So my girlfriend really hurt my feelings the other day. We were making love, and I was trying to tell/show her how to touch me in a way that I like. She mostly enjoys harder, faster sex, and stimulation with a lot of grinding. I don't enjoy that as much, and don't climax like 80-90% of the time. I prefer slow, delicate, and sensual sex that lasts longer (which is what I was showing her to do to/with me). I see the longer time as a good thing, she sees it as time consuming as she wants to race to the finish. I feel more connected with my partner, and it feels more emotional, and an expression of our feelings for each other. I've always been this way with 9 partners I've been with.

So the other day as I was trying to show her how I like to be touched she told me it felt too "mechanical" for her. She implied that the touching like I wanted was a chore. She said she loses her excitement or "heat" as she put it when touching me slow, and sensually. She prefers sex where we are both being stimulated at the same time, and it's always faster, and more aggressive when we do this using a strap-on or grinding. As I said, this doesn't do it for me most of the time, and she came off really selfish to me. She also doesn't like to be touched most of the time in favor of her preferred style so it's no real loss to her to not have the sex I like. Again, selfish.

Now, it has always been my experience with my partners that our (lesbian) sex is more turn based. It has been my experience that when I focus on pleasing my partner I am enjoying making her feel good. Making her feel good isn't about me so much, but an expression of my feelings for her. I enjoy it but I don't climax from it, and it isn't about me. In return my partners have focused on making me feel good, and enjoyed focusing on my body, and pleasure when touching me.

Are my expectations unorthodox/outside of the ordinary? Is it too much to ask to take turns being the giver/receiver? I'm not ruling out her faster, more aggressive sex as I do enjoy that some of the time. I just want variety that includes my needs, too.

Thoughts and input?

(please don't bring the viability of our relationship into question as we are otherwise compatible, and this isn't up for debate)

(Also notice this is in the lesbian circle so only lesbians may reply).

Edit:

So I have an update. We sat down and had a long talk about our intimacy. She said she does enjoy turn based sex, and does enjoy pleasuring me. I asked her why she/we have sex in a way to get a candid response from her, and she said she does desire to express emotion and make each other feel good. I explained to her that, like love languages, we each give, and receive that expression of emotion differently. I have been doing a lot of speaking her language, and she needs to reciprocate and speak my language, too. She heard that. We agreed that we do often start out slow and relaxed but she gets excited and carried away, and we evolve into something more heated and intense. She especially acknowledges that she does this. She acknowledges that I have told her before that I want to continue to take it down the slow sensual path, and she has failed to do so. She said she does want to please me, and she wants me to be satisfied, which I do believe she does. I think she gets carried away.

I've had several more partners than her, and her experience has been with what she likes. She has not had the slow, sensual sex all the way through like I like it. I've had all kinds of different sex, good and bad. I think our differences in experience are coming out as a challenge. I do like it like she does, too, and I've never been with anyone adept at wearing a strap-on and I think part of why we didn't initially address this obstacle is because of A) communication, and B) it was mostly strap-on in the beginning because I was so thrilled to finally be with someone skilled enough to wear one.

We are going to sit down and I'll draw her a map so to speak when we aren't in the heat of the moment so that she can understand without it taking the excitement away. That way I can get more of what I want, and she doesn't have to have her excitement broken in the moment. A fair compromise, I think.

So, overall I think we made a lot of progress. We were able to communicate things to each other that we had not. I think the progress is yet to be seen but I think we have laid the groundwork to make progress in having my needs met, too. If not we are going to have to have another conversation where I would begin to question the relationship if things do not improve.

Thank you all for your input!