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Serious DiscussionComing out, avoidant attachment, dating. Do you develop crushes frequently or infrequently?
All my friends right now are same-sex attracted and most of them are lesbians.
It feels like they're all navigating the dating scene, trying to find love and companionship.
I came out about two years ago, and immediately felt this pressure. They're not pressuring me at all or doing anything wrong, it's just the focus of their own lives right now.
Before coming out I was in a highly volatile and violent "relationship" with a man for ten years that I was groomed into beginning when I was barely a teenager. I'm realizing exactly how traumatized I am from that and experience rigid avoidant attachment issues. Surely I'm not ready for a relationship and my bullshit would hurt somebody.
I'm mostly completely content being single and basking in solitude, but at the same time I do hope for companionship and love sometimes. I'm 30 and I really don't feel like I have ever experienced it. I decided fuck it and went on some dates over the week. My close friend asked me about it, and I told her that I didn't find I had chemistry with anyone yet. My friend responded with, "To be fair, even if you did find you had chemistry with someone, would you still even want to date them then?"
It left me upset, but not at her. I'm upset because, no, I most likely wouldn't (but maybe... but probably not). Because envisioning another long term relationship makes me feel trapped. And how dare she be right. It's actually become progressively worse with time.
I also just have this major crush on a woman I work with - I have no idea if she's straight or same-sex attracted, but ohh my god. I cannot get two sentences into talking to her without both of us exchanging nervous energy - good nervous energy for me, but I'm not sure about her, so I've been going out of my way to avoid her because I am terrified at the idea of accidentally making her uncomfortable. I intend to leave this job hopefully soon so I'm not too concerned with dating where I work, but at the same time she also seems out of my league.
Which makes me wonder if all of my closer friends develop crushes very quickly in comparison to me. My current best friend is actually a lesbian who is also a TIF (testosterone, double masectomy, considers herself a man, etc.) who it feels is constantly dating and developing crushes on other women, though she's seriously trying to find a serious relationship and might just be in that phase of life. But it makes me feel like a puritan or weirdo for not so easily developing a crush. It feels like most lesbians I am around are also similar to her in this regard. I fully understand why some people drift to the asexual label for not fitting in with everyone else.
I strongly suggest non-lesbians blocking the circle if you're worried about responding to posts.
Why would I block this circle when I’m a lesbian and am in the right circle? The women who are NOT lesbians should be blocking this circle as this circle doesn’t apply to them
EDIT: if there was a way to make it so that only members of the lesbian circle could see the circle, I bet the mods would have done so already, but sadly that’s not feasible right now.
How can someone not notice? I am a lesbian and am allowed in the Women circle. Het and bi women talk about problems in their relationships with men. I don't comment or offer advice.
Exactly, like how hard is it not to know where you’re posting?
I get that maybe we just notice it more here because this is a restricted circle, but I honestly have not noticed anything like this in other circles
I feel like some women just aimlessly wander in without giving it much thought,
but yes, please do respect the rules, Ovarit is the only permissible space allocated specifically for lesbians - we prefer it this way, it's why we've demanded it across every platform
I agree. At least for the most part, I don't think it's intentional. Still, I'm completely with you and OP on this. There should be more attention paid to this and hopefully this post will help :)
Yes, i think they comment without looking where they’re commenting which to me, like why is it they only wander into the lesbian circle by accident? They know where they’re posting everywhere else so why is it they miss that this is the Lesbian circle?
I usually assume a mistake before claiming malice, but it’s always the lesbian circle where this happens 😑
They know where they’re posting everywhere else so why is it they miss that this is the Lesbian circle?
I’m not sure there’s reason to think users are usually aware of what circle they’re commenting in, particularly because it doesn’t usually make a difference. This is one of only a few restricted circles and the most active one of those, so it’s not unexpected that there would be the most violations here.
Because this circle automatically shows up on the ‘new’ page, a lot of women don’t realize that it’s in a restricted circle - especially when the post title is more general and more easily misinterpreted. Ovarit is small enough that a lot of women come to the site as a whole rather than to any individual circle, if that makes sense.
The developers are working on some features to help with the accidental wanderers, but for now just keep on reporting!
Ah thank you Stern! Will do. I hope the developers continue to work on those features, I’d be elated to have something in place to keep out wanderers!