt like it would have been a bad idea. She mentioned at the restaurant that there were definitely first dates she had where she wouldn't kiss the person, which also added a tinge, but it was also in the context of the last two dates I had in June being with women I went out of my way not to kiss because I didn't like them. When we got to my house, she said "We should do this again," and turned to me with the biggest, brightest smile and lit up eyes. Of course I agreed, I felt like I was on cloud 9 again.

She offered to pick me up the following day and I said that would be great. Then, of course this happened, she canceled on Tuesday and said work was making her get up early and she couldn't stay up, but if she absolutely had to if I had no ride, she would pick me up. I told her I'd probably figure something out. It was short notice, so not really. I had to catch a ride with this creepy 35 year old bald man that would constantly try to get me to date him. Same creep that would always try to come into my house and have "intellectual chats". Just ugh. I wouldn't bother the girl I'm dating if she really needed her sleep, so yeah, I suffered with that guy, and managed to ward him off from coming in that time. Now, she had offered me, because she felt bad, a ride for Wednesday. This was turning from a "I want to see you again really badly" sort of thing to "I feel bad and like I owe you this" thing, which left a sour taste in my mouth. In fact, during the date, she had told me she had texted her best friend about standing me up, the woman she was with at the bar, and she pressured her into "making things right". I couldn't tell if she was just the worst communicator of all time, or if something else was up. Or maybe both. I guess she could complain about her own behavior to her friend instead of setting something up, or just saying nah? I don't know. Anyway, the night she was going to pick me up? Vanished, again. I was pretty pissed off, because I had to plan around things, and it's just so shitty to do that last minute. So I asked a couple friends if I should bother texting her again or just delete her and move on, and one said, a male, that her behavior is really normal/common and to just ask how she is/how her week was going. The other, a female, said I should be blunt and tell her that she can't just ignore me if we have plans, and that if she's interested in me she can't do that, and tell her I'm out if she's going to treat me that way. Or something like that. I went with the former, perhaps against my better judgement. She ended up telling me she hadn't been texting anyone, and that she had to move and find storage units, because her family wouldn't help, and she would be living in a hotel for two months coming up because her family's new place wasn't ready. I felt terrible and selfish. So, I told her I'd bake her some cookies to make her feel better. I don't bake. I made them wrong at first, because she's allergic to certain ingredients, so I went out and bought a bunch of vegan shit to make two more batches. She said she'd enjoy them no matter how they tasted, because I made them, which was sweet, but when I showed a video of the first batch, she seemed off put by how they looked. I had put off telling her I wanted to see her again, so she jumped on it instead, saying we should try to set something up on her day off, which of course didn't happen.

Okay, now we're getting into some of the more interesting aspects. I'd asked her how her parents would feel about her bringing home a woman, and she said she didn't know; she was unaware of their opinions and didn't care. She told me that they were horrible people, alcoholics that only care about themselves so their opinions don't matter. I found this weird, but I could relate to it somewhat. We talked candidly until her next day off, when she, of course vanished again, but this time only a day. She had gotten better at replying, and even at work, sending me videos and telling me how I was the best distraction and she was loving every minute of it. She confided in me she wanted to quit her job though, because she felt they were using her and not paying her everything, and they were also shady people that would badmouth her. I didn't have much advice, but offered my support nonetheless. The constant sob stories made me feel bad enough I ended up putting together a nice care package, with a card, blanket, bath stuff, etc. Each time from that point on I tried to set up a date, but she was always busy. I got tired of trying so took a step back, but she was starting to flirt a lot more... romantically? She told me I was her favorite person, and that as soon as she woke up she'd think of me, hence the texts, and how she wouldn't want to text anyone else but me. Oh, and how she wanted to cuddle me, and fall asleep in my arms. I felt the feelings of puppy love at that point. I turned down numerous women at the bar and shut down their flirting in very polite distant ways. I'd even told her that I'd shoot some people down by saying I was seeing the most wonderful girl, and she loved it. Sometime later, she really wanted to meet up again and tried to arrange something, and I was really glad she was the one initiating again, so it wasn't one sided. But she kept having to cancel due to work. Also on Sunday, she would just vanish; it was weird, practically every Sunday. Most importantly, my schedule was very open due to working late nights, so it definitely wasn't being unavailable on my end. I even offered to take a day off for her.

Well, fast forward to last week. I quit my job because it was a volatile cocktail of horrible shit gone wrong. I had one cool coworker, and no surprise, he happened to be the only one around my age (minus one misogynistic girl a little younger, but she's not really worth mentioning). He was overworked, and he'd done me a favor before, so I told him I'd cover his Friday shift, even though I was getting my second Covid shot the day prior. I used this as an excuse for her to pick me up, but really, I should've just stayed home and invited her over. I wasn't thinking straight. I told them I may not stay until 2 AM, because I wasn't feeling great. One of my coworkers was a little apprehensive about it but said whatever, because unbeknownst to me, I had to train a 53 year old drug addict that would dig in the trash, so they'd have the extra help by then. Plus, nobody told me about her, and I would not have taken the shift if I had known otherwise, because splitting Friday tips with a fourth person? Fuck that. Immediately when she walked into the kitchen she asked me for a shot. I told her no. I was starting to feel pretty dizzy and tired by around 8-9. Sometime during then, I felt that asshole coworker that would always ask me sex questions grab the side of my hip and shake it. I was so confused, and when I looked at him he was just laughing and said "no, nothing". I walked out and took a breather in the kitchen while showing the 53 year old what to do. When I came back, he grilled me about wanting to leave early, and how much he needs me there with him. I always had the privilege of leaving early by an hour, or on late nights, two. I felt very upset just about everything, and how he was saying I could just leave and never come back, like he was pissy I rejected his advance?? I took my legally mandated 15 minute break and tried not to cry. I texted her and told her I had to work late; she said it was fine because she had to get up at 5 AM. This was the one time I canceled for the record. Then I went back out and he got on my case again, telling me to just get lost basically. I'm pretty sure as my coworker, he didn't have the power to do that, but I couldn't stand to even look at him, and his threats of going to my boss about my break, well fuck him. I grabbed my purse and left. I texted her about the situation and she said she was happy I quit, because she was always so worried about me, and this and that. I should have, I think, asked her to come over, but I was so upset about things, I was just trying to decompress and relax at home. I again, wasn't thinking straight. Plus if she really wanted to, I'd told her before, since her home life isn't great, my door was always open.

Saturday. Oh boy. I woke up around 3 PM and found she added me on Snapchat. Now, I wondered why she would have deleted me. Well, she didn't, it was just her full name on a new account. Well, not a new account, but a backup? The Snap score was 0 and turned to 1 after we talked for a bit, but it wasn't a new account. She told me her main got hacked, which... yeah okay. I remember she told me how terrible of a day she was having, how she had to go the laundry mat for the first time, and someone stole her clothes, how she bleached and ruined some as well. I assumed by this point she moved into a hotel or motel, whatever. I told her she could just do her laundry here and that it wasn't a big deal. Then she told me something else really bothering her, and how it just wasn't her day. I wasn't sure what to do but tell her that if she needed anything I'd be there for her. She told me that she normally wouldn't accept handouts, but she'd have to accept my offer to do laundry here. I was very confused. A handout? I told her it wasn't, and that seeing her beautiful smile was more than enough. Similar to how when she first offered me a ride I told her I'd pay her for gas, but she said talking to me was payment enough. I told her a couple of things in my life bothering me, and she told me if she were able, she would sweep me up off of my feet and take me away to live with her, but she had to figure things out (financially) first. I found it sweet, and told her maybe someday, and that we should just relax in person and melt our stresses away, romantically. She agreed and we set up a date for Monday, and that she also was going to bring me a present because she cares a lot about me and my wellbeing. Her last message to me was like maybe around 3 in the morning on Monday verifying a time to come over.

Then she vanished. I wondered if something happened with her new found motel life and got worried, but waited. She had told me she can't date multiple people at once, because she likes to focus on one person. Well hahaha. Right. So, I decided to check her Facebook and noticed some creepy little man calling her his boo and how pretty she is, and how they seemed to have not only recently met, but she'd react to his messages with hearts. The guy's a hardcore Christian homophobe, and then it kind of clicked. One of the nights she ignored me, she later told me she went to a Christian concert with a friend. A friend? Yeah okay. I was momentarily relieved to see she shot down a very public dating proposal he made by saying she'd love to go with him, but with friends. Gotta sting I'm sure. My friend said I shouldn't worry about such a loser, but rather, the best friend I met the first night at the bar, because they're very creepily close we found. Well creepily in context, but I figured whatever, my friend's just being dramatic. Then, later when we decided to check a day later because Facebook glitched and we couldn't see something we wanted, her relationship status changed. It was hidden, like there was a concentrated effort to hide something. So, being the little detective I am, I clicked the reactions on her last photo, literally the first name aaaaannd it said he was in a relationship with her as of that Saturday. I was in shock, but it all made sense. These things don't just happen, this was something she was hiding. Saturday was such a bad day huh? Right. Sure. Or maybe it was, and there's something extra fishy about the two of them, I don't know. I haven't even listed all the lies, because there's really too many and I feel like I've said enough at this point.

Her Snap wasn't hacked, she swept me under the rug to be her dirty little lesbian secret. She blocked me on it days later, and added a heart to her name, while subtly ghosting me for a few days as usual, like clockwork. All the things she said those few days, even though she felt guilty and didn't meet up, it was definitely cheating if she was with this guy as of Saturday. This guy really is a loser too. He follows porn accounts, porn models, and publicly displays his nasty fetishes, which really seems like the opposite of how she described herself, being someone that wouldn't even date someone that does drugs, or someone that has a slightly rough lifestyle. I don't understand what het/bi females see in males, and especially this one, because even my gay guy friend thinks he's super ugly. I did some further digging. I found posts of her going off about how much she loves her family and particularly her mom. Fake attention seeking? Or truth and she lied to me, because she actually was embarrassed to bring a girl home? I think the latter. All that talk about only seeing me, about only wanting to text me and wanting to be in my arms? All a load of shit. This sort of thing doesn't come out of nowhere, she was probably seeing me, him and multiple people at once. Doesn't get asked out much my ass. And thinking about it, it's almost like she would butter me up at certain points, as if her intentions were sex. Because she would express, when we were talking about just hanging out, how she had only been with two-three girls in the past. I didn't realize until later she was talking sexually. She was always sooooo busy, but really? I bet if I made it purely about sex, she would have suddenly been free, just like when I told her I had a gift for her. If she had just told me from the start that's what she wanted, I probably would've obliged because I felt such a strong initial attraction to her. She was probably seeing multiple people, lying about it, and you know, whatever. Lying sucks, sure, but the real problem is how she tried to have her cake and eat it too, making me some secretive side piece, then mind you, she kept me on her burner account until I blocked it, so who knows how she would have played that off when she was feeling her closeted urges. I was admittedly a little grossed out by all her male worship/lusting for lack of a better phrase I found in her online footprint I'd largely ignored until catching her trying this. Oh, and so worried about me? If she was always so worried, she would text me at the least to see if I made it home safely, or not bail on a night she was supposed to be there. Or, after telling me how the vaccine ruined a family member's life, maybe I dunno, ask me how I was coping with my second shot?? In the end, I texted her that I know everything, and she never replied. So, I think that says it all. I wonder if her pornbrain fried boyfriend knows though, or if he'd just find it "hot", because men are disgusting (though the lengths she went to make me wonder, or if she has a very off depiction of him).

I remember like a decade ago, there was a lot of discourse about lesbians dating bisexuals, before the TIM invasion, how they'll use you for sex or leave you for a man. I mean, Christ, my bisexual neighbor told me when I was baking cookies that she would do exactly this. I gave her the worst scowl too over saying it, yet, here I am. I know I'm generalizing, and I know there's plenty of bi females that have such a preference for women that it wouldn't be an issue, but this experience I've gone through does seem pretty common. I was always so cautious and worried about being someone's little sexual experiment, and yet, I more or less was, in a way, despite not actually going that far. I ignored so many red flags, and according to another friend, it's because I'm a people pleaser, so people think they can walk all over me. I hadn't thought of it that way, but yeah, I need to be more assertive and "standoffish" as I've been told. Even with men, I've let them say things to me I should have told them to eat shit over.

Edits: Grammar. So many mistakes. >>