I met a girl on tinder who matched with me and started texting excitedly immediately, asking questions and asking to switch to whatsApp pretty fast. I told her wait, I don’t even know your job or where you live. She said civil engineer doing her masters and ok fine. When I got her number, I was shocked with how beautiful her face profile is - I’ve never matched with someone so pretty. It took her 10mins to appear and we had a great conversation that night. We spoke about astrology (as you do..) and discovered we are both fire signs with a fire venus. She’s almost 30, 5 years older, and it seemed like both of us wanted to direct the conversation and make moves first. She said she wanted to make me fall in love with her, which I thought was childish. It was clear this wasn’t going to be smooth sailing, but as an aries I like fights and still I was intrigued.

That began a little over a week ago, and soon I discover that she only texts after midnight? Part of me was laughing internally as in, “her texting, her looks, it’s too good to be true. Something must be wrong here”. She said that she has crazy sleep hours as home office, and that also, nights are more poetic. I discovered that she lives in an unusual part of town up in the mountains and went to a nun’s school there. I’m trying to piece what kind of person she is. Her childhood home was also neighbor to my childhood’s best friend’s home, which is the first time I had this kind of familiarity luck in online dating. I wonder there must be something here she’s not so sure about. Maybe she hasn’t been in a relationship with a woman before or her family isn’t so accepting..

So some nights after midnight I texted her or waited for her to show up. I told her two days in I wake up early to go to the gym and asked her if she was sure she could only text at night. She said she was sorry and would try her best to show up whenever she could. We soon started sending audios, and her voice was so pretty - more girly than I expected - and it was definitely the girl in the pictures.

At this point I had suggested I would potentially like a date with her, but with so many messages other topics came up. I figured maybe she wants some more time and just wants to get to know the waters a little better. I haven’t felt desire for a girl like this in a long time. For years I haven’t had an honest conversation about my personality, college, and job without feeling judged, with someone else, as I was able to have with her.

I had also matched with two other girls beforehand and was texting them. I know online dating is a shit show, and I’ve been on so many dates with different kinds of people in the past that I’ve lost count. I know how wishy washy women can be, how hard it is to get a serious lesbian relationship, red flags, and so forth. I’m not intending too hard to get into a relationship, this whole year I only went on 1 date and focused on myself and my career. So up until this point, some red flags are evident on her behavior, but there is still a chance, I need some more intel, and all of this is no big deal. But it is a little weird that she could be so excited about meeting me and disappear so intermittently. Even when speaking at night she could just disappear for 15 minutes for no reason. I assume that maybe the reason for that is inoffensive - her mind works that way, she’s a stressed multitasker, or she’s in a really distracted moment in her life.

One day I got stuck in another part of town at a friend’s place for the night because of raging uber prices, and before sleeping I realized I could text her. I sent a message and, surprisingly, she answered, saying she was busy with her master’s thesis but was there for me. I told her the backstory for not being home and she said, “sleeping out and cheating on me huh”. My immediate response being, “what? Lmao. Already thinking of that?”. She answered, “Ofc! I can’t let things slip so easily”. I gave her the hint that I was waiting for an opening to suggest a date, but again she didn’t seem to pick up on it.

Apparently this hot and cold form of attention and leading someone on can be called “breadcrumbing”, when someone gives you breadcrumbs to keep craving more, and maintains a mystery so desire keeps growing. It’s not abusive per se and it’s not necessarily intentional, but it is a manipulative form of communication.

Fast forward to this Sunday. She sends audios, suddenly, at 8pm, before midnight, for the first time since we’ve been talking. She’s super interested in my job and talents and really being considerate about stuff I had shared. Coincidentally I’m at a friend’s place right around the corner of her supposed childhood home. I joke to her about it, we start talking. I tell her I’m with my friends and at my friend’s house. Right after I mention him, she asks, “fwb?”. I laugh at how silly that is and spend some minutes having to explain to her that I am a lesbian. It was on my tinder profile but fine she’s not the kind of person who reads it. I already knew she was bisexual as I had asked beforehand. This whole chase was sounding way too risky now. Her tinder profile said “don’t know what I’m looking for”

My friends, all boys, were intrigued about this girl. They asked me why I hadn’t asked her out on a date yet. They’re like, just ask her out. I decided okay, she’s finally speaking to me at a normal time of the day, and she’s pulled out the jealousy card out of nowhere for the second time. So maybe it would help for us to actually meet… I make the move - ask her out on a date - and she doesn’t respond.

.. 3 hours later at her usual texting time I sent her an audio in an honest tone. I said it seemed as if she were actually craving freedom, and I understand as love can be complicated. I explained why I wanted a date - so we could learn more about each other - without much pressure. In any case I was there for her and I was chill about stuff.

.. she hasn’t answered up until now, which makes me sad. There’s no reason for her to text during Christmas night either. I just sent her a short text in the morning saying, “ok I think not.. you just wanted somebody to talk to. It’s ok to be friends, or maybe not lol. In any case, merry christmas”.

I know that I did everything right. My conduct literally could not have been more perfect. But it is still somewhat perplexing. I knew there was little chance this person would end up being good for me. It was a risky prospect since the start. But still I’m feeling sad about it. It did hurt my feelings. It reminds me why I got depressed two years ago (love failures) and why I was so stagnant in dating. My mental health is the best it’s been since the pandemic, and I’ve been able to weather this because I am okay and more experienced. I knew I couldn’t place expectations and to just take things lightly.

I know it is very good that I am not allowing any manipulation from her part and that what I did “wrong” was to simply stand my ground and do exactly what you should do when trying to meet someone. Being clear, positive, open-minded, patient. Giving them space and security. This is not my first time at the rodeo, lol. And this situation just reminds me why I feel drawn to avoidant people who are so unclear about their intentions. And how this time I learned to be matter-of-fact about it and say no.

Anyway, this is just a story I’m sharing to vent. Dating is hard nowadays generally. It’s even harder being a lesbian. But my question to you guys is, why are people so weird????