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Serious DiscussionCan you share a successful story of self-acceptance?
Hey everyone,
I ask this because ever since I came to terms with my homosexuality 5 years ago, I've had a hard time fully accepting it. It comes and goes in waves, but tonight I'm dealing with a particular hard wave of "I wish I'd been a straight guy instead" for really unrealistic reasons. It's like my logical side is fighting and losing to my irrational side and I have no idea how to appeal to this one. I feel like I'm dealing with a deaf child throwing a tantrum.
What it comes down to, is that I wish I could have an unremarkable relationship. I wish I could have a chance with women I get along with, I wish I could flirt without a care in the world, I wish I could befriend guys and have almost zero chance of them being into me. A case of "grass is greener" when I look at it objectively, because I don't envy straight guys when I hear them speak and see them interact.
Does anyone have a successful story of overcoming this? Everywhere I look I see lesbians being glad they're lesbians, or complaining because "women are complicated" and, well... I'm not exactly glad I'm a lesbian, and I don't think women are that complicated either, I'm just desperate for an unremarkable life that would turn no heads and wouldn't make me feel, I don't know, like some kind of mistake or oddity.
Lately I've been getting involved in LGB groups and a bit of LGB activism, and it makes me insecure I guess. When I see my friends I don't mention it, I don't mention it to my trusted family members either, and it is such a huge burden. I just want it off my shoulders, this is never something I wanted to carry in the first place. I say this but at the same time, it's because I want an unremarkable life that I get involved in LGB politics. I know I won't ever get what I want if I don't fight for it. I wrote a whole paragraph in which I did nothing but complain, so I erased it. But I do want to complain. I want to complain because this isn't fair.
The child throwing a tantrum is sad and bitter about many things and I don't know how to just... reach the acceptance stage lol. I see all those straight girls on the Internet taking on "queer" labels because they wanna be special and it makes me despair, because I wish for the exact opposite.
I'm sorry if this is hard to read. I always hesitate to share my issues of internalised homophobia because it is still homophobia in the end, and I don't want to bring it into a lesbian space. But ignoring it doesn't make it go away, so...
Got any success stories to make me hope for a light at the end of the tunnel? Do you think getting into a relationship helps? Surrounding yourself with bi women and lesbians? Putting all of my efforts in the activism? Do yoga? Quit my job and go live alone in the mountains?
I'm not an expert, but this post reminded me that everything I learned about lifting weights (for humans who happen to be women,) I learned from stumptuous.com - link to web archive since the site seems kinda broken these days. You can still see lots of the Dork to Diva workout instructions (example - overhead press) There were lots of good gym routine lists, and other stuff, too.
I don't know anything about Arnold's book, but I would guess that it still has useful info for reference/inspiration, as long as you stay realistic. The 'women are the same as men' is kinda weird, obviously not 100% true... but, assuming he meant women are also capable of hitting the gym and getting stronger and more powerful, that is true.
I got started with stumptuous! She really made a great case for women lifting and her material made weightlifting approachable. Been doing this for almost 10 years now, and powerlifting is my favorite exercise.
powerlifting (deadlift, squat, bench, and the additional overhead press, pull ups/chin ups, and bent over rows) is what's gonna get you to lift as heavy as you can. but bodybuilding moves will give you the opportunity to isolate muscles as well. you can't spot reduce, but you CAN spot build, so if you're able to, make the powerlifting moves the staple of your workouts, and then add isolation exercises from the body building book at the end of your workout.
He actually wrote a bodybuilding book specifically for women too. I have been wanting to get it; but at the same time I would rather have a strength training book written by a woman instead of a man.
If you're thinking about the shape of your body when you're done, you might want to look at Supervixen by Negrita Jayde. She talks about the seven essential curves on a woman's body and how to strengthen them. I used to have the book (I was drawn in by a line drawing of what looked like She-Hulk) but had no hope in hell of developing a nice v-taper like hers because of the shape of my rib cage and length of my lats. It helped to know the "problem" though (different body type, and much bigger-boned than her relative to height).
I have no idea how strong she was, but she had nice definition when she was leaner and nice shape at a more normal weight.
If you want to lift as heavy as you can you need to start powerlifting, not body building. The sport of powerlifting is literally lifting as much as you can. The sport of body building places a heavy emphasis on physique. Although a lot of body builders look jacked, the odds of them squatting, benching, or deadlifting more than a powerlifter is slim. So my advice is stop researching body building and start researching powerlifting. When it comes to lifting women should be doing the same basic exercises that men do. You’ll need to get under the bar and do compound movements. You will get the “toned” look, you will NOT get bulky. If you follow a basic powerlifting program you will be squatting almost 300lbs in a year. The 5x5 is the best program out there in my opinion.
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That’s completely false. It’s easier to lift than you think. If you lift consistently you will add weight to the bar every week, at least 5lbs. It is not hard to get to a place where you’re lifting into the 200s, 300s, if you’re lifting consistently. Yes, even for women.
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And I’ve been powerlifting for 6 years and run in competition circles. No, 300lbs is not advanced for a powerlifter and it’s certainly not elite. Not even for women. If you are consistent and lift safely you will see yourself lifting weights you never thought possible. That’s all I have to say about that.
This sounds like good advice.
I was drawn to a bodybuilding book because it does isolate body parts which I liked. I have hypermobile joints so the weight that my joints can take compared with my muscles is heavily mismatched and in the past I’ve gotten bored with weights that were no real challenge for my muscles so upped them but injured myself (my lower back) in the process because my joints can’t keep up. I also have a problem with my right knee which means squatting is out for now.
But anyway, because bodybuilding is about isolating body parts often to a very specific degree I can pick and choose exercises which avoid problem areas (which is why I bought Arnie’s book despite having very little interest in bodybuilding as it’s usually understood). I want to do a halfway house between low reps/high weight to build strength and higher reps/lower weight for a little bit of definition (Michelle Obama arms would be awesome).
It’s a little while since I was last in the gym and I didn’t have my current injuries but I was doing decent weights - more than a lot of the men were! However, I was mainly doing machines but now I’m very much into free weights as the risk of injury (to me, anyway) is lower.
My advice is to be really careful with trying to “isolate” body parts. That’s kind of a myth to a degree. To build muscle adequately you need to work the whole body part. For example say if you want to work on your arms because they’re flabby. If you just focus on triceps and don’t work out the other muscles, you will not be successful. Or if you want a big butt, you cannot just do glute exercises and expect a massive rear. You have to work your hamstrings and quads too, etc. It is extremely hard to isolate muscles effectively especially as a beginner. Isolating is more for experienced lifters to even out imbalances. I would hate for you to put a bunch of time into exercises for them not to be effective at the end of the day. You NEED to do compound movements to build muscle. There is no skirting around that. If you want to “isolate” certain parts then you should be doing compound movements first and accessory movements afterward.