Hi. After being rejected by a crush, I tried to compensate for the pain/suicidal/self-harm thoughts (maybe a depressive phase) by going for a walk, taking some natural calming tablets (valerian and lavender but it had bad sideeffects) and just living as if nothing had happened. I had problems with my circulation and heart and have them even now. I feel extrem lonely and sad-exhausted.

The people around me behave even more rude. They laugh about how I walked (clumsy) and give sometimes shocked or disgusted faces when they look at my eyes/face or they don't look into my eyes for a normal time.

I feel even more lost than before I encountered the crush. Before this I was more uncommonly euphoric and felt like falling into a abyss without bottom. I didn't feel safe and now I am even more aware how unprotected I am in this town. I don't know what I should do against the helplesness, there is nobody who wants to help, I can't find any.

I'm a very ugly woman, without anything considered worthful from a patriarchal view, and maybe got uglier after facing this rejection, so I have to hide 99% of the time, and the only 1% outward contact is now filled with being attacked and feeling sad and afraid of being hit or teased and so on.

They attack because I am more weakened I guess. I so wish I could find another woman who looks more like me. I bet I don't have to explain anything to her and we can spend time together. Having a companion who understands how discriminated I am would make me feel better because she has the same issues of others bullying her because of her non-feminin body, maybe because of illnesses or bad genes. There would be no need to explain something and be shameful.

Since years I only can wish to die in my sleep. I don't want this life, there isn't anything good in the future to wait for. This life was very horrible in every view. Rather never wanted to be born and I hope everyone that let me feel like shit get's their deserved karma. They should endure the same pain as me.

All this loneliness since years cost me my energy and since I get older my health. I am just paralyzed from the attackers and worries. There isn't any love in life for me, it really hurts. I feel like a crying stone. Sadly I am too stupid to even kill myself, I have too much fear something goes wrong.

I also have a silly fear of reincarnation sometimes. I don't want to be reborn, but I also don't want to be trapped in this life and body any longer. How can I escape it? The other people won't just die out tomorrow so that I can live as the only person and finally have a few happy days. That's not going to happen, just wishful thinking as usual.

I've been having nightmares about my health the last few days. That something red is flooding onto my left side/heart/rips, possibly an inflammation.